Little looking for advice for her Daddy

[Dessi]

Hi! Just wanted to pop in and ask a question or two if that’s okay…

my daddy is new to this and I was wondering if there are ways or things that get you into “Daddy mode”. I’m more of a middle so I don’t regress and wonder what I can do to help him get into the right headspace too.

 

also, does anyone have a practical list of rules for day to day life? We have kids and he works a lot, so we need to be more subtle with certain things. 
 

any advice would be super amazingly appreciated! ❤️ 

thank you!

[SaltyChindit]

This is a spicy topic... Maintaining a dynamic with kids in the picture is going to be tough (way to affirm traditional gender roles). As a starter for ten two suggestions... 

- If your kids come to you with a non trivial request just say that you'll have to talk it over with their father; you're not absolved of making decisions but it's presented to them as if the big ones are made by the both of you (even if between you and him he gets the final say or a veto).

- If you don't work or have a lesser burden then get the kids involved in getting things ready for a bit of family time in the evening so he can relax with his family (not sure how old they are but they can get involved in age appropriate chores, even if it's 'busy work').

Some might say these are pretty milquetoast suggestions but you'd be surprised at the lack of communication and division of labour in a lot of family groups.

[SoulEater]

Salty has some great advice there it’s always going to be difficult with sprogs involved, some things to try relinquish paying for things to your partner, I’m not saying make him pay for everything, what I mean by it is if you want something make it so you have to ask him, he can also deal with the adult stuff like settling the bill etc, this is great if you have shared accounts if not then you can always transfer the money later or let him look after your purse so you have to ask.

 

if going out on family days out have everyone hold hands, this will help the idea of family but also little you is taking a bigs hand to feel safe.

 

find time for you both! When the little ones go to bed is ideal, maybe watch a movie together, rest on his lap etc.

 

send messages if he can have access to his phone at work and doesn’t mind that sorta thing, this lets him know your thinking of him and he can maybe take the time to remind you to eat etc! Being a mom can be busy and you can forget!.

 

in terms of “Rules” make them every day things

-make bed

-brush teeth

-drink X amount of water

 

Why introduce a chore chart? Add both yourself and the little ones to it and you can all accumulate “Stars” for a day out or something.

 

honestly the best way is to experiment, find what works and fits in with your lifestyle and CGL style, what works for say me may not work for you, most importantly have fun with it life really is too short not to have fun these days!  
 

P.s sorry for rambling I’m just finished work and I’m wired after a fair few monsters

[Dessi]

That’s a lot of great advice! Thank you so much! 

[SaltyChindit]

6 minutes ago, SoulEater said:

Why (not) [sic] introduce a chore chart? Add both yourself and the little ones to it and you can all accumulate “Stars” for a day out or something.

I would add your partner to that. Just so everyone knows they've got obligations. I've chatted to a couple of potential partners who have baulked at the idea of a Dom having rules and guidelines set by their sub. It shouldn't ever be anything unachievable.

[SoulEater]

Oh 100% I was meant to say yourselves*** but I’ve far fingers 😶‍🌫️😂 thanks for correcting!! 

[SaltyChindit]

3 minutes ago, SoulEater said:

Oh 100% I was meant to say yourselves*** but I’ve far [sic] fingers 😶‍🌫️😂 thanks for correcting!! 

Sorry, I'm in a bit of a corrective mood this evening (you did it again).

Edited 9 hours ago by SaltyChindit

[SoulEater]

😬😬 think I need a nap haha thanks Salty 

[Liamo]

Talk to him. Just talk to him. Tell him how you feel. One key though, is to know if he wants to be a Daddy. Is it who he is? Just as a woman can not become a middle for her partner, a man can not just become a Daddy if it is not who he is. Eventually we always revert back to what nature made us. So does he want to be your Daddy? If he wants to be your Daddy, when he comes home, jump at his neck, have him seat in his favorite chair. Give him kisses hug and love. Seat on his lap. If that does not trigger his Daddy instincts, I do not know what will. 

[WizardofOSS]

As a Daddy with a mIddle as a spouse, I have to admit I am guilty of the same thing sometimes. She doesn't regress either and when you're married, especially with kiddos, it's hard to see your spouse as a Little/Middle....you expect them to be a partner, equal to you to ease your own burdens. It's almost impossible to get in Daddy space like that. Home is a castle you go to get away from the World and relax.

Personally, I have to consciously be reminded that my partner has Little needs too, like your Daddy seems to. I understand.

Talk to him and ask to do more 'little/middle' trips or activities. Take the kids if it helps. Go to the Zoo, go to an aquarium or just a park, swing on a swingset. Take a random roadtrip for an hour, get ice cream, see a sunset. My advice, get out of that house! The environment of the house creates complacency and mundane routine which is too easy to slip into. There's always something that needs done. Remove yourself with a fun little activity somewhere else.

Once he starts to see the joy you have doing the little things, he will be more inclined to do them at home. Do them as a family at first, then as a couple as little activities come up the two of you can do alone - Hugs (Lots of them!) and Cuddles!! It's hard, but he'll come around. It'll be a continual process. He has to be reminded, you have little needs too, but you can also be the equal partner he craves too.

Hope that helps!!

Edited 6 hours ago by WizardofOSS

[Liamo]

Very good advice from Wizradofoss.

[redruffle41]

Hey Dessi!

I love that you asked a question about getting into little space around the kiddos and being able to navigate relationship with kids around. I'm not a professional but I think about this stuff a lot so here's my response:

Firstly, every partnered couple with kids (kink ddlg or no) has to navigate their relationship with kids around. This especially means having boundaries with the kids that are age appropriate. They should be able to leave you and dad for at least 15min if they're over the age of 8 and have older siblings around (I'm not a professional that's just my ballpark guess as a mom of one kiddo with no special needs). Separate time for Mom and Dad are good boundaries for any growing family to find together. 

The thing is you have to decide is if you're ddlg all the time or if it's just role play when you're both alone. You can also make a window of time where you guys ddlg during family time.

If you're gonna ddlg around the kids then EVERYBODY has to be involved. You can't ostracize different family members so you can little with dad only (unless you're able to leave the room and go somewhere private for ddlg for a short window of time realizing that you might be needed by the kids at any moment).

 Values check here: good parenting always puts the kids needs first but realizes that taking care of the parents needs is essential to family success. 

So, after that you kind of get to decide how you're gonna navigate this from a little's perspective. If it were me I would do what other littles do. Play. Play with your kids and let yourself be who you are. Check and see if you're carefree. See how you feel around the other little kids (your kids! Lol). They might still go to you for mothering but I've always found that mothering from a "little" space can really look like being the "bigger" kid on the play ground. You can comfort but then take them to the adult in the room for bigger help.  It's actually a really good model for raising emotionally secure and independent kids. 

 

I'm really interested in how you work out this dynamic so keep the details coming (how many kids do u have and their ages etc are personal details but would really shed some light for me to grasp what you're dealing with). If you've got little little kids or old kids there's definitely a way to navigate this so the situation Develops as it can.  There's loads of opportunities for personal and relationship growth. Communication and self reflection. Make small changes and see how it goes. Also, where's your guy on this? What kind of dad does he LIKE to be? He has to really like what happens or else it's just gonna be another chore instead of something that brings him light and fulfillment. 

[Dessi]

@redruffle41That’s all incredibly insightful! I know our relationship will grow and change over time and I’m okay with us just having short windows of deli play time right now. I guess I just want to make the most of the short time alone but it’s hard when we are both exhausted from long days either with the kids or from work. I guess I have a hard time too of slipping into a younger mindset when I feel like there are so many things to do and worry about… I’m sure he feels the same way. 

 

I also really appreciated @WizardofOSSand think more time out either with or without the kids would do wonders… little adventures together and enjoy the small things in life like getting ice cream and watching movies