I'm certain better days are ahead...

[Guest little domi]

Hi there! I'm new here, but have found it comforting to find a place to find other littles (and Bigs) to talk to and be friends with.

I'll start by saying I have a very sweet and sensitive (OK a tad stubborn too) little side, around 3 years old, and she had been searching for a Daddy all her own for love, comfort and support. I felt I had found Him, and we had been talking nearly every day and at the end of nearly every night on Skype mostly since October 2015. I say “mostly” because there were other forms of communications too: Yahoo, and we usually had a mean game of Word Feud going at any given time of day.

 

 

 

I started noticing his enthusiasm dropping off slowly. I did ask him why he was never on Yahoo anymore in January. He told me it had something to do with his phone and privacy, and the reasoning seemed solid, so I accepted that. We now had one form of communication down… OK fine.

 

 

 

Next, Word Feud became spotty. Where he had been full of gusto about it and often sent me little messages there while he was playing, that slowly stopped too. I asked him about that, and he told me his phone wasn't giving him the notifications. Again, the reasoning seemed solid, annnnd so I accepted that. Another form of communication down, so now we only had Skype. … OK fine.

 

 

 

Recently, and when I say “recently” I mean since the middle of February, Skype became sporadic also. At the start, we would talk and roleplay frequently throughout the day if we could make the time (and we usually did), and some nights, a bedtime story was an event I looked forward to. By now, he was telling me he doesn't roleplay, he had no time for talking and bedtime stories never happened anymore. Being sensitive to change of any sort, I of course asked about being pigeon-holed into a small window of time. He told me he felt it was ME and my perceptions and that nothing was wrong. My intuition kept telling me THAT was wrong, but I was trusting and figured it WAS me, and regretfully went along with this situation for a few weeks more. I figured I needed to give him time to be busy. I would try very hard to regulate the needs of my littler side and not be a pest… I tried to be very happy with whatever time he threw my way, and not complain. I thought that would be a “good girl” thing to do.

 

 

 

Well, at the end of February, everything pretty much came tumbling down in my world. My aunt passed away, and then my dog died a week later, and then my Grammie, the woman who was my rock and anchor, passed away just one day after my beloved dog. … It was a LOT to endure, and I needed my daddy, and he could never seem to find the time to just talk to me. I think the last straw for me was the day I simply asked him if I could curl up and listen to a bedtime story… just a short one… please? He responded by telling me that maybe he could do that. I was a bit relieved and excited too. Well, I asked him around 9:00 PM and watched Skype like a hawk cuz I didn't want to miss the opportunity! Meanwhile, Skype said he was online, and I waited… and waited… and waited and by 11:15PM, he said something like, “It doesn't look like I can. Have a good night.”. … That was a couple of weeks ago. Enduring another week of even less communicating, and I finally told him I was done last week.

 

 

 

I think his lack of empathy broke my heart more than anything. I just wanted him to ask me how I was doing or give me “virtual hugs” or reach out to me some how? I am not a clingy girl, nor do I feel I should be at the center of each and every day, so his apathy for what I was going through was mind-boggling and a bit shattering to me. When I removed him from Skype (I needed to do that for myself so that I didn't see when he was there and feel badly because he wasn't talking to me anymore), he made it about himself… how I hurt him and whatever. ~sigh~

OK… SO I know this has been a long story, and I'm really sorry about that, but I just needed to talk about it. I am so prone to feeling like “a naughty girl”… like I had somehow caused this or it was my fault. I have had feelings of remorse thinking I should just crawl back to him like he seems to want me to do and put up with his cold apathy like this is what I deserve or something... Most of me feels like I know I did the right thing. Like he only wanted me around if I could make him laugh or whatever, and the ONE TIME I needed HIM because I was in so much emotional pain, I just wanted a daddy-hug (or two), and he wasn't there for me…

Anyway, maybe I'm wrong? I am so confused. Please let's talk about this (if you don't mind), but please also be gentle. I am a bit fragile at the moment...

 

 

 

 

 

[Guest blah911]

I think you did the right thing and should not feel like a naughty girl.  Unfortunately it sounds like this daddy lost interest for some reason .  I'm so sorry, but I believe you'll find a better Daddy so try to keep your head up and smiling.

[Guest Princess Dusty]

Let me start by saying that you did absolutely nothing wrong. You attempted to communicate with him. You tried and you tried. You gave him the benefit of the doubt. Etc. You did everything you possibly could have done. Coming from someone who went through a similar situation, It's hard and it's heart breaking. Coming from the other side of it, you did not a thing wrong. 

 

Don't let him make you feel like that. The fact that you deleted him is an amazing thing. It shows that you're strong. You also deserve a someone who is able to be there, and give you what you need. You will find your fairy tale ending. You will find yourself happy one day. So for now be strong. If you need a shoulder, or a little friend I'm here for you .

[Guest little domi]

Thank you!

[ClockworkDaddy]

Hey there! My heart broke for you the further I got into your story. And I'm sorry to hear about all your hardships. But you did everything you could. You were understanding of his being busy and didn't make him feel guilty for being so, and when you felt like you were being taken for granted you ended it. Sadly, when we are in these "situations" in which your caregiver/little loses interest there is nothing we can do, and we feel helpless and like everything is falling apart. And what I love most about you is that you are optimistic! I read the post and I was like "this poor girl" and my heart broke and then I read your title about better days ahead and it made me smile! That mentality will get you far! Always look move forward! Always look for the best!

Yes, there was what seemed like a great relationship there that slowly died, but there was nothing you could do for that! But what you did have control over way how you handle it! And you couldn't have handled it any better! You stood up for yourself and ended it, knowing you deserved better, you even went as far as to delete him from Skype, and most importantly you didn't let it break you! Yes, breakups hurt. But, in danger of being cliche, don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened! You'll find another daddy! Maybe even a better daddy who makes time for you instead of having to "find" time! And while your looking or waiting to be found I'll be here! Feel free to message me if you need a friend or someone to talk to!

[Guest little domi]

All your responses are helping me... SO healing. Thank you so much <3

[wolfdaddy]

Ahhh! I was reading this and feeling bad for you, because this is often the way online relationships fade without the humanity of a face-to-face connection to feed them.

 

But then I noticed the deception, and then the gaslighting.

 

Gaslighting is a MASSIVE red flag and a signal to run. I'm working on some articles around abuse in kink and dd/lg relationships and actually I think I will make just a little PSA post about gaslighting in case people aren't familiar with it. I hope it's OK if I refer in that post to here. Would you mind consenting to that? I won't proceed if you don't allow it. But also I don't want to threadjack your discussion.

 

I'm so sorry you have experienced this. Unfortunately, no, you're not in the wrong - that relationship was toxic from the outset but he was just very good at hiding his true colors. Someone who would gaslight another is manipulative and has significant personal issues.

[Guest little domi]

I do realize that online relationships are difficult, and one has to be willing to accept that one day it won't be as "shiny" as it once was... I believe this was different.

 

I had to look up "gaslighting", and yes! That's exactly what he did!! I was constantly doubting my intuition, which is a huge NONO in my mind, and yet... there I was trusting him and blaming myself.

 

Please feel free to use this example! If it helps others, I will gladly share.

[wolfdaddy]

I do realize that online relationships are difficult, and one has to be willing to accept that one day it won't be as "shiny" as it once was... I believe this was different.

 

I had to look up "gaslighting", and yes! That's exactly what he did!! I was constantly doubting my intuition, which is a huge NONO in my mind, and yet... there I was trusting him and blaming myself.

 

Please feel free to use this example! If it helps others, I will gladly share.

Thanks you so much, Dominique. Hopefully that helps make sense for you what was going on and helps you have faith in that all-important gift of intuition! Now you know what it is you will be safe against it. It really is something more littles should know about.

 

I made my post here:

 

https://www.ddlgforum.com/topic/7679-what-is-gaslighting-how-to-avoid-this-abusive-behaviour-by-wolfdaddy/?do=findComment&comment=44210

 

I will now go edit it with your permission and link back here. Thanks very much for the permission. There is no shame in being gaslit! You were trusting and open hearted and there is no shame in that.

[Guest little domi]

Thank you so much! I am so glad I wrote about this today.

[Guest Jennyanydots]

Thanks you so much, Dominique. Hopefully that helps make sense for you what was going on and helps you have faith in that all-important gift of intuition! Now you know what it is you will be safe against it. It really is something more littles should know about.

 

I made my post here:

 

https://www.ddlgforum.com/topic/7613-psa-what-is-gaslighting-how-to-avoid-this-abusive-behaviour/

 

I will now go edit it with your permission and link back here. Thanks very much for the permission. There is no shame in being gaslit! You were trusting and open hearted and there is no shame in that.

I am receiving an error page...is it just me, or is the link broken? :/

[Guest Jennyanydots]

As someone who suffered many years of increasing mental/emotional abuse I am happy to hear that you walked away from this when you finally trusted yourself. NEVER let ANYONE make you doubt yourself or your own mind. At the end of the day YOU and your mind are all you have.

 

For what,it's worth, I'm very proud of you! You must be a strong woman.

 

...of course your abuser wants you to crawl back. Mental abuse is all about stroking the abuser's ego. What a thrill it would be for him to have you come back begging for more of his lies and deception!

 

I don't want to end on a negative note, so I want to add: be glad and be proud of yourself for taking care of yourself. We can't always have someone around to take care of us so we have to step up. Sone of us can't or don't know how, but you have! That's a good girl!

[Cherry41]

I have a hard time with this too. When somebody treats me horribly, my first reaction is to take all the blame on myself...so I understand the urge. But a lot of the time...people treat you badly not because you did anything to make them lose interest...or you did anything wrong..but..because that is just the way they treat people...and the gaslighting is a strong sign of somebody who treats others poorly. 

 

If you knew this guy offline, and were around his offline social circles...I have a feeling you'd run into plenty of people...exes...former friends...acquaintances who are glad they never got close to him....who have been treated in the same way. 

[wolfdaddy]

I am receiving an error page...is it just me, or is the link broken? :/

Ah! The mods moved it after a few days to be part of the resources section of this site. So that's what broke that link. I've edited the post with the correct link now.