Vanilla Partner - Advice please?

[Littlejewel]

My husband and I have been married for almost 10 years. When we got married I didn’t know I was a little, but I knew I as a sub and that he was not at all a Dom. I thought this was fine and I could deal with it. However as time progressed I have taken on a more dominant role both in and out of the bedroom. Sometimes it feels like I’m his boss. 

I discovered I was a little about 4 years ago and brought it up to him about 6 months later. He said would try to be my Daddy but it never happened. When I brought it up again a year after that he said it just wasn’t who he is and didn’t come naturally to him so I left it alone.

It’s now become harder and harder to suppress this part of myself. I brought it up again last night to try to come up with a compromise and he told me he wasn’t going to try to be something he’s not. He also told me he doesn’t want to “play daddy” to me when we already have 3 kids to take care of. I respect the fact that he isn’t interested and this lifestyle isn’t for everyone. Unfortunately This has taken a huge toll on my mental health. 
 

Does anyone have any thoughts or advice? Thanks!

[beanbean]

It’s a difficult situation for sure but unfortunately you did communicate and that didn’t work so not really sure what could I am guessing that he doesn’t want you to have a platonic caregiver?

[karan]

  On 3/4/2025 at 3:37 PM, Littlejewel said:

My husband and I have been married for almost 10 years. When we got married I didn’t know I was a little, but I knew I as a sub and that he was not at all a Dom. I thought this was fine and I could deal with it. However as time progressed I have taken on a more dominant role both in and out of the bedroom. Sometimes it feels like I’m his boss. 

I discovered I was a little about 4 years ago and brought it up to him about 6 months later. He said would try to be my Daddy but it never happened. When I brought it up again a year after that he said it just wasn’t who he is and didn’t come naturally to him so I left it alone.

It’s now become harder and harder to suppress this part of myself. I brought it up again last night to try to come up with a compromise and he told me he wasn’t going to try to be something he’s not. He also told me he doesn’t want to “play daddy” to me when we already have 3 kids to take care of. I respect the fact that he isn’t interested and this lifestyle isn’t for everyone. Unfortunately This has taken a huge toll on my mental health. 
 

Does anyone have any thoughts or advice? Thanks!

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It can be difficult especially with 3 kids, the sad part is that he is not even willing to try. I think you should look for a daddy outside your marriage, doesn't have to be NSFW, just like bean said, a platonic daddy can help with your mental health and make sure you are okay.

If you ever need to talk, vent or chat, you can send me a follow request.

[Littlejewel]

  On 3/4/2025 at 3:41 PM, beanbean said:

It’s a difficult situation for sure but unfortunately you did communicate and that didn’t work so not really sure what could I am guessing that he doesn’t want you to have a platonic caregiver?

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He just recently said he would be okay with a platonic caregiver. Even a not so platonic one as long as that part of the relationship is online and not in real life. But I feel like that’s hard to find.

It also doesn’t address the issue of being the dominant one in our relationship, which is getting harder and harder for me. 

  On 3/4/2025 at 3:48 PM, karan said:

It can be difficult especially with 3 kids, the sad part is that he is not even willing to try. I think you should look for a daddy outside your marriage, doesn't have to be NSFW, just like bean said, a platonic daddy can help with your mental health and make sure you are okay.

If you ever need to talk, vent or chat, you can send me a follow request.

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Thank you so much! I really appreciate it. 

[karan]

  On 3/4/2025 at 3:53 PM, Littlejewel said:

en a not so platonic one as long as that part of the relationship is online and not in real life. But I feel like that’s hard to find.

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Well since he said it is okay, and I am looking for something online mostly it works for me would you be okay following and talking more about this? ofcourse no pressure. 

 

 

  On 3/4/2025 at 3:53 PM, Littlejewel said:

Thank you so much! I really appreciate it. 

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Absolutely, you are welcome 🙂

[DaddyABQ]

It sounds like the dynamic on both sides isn't working for you both anymore, which is okay, as long as the fundamentals of your marriage are okay. I can speak from personal experience when I say that opening our marriage up to others, even online, was a way for my now ex-wife and I to avoid acknowledging that our marriage was failing; in that regard, I'd make sure that you and he check to be sure that, absent both his ability to be dominant with you and you not getting the support you need as a little, that the core of your relationship is strong.

I might sit with that for a while, to be sure that you guys are good in this new paradigm, before taking any other steps. That way, you can ensure that you and he are truly going to be okay, no matter how this part of each of your selves is or is not a part of your relationship together.

[Triskelion]

Hi @Littlejewel, that is indeed a tough spot to be in.

Communication and emotional connection are the foundation of any dynamic, your partnership with your husband but also within CG/l relationship.

It seems to me that your husband loves and values you, but he seems to view the Daddy role as something he fundamentally doesn’t connect with. I am not sure, but he might see it as “pretending” rather than fulfilling a real need of yours.

Since he isn’t comfortable stepping into the role of a Daddy, but seems to be ok with you seeking an online partner (platonic or even a bit more), there seem to be good possibilities for you. I am convinced that there are Caregivers that wouldn’t mind a platonic relationship with a little (or a bit more). Though I advice to set boundaries and expectations with both your husband and future Caregiver straight.

Keep the conversation open, but also be honest with yourself about what your needs are as well as taking those of your husband in consideration.

I hope you both can come to a good compromise and perhaps also find ways to get him to be more dominant in certain ways. Perhaps it is an idea to let him help set the rules in how far a CG/l relationship with you can go. It might give him a feeling of control and power and who knows what might grow from that.

[-Soul-]

I don’t really have any more input than what has already been said above, just wanted to say it’s brave to speak up and about the matter, Kudos for doing so, I hope you can find a work around for you both 

[beanbean]

  On 3/4/2025 at 3:53 PM, Littlejewel said:

He just recently said he would be okay with a platonic caregiver. Even a not so platonic one as long as that part of the relationship is online and not in real life. But I feel like that’s hard to find.

It also doesn’t address the issue of being the dominant one in our relationship, which is getting harder and harder for me. 

Thank you so much! I really appreciate it. 

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Well I know just on line does happen for sure 

[Littlejewel]

  On 3/4/2025 at 9:56 PM, beanbean said:

Well I know just on line does happen for sure 

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Thank you, Bean. We’ll see what happens in the future. 

[beanbean]

  On 3/5/2025 at 1:48 AM, Littlejewel said:

Thank you, Bean. We’ll see what happens in the future. 

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Always happy to help