Happy Memory Made me Sad

[Baby Manda]

My first Daddy was a really more a friends with benefits thing, except the benefits was the DDLG.  We met at my second full-time job, his full-time job, and we had a lot in common. We both we're single parents of daughters in high school and our personalities meshed well. We kinda figured out the Daddy/little dynamic together. As I learned more about myself, I realized I needed more from a Daddy than he could give. He figured it out long before I did and waited for me to get there, too. When I did, he was kind and supportive,  but I felt very lost.

Almost immediately I jumped into an online relationship with a Daddy and it was not good. Then I tried spending more time with my little friends, but I really was not coping well and it was not good either. I crashed badly and had a friend step in to be my temporary Mommy. It was good, but as I got stronger, we drifted apart and it ended. I've been a single little again for several weeks, but we really didn't have a daily check-ins for a couple of months. My daily routine,  chores, sleep, and eating have all been off. I've also been struggling with pain from a broken foot that isn't healing and have had multiple visits to a half a dozen specialists in the past 6 weeks. 

All this said, I really need accountability to get my work done, but I haven't had it.  I'm super overwhelmed with needing to clean my house this weekend because I have a housing inspection this week. However, I know  I am capable and determined,  so I started in the kitchen! I worked for 2 hours and got a lot done! Then I went to take off my super wet apron and the ties were knotted in the back!

I suddenly remembered the last time that happened and my first Daddy was visiting. I was home alone (which is rare) so I had made supper for him and invited him over.  I wanted to be good,so I washed dishes when we were finished and we talked. I really struggle with being taken care of and when I went to take my apron off, the ties knotted. He said, "turn around, I'll get it." I said, "it's ok, I can get it." Then out came the Daddy Voice and I did let him help me. Plus I got a gentle spanking and some cuddles.  I really didn't know how to handle all my emotions and I cried,  but he just held me and wiped my tears.

Now cleaning today, when my apron knotted and I remember all the good times with him and my other Caregivers. Sure there's ups and downs,  communication blunders, but I miss the moments where I felt safe, supported, valued, and special. I feel kinda sad seeing my messy house, remembering what was and knowing I'm not ready for more yet. 

Life can be so overwhelming sometimes that I miss the moments that are golden. Today my heart is happy for the good times I've had, but sad for the friends I've lost along the way. 

[redruffle41]

I wish I was a daddy and I could send you the support you need through words. I would tell you that you deserve care and support. You deserve to be loved where you're at instead of from some mysterious acceptable place. You deserve to be loved because you are amazing! 

[Baby Manda]

13 minutes ago, redruffle41 said:

I wish I was a daddy and I could send you the support you need through words. I would tell you that you deserve care and support. You deserve to be loved where you're at instead of from some mysterious acceptable place. You deserve to be loved because you are amazing! 

Thank you dear friend. I'm looking for the truth beyond my feelings today. Sometimes my feelings overwhelm the truth.  I am enough. 

[redruffle41]

1 hour ago, Baby Manda said:

Thank you dear friend. I'm looking for the truth beyond my feelings today. Sometimes my feelings overwhelm the truth.  I am enough. 

That's some sexy stuff right there lady!!! Phew! My hats off to you for that one.

[Baby Manda]

Thank you. Therapy helps a lot!

[beanbean]

Such is life but as long as we learn the lessons it okay to have mixed emotions of or memories 

[MissAnna]

@Baby Manda I love reading your post on this forum. You show such love and understanding to everyone on here. 

I wish I could give you a big hug and tell you it's okay that you will find your fairytale ending. 

What a beautiful memory to share, thank you for sharing that with all of us. You are such an important part of this community. 

You are so brave, so strong and your beauty shines from within you. Im so proud of you and I know everyone on here is as well.

Please don't ever stop being yourself, don't ever let anyone's negativity bring you down. Because you are perfect just the way you are.

Until we meet again remember you matter, you are loved and you are worthy of being loved 💗 

 

[Warmandfuzzy]

Hey Baby Manda, that sounds like a challenging day indeed. I know you posted this a while ago but I wanted to write a quick note to check up on you and see how you are holding up? I find that in our hardest hours in life, when we are left alone with ourselves, is when we find the courage and strength to carry on. We find that the candle burns brightly inside our hearts as we walk through our darkness. And it sounds like you did just that "looking for the truth beyond my feelings." Good for you! It is true that having others at our side (DD, friends, family) makes this journey easier and others can lend a helping hand, teach us things we don't already know, or make us accountable. But no one can give us what we don't already have inside ourselves. You are enough! 

[Baby Manda]

Thank you @Warmandfuzzy for asking. I believe that life never gets easier, we just learn how to walk through it better!

My house is still a mess, I never heard from housing, but they came in this week to change the locks, replace the smoke detectors and fix some concrete,  so they saw the mess... and my ex here with my sick child. It's not a good thing,  but it's my reality.

I actually have another appointment with the orthopedic specialist tomorrow about my foot. Hopefully it's healed enough I can stop wearing the walking boot finally. The pain was better this week, and I'm sleeping a bit better. I still need to work on routine and eating, but one day at a time. 

Work was overwhelming the past 2 weeks and I really needed littlespace to help me relax. Thankfully I have found a really great friend to talk to about little stuff! Just watching a movie together and coloring can be the difference between finding peace and staying overwhelmed. 

I still feel very insecure around Daddies, Doms, and most men... it's got to do with my trauma.  I desperately want a Daddy's attention,  affection, and guidance, but when it happens, I get so triggered or regress super quickly! Then I'm a bumbling, fumbling ball of anxiety and I forget who I am, which isn't a good thing. I need to be certain I am stable in who I am before moving on with another Caregiver.   I feel very sad about this, coz I know a Caregiver could help me a lot with my stress and routine problems, but it is where I'm at  in my trauma healing process and I need to be ok with my own needs. 

Trust is so incredibly difficult for me and I've had so many negative experiences, that it takes a tremendous amount of effort to trust anyone. 

Maybe better put this way. I recently posted some pictures of my pacifier collection on the forum... several others commented how cute I was and loved what I was posting.... very kind, sweet and appropriate things to say, but I am constantly waiting for the negative comments to start... waiting to see who "hates on me" for my choices or because of who I am... because that's how I was raised... if anyone ever said anything kind, it was because they wanted or needed something from me. Not because I was worthy or deserving. In some ways, this was a positive because I learned to work for what i wanted and needed. The negative us tgat all my Caregivers have struggled with me on this coz it's worse when I regress. When I'm an adult, I can control my thinking and choose to say and do the right thing, and  behave in the expected way. But when I regress, I tend to loose control and my real feelings bubble up. This is not ok for every day people to deal with, so I see a therapist and I frequently overwhelm her. Trauma is a lot. I'm not completely lost, but I do need to stay present to avoid hurting others. 

[Warmandfuzzy]

You have to wear one of those fashionable boots huh? 😅 I hope the appointment goes the way you want it to tomorrow! Pain making it difficult to sleep is the worst. I work in the medical field and hear patients say all the time they can't sleep due to pain. It is a really big problem...a pain in the butt, I mean foot 😜 I read on your profile that you are a teacher in the lower grades. Chasing kiddos around with one of those boots has to be a challenge!!! Sorry to hear your child is sick...ugh, no fun. Nothing worse to me than seeing a child sick. 

Having a friend to lean on is what we all need sometimes to help us through the hard times and make the good times even better!!! I am glad you found someone like that who you can spend time with 🙂

And I feel honored that you opened up a little about your trauma. I too can feel closed off around people that remind me about what has happened in my past and I can at times disassociate, you are not the only one. I know how it feels to have anxiety trip you up. It makes it hard to think and get words out at times. I will think a woman is cute and my mind just goes blank 🤣 

Trust is something that should be earned. Those of us who have experienced trauma in the past do tend to take more time then maybe some others do to trust people. But it is understandable as we are just looking out for and taking care of ourselves. I am happy to hear that you recognize some of the patterns from things that happened to you in your childhood, like people only saying nice things because they wanted or needed something. The first step is recognizing.I have been told to pay close attention and recognize that not everyone else is like our family of origin and not expect to get treated the same way by others we meet. Have you ever tried EMDR therapy? I would be happy to message with you about it if you like. If you follow me I will do the same and send you a message

 

 

[Baby Manda]

25 minutes ago, Warmandfuzzy said:

You have to wear one of those fashionable boots huh? 😅 I hope the appointment goes the way you want it to tomorrow! Pain making it difficult to sleep is the worst. I work in the medical field and hear patients say all the time they can't sleep due to pain. It is a really big problem...a pain in the butt, I mean foot 😜 I read on your profile that you are a teacher in the lower grades. Chasing kiddos around with one of those boots has to be a challenge!!! Sorry to hear your child is sick...ugh, no fun. Nothing worse to me than seeing a child sick. 

Having a friend to lean on is what we all need sometimes to help us through the hard times and make the good times even better!!! I am glad you found someone like that who you can spend time with 🙂

And I feel honored that you opened up a little about your trauma. I too can feel closed off around people that remind me about what has happened in my past and I can at times disassociate, you are not the only one. I know how it feels to have anxiety trip you up. It makes it hard to think and get words out at times. I will think a woman is cute and my mind just goes blank 🤣 

Trust is something that should be earned. Those of us who have experienced trauma in the past do tend to take more time then maybe some others do to trust people. But it is understandable as we are just looking out for and taking care of ourselves. I am happy to hear that you recognize some of the patterns from things that happened to you in your childhood, like people only saying nice things because they wanted or needed something. The first step is recognizing.I have been told to pay close attention and recognize that not everyone else is like our family of origin and not expect to get treated the same way by others we meet. Have you ever tried EMDR therapy? I would be happy to message with you about it if you like. If you follow me I will do the same and send you a message

 

 

I have done EMDR my first experience was actually very traumatic,  initiated by my mom and someone she knew personally... they targeted a trauma I wasn't ready to process and worked daily, intensively over 8 days on Spring Break... not the best... then 2 or 3 therapist ago, I tried it again and it helped a lot more. My current therapist uses it a bit when I escalate in session.

I've also done several rounds of DBT (dialect behavior therapy). It was originally designed for BPD, but helps with trauma, depression,  anxiety, co-dependency and a bunch of other stuff, too. It's pretty amazing! I went through the first 6 months when I was 19. Then 20 years later, I did another 6 months in a group, left the group and met with a therapist for about 6 months (somethings happened within the group that were not safe and triggered me, so I had to wait for people to move on before rejoining), then I returned to the group for 2 more years... I love the mindfulness exercises and I'm really good at distress tolerance(coping skills)... I was about 75% on emotion regulation (self-care).... relationship stuff... not my best...40% on a good day... I think I'm better now, but it takes so much daily awareness to keep growing! DDlg definitely helps me a lot!