"Hall pass" .. can I get some.. feedback?

[Guest Ginger-Kit]

I'm kinda curious how someone else would take this situation.. I'm a tad nervous to talk about it because the few people I've talked to about it have been very judgemental about it. But I don't think y'all would be that way so, well, here goes?

 

So, as my profile states, I'm currently in a long distance relationship. I'm the kind of person who hates knowing my... significant other is in anyway frustrated. This is where some people give me flack. Given we're long distance, I can't do much to help his sexual frustration outside of what other people suggest ("You're not responsible for that! He's not faithful if he needs someone else to sleep with while you're gone!" ~What I normally hear at this point)... To me, if I can do something to help, I feel better and I'm not stressing about it. Does that make sense?

 

We talked about it a few months back and came up with the plan that he could sleep around if the need was that strong, to put it bluntly. Of course there were rules in place and such, but I didn't speak up when I should have and I only accomplished running myself into the ground with worry.

 

I called it off and I thought about it for a little while, what bugged me the most about the initial agreement between us. After I felt I'd settled down and asked if he had too, we talked about it again. I changed up the rules and better explained what my problems had been with it in the first place. Namely my anxiety got extremely bad and I never spoke up to tell him it had. Thanks to the distance, he had no way of really knowing so I can't blame him.

 

This is kinda where I'm curious others take on this.

The agreement (Nicknamed "Hall pass" for the sake of knowing what the other is referring to) is that one night stands are allowed and I'm not to be told. However, if he finds a female that he'd like to sleep with more than once then he has to tell me at that point and the one night stands won't be allowed at that point. He'll have to let her know that he's in a relationship.

 

It kinda sounds bad because what's to stop him from just sleeping around with any woman in sight? I know him and he's more than just picky about his females. You could say he's got a rigorous checklist to go through mentally. I know he won't just sleep with any woman.

 

On my end of things, I have to tell him if my anxiety starts to get bad again. I let him know that what I need at that point is reassurance and to know that what I'm thinking is irrational. It's one thing to know myself that what I'm thinking doesn't make sense, but to hear it from him is just...? I trust him more than anyone I know (literally, having issues with my parents, I trust him more than them). It's just easy to work through it when I talk it out with him and he helps to calm me down.

 

So um.. yea. If this isn't something to be posted here, please let me know and I'll refrain from things like this. I was just hoping for some feedback on how others see the situation/agreement. Not really if it's right or wrong, but curious on their take.

[Guest gypsyblue]

I think the arrangement sounds perfectly logical.  Of course, my mindset might be different than a lot of people because I'm poly with a wife, a BF (who has a wife), and a Daddy (with a GF)...  Daddy was the most recent addition to my relationships and while we haven't had the chance to engage in more physical things yet because we're LDR, I'm physical with my wife and BF on a regular basis and nobody has issues with it.  

 

The biggest pointer I have for opening your relationship so he can have a physical relationship with somebody else is to keep lines of communication wide wide open.  He needs to know how you're feeling, and you need to know what he's doing and how he's feeling about the whole situation.  If you wanna talk more privately, feel free to friend me =).

[mac tíre milis]

if you don't mind getting cheated on I guess this arrangement is just fine. mankind are not beast, we are not slaves to our base urges and it is about time that folks actually realize this and take responsibility for themselves. People are naturally going to be judgmental when it comes to allowing your SO to mess around and not wish for them to actually be faithful to you. I can tell you this he is not thinking about you when he is out getting laid. 

[doll face]

It's hard to know what's best. I've learned in life that if things are going to happen then they will regardless of whether you want them to or not. Hope all goes well for you. Xx❤️

[StarEyed]

Here is my 2 cents. You have the right to call things off at any time for any reason. And I'm glad you did the first time so that you could reevaluate the terms of your agreement. That takes guts to say "Hey I'm not okay". And trust is going to be a big thing in this situation. With him being long distance it is going to be a little bit difficult to trust that he will keep to his side of the agreement. But if you really want to be with him you have to give him this trust. And you also have to tell him your fears. Not only will his reassurance help relax you but it also lets him know that you're still emotionally invested in him even though you've given him the Hall Pass. To me though poly isn't such a big taboo or problem as long as there is communication and that safety is paramount. I think the biggest thing you need to remember though is to not compare yourself to these unknown girls. You are you and you are the only you and the best at being you. THAT is why your partner is with you. Take a deep breath and try your best to relax. You are going to get jealous and wonder what is going to happen, but that's okay. You just can't let it consume your life. I wish you lots of luck and happy times.

[Princess-P]

As long as your feeling confident about this agreement and its something YOU want then making it work is just a matter of trust and communication. Something you should ask yourself though is are you suggesting this because its what you want or what you think he wants? Men and women have the exact same need and desire for sex and we both have the exact same ability to control that need. So if you feel the urge for actual physical contact/sex will you be granted the same "hall pass"?

 

My own opionon is that I couldn't do that. When I'm in a relationship I have no desire to be physical with anyone else, the thought doesn't even cross my mind, and I expect the same from my partner. But that's just my expectation and everyone is different.

 

Just make sure your not suggesting this for his benefit because he doesn't need it. If he's with you, long distance or not, sexual desire is easily taken care of himself or during Skype/calls with you. If its what you truly want then go for it, but he doesnt NEED it (no one who is happyily attached and not poly NEEDS it) and its perfectly fine for you to change your mind, and hopefully you trust him 100% and you have a very strong long standing deep relationship.