fear of being controlled

[Guest starrflower]

  Sometimes I am attracted to the d/lg kink and other times I wonder if I am just looking for a father figure type that is more vanilla.   What attracts me to this is the acceptance of littlespace and age regression.   I read a lot of posts about daddies being in full charge of their littles and at times this seems appealing, but I think this would make me feel too controlled.  I know many have said that a ddlg relationship is how you make it and what works for you.  And I have heard many stories about daddies encouraging their little to explore who they are.   For some reason though I am having a hard time getting past the fear of being controlled.  I would love to hear any thoughts about this

 

 

[wolfdaddy]

Hi starflower! I'm about to head to work so quick thoughts only I'm afraid.

 

Is it fear of being controlled, or fear of someone's control over you being abused? I think there's an important distinction there. In any case drilling down into the nuances of the fear seems like a worthwhile thing to me. Because maybe your fear is legitimate and something that will help keep you safe. Or maybe it's something you want to move past. In understanding it in all the detail you can you might be able to work out what's right for you so you can honour it.

 

The thing is, I feel a lot of people would relax at the idea of a perfectly wise and benevolent being having control over some or many parts of their life. Maybe that's what religion is and especially someone who feels vulnerable in the world might feel a lot of protection from that. This is a very common DD/lg situation. But of course no actual person is perfectly wise or perfectly benevolent and so giving control is risky and risky in a deeply vulnerable way. I think it's not only normal to be scared of that but prudent.

 

May I ask? In what ways do you feel a little should be controlled by a big? Your assumptions might be revealing.

 

Are you ok with giving up full control for ten minutes? An hour? If you want a relationship where you give control in limited ways or for limited times/scenes then this is all valid. It's completely valid for you to want both your big and little sides to be connected with; respected, and interacted with in ways that honour their individual and perhaps different needs. Not all (not most) big/little relationships are about the little being in little space 24/7.

 

Oh! And this is something I really want to write more about based on a recent great thread elsewhere - but some littles don't have real-life daddy issues but some do! It's totally ok to have 'daddy issues' and to be using this as a way to explore that. In fact it is a potentially healthy response to childhood attachment injuries (learning to make secure attachment as an adult can heal some of the issues from insecure childhood attachment).

[Guest buddhagirl]

I don't think my Daddy controls me, but he's in control, if that makes sense. He's a guy that has it together; he's wise and smart and level headed. He likes to look after people and be in charge, but he leads in a way that feels inclusive, considerate and you know he's just doing what he knows is best for you because he cares. And his control comes from my giving it to him because he's earned it. I could revoke his control at any time. Fundamentally we are equal partners, but I've given him permission to be in control because it suits him and makes him feel loved and secure and it makes me feel loved is such a relief to me. I have a high responsibility/visibility career as well as being a mother, so I CRAVE some space to not have to carry such a heavy load. After a long day of work where I have to perform at a high level and be in charge, it is like paradise to be little and safe under Daddy's wing and to let him relieve some of the pressure I feel. 

 

All that being said, I do give Daddy control because it is very arousing and fulfilling for us both. But I don't HAVE to do anything! If Daddy made a rule for me, I don't HAVE to follow it. I know that we're playing a kind of fun game for us by me following rules that I might not enjoy very much, but if I really didn't want to follow I rule I just wouldn't and Daddy (my actual adult partner underneath the dynamic) would be okay with it. Again, my Daddy only wants the best for me, for me to be happy and healthy, so that's most important to him always. You don't have to give more "control" to someone than you want to. You get to figure out exactly what you want and just do that.  

 

Hope that makes at least a little sense. 

[LolitasDaddy]

There is no one way to do it. There are Daddies that like to control most aspects, and those who just love being with someone who is little, and everything in between. A true Daddy will want to nurture you to be the best you that you can be, and want you to explore your own inner needs and desires. A good Daddy will never use his power to exploit his little. As with any power struggle the power truly lies with the submissive. Without the submissive handing over trust and control, the Dominant is powerless.

[Guest starrflower]

all of you have given me a lot to think about I always worry about a power imbalance. For people who are naturally submissive, it seems that they can get into pretty bad situations with ones who use their dominance selfishly. I have a hard time wrapping my head around the power lying with the submissive. But it makes perfect sense. Buddhagirl, it sounds like you are in the type of relationship that LolitasDaddy is talking about. You feel freedom to be who you are and feel like you are his equal and at the same time feel safe to be submissive. He sounds like a true daddy.

 

wolfdaddy you asked some good questions. I must be talking about someone abusing their dominance. I really want to give control over to someone I trust. It would make me feel safe and loved actually. And I don't trust easily and like you said, its good to have your guard up until you know you can take it down. Know that someone is being transparent and really are who they say they are. I believe it's good for the caregiver to be vulnerable too.

 

I am not even quite sure how I perceive a little being controlled by a caregiver, but I need to give this some thought.

learning to make secure attachment as an adult can heal some of the issues from insecure childhood attachment

I can totally see how this type of relationship would be healing for past hurts. <3 It's quite beautiful actually

[Shahd]

I actually have the same problem. I like being in ddlg relationship but I just don't like the idea of someone having total control of me. Its actually a fear I have. So far I only had Vanilla relationships because I didn't find a daddy who doesn't want to not take control of me.

[sushishui]

I really want to give control over to someone I trust. It would make me feel safe and loved actually.

That's what I want. Just from the other side.

 

I've been in BDSM for a while, but I'm pretty new to DD/lg. When I've had subs in the past, it's that position of responsibility that makes me feel like there's something more important in my life than myself.

 

 

I always insist that my subs set hard limits. Many subs don't want to. I think for some, the idea of being abused turns them on. I can't do that though -- to be given complete control instantly makes it feel cheap. It should always be something that's earned.

 

I have been an abusive Dom in the past, and there's a certain appeal to it. But it makes me feel dirty afterwards. It's nothing compared to the feeling of having someone who trusts me utterly and is counting on me to care for and protect her.