Broken foot... is healing possible?

[Baby Manda]

5 months ago I broke my foot... I can share here what really happened...

I was home alone over night finally🥳🎉 and embracing my little self to the fullest! I put on my Princess Jasmin costume, and my diapie coz when I start down the littlespace rabbit hole there's no tell what might happen! 🤭  I grabbed my favorite paci and clipped it to my top.. filled 2 bottles... one with protein drink (milk), and one with water... grabbed some baby puffs,  Goldfish, applesauce pouches, and a baby sweet potato pouch... found my favorite stuffies, turned on Princess Jasmin and started dancing barefooted in my living room! It was GLORIOUS!!!SPECTACULAR!!! SUPER FANTASTIC AMAZINGLY AWESOMEFIC!!!!!  Then my phone goes off....with my child's ring tone and I tripped mid spin, falling onto the couch...my foot hurt really bad,  but my child's desperate pleas quickly snapped me right outta littlespace and into parentspace. My pain temporarily forgotten as I rushed off to help my kid....

As it turned out, I really should have gone to the doctor that night, instead, I waited almost a week before I went in to have my foot x-rayed... then it was definitely fractured, but I have a congenital deformity in my feet and my local clinic won't treat it, so it's back to my orthopedic specialist for next steps... but the pain was beyond what I can handle, even with the daily pain meds I take and it was Thanksgiving,  so I waited another 2 weeks before treatment for the injury....

Then a walking boot, limited exercise, rest, ice, compression, elevate... the usual... come back in a month....only a month later... the fracture is wider! No signs of healing, and the bone next to it that broke 12 years ago is reopening (non union fracture) .... so in January I have had 7 weeks of a broken foot, now with 2 broken bones! Continue with resting it, wear the walking boot come back in 6 weeks.... Happy Valentine’s Day!!

On Valentine’s Day... still no healing... both bones are completely open now... it must be my weight, or something in my body nit working right.... go back to regular doctor and get referrals for weight loss clinic, rheumatology,  endocrinology,  GI, psychiatrist,  anyone and everyone... you are doing something wrong! Come back in 2 - 3 months....

It was a Terrible,  Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day......😢😭

I saw my doctor.... shared all the concerns...doctor says we need to pick one place to start....rheumatology,  GI, weight-loss clinic, psychiatrist.... GI gets canceled due to blizzard...rheumatology says a buncha nothingness... weight-loss says you're already on everything we can give you, see a specialist... psychiatrist says listen to your body, the doctors are shaming you instead of listening... find new doctors... how about a minor adjustment to help you sleep? (Hallelujah!!! Praise Jesus!!! Amen Brothers and Sisters! Sleeping better helps the pain, weight loss, anxiety, depression, food cravings, and mental anguish! She's a genius!!!) Endocrinology is in September...added Immunogists to the list...still waiting....

Recheck on my foot today: progress! Some healing...minimal pain!!! I can slowly (over the next month) transition with 1/2 days in shoes again! Boot at work! I need new custome orthotics for my shoes and prolly new shoes... originally the orthotics were going to be good for 5 - 10 years or even life... now, with how severely damaged my feet really are, I will need new ones every 2 years or every time I break my foot... new shoes (specialty also) every 2 or 3  months.... 

It's sooo hard to stay in a positive place with all of thing! I really wanna hate on the people in my life that made this such a big problem for me! My family and the medical staff that missed the diagnosis of a foot deformity when I was a child, when it could have been fixed. .. my ex hubby who drove over my foot with a car, causing a crush injury,  my co-workers who refuse to help me when I need it, my family who are bitter that I don't visit for holidays and "waste my money on myself" when I'm actively seeking treatment for health issues. Even "friends" in the DDLG community who I accidentally hurt by asking too much of them when I was struggling with so much physical, emotional and psychological pain and triggers these past 5 months. 

Today feels like a step forward, but also a step backwards. It brings all of these feelings back to the surface at once...

shame and guilt over my behavior these past few months and lost or broken friendships

embarrassment over my inability to be 100% independent and self-sufficient, yet longing to just be taken care of

confusion over all my emotions hitting me at once

hatred at my inability to cope with stress in a productive way that doesn't injure my body through the effects of toxic stress

jealousy of the support I see others receive so easily and a longing to find that peace myself

fear of never really being able to be accept who I know I am in my heart and fear of being all alone forever as this cycle continues to repeat more frequently in my life - it's not ok to drag others through my mess

anxiety at what could happen with this transition to shoes (last time i broke my other foot and needed surgery and couldn't drive for e months) and about the cost of everything ... it's so much and I'm all there is...

Just so much! I know there is hope because there is always hope. It has been worse, so much worse that words do not exist,  but I'm so tired... I'm tired or finding the positive in the midst of the negative... I just tired of being strong when I'm really so weak and hurting.... 

I know the right things to do, so that's what I do... fall back in the 1/4 of a century of therapy behaviors I've learned... one moment at a time... deep breaths... grounding techniques... guided meditation... growth mindset... Mindfulness... distress tolerance...emotion regulation... self-care....daily routine...meds... find people every day to say hi to so you don't isolate... be in nature...exercise...eat healthy... drink water (coz I gave up: alcohol a decade ago, caffeine,  processed foods, lactose, corn products, and I'm working on refined sugars, and gluten)...make a list focus on a task... set goals, make steps and mark off the steps you achieve...gratitude journal daily

But when do I get to be free? When do I get to really be myself without question or concern or judgements?When do I get to post without revising 10 times and waiting 30 minutes to make sure its a positive enough tone,  not offensive and well written? When can I be crabby and grumpy, or hyper and chatty without thinking about how it makes someone else feel? And when will someone put me first? Just once? When will someone care for me, too?

 

[Warmandfuzzy]

Hey Baby Manda, that sounds like a really tough road. And lonely. And to add insult to injury it happened when you were in little space doing what you were wanting to do. If I am understanding, it sounds like you feel like everyone has let you down. And you are on your own. And you feel right now you can't get back to the little space you so want to get back to. I am sorry to hear you are having such a tough time. In my opinion, it is good to use the coping techniques you have learned. And it is also important to be able to express yourself in whatever way you need, as long as you aren't intentionally hurting anyone (I am not saying you are trying to or meaning to do that). I did not find this post offensive or harmful in any way, just honest and raw. I sincerely hope you continue to find the courage to post your thoughts and feelings, and that this community listens and supports you. From most of the people I have met, I think they will! Have a nice weekend 🙂

[Baby Manda]

15 minutes ago, Warmandfuzzy said:

Hey Baby Manda, that sounds like a really tough road. And lonely. And to add insult to injury it happened when you were in little space doing what you were wanting to do. If I am understanding, it sounds like you feel like everyone has let you down. And you are on your own. And you feel right now you can't get back to the little space you so want to get back to. I am sorry to hear you are having such a tough time. In my opinion, it is good to use the coping techniques you have learned. And it is also important to be able to express yourself in whatever way you need, as long as you aren't intentionally hurting anyone (I am not saying you are trying to or meaning to do that). I did not find this post offensive or harmful in any way, just honest and raw. I sincerely hope you continue to find the courage to post your thoughts and feelings, and that this community listens and supports you. From most of the people I have met, I think they will! Have a nice weekend 🙂

Thank you for your kind words. I hadn't thought about how I was hurt in littlespace... I was actually supposed to be with online friends that night but stuff came up and I was alone, so I've been harboring a lot of resentment about it. This is a time I need to let go of my anger, feelings of rejection and hurt and forgive. Thank you for helping me see a bit of myself more clearly.  

[beanbean]

Seem like a lot going through that head of yours but at least some progress made on your foot 

[Warmandfuzzy]

Of course! I am happy to help. Deep rooted feelings take time and it is important to express them. 

I am thinking of reaching out to shadow rider and proposing to start a topic for positivity, encouragement and happiness. I would try to post a few times a week with positive quotes, uplifting stories from around the net and possibly interviewing members and sharing their stories about challenges in their lives that they have overcome. The latter would have to be generalized and anonymous of course. I could definitely use a little's perspective to make this sharing and positivity even more meaningful if shadow rider gives a thumbs up and I know you could greatly contribute! 

My one question is do you think others would benefit from that? I have noticed a lot of the clubs and topics get a few posts at the beginning when they are started and then after a little time most of them stop having people post or respond to postings. 

I appreciate hearing your thoughts

[Baby Manda]

39 minutes ago, beanbean said:

Seem like a lot going through that head of yours but at least some progress made on your foot 

It's like a herd of elephants stomping around in my head today! So many crazy thoughts!  I just wanna cry, scream, throw things, laugh, and snuggle Puppy, Care Bear,  and Mama Foxy all at once!  I put myself to bed early... like at 7:15 early, but now it's 8:40... I'm still my phone, and I'm hungry...sooo I'm gonna eat some of that baguette I bought today from Panera and make a bottle of strawberry protein shake and a bottle of water... I gotta relax... it will be better in the morning... sleep helps...

[Baby Manda]

44 minutes ago, Warmandfuzzy said:

Of course! I am happy to help. Deep rooted feelings take time and it is important to express them. 

I am thinking of reaching out to shadow rider and proposing to start a topic for positivity, encouragement and happiness. I would try to post a few times a week with positive quotes, uplifting stories from around the net and possibly interviewing members and sharing their stories about challenges in their lives that they have overcome. The latter would have to be generalized and anonymous of course. I could definitely use a little's perspective to make this sharing and positivity even more meaningful if shadow rider gives a thumbs up and I know you could greatly contribute! 

My one question is do you think others would benefit from that? I have noticed a lot of the clubs and topics get a few posts at the beginning when they are started and then after a little time most of them stop having people post or respond to postings. 

I appreciate hearing your thoughts

I think it's a great idea! Reach out to Shadow! It may take a bit for him to get back to you, but he's super helpful, reliable and honest! 

[beanbean]

1 hour ago, Baby Manda said:

It's like a herd of elephants stomping around in my head today! So many crazy thoughts!  I just wanna cry, scream, throw things, laugh, and snuggle Puppy, Care Bear,  and Mama Foxy all at once!  I put myself to bed early... like at 7:15 early, but now it's 8:40... I'm still my phone, and I'm hungry...sooo I'm gonna eat some of that baguette I bought today from Panera and make a bottle of strawberry protein shake and a bottle of water... I gotta relax... it will be better in the morning... sleep helps...

I mean I have those days as well , I sure hope you heal tho I can’t imagine having a bum foot for so long 

[Baby Manda]

35 minutes ago, beanbean said:

I mean I have those days as well , I sure hope you heal tho I can’t imagine having a bum foot for so long 

It's the 5th time this foot had been broken in 12 years.... I also broke the other foot 2 years ago and needed surgery and a metal pin in it...  the positive this time was I did not need crutches, a walker, or a wheelchair.... I feel ancient when I need assistive devices to walk....  plus the longest time I've worn a walking boot is 7  months after walking on a broken foot for 4 months before the doctor saw the break... I know it will be ok... I'm just u comfortable with my big emotions... 

[lillizzie24]

Sending hugs! Sorry you are going through this. Its hard while things like this happens. You are a strong person and things seem hard right now, but u did get some good news.