Things that irk me..

[Little.Wolf]

So this is an open ended thing that anyone can comment in and it's just a few things I have notd not only in the DD/lg dynamic but in a lot of thinks kink related that are starting to really, really, really bug me.

 

Let's start with this: A lot of people seem to have this preconception that any little/middle/sub/pet/what have you is going to be this perfect, beach blonde, petite, person. The thing that is bugging me is the constant need of people to body shame those who have not fallen into this criteria. Although I have only seen a couple here that list "thin and petite" as preferences, the body shaming I've seen on a couple other areas and it really is bugging me because not everyone is built the same way! Some people have large bone structures, others have small. Some are doing what they can other people have medical reasons for whatever they are trying and they get shamed and told "you have to be a, b, or c to be in any kind of relationship with me". News flash, Not everyone is a porn star.

 

Switches: Yes people like me do exist. We do like both sides of the game but, as I said in a previous posting, people have this thing where they want one or the other, and don't even take the time to get to know someone or even what they are looking for or want if they don't fit into their box.

 

Communication... Is it that much to ask to have someone just say "Hi, you seem pretty neat, want to chat?" Or something of the sort to start from there? You can't just jump head first into a relationship without knowing the person!

 

 

/end rant

[Michael]

I think places like Tumblr make it so much worse too. Why's it always the exact same stuff getting reblogged? It'd be nice to see more variation on there, but it always seems to be pictures of petite thin white girls, or bearded white middle-aged daddies. I've seen much less of that on here, and it's nice to see lots of different types of people enjoy the dynamic.

[Little.Wolf]

I agree. But it's just annoying because it sets this preconception for a lot of new people that you need to fit in this tiny little perfect box or you don't fit in. It's disheartening

[Guest Northie]

I find it quite odd to think about people who have strict 'rules' about their ideal partner. That sounds childish. In our early teens and as kids we can sometimes make a list of an ideal partner but I feel that kind of thinking usually starts to fade after a certain age. Of course you have preferences and thus you might end up with a person that fits the description but I believe the reason for this is that we consciously consider those people as a suitable match and don't really give a chance to a person who doesn't fit the description.

 

I don't think that in the end it really matters what our preferences are, a person might prefer a tall person but fall in love with a short one because things like that stop mattering when bigger things take their place (like love for example :'D).

 

I just have to say that I find it a bit alarming if somebody is only able to date very small and tiny girls. Maybe this is a taboo and somebody can get upset but I feel like I need to say this. It just sounds weird to be so stubborn about preferences. Also as words, small and tiny etc are words we associate with kids.

[Guest Jennyanydots]

First, I try to avoid over thinking the guys who prefer petite women - they may be short and uncomfortable with having a partner who is much taller than them. Personally I am the sort to put looks/physical stature last...not that looks don't matter to me.

 

The BDSM community reflects social standards, whiche are totally backward. I feel like it's gotten worse with BDSM becoming more culturally acceptable (50 Shades etc bringing it into focus; even if it is a passing trend for most).

 

Personally, I enjoy variety and think it would be awesome to see all sorts of couples really enjoying each other. So much of what's out there seems cold rather than warm and I feel it's important for there to be caring and understanding even more in any BDSM relationship than in vanilla relationships. Less looking at the camera, more looking at your partner. Less of hiding a male Dom's face - unless he has a beard, which is still saying the same thing, really. These sort of image are meant to enable men to feel that they are the Dom in the scene/photo, but women are only objects so their face is shown regardless whether they are the Dom or sub...

 

I'll also note that I see very few same-sex couples and I can't help but wonder if there is some fear of the LGBTQ+ community being associate with BDSM and judged even more harshly by the plethora of bigots gracing this planet...as I'm not a part of that community I won't say anymore than that

[Guest NewYorkDaddy]

So this is an open ended thing that anyone can comment in and it's just a few things I have notd not only in the DD/lg dynamic but in a lot of thinks kink related that are starting to really, really, really bug me.

 

Let's start with this: A lot of people seem to have this preconception that any little/middle/sub/pet/what have you is going to be this perfect, beach blonde, petite, person. The thing that is bugging me is the constant need of people to body shame those who have not fallen into this criteria. Although I have only seen a couple here that list "thin and petite" as preferences, the body shaming I've seen on a couple other areas and it really is bugging me because not everyone is built the same way! Some people have large bone structures, others have small. Some are doing what they can other people have medical reasons for whatever they are trying and they get shamed and told "you have to be a, b, or c to be in any kind of relationship with me". News flash, Not everyone is a porn star.

 

Switches: Yes people like me do exist. We do like both sides of the game but, as I said in a previous posting, people have this thing where they want one or the other, and don't even take the time to get to know someone or even what they are looking for or want if they don't fit into their box.

 

Communication... Is it that much to ask to have someone just say "Hi, you seem pretty neat, want to chat?" Or something of the sort to start from there? You can't just jump head first into a relationship without knowing the person!

 

 

/end rant

If a man or woman has physical standards you don't fit into; that doesn't constitute body shame.

 

Listing physical attributes is something unique to online dating because we aren't interacting in person.

 

In person a guy or girl would just approach/be receptive if they find someone physically/socially attractive.

[Guest Elencha]

I'm kind of on both sides of this, I think. On the one hand, yeah, it'd be nice if people were more about what kind of person someone is than what they look like. Absolutely, it would. But on the other hand, since we all know there are some people for whom looks are a deal breaker, it's nice to know that up front so no one wastes time and energy on someone who's gonna blow them off after the first pics are exchanged. Generally, if looks are important enough for someone to list as requirements, no amount of emotional or intellectual connection is going to change their mind, so why bother trying. Better to have it in the open, I say.

 

 

On the subject of switches, I can only speak for myself, but I wouldn't be surprised if many people shared my reasons. I don't for a second think that switches aren't a real thing. And I don't even kind of think switches are somehow inferior, not even a little bit. I wouldn't pursue a man who was one, for the simple reason that I don't think I could give him what he needed. I am not a switch, at least, not romantically. I have a touch of Mommy to me in the sense that young kids (re: people under 35 :-P) make me want to look out for them and protect them and care for them to an extent, but having those feelings toward a mate would make me see him less as a mate and more as a kid. I've considered the possibility of taking on an entirely platonic little, but they seem not terribly common and that's a bit different than seeking a switch for a mate. I think it would be inconsiderate, at best, to ask for only half of my mate and tell him to leave the other half at the door.

[Little.Wolf]

If a man or woman has physical standards you don't fit into; that doesn't constitute body shame.

 

Listing physical attributes is something unique to online dating because we aren't interacting in person.

 

In person a guy or girl would just approach/be receptive if they find someone physically/socially attractive.

That's not quite what I was getting at. While yes I know people have their own likes, it seems to be almost everyone. I mean hell, on this site after talking to someone I was told "Oh i'm sorry your bigger then I hoped, bye" Literally that was the way they stopped talking to me. On another site a friend used to be on she was told that the only way things would work with them is if they lost fifty pounds (And mind you she was only 140). My point is that a LOT of people seem to have this preconception of subs and littles from watching Porn that they have to be this tiny little thing that fits into a box.

 

 

I'm kind of on both sides of this, I think. On the one hand, yeah, it'd be nice if people were more about what kind of person someone is than what they look like. Absolutely, it would. But on the other hand, since we all know there are some people for whom looks are a deal breaker, it's nice to know that up front so no one wastes time and energy on someone who's gonna blow them off after the first pics are exchanged. Generally, if looks are important enough for someone to list as requirements, no amount of emotional or intellectual connection is going to change their mind, so why bother trying. Better to have it in the open, I say.

 

 

On the subject of switches, I can only speak for myself, but I wouldn't be surprised if many people shared my reasons. I don't for a second think that switches aren't a real thing. And I don't even kind of think switches are somehow inferior, not even a little bit. I wouldn't pursue a man who was one, for the simple reason that I don't think I could give him what he needed. I am not a switch, at least, not romantically. I have a touch of Mommy to me in the sense that young kids (re: people under 35 :-P) make me want to look out for them and protect them and care for them to an extent, but having those feelings toward a mate would make me see him less as a mate and more as a kid. I've considered the possibility of taking on an entirely platonic little, but they seem not terribly common and that's a bit different than seeking a switch for a mate. I think it would be inconsiderate, at best, to ask for only half of my mate and tell him to leave the other half at the door.

 

 

Makes sense, still doesn't give people reason to tell people who are switches (me for example) that they have to be one or the other. not both.

[Guest NewYorkDaddy]

That's not quite what I was getting at. While yes I know people have their own likes, it seems to be almost everyone. I mean hell, on this site after talking to someone I was told "Oh i'm sorry your bigger then I hoped, bye" Literally that was the way they stopped talking to me. On another site a friend used to be on she was told that the only way things would work with them is if they lost fifty pounds (And mind you she was only 140). My point is that a LOT of people seem to have this preconception of subs and littles from watching Porn that they have to be this tiny little thing that fits into a box.

 

 

 

Makes sense, still doesn't give people reason to tell people who are switches (me for example) that they have to be one or the other. not both.

I like petite and curvy girls but 140 on the surface sounds like a good weight and it could be, but if a girl is 4ft 10 she is technically overweight . Some guys might dig that, others might not

[Guest Elencha]

Makes sense, still doesn't give people reason to tell people who are switches (me for example) that they have to be one or the other. not both.

No, it doesn't. And telling you that makes as much sense as telling you that you have to be a ham sandwich. You aren't a ham sandwich, and there is no way for you to be a ham sandwich. You are who you are. But now I'm hungry. 

[Little.Wolf]

No, it doesn't. And telling you that makes as much sense as telling you that you have to be a ham sandwich. You aren't a ham sandwich, and there is no way for you to be a ham sandwich. You are who you are. But now I'm hungry. 

Thank you!

[Berry]

I think this might be a reason I dont have a tumblr anymore.. I see all these cute girls and get very self-conscious about my body and start to feel ashamed of the skin I'm in..

[Little.Wolf]

I think everyone is beautiful in their own skin. It's just irritating to me because I'm like you, Berry, and it's taken me a long time to work past that. But not only is it a preconception with subs, but dommes too, and the male version of them too. A lot of people have this perfectly square box they think people should fit in when in fact we don't. We are our own person.

[Guest Elencha]

It does get a little disheartening, sometimes, but at those times, I just remind myself that I really don't want anyone who doesn't think I'm beautiful. Which means they are precisely as undesirable to me as I am to them.

 

When I was in high school I was stage manager for a play called the Ugly Duckling. It was about a princess whose grandmother was a snarky sort of witch who cast a spell on her that would cause everyone to see her as ugly unless they saw her true worth. It was a short little play that was simultaneously adorable and profound.

[sushishui]

Let's start with this: A lot of people seem to have this preconception that any little/middle/sub/pet/what have you is going to be this perfect, beach blonde, petite, person. The thing that is bugging me is the constant need of people to body shame those who have not fallen into this criteria. Although I have only seen a couple here that list "thin and petite" as preferences, the body shaming I've seen on a couple other areas and it really is bugging me because not everyone is built the same way! Some people have large bone structures, others have small. Some are doing what they can other people have medical reasons for whatever they are trying and they get shamed and told "you have to be a, b, or c to be in any kind of relationship with me". News flash, Not everyone is a porn star.

 

 

I do have physical preferences. That being said, my preferences aren't at all the typical porn star, and I've dated outside of those preferences most of my life.

 

I've been excluded from other people's preferences, and I don't mind, but I can see how that would bother some people. All the same, I don't think preferences are bad, but shaming definitely is.

 

Switches: Yes people like me do exist. We do like both sides of the game but, as I said in a previous posting, people have this thing where they want one or the other, and don't even take the time to get to know someone or even what they are looking for or want if they don't fit into their box.

 

I don't object to being with a switch, but I am not at all a sub, so it would mean a non-monogamous relationship. I know some people want monogamous relationships, so likely feel like a relationship with a switch would leave the switch unfulfilled.

 

I'll also note that I see very few same-sex couples and I can't help but wonder if there is some fear of the LGBTQ+ community being associate with BDSM and judged even more harshly by the plethora of bigots gracing this planet...as I'm not a part of that community I won't say anymore than that

 

Nice name. I love Cats.

 

 

More on topic, I've spent the last year in a hypnosis community, which was probably about 50% LGBTQ+. Perhaps different parts of BDSM just appeal to different people. DD/lg is rather tied into traditional gender roles -- not that it has to be, but that's how it's presented, right down to the name. Hypnosis, on the other hand, has no ties to gender, and is more about transformation, something that appeals to trans individuals in particular.

[Guest Elencha]

Tyrion Lannister.

 

Whenever you see the list of requirements, imagine Tyrion Lannister* . Tyrion, objectively speaking, disregarding the fact that he is a dwarf and invariably described as ugly, is a sexy motherf***er. Attitude, brains, style, wit, the man is sexy as hell. But the simple fact of the matter is, for some people, even those who might not admit to it when put the question in a hypothetical setting, Tyrion is gonna get the "Let's just be friends."  Sure, in theory, we are all high-minded individuals, but the fact is, we all want what we want. 

 

As for me, I've never had anything make me feel like a bigger piece of shit than the realization that I would not realistically date Tyrion Lannister. Seriously, I am even ashamed to say it in the relatively anonymous context of the internet. It shames me to admit it to myself. But, we all have our Tyrion Lannister.

 

*(Book Tyrion, for the record, show Tyrion could probably get it.  Mr. Dinklage, gimme a call.) 

[Guest BittyKitty]

It is very frustrating how so many people won't even glance at you if you don't fit their criteria to a perfect T. Frustration is one thing, but I wouldn't let it bother me too much. We all have our biases. For example, I wouldn't even consider a Daddy/Dom who couldn't teach me new things, and someone who values physical appearances above all else probably wouldn't be able to teach anyone anything. Like Elencha pretty much said, it's a way to separate the wheat from the chaff.

 

Tyrion Lannister.

 

Whenever you see the list of requirements, imagine Tyrion Lannister* . Tyrion, objectively speaking, disregarding the fact that he is a dwarf and invariably described as ugly, is a sexy motherf***er. Attitude, brains, style, wit, the man is sexy as hell. But the simple fact of the matter is, for some people, even those who might not admit to it when put the question in a hypothetical setting, Tyrion is gonna get the "Let's just be friends." Sure, in theory, we are all high-minded individuals, but the fact is, we all want what we want.

 

As for me, I've never had anything make me feel like a bigger piece of shit than the realization that I would not realistically date Tyrion Lannister. Seriously, I am even ashamed to say it in the relatively anonymous context of the internet. It shames me to admit it to myself. But, we all have our Tyrion Lannister.

 

*(Book Tyrion, for the record, show Tyrion could probably get it. Mr. Dinklage, gimme a call.)

 

Elencha, I thought the same! Tyrion is my favorite character. While reading the books, I couldn't decide whether or not I wanted to do him. Shallow expectations aside, he oozes testosterone. Agreed on Peter Dinklage, he could be my lion Daddy any day. You know who else could get it? Joffrey. If Olena had let him live for just a little longer, Margaery (second fave character) would've totally made him into her little sub and he'd be the new king who kneeled.

[Guest LavanderRabbit]

HELLO WE ARE HUMANS, THIS ISN'T BUILD-A-BITCH

 

Let them be picky. They wont find anyone with that shitty attitude.

 

Body shaming isn't something that needs to exist, I completely agree with you and humans need to realize not all women/men look the same. We all have different genetics and all look the same. There is no shame for being proud of your body, but when you put others down for it, it makes you the bad person. That also being said, you shouldn't fetishize anyone's body type nor should you treat anyone less than equal because you personally don't like how they look.

 

I am a switch too. A LOT of people think I'm a dominant because of how bitchy I am and then assume I want them.

 

People need to be decent to each other and knock down their big headed ego.

[Guest Elencha]

Now, Joffrey, that little son of a bitch, in the books, is handsome. But I don't like my men subby. He's a little bitch who needs an ass-whipping. Another ass-whippin', that is, Arya already gave him one. He likes to pretend he's dominant, but he's really just a butthurt little mama's boy. You are SO right about Margaery, he'd have been the king who knelt for sure. Show Joffrey is just ugly, poor kid.

And it's not that Dinklage is hot in and of himself. He's attractive enough. He's just handsome enough to, when combined with all that is Tyrion, overcome the fact that I like men who are super tall. And the man does do Tyrion well. He might be the only character in that fanfic of a show that they did well. Well, maybe Cersei, although they may have ruined 300 for me in the process. 

 

I'm sorry. This isn't the Game of Thrones thread, is it. I swear I didn't mean to take it off topic. Don't beat me, Wolfie! 

 

 

 

Edited to add: This isn't Build-A-Bitch is the greatest shit I have ever heard!!! I am so stealing that line.

Edited April 8, 2016 by Elencha

[Nathlana Kittensoul]

I think the thing that irks me most is when people expect you to fit into this narrow little box that only contains their ideas of what DDlg is supposed to be.

 

I don't want to cout the number of times I've seen people say things like "well in that case you're really not a little you're a *something else*".

Edited April 9, 2016 by Nathlana Kittensoul

[Guest BittyKitty]

Oops sorry Little Wolf, I didn't mean to go off topic either, but it's just GoT gets me so so excited!!

 

Elencha, I tried searching for a GoT thread but couldn't find one, I must've done something wrong because no way there aren't any GoT nerds on here.

[sushishui]

So, the thing that irks me here is when somebody posts exactly the same message in several personals threads. Not that I'm looking for anyone at the moment, but it just makes a little that I would otherwise find very attractive much less so. I imagine it does the same for people interested in Caregivers. Anyone else feel the same way?

[Guest DaddyXavier]

Switches: Yes people like me do exist. We do like both sides of the game but, as I said in a previous posting, people have this thing where they want one or the other, and don't even take the time to get to know someone or even what they are looking for or want if they don't fit into their box.

 

As a switch myself, I've faced a lot of frustration in the greater BDSM community to the point where I just stopped telling people I was a switch. It was easier to be slightly misleading than it was to tell the truth and get rejected for a completely nonsense, invalid reason based on ignorance of what a switch actually is.

 

I'm a D-type switch. Even when I'm bottoming, I'm still in charge, and my sub is service-topping me. They're performing a service for me to indulge in a fantasy or a kink. But it's still my show.

 

I have no desire to a the submissive partner or a little. I don't know if it's ignorance, or straight up insecurity, but if I had a nickel every time someone said "I don't think this is gonna work; you're a switch so I'm not sure I can fill all your needs as I'm not Dominant at all" - I would be a very rich man. Still frustrated, but at least rich.

 

Switching has nothing to do with having Dominant and submissive needs. It means enjoying both roles at certain times.

Edited April 10, 2016 by CaringButStrictDaddyJustin