Is it ok to open Communications with a parent you havent talked to or seen for years?

[Phoenix78]

I'm struggling to choose if I should talk to a parent that as a kid and even now I'm terrified of. As a kid it caused me nightmares to even hear their name. But now after so many years I have questions and things I want to know but I dont want them to think it is permission to come back into my life. So im asking others for their stance on this and maybe some advice if you have any 

Please and thank you for any answers

Edit: to add I decided to cut contact at 8 and this was supported by the other parent. I also have very little memory of my time with the parent I'm talking about.

Edited 19 hours ago by Phoenix78

[.คℓ𝐞ﾒเᏰααα .ᐟ]

Hi hi 👋

I'm a survivor of narcissistic abuse where the person in question also had Paranoid Schizophrenia.

From what you've said, I strongly advise against attempting to reopen a relationship with the parent. If you are afraid of the person, even if they weren't a parent, that sort of reaction is caused by abuse. The thing about abusive parents is that they just don't care. You'd be giving an amazing present to the abuser, in the form of allowing them to do whatever it was before- all over again. If you thought you were better off without the parent at one point, there is a strong chance that the person hasn't changed their toxic behaviors since then.

However, I completely understand having questions about the past. But be warned, you might not like the answers, or there will be a lot of blame-shifting manipulation. If you do look for any answers, I suggest asking other relatives who where involved in your life at the time, or any close friends of the family. Just be aware that if you do this, one tactic manipulators like to use is "flying monkeys." Anybody you ask, particularly if they're still close to the abuser, might run and tell the abuser what you're doing, then run back to you with the abuser to gang harass you.

In the long run, you're better off giving them the finger, than a second or third chance. I wish you well, and pleasant dreams~ ♡

Edit;

It occurred to me that you might be suffering from a Trauma Bond, which might be why you want to reopen communication with the abuser. If you haven't already had any kind of professional help, just know that there's absolutely nothing wrong with getting support for your mental health.

 

Edited 14 hours ago by .คℓ𝐞ﾒเᏰααα .ᐟ

[beanbean]

5 hours ago, Phoenix78 said:

I'm struggling to choose if I should talk to a parent that as a kid and even now I'm terrified of. As a kid it caused me nightmares to even hear their name. But now after so many years I have questions and things I want to know but I dont want them to think it is permission to come back into my life. So im asking others for their stance on this and maybe some advice if you have any 

Please and thank you for any answers

Edit: to add I decided to cut contact at 8 and this was supported by the other parent. I also have very little memory of my time with the parent I'm talking about.

Yeah even if you have questions you can’t ensure they will stay out of your life if you let them back , some people just don’t respect boundaries . At the end of the day it’s your choice tho

[Baby Manda]

6 hours ago, Phoenix78 said:

I'm struggling to choose if I should talk to a parent that as a kid and even now I'm terrified of. As a kid it caused me nightmares to even hear their name. But now after so many years I have questions and things I want to know but I dont want them to think it is permission to come back into my life. So im asking others for their stance on this and maybe some advice if you have any 

Please and thank you for any answers

Edit: to add I decided to cut contact at 8 and this was supported by the other parent. I also have very little memory of my time with the parent I'm talking about.

Hmmm...this is tough and my heart goes out to you. I have personally survived trauma and reached out later, and it was not good. I thought it would help, but it didn't.  It made my life harder. 

Sadly, I passed the trauma down to my children by finding partners who were also abusive and my oldest, who had no contact with her bio-father starting at age 17 months, also had questions.  It is normal to question who you are and where you come from. To try to understand why a parent would make the choices they did. My daughter reached out, with support from her bf and it has been difficult.  Her bio-father is unhealthy and now she feels trapped.  

Please know that you are valuable, significant and lovable. The answers you seek are painful and finding them will require a supportive community who is aware of your personal story. 

This is not a yes or no answer, but a please be mindful and cautious answer. 

 

[.คℓ𝐞ﾒเᏰααα .ᐟ]

@Baby Manda

You've mentioned something that I forgot to clarify, so thank you for that!

@Phoenix78

As Manda mentioned, my answer is also not a yes or no response. And my apologies for not making that clearer.  My answer is definitely a 'do what you feel is right, but be aware, cautious, and prepared to deal with a potentially negative aftermath' sort of answer. Only you can decide if you should reopen communications or not. Whatever you choose to do, I wish you nothing but the best possible outcome. 

Edited 15 hours ago by .คℓ𝐞ﾒเᏰααα .ᐟ