Help with trusting again

[Baby Manda]

I am struggling with controlling my behavior when I'm in littlespace. I regress and get very needy, truly needy. For example, I ask for which movies to watch, clothes to wear,  foods to eat, pictures to color, even which cup/bottle to use for my water and so much more!  I also seek a lot of reassurance (pretty constantly) and follow my rules exactly (or apologize when real life happens and I miss a rule unintentionally), and need  punishments to keep me accountable.  Of course communication is so important and I understand that people need to handle other stuff, too. I don't badger people, but I love to talk a lot and it drains everyone!  I've found it really difficult to be in any relationship/dynamic or even part of any group that has a regular commitment. I get wrapped up in littlespace and really forget that I need to be a responsible grown-up with boundaries even in littlespace.  That I need to give people space and wait for them to talk to me first or just stop asking questions and watch the conversations first in group settings. As both a little and big I wanna please people and I do get lost in "making others happy" without thinking about my needs, but then I have regrets later, which hurt relationships,  too. I know this is a bigger problem and I am in therapy for this. I have been for 25 years and it is better now than ever before. It rarely impacts my professional life or my adult life any more, but is a big problem in my littlespace. 

Several months ago, I was part of a group and my behavior was inappropriate,  so I apologized and took a break to get help. One of my little friends has asked me to come back and I am feeling so much fear! I desperately want to go back, I miss the group so much, and it helped me cope with life so much! But now I don't know that I can go back. I don't have a CG to help me and I still have limited experience as a little. I also don't have anything to ground me and pull me out of littlespace.  I've been trying to incorporate my littlespace into daily life as much as I can, on my own, to avoid losing control emotionally by neglecting my little self, but also restricting my little self to specific times and/or situations to avoid deep dives or getting lost in regression during littlespace. I avoid little movies and TV shows except on Friday night or Saturday morning, I try to color 1 picture a day either on my phone or by hand, I only use my paci in bed, I wear dresses with leggings, and only use my stuffies at bedtime. Sometimes for a treat (if I get to be home alone) I make oatmeal with baby fruit or veggies and a sippy of water. (I put a lot of stuff away and focused on daily habits to maintain my behavior). 

 

I am so afraid that if I go back to the group, I'll get lost again, and hurt people,  be burden to them, or cause them to worry about me. Plus there's no one to warn me when I'm starting to regress or share too much. I really need someone to just say...time to log off Little One...but I don't have any close friends in the community and I'm not in a place where I'm ready for a CG, either. I've already seen myself doing similar behaviors on this forum, so I'm trying to stay away and only post things like coloring pictures.  (Like this post about my feelings, and fears, and problems). 

I feel like I'm stuck in this tiny little bubble where I need to be perfect for anyone to accept me, only no one told me what perfect means or the expectations they have for me. I know I cannot always trust my feelings, especially when it comes to people.  I also know I need to fight the desire I have to run away from everyone who gets close to me, but it's always been tough to navigate these feelings, even before I discovered I was little. When I discovered I was little, 3 years ago, life made so much sense! It was so freeing to finally understand myself, but the more I explore my little self, the younger I go and the safer I feel, which really scares me. I love the feelings of safety and security in littlespace, but how do I trust anyone and let them into that space again? I've shut everyone out. How do I start letting people back in without hurting others this time?

[Dangerously_Well]

Oh sweetheart, your post is filled with so much honesty and vulnerability, and I want you to know that I hear you. It sounds like you're carrying a heavy burden, and it takes immense courage to share these struggles.

It's completely understandable that you're struggling with controlling your behavior in littlespace. That feeling of being truly needy and wanting constant reassurance is common, and it's okay to feel that way. It's also understandable that you're afraid of returning to the group after your past experience.

The fact that you're in therapy and have been for so long shows your commitment to self-improvement, and that's truly admirable. You've made significant progress in your adult life, and it's okay that littlespace presents unique challenges.

Here are some compassionate thoughts and realistic suggestions:

• Acknowledge your progress: You've made significant strides in managing your behavior. Recognize and celebrate those achievements.
• Self-regulation strategies: You've already started incorporating littlespace into your daily life in a structured way. This is a great start. Consider adding more grounding techniques, like:
  • Mindfulness exercises: Simple breathing exercises or grounding visualizations can help you stay present and aware of your surroundings.
  • Sensory tools: Fidget toys, weighted blankets, or even a specific scent can help ground you when you feel overwhelmed.
  • Time limits: Set timers for littlespace activities to help you maintain boundaries.
• Communication is key: If you decide to return to the group, be open and honest about your concerns. Let them know that you're working on self-regulation and that you might need gentle reminders to stay grounded.
• "Safe word" or "check-in" system: Consider establishing a safe word or a regular check-in system with a trusted friend in the group. This can help them gently remind you when you're starting to regress too deeply.
• Gradual re-entry: Don't feel pressured to jump back into the group full-time. Start by participating in smaller activities or conversations and gradually increase your involvement as you feel more comfortable.
• Self-compassion: Be kind and patient with yourself. You're working through complex emotions and patterns, and it's okay to make mistakes along the way.
• Focus on your needs: You mentioned a desire to please others. While kindness is good, do not forget you. You are allowed to have needs, and to find ways to meet them.
• Online safe spaces: There are many online communities that focus on self-regulation and emotional support. You may find more support in those groups.
• Regarding the fear of trust: Start with small acts of trust. Share a small detail with someone you trust, or ask for help with a minor task. Build trust gradually.

You are not alone in this. Your desire for safety and connection is valid, and you deserve to have fulfilling relationships. Take things one step at a time, and remember that you're worthy of love and acceptance.

[beanbean]

9 hours ago, Baby Girl Miss Amanda said:

I am struggling with controlling my behavior when I'm in littlespace. I regress and get very needy, truly needy. For example, I ask for which movies to watch, clothes to wear,  foods to eat, pictures to color, even which cup/bottle to use for my water and so much more!  I also seek a lot of reassurance (pretty constantly) and follow my rules exactly (or apologize when real life happens and I miss a rule unintentionally), and need  punishments to keep me accountable.  Of course communication is so important and I understand that people need to handle other stuff, too. I don't badger people, but I love to talk a lot and it drains everyone!  I've found it really difficult to be in any relationship/dynamic or even part of any group that has a regular commitment. I get wrapped up in littlespace and really forget that I need to be a responsible grown-up with boundaries even in littlespace.  That I need to give people space and wait for them to talk to me first or just stop asking questions and watch the conversations first in group settings. As both a little and big I wanna please people and I do get lost in "making others happy" without thinking about my needs, but then I have regrets later, which hurt relationships,  too. I know this is a bigger problem and I am in therapy for this. I have been for 25 years and it is better now than ever before. It rarely impacts my professional life or my adult life any more, but is a big problem in my littlespace. 

Several months ago, I was part of a group and my behavior was inappropriate,  so I apologized and took a break to get help. One of my little friends has asked me to come back and I am feeling so much fear! I desperately want to go back, I miss the group so much, and it helped me cope with life so much! But now I don't know that I can go back. I don't have a CG to help me and I still have limited experience as a little. I also don't have anything to ground me and pull me out of littlespace.  I've been trying to incorporate my littlespace into daily life as much as I can, on my own, to avoid losing control emotionally by neglecting my little self, but also restricting my little self to specific times and/or situations to avoid deep dives or getting lost in regression during littlespace. I avoid little movies and TV shows except on Friday night or Saturday morning, I try to color 1 picture a day either on my phone or by hand, I only use my paci in bed, I wear dresses with leggings, and only use my stuffies at bedtime. Sometimes for a treat (if I get to be home alone) I make oatmeal with baby fruit or veggies and a sippy of water. (I put a lot of stuff away and focused on daily habits to maintain my behavior). 

 

I am so afraid that if I go back to the group, I'll get lost again, and hurt people,  be burden to them, or cause them to worry about me. Plus there's no one to warn me when I'm starting to regress or share too much. I really need someone to just say...time to log off Little One...but I don't have any close friends in the community and I'm not in a place where I'm ready for a CG, either. I've already seen myself doing similar behaviors on this forum, so I'm trying to stay away and only post things like coloring pictures.  (Like this post about my feelings, and fears, and problems). 

I feel like I'm stuck in this tiny little bubble where I need to be perfect for anyone to accept me, only no one told me what perfect means or the expectations they have for me. I know I cannot always trust my feelings, especially when it comes to people.  I also know I need to fight the desire I have to run away from everyone who gets close to me, but it's always been tough to navigate these feelings, even before I discovered I was little. When I discovered I was little, 3 years ago, life made so much sense! It was so freeing to finally understand myself, but the more I explore my little self, the younger I go and the safer I feel, which really scares me. I love the feelings of safety and security in littlespace, but how do I trust anyone and let them into that space again? I've shut everyone out. How do I start letting people back in without hurting others this time?

Sounds like you’re figuring it out . Sometimes that takes time is all . You could always rejoin the group but on time limits and see how it goes . If it’s getting to be too much or your acting out you can scale it back

[Baby Manda]

9 hours ago, Dangerously_Well said:

• Acknowledge your progress: You've made significant strides in managing your behavior. Recognize and celebrate those achievements.
• Self-regulation strategies: You've already started incorporating littlespace into your daily life in a structured way. This is a great start. Consider adding more grounding techniques, like:
  • Mindfulness exercises: Simple breathing exercises or grounding visualizations can help you stay present and aware of your surroundings.
  • Sensory tools: Fidget toys, weighted blankets, or even a specific scent can help ground you when you feel overwhelmed.
  • Time limits: Set timers for littlespace activities to help you maintain boundaries.
• Communication is key: If you decide to return to the group, be open and honest about your concerns. Let them know that you're working on self-regulation and that you might need gentle reminders to stay grounded.
• "Safe word" or "check-in" system: Consider establishing a safe word or a regular check-in system with a trusted friend in the group. This can help them gently remind you when you're starting to regress too deeply.
• Gradual re-entry: Don't feel pressured to jump back into the group full-time. Start by participating in smaller activities or conversations and gradually increase your involvement as you feel more comfortable.
• Self-compassion: Be kind and patient with yourself. You're working through complex emotions and patterns, and it's okay to make mistakes along the way.
• Focus on your needs: You mentioned a desire to please others. While kindness is good, do not forget you. You are allowed to have needs, and to find ways to meet them.
• Online safe spaces: There are many online communities that focus on self-regulation and emotional support. You may find more support in those groups.
• Regarding the fear of trust: Start with small acts of trust. Share a small detail with someone you trust, or ask for help with a minor task. Build trust gradually.

Thank you for your kind words! I do use a lot of Mindfulness and fidgets to get through my day as an adult as well as timers, but I had not thought about using them in littlespace or group settings! 

Self-compassion is something I have always struggled with and I try to "find the silver lining" or "growth mindset" or "what's the positive here" because every experience a learning opportunity.  

I do love the quote from Dune by Frank Herbert, "I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it is gone only I will remain." 

My ADHD brain gets so hyper focused on whether or not I did the right thing, I get paralyzed and my fear takes over. I try to remember that fear is in me, and not really about the other person or people. I so appreciate people being direct and honest with me, before things get to the point I need to leave; however, I find most people are really uncomfortable telling me to take a break, even when given permission.  

It really is like living on a small island in the ocean with a big cruise ship coming past. I desperately wanna get on that ship, but I don't know how to behave once I get there. It's all so new and beautiful,  and I have no idea how to respond in that environment.  So is it really something I wanna start now in the middle of my adult life? It could be fun! I could learn new things, meet great people and finally belong. Or I could get there and really mess up again,  only to be asked to leave at the next port to start over again. Only now I know what it could be like and I'm so much worse off. I'm heartbroken,  and sad, and all alone on a new island trying to find myself all over again. 

 

I need to seriously weigh the pros and cons to decide not just what I want, but what is best for me at this point in my life. I have come to understand that life is full of hard choices, and just because I want to embrace something new,  doesn't mean that this is the best time in my life to follow through with joining new groups. I still need to maintain my real life responsibilities.  It sounds sad, but it is part of who we all are as adults. I'm not on an island, I'm in the middle of my life, single parenting,  working full time, in grad school and strugglingwith my health. I need to find balance in life, not add more stress. So maybe taking care of me is being patient and waiting until the time is right for me to be in a CG/L relationship or group and I can devote time and energy to others. 

Maybe my problem isn't trust, but too many commitments. Not necessarily a bad thing, but definitely an exhausting thing. I do need to remember to rest and be present in the moment.  

 

Thank you, again for your kind supportive words!

[Baby Manda]

8 hours ago, beanbean said:

Sounds like you’re figuring it out . Sometimes that takes time is all . You could always rejoin the group but on time limits and see how it goes . If it’s getting to be too much or your acting out you can scale it back

Thanks for the encouragement! I sometimes forget it doesn't need to be 100% perfect! It's the teacher in me. 

[princessmeggs]

On 3/8/2025 at 3:34 PM, Baby Girl Miss Amanda said:

I am struggling with controlling my behavior when I'm in littlespace. I regress and get very needy, truly needy. For example, I ask for which movies to watch, clothes to wear,  foods to eat, pictures to color, even which cup/bottle to use for my water and so much more!  I also seek a lot of reassurance (pretty constantly) and follow my rules exactly (or apologize when real life happens and I miss a rule unintentionally), and need  punishments to keep me accountable.  Of course communication is so important and I understand that people need to handle other stuff, too. I don't badger people, but I love to talk a lot and it drains everyone!  I've found it really difficult to be in any relationship/dynamic or even part of any group that has a regular commitment. I get wrapped up in littlespace and really forget that I need to be a responsible grown-up with boundaries even in littlespace.  That I need to give people space and wait for them to talk to me first or just stop asking questions and watch the conversations first in group settings. As both a little and big I wanna please people and I do get lost in "making others happy" without thinking about my needs, but then I have regrets later, which hurt relationships,  too. I know this is a bigger problem and I am in therapy for this. I have been for 25 years and it is better now than ever before. It rarely impacts my professional life or my adult life any more, but is a big problem in my littlespace. 

Several months ago, I was part of a group and my behavior was inappropriate,  so I apologized and took a break to get help. One of my little friends has asked me to come back and I am feeling so much fear! I desperately want to go back, I miss the group so much, and it helped me cope with life so much! But now I don't know that I can go back. I don't have a CG to help me and I still have limited experience as a little. I also don't have anything to ground me and pull me out of littlespace.  I've been trying to incorporate my littlespace into daily life as much as I can, on my own, to avoid losing control emotionally by neglecting my little self, but also restricting my little self to specific times and/or situations to avoid deep dives or getting lost in regression during littlespace. I avoid little movies and TV shows except on Friday night or Saturday morning, I try to color 1 picture a day either on my phone or by hand, I only use my paci in bed, I wear dresses with leggings, and only use my stuffies at bedtime. Sometimes for a treat (if I get to be home alone) I make oatmeal with baby fruit or veggies and a sippy of water. (I put a lot of stuff away and focused on daily habits to maintain my behavior). 

 

I am so afraid that if I go back to the group, I'll get lost again, and hurt people,  be burden to them, or cause them to worry about me. Plus there's no one to warn me when I'm starting to regress or share too much. I really need someone to just say...time to log off Little One...but I don't have any close friends in the community and I'm not in a place where I'm ready for a CG, either. I've already seen myself doing similar behaviors on this forum, so I'm trying to stay away and only post things like coloring pictures.  (Like this post about my feelings, and fears, and problems). 

I feel like I'm stuck in this tiny little bubble where I need to be perfect for anyone to accept me, only no one told me what perfect means or the expectations they have for me. I know I cannot always trust my feelings, especially when it comes to people.  I also know I need to fight the desire I have to run away from everyone who gets close to me, but it's always been tough to navigate these feelings, even before I discovered I was little. When I discovered I was little, 3 years ago, life made so much sense! It was so freeing to finally understand myself, but the more I explore my little self, the younger I go and the safer I feel, which really scares me. I love the feelings of safety and security in littlespace, but how do I trust anyone and let them into that space again? I've shut everyone out. How do I start letting people back in without hurting others this time?

I hear you 100% I'm exactly the same I know how hard it is trying to be perfect all the time when you don't even know what perfect is. I have autism and adhd as well as a few other things and that makes it so hard because I have emotional dysregulation and I have problems with socialisation and communication so even when I'm not in little space I can be way to clingy and needy or I can forget I haven't relied to someone yet. It's hard be something everyone needs to try and learn is that no one is perfect and no one expects them to be.