Being Me

[Baby Manda]

I feel overwhelmed and lost most of the time, but usually I can manage by focusing on being in the moment to get done what needs to be done. I suffered a lot of trauma I'm my life and the answer has been therapy... lots and lots of therapy...

In one of them I created a room full of filing cabinet with boxes. When an issue from my past or a triggering event arises, I mentally pull open the drawer and put the issue in the appropriate box to deal with at the appropriate time. 

Another therapy trained me to be who I needed to be in the situation I'm in at the moment by noticing how others are behaving and mimicking their behavior.  Or by studying the expectations of my role for that position.  (As a teacher, what is the expectations and responsibilities,  then do exactly that).

Another therapy taught me to jump to action instead of fight, flight freeze... but we're still working on the fawn issue... I still try to make others happy to avoid getting hurt...

There are so many more, but what it boils down to, is who am I? All I am is a pile of trauma, and layers of coping skills to lead a productive life.... I'm very good at pretending because I do it all day, everyday and it's exhausting... I love the reassurance statements that I'm not too much and I am enough, but really... can it be true? Can my life get better? Can I climb out of this pit to blend all of it together to find who I am? 

In the moments that I am real about who I am... I feel so little, so young, so weak... it hurts to be there, yet I want to stay there and be held ... be accepted.... be loved...but time and time, and time again I find I cannot make safe choices in that space.  I don't know who I am and it's scary... so I turn it off and protect myself...which gets me hurt even more...😢

 

 

[LittleBiscut]

Hey… lots of love from me to you. 💕

That’s a hard place to be in and I personally am there a lot. You voice it a lot better than me. I keep to myself or not know what I am feeling half the time. 
It’s okay open those boxes one at a time. I have slowly over years it only gets better with time. Truma is deep and painful but getting to the nitty gritty of it all you come out better and stronger.

Not trying at all can hurt more than trying in some cases, but protecting yourself isn’t wrong. Take you time and work on your hurts and try again when your ready. There is no rush, relationships are to make you happy not sad or hurt you.
If your ready then go for it, but if your not. Take care of you, do things that me you happy. Get to be in that place where you can take a leap. You deserve to be happy ! ❤️❤️❤️

[LittleBiscut]

 

 

[beanbean]

I feel that at least you know your a great teacher and very helpful here to many in the forums and the fact you been able to overcome so much and still be a helpful means a lot in my book

[redruffle41]

You're more than your thoughts, you're more than your feelings, you're more than your past, you're more than your future.....and you're way for fuck sure more than how others treat(ed) you. 💜 

[Aikko]

Good on you for opening yourself up to feeling. It’s difficult when those feelings are rooted in trauma, so be sure to take care of yourself. But it sounds like you’re aware which is more than most people can say, so you’re well on your way! Hugs to you. I pray you find some peace and solace today in wherever you might find yourself emotionally. 💜

[MissAnna]

I'm so proud of you Poppy! You are doing amazing and you should be so proud of yourself as well 💖

You are an amazing person and you are such a phenomenal teacher ❤️

You are perfect just being you including your little side as well. You are an inspirational teacher, a wonderful mother, an amazing friend, a terrific sister and a beautiful little. 

Don't be scared to be you 💞

Because I see you and I see how amazing you truly are 💝

[Baby Manda]

Thank you everyone.