New Daddy - 24/7 experienced sub/little resisting need advice ASAP please!

[Melancholy Stork]

I met a woman a month ago who identified and woke up the caregiver daddy qualities in me, as well as helping to spark my dominant side.

She does not seem to be full TPE, but is 24/7. She has no safe word, because it's not real to her. I barely know this woman and we are trying to figure this out, I'm new to the whole world of BDSM.

I've learned a lot and very quickly, we've reached a point where she sets up situations that would require that I make her choose between her children and me, or her health and me, which I had actually told her to always make her health and children a priority so she seems to be doing that but excessively. To the point where she was sick all last week and had to cancel our second visit, and then her babysitter supposedly canceled at the last minute and so we had to cancel our weekend plans. 

Anyway, this whole time she keeps asking me if I'm getting mad or if something is going to make me mad. I finally looked it up and I realized that in order for her to feel submissive fully I need to dominate her and that means that she has to feel like she doesn't want to do it and she's being forced. 

She has been increasingly resistant and bratty, not following my directions or doing my *asks, stopping using my name Daddy in certain aspects of conversation seeming like she's going out of the dynamic although for her it's 24/7 so that's confusing. 

So I pushed into the point where I went to the nuclear option and did a daddy time out this morning because she completely failed to do anything I asked her to do yesterday. 

And so I've been pushing, she says she wants to end it and that she's out and that she doesn't want to see me this weekend, but I am pushing further because my understanding is that I need to make her feel like she doesn't want to do it. 

I am not one that wants to be abusive, but I am finding my dominance here and I've done a shit ton for her and she hasn't fulfilled hardly any end of her side of the bargain which is being my little, we also met on an arrangement site and that's part of it too. 

She keeps responding, saying that she doesn't like this and this isn't what she wanted and everything and I keep telling her that it's not her choice because she has sworn to me as her daddy and master. Honestly, there was a lot that I wanted to do as her Dom that was to help her life but at this point I feel like I am owed as well which I think is the correct conversion of my attitude for what she needs in a dominant. 

Sorry for the long ramble, I'm very confused right now, the deeper I push into my role in this dynamic the more resistant she becomes and pushes away and I think I need to keep pushing but I'm so inexperienced in all of this and I barely know her and this is all just been such a huge challenge. I want to keep going, I've invested a lot of my time and energy into her and I want to see that pay off.

Oh one thing to note, when we see each other next she is going to be disciplined for all of her infractions, so I feel like that's a huge part of it too that she's not going to go into that willingly. 

Help any advice or feedback please!

Edited to correct an unfortunate misspelling

Edited February 18 by Melancholy Stork

[Melancholy Stork]

I should add that she is remote, living about 3.5 hours away. We met once at the beginning and she has successfully pushed meeting again, including the two sets of plans being cancelled this last week which I think was intentional.

Manipulation is inherently part of this dynamic and it's harder to understand what is real and what isn't.

When she says this stuff she stops using daddy. She never calls me by my name though which I think would indicate that she really wants out.

[Old_Stinky]

I'm not sure what kind of advice you're looking for. I'm just gonna go through the things that concern me and make me want to suggest ending this relationship immediately.

"I barely know this woman"

"I need to dominate her and that means that she has to feel like she doesn't want to do it and she's being forced. "

"She keeps responding, saying that she doesn't like this and this isn't what she wanted and everything and I keep telling her that it's not her choice because she has sworn to me as her daddy and master."

"at this point I feel like I am owed"

"I'm so inexperienced in all of this and I barely know her"

"when we see each other next she is going to be disciplined for all of her infractions, so I feel like that's a huge part of it too that she's not going to go into that willingly."

"Manipulation is inherently part of this dynamic and it's harder to understand what is real and what isn't."

To highlight every concerning thing I read would require a full reposting. These things don't just look bad out of context. They look just as bad in context. Again, I would strongly advise leaving this relationship immediately and take a some time to do some reflection. 

This can be an extremely difficult relationship dynamic to navigate. It can get anyone confused real quick. No one can really say definitively what a relationship should look like, but the warning signs for a toxic/abusive one are pretty universal.

"I am not one that wants to be abusive, but"

There should not be a "but" after that statement. 

It sounds like there is a serious failure in communication for the two of you and it would be too easy for you to fail in recognizing a legitimate withdrawal of consent. "She has no safe word". You have no experience. It's all bad. This is bad.

I don't want to come off as being harsh or judgmental and we can talk more privately if you would like. I'm not trying to put you on the defensive. I'm just really concerned. I'm here if you need help, but my advice stands. Let her go without making this harder for the both of you. After all,you "barely know this woman.".

Edited February 17 by Old_Stinky

[Old_Stinky]

"stopping using my name Daddy in certain aspects of conversation seeming like she's going out of the dynamic although for her it's 24/7 so that's confusing."

This should be obvious that she's trying to make it clear to you that what she's saying isn't a game or part of the dynamic. 

I'm not sure what resources you've been using, but I'm here for you. You obviously came here because you could feel that something was off. That something is wrong. Reading things on the internet doesn't always make things clear, and sometimes we have to reach out and talk to a real person. 

[Melancholy Stork]

Not putting me on the defensive at all, this is exactly why I came here and I always appreciate straight truth from people. One of the problems is that I'm autistic and that hints aren't great for me, I need direct communication and she knew this from the beginning, which is also now maybe another red flag that I'm saying it out loud lol.

This whole thing has been trial and error, with more and more error. I feel that she manipulated situations so that I'd make her choose between her kids or health and me, and I didn't do that. It was a rule from the start that that comes first (and now I feel she has been exploiting it).

Yes it's a huge pile of red flags now and I can't ignore them any more.

[Princess snuggles]

Firstly I want to recognise how hard and scary it can be to take steps to learn and educate yourself and grow as part of that. So well done for that.

Now if you’ve been looking into kink/BDSM and DDLG you might have come across the acronyms RACK (Risk aware consensual kink) or SSC (safe sane consensual). One of the key things as part of both of these and any form of kink/BDSM is it being consensual. I’m sure you’re already aware of this but as part of that consent can be withdrawn at anytime.

Consequently, safe words even simple ones as ‘no’ or ‘stop’ should be used as this makes it clear for all parties that consent is being withdrawn. Now like you said some people like CNC (consensual non-consent) or forced role play hence why using non-related words are often used as a safe word instead. This can be the traffic light system (I think this is a really great system for safe words but that’s just my perspective), it can also be a completely random word like avocado, I’m sure you get the picture. My point is safe words should be a non-negotiable in all dynamics. Particularly 24/7 or/and TPE dynamics. Dynamics should also be discussed and agreed to prior to starting a dynamic and for a dynamic to be health, it requires open, ongoing discussions and agreements.

Bratting, like any behaviour in a dynamic, should be discussed and agreed upon beforehand. Some brats seek punishment; others don’t. If expectations around behaviour and discipline weren’t clearly defined from the start, it can create confusion and harm.

Going back to CNC and forced role-play, these dynamics require even more communication and trust, with agreed-upon safe words to protect both partners. If she’s saying she wants out, pushing harder isn’t the solution; as previously mentioned consent can be withdrawn at anytime. The risk of confusion like you’ve pointed at here is why, like I’ve previously mentioned safe words are there to protect both parties and make sure everyone is on the same page.

Furthermore, manipulation should never be an assumed part of a dynamic. Dynamics involving elements like CNC or resistance play can use manipulation. However, these dynamics should be agreed to and built on a foundation of trust, communication and clear consent. If someone expressed discomfort or withdraws consent that must be respected. If I were you I’d assume her cancelling plans and expressing uncertainty is her setting boundaries and trying to protect herself. Especially considering she has responsibilities outside the dynamic, I would take those things to mean she’s withdrawn consent and I’d consider trying to have a new open conversation outside of any dynamic.

DDLG and TPE but also any dynamic requires high levels of trust and communication, which take time and careful negotiation - especially when you’re still new to this. If someone indicates they want out or aren’t comfortable, the healthiest and most ethical response is to pause and listen.  Pushing harder when someone is expressing discomfort moves into dangerous territory and violates the core principles of SSC and/or RACK.

it’s also important to remember that Dominance isn’t about pushing someone until they break - it’s about creating a space for both partners to feel safe, respected, seen, heard and valued.

Finally, just like in any relationship no one is owed anything in a relationship. If your needs aren’t being met, discussing this with your partner or partners or choosing to step away, are often the best options.

I just want to reiterate it sounds like a complicated situation. Particularly if this is new for you and you reaching out to ask for advice and help is very impressive. I applaud you for that.

[Old_Stinky]

I'm glad you're not taking harshly. Communication and trust go hand in hand. I can definitely have some sympathy for the autism in this circumstance.

Communication should be clear and established before going into a complex dynamic like this. I'm sorry if this has been hard on you.

Princess Snuggles has laid out some good information. More proof that this is the best ddlg community around.

[Little kaiya]

I have never seen so many red flags and misunderstanding of basic BDSM principles, honestly it's extremely concerning. It sounds like the two of you need to stop, step put of any form of dynamic and have an adult to adult conversation about expectations, boundaries and simply reality. I understand this may sound harsh but I can't even begin to point out the immeasurable number of concerning issues here . . . . 

[DaddyABQ]

22 minutes ago, SaltyChindit said:

That's a really poor LARP. You're clearly an idiot and a fantasist.

I see this as completely unproductive and more than a little inappropriate in this context. This man is asking for help to achieve a positive outcome.

6 hours ago, Melancholy Stork said:

Help any advice or feedback please!

Others have done a fine job of pointing out some of the finer points here, and I think the key theme that keeps coming up in communication and mutual shared understanding. I couldn't glean from your narrative if you and she had really sat down and talked out all the fine points of how you wish to approach this dynamic, but it feels like the two of you are on clearly different pages.

I get the impression that she's tried to take a step back, and that you--in all good faith--may have carried things way too far.

If there is anything to be salvaged here (and I don't know there is), then I think the dynamic has to be put on the back burner until such time as the two of you can re-establish a baseline of trust, then very clearly communicate your understanding and ground rules for how any future dynamic might unfold. While there is one overarching DDLG label that governs a lot of what you describe, the actual way it manifests between two people can and will be as unique as the individuals in a relationship.

It's good to do research, and to learn from every source you can, but remember that the authorities about what works at doesn't are the people in the relationship and no one else.

Best of luck!

Edited February 18 by DaddyABQ

[Melancholy Stork]

Thank you to all for the feedback (except that one person wtf, I am admittedly an idiot but geez).

I wrote her an honest message and it started a conversation. I'm still suspect that she may not be being honest about what she actually wants or needs, or may not know herself. But according to her it's not that extreme and I've been going too hard.

After some more honest discussion, I asked her if she wanted out, and she said yes. So I accepted it and was ready to end it, wrote a long text with a goodbye at the end and was just about to hit send when she responded with what seems like an attempt to talk.

I told her I can't go forward without us having a clear discussion about what she needs and wants from this. It's supposedly more the CG side which I am a natural at anyway and really is mostly just "me", but she deflected the conversation as she has done many times

I brought it back, and said this is a requirement if we are to continue.

I doubt that anything would be enough to overcome the heaps of issues but I'll give talking a try before I send that text.

Thank you again, I really appreciate all of this feedback, support, and honest raw truth because it helps me set or reset my perspectives and see things better or at least differently. Except that one guy

I think I have most of what I need to make the choices I need to make. I'll update later with what ends up happening

[DaddyABQ]

5 minutes ago, Melancholy Stork said:

I think I have most of what I need to make the choices I need to make. I'll update later with what ends up happening

No matter what happens, it seems this was a good learning experience in a lot of ways, and for that you can be thankful. You've learned something new about yourself and had a crash course in how delicately these things should probably be handled. Here's to better times ahead!

[Melancholy Stork]

53 minutes ago, DaddyABQ said:

No matter what happens, it seems this was a good learning experience in a lot of ways, and for that you can be thankful. You've learned something new about yourself and had a crash course in how delicately these things should probably be handled. Here's to better times ahead!

That's exactly how I see it. In my goodbye text which is in reserve, I call out that I wouldn't have known this about myself without meeting her, and for a little bit man was it exhilarating learning all of this and about myself. I was definitely swept up.

Y'all are so kind and supportive here. I should have been engaging this entire time lol. I'm glad I found this in me and this place

Edited February 18 by Melancholy Stork

[Liamo]

Run as far as you can before she sends you the cops. No safe word? In a BDSM relationship. That should be your first red flag. 

[Melancholy Stork]

That was an emotionally charged brain dump this morning and I'm amazed several of you pulled out what you did lol

I know a lot of that looks bad, and I wouldn't have put it out there if I wasn't willing to (and ultimately needing to) be corrected or take the heat or opinions

There is some additional context that I absolutely left out (I was doing speech to text so a literal rant).

Although I'm new to the bdsm world, it's not completely foreign. One of the first things I asked her for was her safe word when conversations started going in the direction of "discipline". I wasn't comfortable with her not having one at first, but we agreed that my limits would be much lower than hers, and I took it as a responsibility to make sure she stayed safe in my care. Mistake, yes I know that now. I also suggested the stoplights and she didn't really respond.

Rules and discipline were part of our first conversations and she *really* wants impact play (which I have been researching a lot to do safely, including aftercare). One way I found of getting her to communicate what she wants is to send memes or blurbs from my research then have her do a thumbs up or down emoji (so she doesn't have to "say"). I sent one talking about punishments that were unpleasant (cold shower, rubber band snaps) and she agreed that was also needed. This was actually one of the few things that have been clear to me.

"at this point I feel like I am owed" means for her to act within the dynamic. It's still shitty, and I don't like that I felt or feel that. We did meet on an arrangement site and we did have an arrangement where money was involved to help her with some bills (may be stupid but I stepped into the CG protector/provider role easily). My condition was that it did not buy me access to her body, and that I did not want her to do something she wasn't wanting or willing to. A big part of my pleasure is giving and it would kill me to think anyone is doing something unwillingly. Just so my position on this is clear, maybe only for the record.

I don't like admitting it but I've had thoughts abouts that money exchange and feeling owed, it's not an awesome feeling. I have not brought this into any conversations or used (or will use) as any leverage. In fact I don't even bring the money up at all.

"Manipulation is inherently part of this dynamic and it's harder to understand what is real and what isn't." What I meant by this is that we did talk at the start that as a submissive she doesn't want to tell me what to do, but that she would open doors and I could walk through. Meaning, playing and teasing to lead me into the mindset. She also was able to put me into different "daddy spaces" bringing out different parts of my paternal nature which I was able to observe happening (kind of neat). In retrospect, yes this has turned out quite poorly.

And, one of the big ones.. "I am not one that wants to be abusive, but". I reread that and I'm not sure exactly what I was actually getting at there. What I have said about this (and to her) is that I could role play certain scenarios such as degrading or something which normally wouldn't be me or something I would enjoy. But if that was her kink I would be willing to consider stepping out of my comfort zone to role play it. I have explicitly said that if she needs to actually feel abused or if it starts to feel real (aka gross and not right) for me then that was my limit.

I was in an abusive relationship to a covert narcissist myself for 22 years, and for the first part I wasn't a pleasant person either but I made a significant change many years ago and never want that feeling again.

 

We've been having some more what I think to be honest conversations tonight. I've been able to explain some things about my challenges with my neurodivergent brain and interpreting (misinterpreting) things or signs. She expressed how she felt when I reacted certain ways that she didn't want. There is definitely a lot of me not understanding (which is something I figured out happens a lot in my world).

I actually sent her the very long text saying goodbye. I was a little snarky but mostly just real and honest. We have been talking a little from there and are right now discussing focusing on getting to know each other better (crazy idea!) and figuring out the dynamic.

I told her that we cannot go forward without this changing and better up front communication. And I will need her to tell me what she wants from me here. I've set these boundaries for myself and I don't see any positive future if I break them because these are essential to any foundation (and should have been).

Also, I will be making us implement at least a stoplight system if not a safe word. I've heard you all very loud and clear on this one lol

A lot of my actions and reactions with her today, including coming to terms with ending it) have been informed from many of your comments here, so I again want to say thank you. I'm honestly not super optimistic and when I made the decision to end things I was able to pull out some emotionally so I'm not so swept up in things. Right now I'm observing both of us and proceeding carefully.