LDR and first time: I need help with this!

[DJ_Dad]

Hi everyone! I'm brand new to this entire world of D/s and DD/LG.

 

I met someone on the internet and she is an absolute sweetheart. Like 100% certified angel. We've known each other for a couple weeks now and we spend all day online together, mostly playing a new mmo that has just come out. We are both in our thirties.

 

I need help understanding this style of life. In real life I am kind, compassionate and dominant. I am good with words, caring for others, and loyal to a fault. she is also very kind, sweet and dependent.

 

We became very close very fast. At first I figured she just liked hanging out with me, but as time went by she wanted more and more one-on-one time with me, all in a non-sexual way. About four days ago, this thing started with her asking if I've ever tried bdsm. I said no (the truth) and we started experimenting with it. She acted out a ton, and I didn't call her on any of it, not realizing what was going on. It caused what to me seemed to be a fight. Well it wasn't; she was testing my dominance.

 

Turns out she really cares about me enough to keep me around, so she initiated a DDlg relationship. I sit here now understanding why: I fit all the qualifiers for it and can naturally act the part while retaining my dominance and having fun. Thing is it's long distance (like, many states apart) and I'm so new at this so I am having some issues.

 

She still acts out. I am trying to punish her but a few times she has said "no" to punishment. It's been mostly simple and contrived, such as me denying to play with her or having her type out what she won't do in chat. Eventually she will cave, but it's almost like she is testing how hard I will put my foot down. I need help figuring out how to control her fairly. She really gets off on me being assertive, but sometimes in the moment of gaming shit hits the fan and I don't know whether we're playing or being serious (like RL serious.)

 

Another thing I feel I should add is she seems to be pushing for wanting sex acts but is not available. she'll bring it up when it's late or right before her roommate gets home and then throws the "i want you" card in my face, not allowing me to reciprocate. Also, she has sent me a video of herself, but I've asked her for pics a couple times (not nudes) and she has said "maybe tomorrow" on more than one occasion. Not to sound like a tool, but it's kinda difficult to have a tangible relationship over the net without a lot to grasp hold of.

 

Anyway we talk over Skype. she's smoking awesome and I absolutely adore her. I am here because I want to read about your guys ideas and receive advice.

 

I appreciate this. Thank you!

 

edit: I see I'm not the only one struggling with this, as there is a poster below me who is also new. I also read through the LDR thread and there were a lot of great suggestions in it as to how one can play via LD, but I am so new I don't even know the rules yet.

[Guest Buttons]

Hi there!

 

The most important thing to keep in mind is that any BDSM-related dynamic, such as DDlg, must first be thoroughly discussed and negotiated withall parties of the relationship. Each of you need to set limits and boundaries, and discuss the more fun things like what you would each like to incorporate and explore!

 

At the end of the day, in reality, we are all equals. We are all consenting adults in a partnership - and therefore, we all contribute to our relationships equally. It's essential to remember that when acting as a Dominant, we are not actually in compete control of another person - we are acting out a fantasy which the submissive has consented to. And that goes both ways. When acting as a submissive, we are not actually on a level beneath our partner - we are acting out a negotiated, consensual dynamic. 

 

The staff here have compiled a list of resources, and this one might be of interest to you: https://www.ddlgforum.com/topic/6511-reality-vs-fantasy/

 

In regards to this issue: "I don't know whether we're playing or being serious (like RL serious.)" It is super important to establish a safeword with your partner! A safeword is a word that immediately brings a stop to all play. 

 

Please see our other resource here for more on safewords: https://www.ddlgforum.com/topic/6469-lets-talk-about-safewords/

 

For more on Limits and boundaries: https://www.ddlgforum.com/topic/6491-lets-talk-about-limits/

 

And many people do live the DDlg lifestyle at a distance successfully! Here is a resource from two of our lovely members on that topic: https://www.ddlgforum.com/topic/6611-living-the-cgl-lifestyle-at-a-distance/

 

I hope that helps! Please feel free to ask anymore questions, and definitely have a read through of our resource section for further help!

[Guest D@ddyDom]

I have been sitting here trying to make a decent reply to your post because my opinion could probably be more complex than what could be discussed in my response. Based on what you have said in the beginning, I think you meet many of the traits that will make for a good Daddy. Since you are new to the world of BDSM, it will take some time for you to grow and grasp the concept. Actually, you should always be looking to grow and learn about it, just like anything in life.

 

First you need to have a true adult conversation with her about what she would like out of the relationship and your expectations. Everyone has different limits, it is important to find hers. "how much control is she willing to give up", "what pleases her", "what makes her upset", "what are her limits to punishment", and create a "safe word", etc. I would also recommend that both of you take the BDSM test https://bdsmtest.org. It will help open up discussion about your likes and dislikes.

 

Next I would think about and write down a set of rules, i.e., no acting out when we are gaming. Explain to her why you don't want this behavior. Once you have your rules written down in a document send it to her. Have her read the rules back to you out loud. Get her to agree to them verbally on Skype and then her sign or type her name into the document and send it back to you. This would basically be like a contract.

 

After she has done that, I would make her literally go down on her knees. If you are on Skype you will be able to hear what she is doing and if she is really doing it.  Yes, she maybe pretending, but if that is the case then she isn't serious about a BDSM relationship. When this is finished have her rise and come into your lap. Hold her, caress her, and tell her that you will only be looking out for her best interest. Tell her that she is a "good girl" and that rules need to be in place to enforce positive behavior.

 

She is pushing your boundaries, in return you can push hers. In a long distance relationship trust is extremely important. If you take something away from her like Netflix. You are trusting that she will actually follow through and adhere to the punishment. Once again, if she doesn't than the relationship is a fraud. There is a great chance you will never know; but that is how it is in an LDR.

 

Talking and hearing on Skype can really be your friend in an LDR. My disclaimer: "this is what has worked for my little, it may not work for yours, I am just discussing what has worked for me that is more in depth".

 

1. I may make her go to her knees and have your explain the rule she broke and what made her break it. I never yell at her, but I will make sure the tone of my voice is very stern. A little can be very sensitive to a stern voice, so this may be enough.

2. I have made her hold out her arms or legs for an extended period of time. Of course they will grow weary and you can hear the strain in her voice as she tries to hold them up. I will make her relax and then do it again.

3. She adores my belt. As a punishment I will let her hear that I am actually taking off my belt. Then I will snap it so it makes a loud sound. I may also have to slap it across my desk. This gets her attention very quickly.

4. I may make her totally undress and sit there naked. I will then take my hands and slap them together as if I am spanking her. Once again just the noise can help put her back in place.

5. Other ways of punishment are more psychological.

 

But remember: AFTER CARE IS EXTREMELY EXTREMELY EXTREMELY IMPORTANT. I can't say this enough. If you don't bring her back from 'sub space' then she will be scared for a very long time, if not forever.  She won't trust you or feel safe around you anymore. Also, keep in mind that she may have been abused in the past, so physical punishment could have a harsh affect on her. This is why it is very important to find out her limits. If she says the 'safe word' you must stop immediately and make her feel better.

 

Don't forget to reward her for when she is a good girl. Do small things for her, let her know that she is always on your mind. Here are some examples of what I do for my little.

 

1. I let her go to bed and lay down, make sure she is comfortable and then I read a book to her.

2. I will hand write a note, take a picture of it and send it to her.

3. Pet names make her melt, I use them all the time when she is behaving. I often tell her she is a good girl and Daddy is proud of her.

4. I have went 'shopping' online. I haven't truly bought her anything yet, but I will send her a picture of it. Just telling her Daddy would like to buy this for her makes her feel really good.

 

Being a Daddy takes a huge amount of responsibility. What she is giving you is the most ultimate gift anyone can offer another human being, that is herself...mind, body, and soul. Never take that for granted.

 

I hope this helps and sorry I couldn't get into the sexual side of things. But if you want, add me and we can talk about things further.