age gap Littles in an age gap, did you face huge anxiety about telling your family/friends and if so, how did you overcome it?

[DeadStarsStillBurn]

Content warning in case those are helpful: passing mention of parent with substance abuse disorder, parent with behavioral disorder that is possibly borderline personality disorder, age gap (duh from title), anxiety

I think the title pretty tidily sums it up. For some context, I'm in an age gap relationship. It wasn't something I was seeking out or fetishizing, it just clicked for us. I'm the caregiver side of the slash, partner is the little side.

Partner has a family history where one parent had substance abuse issues during formative years but has now been in recovery for years and is very present in their life. Other parent has a personality disorder of some kind, most likely borderline personality disorder (no hate, I have a partner who has BPD, but it can be a real bear when it's undiagnosed and untreated) that has led to periods of pretty intense emotional abuse from that parent followed by them acting like nothing has happened or even gaslighting my partner about it.

For that reason, I am DEEPLY sympathetic to their situation and understand that their family dynamics are quite complex and require some degree of nuance and patience while they sort it all out. However, they are an adult (or I wouldn't be dating them because ew), they live on their own, they have a professional career, they are otherwise an outstanding partner to me, but we have been together for several years now and yet they still will not introduce me to their friends, introduce me to their family, or tell anyone about me.

I have been slowly ramping up the pressure about this over the last year and a half or so, in extremely gentle baby steps. I've asked if they'd seek out a therapist to discuss it one on one and try to get to the bottom of their anxiety surrounding the idea of opening up to their family about me. I've offered to pay for the cost of their co-pays so it costs them nothing even. They have said yes they'll go to counseling numerous times but then they don't follow through and do it. It's been months and months and months now, coming up on a year almost, since they agreed to counseling but still haven't set up a counseling session, so it begins to feel like they MEAN to do it, but at a subconscious level they are like "NOPE!" and just aren't doing it.

Were we able to see each other, I wouldn't mind so much because whatever, its their family and their prerogative. The problem is, they are so phobic about their family finding out about our relationship that they won't let me come see them more than once in a blue moon because they're worried the other people in their apartment will see me and say something to their family or that they'll have to explain themself and justify the relationship somehow. That is, of course, a pretty irrational fear as that would be a weird thing for random people to do, but I have always tried to validate and respect their boundaries while also gently pointing out that perhaps those are the results of catastrophizing and that perhaps counseling would be good at addressing precisely that kind of anxiety-based thinking and help slow thoughts down a bit, help them build a bit more confidence in their ability to open up about their relationship, and maybe we could move forward together a little better.

Eh, it's the internet so I'm sure nobody is going to believe me that I'm actually acting in good faith, and the longer I go on about it the less credible I'll probably sound, so I will leave it at that and just say hey, you either take me at my word or you don't.

My question is for those of you who are littles or care-recipients in your CG/CR or DD/LG/B/O relationship AND who are also in an age gap. It doesn't matter to me whether you are the older person or the younger person in the age gap. And I would define an age gap as the gap between you and your partner being greater than 5-7 years. In my case, our age gap is 22 years. But the question is:

1. Did you tell your family and friends about your relationship right away, or did you struggle with it for a while to figure out the right way?
2. Did you find you experienced "stuckness" when it came to trying to tell your family and friends if you did eventually tell them?
3. What eventually helped you get out of that rut and into a place of greater preparedness so that you felt ready to tell the important people in your life?
4. Did you pursue counseling as part of it, and if so, did it help?
5. Have you had significant problems after "coming out" about your age gap relationship? Family disown you? Friends stop coming around? People hating on you? If so, how many? How long did that carry on for?
6. Do you REGRET coming out about your age gap relationship or having an age gap relationship in the first place?
7. Did your age gap relationship survive that coming out process?
8. IF you had it to do over again, what would you do differently? What do you wish you could tell yourself back when you were first deciding to open up to people about it?

In exchange for doing me the kindness of answering these questions, I give you my solemn promise that I will not take your feedback to my partner and use it as ammunition to "slam dunk" on them. That is not the kind of person I am. I would instead probably tell them I wrote this post, and then read them some of the feedback I got--both the good and the bad--and ask if any of it resonated and helped them feel more comfortable with the whole situation.

I just sort of don't know what else to do. I very much want to move forward with our relationship and they say they do too, but then they can't even bring themself to be for f-ing real about it with their closest friends, their family, or with anyone really.

I WILL say in their defense that they are extremely busy with their career AND they HAVE told several of their closest friends about me but have not ever allowed me to meet them even though one of the friends told them directly that they wanted to grill me and ask me a bunch of questions like why I thought I deserved to be with them (and I told my partner "I DON'T think I deserve to be with you. It would be a weird thing for me to feel like I was entitled to you, wouldn't it? I am thankful every day that you choose to be with me because I think you're a darling and I just love holding you in my arms and kissing you." which was apparently the correct answer because they kissed me a lot and have been with me for a few years now, and I hope I'm so lucky as to have them stick around many more!).

Thanks for your feedback, I really appreciate it. Double appreciate it if you're compassionate and give me the benefit of the doubt in it. Triple appreciate it if you don't dunk on my partner for their thus-far-inability to follow through as I think they are legitimately experiencing anxiety-paralysis, I'm just trying to find a way to help them fight those demons and feel better, know what I mean?

Edited February 22 by DeadStarsStillBurn
added content warning

[.คℓ𝐞ﾒเᏰααα .ᐟ]

Hi. I was diagnosed with BPD and Bi Polar several years ago and am in a 9 year age gap, so I'm going to answer your questions. I strongly suggest your partner follow through with therapy.

 

1. Once I knew, they knew. 

2. Nope, it was a pretty simple, "Hey, this is a thing!" type of conversation. But I did hesitate to mention while I was searching as I was talking around online. I didn't want to be told what to look for in a partner or to stop using dating sites.

3. There was no real rut for me, but I imagine just a calm conversation with family would be helpful. 

4. No, but I did mention my new partner to my therapist because I was super excited.

5. Nope. But I'm also a pretty confident person irl and don't bother to listen to much negativity. So if somebody did say something, I honestly don't remember.

6. Not one bit. I know that 9 years isn't nearly as long as 22 years, but people will still side eye a 10 year difference. I was a legal adult when we met, so that's all that actually matters.

7. Still going strong nearly 8 years later.

8. I wouldn't change how I introduced my wife to my immediate circle. 

[Daddy_Panda]

Hello, I am in a 7 year age gap relationship going on 3 years now so I will try to leave some input. Firstly, I hope your partner gets the therapy treatment as the age gap issue aside, the family history has probably left some trauma. Secondly, towards the begining of your post you mention your partner "won't introduce or tell anyone about me" and yet towards the end of your post you mention your partner "HAVE told several of their closest friends about me". Lastly, I would like to hope you aren't trying to meet the partner's family/friends solely to seek validation regarding the age gap as this would present other issues.

Taking your post at face value & giving you the benefit of the doubt, I shall proceed with your questions. The age gap made no difference in how I presented my relationship to family/friends & I do not have any regrets doing so. There were no significant problems from family/friends that arrose from doing so, but even if there had been that would have been due to their shortsighted beliefs and would have had no ill effect on the relationship. While a 7 year gap is vastly different than a 22 year gap I'd like to think regardless of the age gap I would handle it the same regardless so long as it is 2 consenting adults.

[WizardofOSS]

I am the older CG side of our Age Gap relationship of 24 years (I was 50, she was 26). We are 2+ years into marriage and still going strong! Despite "Generational", "Racial" and "Sexual" differences, we are overcoming them and growing stronger together.

I will answer for myself first as the older CG, and then second as her, the younger "Middle". We've talked about this at length and I feel very confident I can give her point of view too.  

 

1. Did you tell your family and friends about your relationship right away, or did you struggle with it for a while to figure out the right way?

I kind of with-held the information until I knew it was serious, only telling my Son because of his weekend visits. // She told her friends and parents within a week because I met them the next weekend! She tells her Mom everything! To be honest, she dated older men several times so it wasn't totally unexpected.

2. Did you find you experienced "stuckness" when it came to trying to tell your family and friends if you did eventually tell them?

My Ex was the hardest to tell, and my family was like...Uh-huh? They accepted it but no-one thought it would last. // She had supportive friends and family. It helped that she was the youngest sibling, and her mother was 10 years older than me.

3. What eventually helped you get out of that rut and into a place of greater preparedness so that you felt ready to tell the important people in your life?

I proposed to her after she had moved in and she was heartsick after I was a week away with my Brother on a trip. When I had made that commitment, it became easier to tell my friends and family. The relationship now became serious and acceptable and not just a phase in their minds. // A Wedding drew her friends and family even closer.

4. Did you pursue counseling as part of it, and if so, did it help?

No // No

5. Have you had significant problems after "coming out" about your age gap relationship? Family disown you? Friends stop coming around? People hating on you? If so, how many? How long did that carry on for?

Like I said, my Ex-wife was and is still worried that it won't last and our Son may be affected being in the middle, but I assure her it's not a problem.  Otherwise, no. I've made many new friends because of her and our relationship. People tend to be surprised, but find it interesting that we mesh so well and they accept it after seeing how happy we both make each other. // She didn't have any problems except 'party Friends & Beaus' who stopped coming around now that she was taken. She has new "Friends with benefits" she meets under my informed consent & full communication.

6. Do you REGRET coming out about your age gap relationship or having an age gap relationship in the first place?

Not at all! In fact, It's opened my eyes up to other potential partners as we navigate ethical non-monogamy (Poly) due to sexual incompatibility (I'm ACE, she's Hedonist). // She has no regrets I know of. As she always says, There's only two people who she's vulnerable to and that's her Mom and I. She says, I'm able to keep "the crazy" inside, referring to her mental issues and childhood trauma. She loves my openness and permission to explore her own sexuality. I don't mind because at the end of the day, she comes home to me.  

7. Did your age gap relationship survive that coming out process?

Of course! I "Put a Ring on it" in five months. Why wait? Some people were surprised, but with society's double standard, they are more accepting if the Man is older. // She would agree. In fact, she often says she brags about me to co-workers and new friends too. She has never had to face the 'double standard' of dating an older man, but rather takes joy from having me do the heavy lifting for her, such as peopling, adulting and ensuring we have a home without any cares for her besides caring for that home. She's living her childhood fantasies.

8. IF you had it to do over again, what would you do differently? What do you wish you could tell yourself back when you were first deciding to open up to people about it?

I wish I was open up front. I delayed telling my own parents, brothers and even my ex-wife for fear of their opinions. // She wishes we took more time planning the wedding - that was very stressful for her.

 

I'm not sure if this helps you in your situation, but perhaps an increased level of commitment might make it easier for friends and family to accept in her mind. If she says "No", then you know you are only her skeleton in the closet. The relationship will never move beyond that until she develops her own inner confidence or even rebelliousness, which it sounds like may take a while. At this point, you have to decide if you're happy with the way things are, or let her go.

Good luck to you.

Edited March 11 by WizardofOSS