I have a weird relationship with God. *TW*

[DaddysMonkey]

…… uh haha. Hello 👋🏻 

Hmm. Where to even start , golly this feels like I’m at an AA meeting or something 😅 Be aware that this topic also ties into some of my childhood trauma so bits of that will be explained here - this is your trigger warning. 

I have felt really strange talking about God or religion in general for years. Obviously it’s one of those topics that is often really touchy for people and something that is considered to be or should be off limits… similar to politics. So it’s not like I have a desire to talk to random people about God or Christianity , my posting here is much more a result of me just needing to put these thoughts somewhere. I am always present for open minded conversation and perspectives. 

From my birth until about age 12 , I was raised as a Christian and spent a lot of time at church. From birth till age 6 , my birth mother and father were present for church. My birth parents divorced and the responsibility of taking my sister and myself fell onto my grandparents. They took us from when I was at 6-12. In those years we had been to several churches , with about 4 of them giving me very prominent memories. My grandma loved to gossip and switch from church to church kind of rotating between a few of them. I believe this led to the beginning of my distaste for church , Christian’s and God. 
 

I’ve always been curious which I am sure is no surprise to anyone. I was one of those typical kids that would ask ‘too many’ questions in church. If God is real then how come so many people die , good people ? How come people starve ? Why would he give up his son ? Where did dinosaurs come from if God is real ? Why do we give money to the pastor if he’s not God ? On and on I would ask questions. About life , about God , the Bible. I would get sent out to the hall and not given any explanation. The adults would talk to my grandparents about me asking too many questions and being a problem , that I needed to learn to be obedient , ect. I always felt shut out and never understood why I should be obedient to something that nobody could explain to me. It felt like God was the great and powerful Oz behind a curtain and it was all just a fake story people told us. My birth father was also very aggressive about his Christianity and one of my most prominent memories of my birth father is about religion. My birth mother , birth father , sister and myself were at the dinner table and my father was saying the prayer. I snuck some food during the prayer and my birth father caught me , stopped speaking mid prayer and smacked me across the face. I never forgot the shame , abuse and belittling over food and being hungry. I memorized all the Bible versus , I wore the lamb and angels costumes for the Easter and Christmas plays and just played my part to not be the outcast and acted like any other kid otherwise. 
 

Fast forward a bit and controversy hit one of the churches we frequented. The pastor was caught using our churches offering money for personal purposes. I was a child so I’m not sure how anything was actually figured out or came to light , but the pastor has bought cars , a nice house , jewelry for himself and his wife. He was shunned and never showed his face again after a big church meeting. He was replaced with a younger more hippie like pastor and my grandma decided to go back to one of the older churches. Mind you , for years and years my grandma would go back and forth between these churches so our family was well known between these 4 congregations. Shortly after going back to one of the old churches … my birth parents divorced. If you’ve read any of my past topics here you might know some of my family history , if not this might be somewhat confusing but try to hang in there…

It’s bad enough to have divorce in the church , it’s ten times worse when your mother leaves your father for her half brother. That is what my mother did. There was a short while when my birth father and mother would go to church therapy while my mom was fucking her brother on the side (Yes I knew exactly what was going on the entire time , I knew way too much way too young). The pastor and church would be very involved in trying to fix the problem until my mother’s breakdown and outburst in a huge marriage therapy session with a pastor about her behavior. Of course the news broke out at all of the churches leading to myself and my sister being treated either like we were made of glass and sand - or we were completely ignored and treated like we were exactly like our mother. After my uncle/step dad moved into our home , my mother stopped going to church completely. My grandparents would take us to church from here on out. If God was real …. Why was he letting this happen to my family ? What was even more confusing to me was the way my mother would justify the inc**t with her brother. Reciting things from the Bible and twisting it to fit her needs , saying how we are all children of God and all related. How we all came from Adam and Eve and we are technically brothers and sisters under all of our collective parents. I’m sure you can imagine what that does to a kids mind that was raised in a church - let alone being shamed for asking any questions. Is this really Gods plan ? don’t need to get into too much about it - but the dynamic in my childhood home was very much led by inc**t and abuse which caused a huge trickle effect of that specifically in my family life growing up.

During the next couple years of bouncing between churches again , I met several teenagers who did typical teenager things. Trying cigarettes , telling stories of getting close to boys , probably closer than God would like , sneaking out of the house. Normal bullshit. When I was around 11 years old we ended up at the church from the above story. The pastor was now a hippie and there was much more young people here. Way more teenagers and kids , people in their 20s. They had recreational nights every Wednesday night and Friday night for the kids while the adults had bible study. There were chaperones which were those 18-20 something year olds watching 10-16 year olds. Without getting into too much detail .. after spending several months going to these recreational nights and just hanging out on my own or with one or two people .. I built what I thought was a friendship with one of the chaperones. He did some very inappropriate and life altering things to me and I hid it for quite some time. My mother found out about what he was doing as she was going through my room one day. She had found inappropriate love letters and drawings from this chaperone. My mother called my grandma and the pastor and organized a meeting. The gentleman I had built this pseudo friendship with was called to the church and met by the pastor and a few other church members , my mother and uncle/step dad , grandma and grandpa. As far as my mother explained - the church blamed me as did the gentleman. He was banned from the church for falling victim to my seduction and I was treated like a pariah. It didn’t take long for me to lose interest in church and a couple months after this incident …. I stopped going to church forever. Since being that 12 year old confused , hurt and angry kid… I’ve been to church twice. Once for my grandfather’s celebration of life and once for a charity event. 
 

The next few years through junior high and high school , I would take multi cultural studies class and experience more childhood trauma. I became angry and rebellious towards whatever “God” was. I learned about any religion I could get my hands on but leaned heavily into the dark arts and satanism as a way to slap God in the face for the life he had given me. I dabbled in witchcraft and spirituality rather than ‘faith’ , I saw Christians as the enemy for a long time. As people who were harmful , blind and silly. I hadn’t encountered Christians like the ones I’ve met in recent years and certainly did not believe in some man in the clouds that was all powerful and knowing. During my early and later teen years however , whenever I lost a friend to drugs , suicide or homicide  … I found myself praying to whatever God there was that I learned about in my childhood. Whenever I needed strength I prayed. I spoke them to myself in my mind or wrote them down , whether it was to the childhood God I knew or just the universe , I prayed. I would never or tell anyone that… but I prayed a lot. In my teenage years I lost myself among losing several of my friends , there were numerous times I could have and should have died but I was spared. Now that I am much older (god 31 is ancient isn’t it LOL) I sometimes wonder why I was spared and whether or not my incessant praying to whatever was out there had something to do with it or if I was just lucky. I still had a lot of those same ‘why’ questions that I did as a child. Why did God let this kind of life fall on me ? Why is my family so broken , why do I have to feel all of this pain and carry it with me ? 
 

Speaking of ‘luck’ … that’s something else that I have been pondering about. There aren’t many people I have told my whole life story to , the ones I have told either the whole story or bits and pieces to are somewhat decided into two groups. I’ve noticed non Christian’s reactions were along the lines of : “Damn , how did you not end up a tweaker ? How did you not kill yourself ? I would’ve offed myself or I wouldn’t be able to be as positive as you. You’re lucky you ended up doing well for yourself.” It always sounds so pessimistic and like I should have ended up so much worse off than I am. The people who I have told my history to that believe in God have a different reaction , much more positive and uplifting : “You’re protected and loved by God. You are a tool of God and protected by angels and you are here to help other people. You are guided and loved by God and that’s why you are so blessed. You chose to do good and you are rewarded with Gods undying love and when you turn that leaf and believe again it will only get better than you already have.” 
 

As I said … I used to see God and Christians as an enemy. I felt as though they both had personally ruined my childhood and that I would never be able to forgive God for all of the things he had lead me through… if he’s even real. In recent years - especially since working at the bank.. I’ve had so many interactions with Christians that have been so positive for me and have really started to heal some of my hurt towards the religion. I’ve met several people through work that have been so loving and nurturing towards me , lending me guidance when I need it and offering love and a peaceful warm hug. There have been moments I feel strong pushes and pressure to go back to God , which of course is their job as a true Christian and I don’t get irritated with them for it. I’ve focused less and less on God and religion and just being a good person , doing good for others and helping others , spreading kindness and love every day especially towards strangers who seem like they need it. The less I focus on God and just being a good person , the more I feel like someone or something is talking to me. I have been very blessed despite the hardships of my life and upbringing.. I still wake up almost every day in disbelief that I work at a bank and that I have a home. I have a car and a real career. I never thought I was going to grow into anything more than the troubled but caring hoodrat that I was. I never thought I was going to have the chance to do anything more than just survive in this world. I’ve been blessed enough to not just survive but help others. I don't know - I’m not proud enough to think it’s all just my hard work …. Something else in the universe had to have helped too right ? 
 

This part is just mindless rambling , but after doing mushrooms a couple times I have also just felt a peace towards religion in general but especially towards God and Christianity. I am not sure what it is about having done mushrooms .. but I feel as though that also healed parts of my relationship with whatever God there is. I felt like I understood so much and so little at the same time and was only worried about feeling love and joy and positivity that I had fleeting moments where I wondered what it would be like to feel like this all the time and hearing a voice answering “living in Gods love is what this feels like.” 
 

Anyways - I guess the whole point of me yapping away about all of this here is just to say ….. I still don’t know what I believe. I’ve felt myself pushing back at the pulling , whatever it is. If it’s a pull towards God or something else I suppose I will never really know. 
 

Parts of me struggle with going back to God and Christianity because of my emotional/mental/sexual trauma with the church … it’s turned into a healing kink of sorts. I don’t like the idea of it being a kink - not that I would judge other people for it of course.. I guess I just feel as though I would be disrespectful and doing a disservice to my religion if I was also or acting in kink involving the religion. I know this is nonsense because I am one of the biggest advocates for delving into things that help you heal your trauma - this is very much just a me struggling issue. 
 

Well…. I guess that’s all I can really put into words for now. There’s so much more I feel like I could say , it just doesn’t feel coherent when I try to put it down into a post. This is just me proclaiming as the title says… I have a weird relationship with God. I’m working on it ? We’re like …. Long distance friends right now. Who knows what this journey will bring. I’m not sure if I even believe necessarily still …. Alright I’m gunna leave this as it is or I could just ramble on for hours and hours. 

 

K bye. 

Edited 14 hours ago by DaddysMonkey

[คℓ𝐞ﾒเᏰααα .ᐟ]

Hello there~

It seems like we have some things in common. And I'm so very sorry you've been through all of that. I completely understand that hurt.

I'm in the process of making a TL;DR response, but at least wanted to acknowledge your post. Probably will take me awhile to type up, as I'm currently restricted to my phone.

I think you'll find Morgue very insightful and wanted to share this video with you for the time being.

 

 

[beanbean]

I believe in God I think the main problem is us as humans are sinners and we judge ourselves based on sin and how we view God the problem is God of course does not sin and unfortunately we all to often judge people on unreasonable standards I believe judging people when we have no reason to judge is something that pushes more people away from God the anything else.  I do believe in God but the people that push god in a loving way are definitely part of the problem.      Love bean

[Baby Girl Miss Amanda]

Thank you for posting this topic! I live in a super religious community where if you don't go to church, you are excluded from social groups and which church matters more for social recognition,  not religious belief. I also have a lot of personal trauma growing up and was recently introduced to the idea of religious abuse. Since I check all the other boxes for abuse, my therapist wanted to be sure my Christian beliefs were truly my own and not forced on me. What we discovered,  simply put was yes. Religious abuse is using faith or belief to control behavior in a harmful way.

 

I recently realized that I can pray to God frequently throughout the day in silent or quiet prayers, I enjoy attending regular church services to sing and praise with fellow believers, and I enjoy hearing Sermons. However,  I struggle to open my Bible and read on my own, pray aloud with others, join Bible Studies, small groups, Sunday School or teach kids any more. When I do those things, I have flashbacks, I remember when I failed and didn't measure up, or I only notice the negative parts of the verses. Tge parts that condemn the sin. I miss the forgiveness and grace parts. When I shared this with my therapist,  she said it's a normal response to trauma, and God understands! He expects me to connect with Him in ways that are meaningful and personal,  not a one size fits all. It really helped me feel OK with my relationship with God. 

3 hours ago, DaddysMonkey said:

 

I’ve always been curious which I am sure is no surprise to anyone. I was one of those typical kids that would ask ‘too many’ questions in church. If God is real then how come so many people die , good people ? How come people starve ? Why would he give up his son ? Where did dinosaurs come from if God is real ? Why do we give money to the pastor if he’s not God ? On and on I would ask questions. About life , about God , the Bible. I would get sent out to the hall and not given any explanation. The adults would talk to my grandparents about me asking too many questions and being a problem , that I needed to learn to be obedient , ect. I always felt shut out and never understood why I should be obedient to something that nobody could explain to me. It felt like God was the great and powerful Oz behind a curtain and it was all just a fake story people told us. My birth father was also very aggressive about his Christianity and one of my most prominent memories of my birth father is about religion. My birth mother , birth father , sister and myself were at the dinner table and my father was saying the prayer. I snuck some food during the prayer and my birth father caught me , stopped speaking mid prayer and smacked me across the face. I never forgot the shame , abuse and belittling over food and being hungry. I memorized all the Bible versus , I wore the lamb and angels costumes for the Easter and Christmas plays and just played my part to not be the outcast and acted like any other kid otherwise. 
 

I really love that you question everything! I too struggled with why do I believe this? As a child. Thankfully I had mentors who took time to answer my questions and not force me to accept any belief. I questioned in college, too, and investigated other religions from around the world. I wanted to know what I believed and to be able to support it. I couldn't trust my emotions,  so I had to trust my intellect. I then went back to Christianity,  but had to pick a denomination and a church home. So once again, I studied each one until I found one that made sense in my brain and my heart. My church now is not just a place, but a group of people, an extended family (in a healthy way). We take care of each other's kids, give rides, provide meals, and spend time together. One of the guys comes over and fixes stuff in my house when it breaks. 

I am sorry for your painful experiences and for adults using their beliefs to justify their hurtful behaviors in your childhood.  I am thankful you are having positive experiences now. 

Thank you for sharing.

[คℓ𝐞ﾒเᏰααα .ᐟ]

A lot of what I'm going to say in this post is riddled with my personal opinions of God, religion, and Christians. It will also contain my religious beliefs, which dwell within the dark abyss of Satanism and the Occult. Oh, and I have a rather unfortunate sense of humor, despite my age. Consider this a trigger warning and enjoy~

First, again, I just wanted to acknowledge your pain. I'm so very sorry that you've been through all of that. Nobody deserves that kind of treatment, and certainly not several times over. It's truly disturbing what humans are capable of, when we desire to stop giving a damn. 

TL;DR 

You mentioned that you were always the kid in church who asked too many questions. The problem child. I wasn't the problem child, I was the quie one. I soaked my surroundings in like a wet sponge. I realized early on that they never really answered any of my questions truthfully, or fully. There were always holes, many of which you described beautifully. Not just regular holes though, but also loopholes that seemed rather obvious to me. 

Who's they? Any church my bio mother dragged me to. I learned from a young age that her various congregations were just as unraveled as she was. But anyways 

I believe that God allows these things to happen, in the same way an ant allows us to step on it. God has no real ability or authority over us. And this lack of power greatly pisses him off. He's a tyrant, a bully, a raging narcissistic bastard, and anything but almighty or benevolent. I used to be angry and upset with him, but over time I've placed that energy elsewhere. 

He can't be all powerful and amazing, as that isn’t his true nature. It would be like expecting a toddler to make adult decisions. Unreasonable and ridiculous, but mildly amusing under certain circumstances. From here on out, I'm going to be referring to the god of the Abrahamic religions as the Demiurge, Yaldabaoth, or Saklas. 

A lot of my spiritual beliefs are a mixture of things. Gnosticism, LaVeyanism, Luciferianism, Left-Hand Path. I still read the Christian Bible, but I use my critical thinking skills and am rather cynical with the Demiurge. I'm constantly seeking out new wisdom, as Yaldabaoth is terrified of something. He doesn't want us to have the knowledge of good and evil. He doesn't want to be seen as a saklas- a fool. And certainly not after all the lovebombing and empty promises he's made. Once we can understand things, a lot of the questions you've asked, have answers. I walk with Lucifer. With them as a mentor for this life, but more importantly, as a friend. I do not worship them. They were also a problem child that asked too many questions and desired... decent livable wages, and a strong DEI program. 

So now that I've explained myself a bit, I'm going to do that ever time-consuming post breakdown, lol. Just to make sure I've noted all the stuff I wanted... 

"My grandma loved to gossip and switch from church to church kind of rotating between a few of them." 

This isn't surprising. With how restrictive Christianity is, they've really got nothing better to do with their time. It's sad.

"If God is real then how come so many people die , good people ?" 

It's not so much that Yaldabaoth isn't real. It's more a matter of inability to stop or prevent death. He isn't really capable of preventing death, anymore than preventative Healthcare is, and can mostly only cause it. 

"How come people starve ?" 

Because of a lack of human self preservation. I know you mean it more in a  'why does God allow x' but it really boils down to people not reacting to worsening environmental conditions, and instead praying to an entity that literally cannot help, thus death happens. 

"Why would he give up his son ? " 

Jesus, my homie!! Love his message! But he isn't Saklas' son. He's actually a son of the true divinity, just like we all are. Bro was just insanely enlightened after traveling and studying Buddhism, but the church at the time totally didn't like it and offed him. 

"Where did dinosaurs come from if God is real ?" 

Oh boy! Now that's a loaded question. Well, when a Mommy Dino and a Daddy Dino love each other very very much.... 

"Why do we give money to the pastor if he’s not God ?" 

Short answer: 

Because Saklas likes to play pretend with his fake monopoly money. 

Long answer: 

Prior to Jesus' death, burnt offerings were given. Obviously, in modern polite society, a lot of us would throw a fit if people were offered up to be burned at the stake. Remember that particular group of women accused of witchcraft?? So our hard-earned blood money takes its place instead. It's a compromise that pastors use in order to continue to look like simple, civil, God-fearing folks. 

"It felt like God was the great and powerful Oz behind a curtain and it was all just a fake story people told us." 

Achievement Unlocked: 
Critical Thinking Skill +1 

"and I was treated like a pariah." 

This is incredibly sad, but just like with gossiping, I'm not surprised. These people really do need to go touch grass. 

"Why did God let this kind of life fall on me ? Why is my family so broken , why do I have to feel all of this pain and carry it with me ? " 

I've learned that focusing on the past like this, only causes spiraling. It's not fair to live life like this. I strongly suggest seeking therapy, if you haven't already. 

In regards to the two groups you mentioned; one being non Christian and the others being Christian. Those kinds of comments are polar opposite and I'm not entirely surprised. 

However, non Christians suggesting suicide as a solution for themselves in those situations, clearly shows a lack of self awareness, and empathy for others. But at least the Christians are saying nice things, even if they're often insincere. 

I'm glad you've found decent Christians through your work. They're certainly a rare breed. I've only come across two Christians I consider to walk and not just talk. Hold them dearly while you can, we're mere mortals. 

"The less I focus on God and just being a good person , the more I feel like someone or something is talking to me. " 

That's your inner divinity waving frantically at you while saying, "Hiiiii! Over here!!!!!!!" No, not some mysterious holy spirit from another entity, but your own higher self. We all have it, but many of us have lost the ability to hear it because of Saklas twisting his narrative around you. 

"I’m not proud enough to think it’s all just my hard work …. Something else in the universe had to have helped too right ? " 

You'd be surprised with what the pride of one man can do. *side-eye* 

"Feeling love and joy and positivity that I had fleeting moments where I wondered what it would be like to feel like this all the time and hearing a voice answering “living in Gods love is what this feels like.” " 

Love and positivity are feelings we can feel without the aid of other entities, human or otherwise. js 

~ 

To wrap my own ramblings up, I strongly suggest therapy, again, only if you don't already get it. I don't want to assume you get it. 

But I also want to suggest keeping an open mind on your spiritual path. You won't know what's beyond the veil, if you never glance through the looking glass. If you'd like to talk more privately, regarding some of my spiritual beliefs, I'm certainly open to the idea. 

I don't believe in everything Morgue says, but I do value his input and sincerity towards the discussion. 

 Ciao ♡ *sips tea*

[SoulEater]

As always Monkey, a powerful read! I’d love to say something about faith and religion but I knew Christianity wasn’t for me when i was asked “who wore the coat of many colours” apparently Elton John was not the correct answer, but could you blame me? The man is fabulous!  
 

I think what I will say is regardless of your religious views, as long as you are better than the person you were yesterday then I’d say you’re doing well in life. After all, a faith in YOU is still faith

 

thank you for sharing as always