Does ‘vanilla relationships’ work while having a secret side? (Idk what to title this..)

[LittlePrincess24]

Ive been wondering about this and been curious for a while. Does a ‘vanilla/normal’ relationship work while one of the partners have a secret/kinky side to them? Idk if I’ve worded that right… so I’m gonna use an example.

As a little I obviously like to have my little time or fall into little space.. while that might be me watching cartoons, dressing little, playing, acting like a kid etc. But what happens if I found myself in a ‘normal’ relationship? How does it all work then? Does it work at all if one partner has a secret side to them that they can’t live without or crave? 
*this isn’t just about one partner having a little side, I’m just using a example i know how to explain. It could also include some who has daddy space, master space, pet space, even just having the craving to give some discipline or be dominant/submissive etc* 

Would the relationship work? How does one go about this? And what if telling the other partner isn’t an option? 

[DaddyABQ]

My inclination, based on the way that you describe this, is to equate it to any other aspect of a person within a relationship. That may be reductive, but let's pretend there's a hypothetical relationship in which one person loves to go hiking, and the other does not. That doesn't mean the relationship is doomed, as long as both parties feel fulfilled in the rest of the relationship.

Having a secret aspect to it just means that, in that hypothetical relationship, there's a level of trust that has to be established yet for those things to be revealed, which is probably predicated on trust and comfort within that relationship. There are things that people are private about in trusting relationships, and there are people who feel there should be no secrets. That's just another aspect to work out.

I think that demystifying these things in the context of a relationship, and normalizing them as just aspects of ourselves, is probably important. That's also easier said than done, and it's something I also struggle with. It's easy to intellectualize. It's harder to put into practice.

I hope that at least helped to give you some food for thought or another way to turn these things over in your head.

[Daddy_Panda]

Hi there! My personal opinion, any solid relationship should have partners that trust each other to share these sorts of things so that there is no secret kink - but sometimes trust takes time to be built or maybe a kink is still new or being found out by that individual before they feel fully comfortable sharing with their partner.

I found out after meeting my current partner about being a daddy dom, and it still took some time exploring the community to understand myself better. My partner is vanilla and while we aren't perfect we are each other's best friend. They are fully aware of my kink and sometimes I have trouble turning off "Daddy-mode", but that is just who I am so I do not hide it. My partner appreciates my unconditional love, my consistent routine, and my disciplined nature.

In your theoretical example, the relationship may work or it may not work - only time will tell. However, depending on how well the partner knows you there may be a chance they already have an inclination to your kink just based on your likes, interests, and hobbies.

Best of luck to you, hope you find this helpful!

[beanbean]

Yeah I mean to me if a partner withheld something like this I would not be happy because hiding it means you don’t trust me to react well too it and I would rather my partner and I try to work it out . But I could see where keeping it secret would be what the person might feel is best for them

[SoulEater]

Hello, Hi,

 

so I can see the argument from both sides, as someone whom is in a muggle relationship and has been for a length of time I don’t plan on revealing that I am a mudblood, if you catch my drift. I can see what the likes of Bean is saying, yes it does come across as something that I have “hidden” but I also feel that had I been upfront and brave enough at the start of our relationship that I could have said something then I wouldn’t have to hide it now. If I bring it up now I fear that I would cause more harm than good, I can already feel the anxiety and concern of “where did this come from? You didn’t say anything day 1? Why now? Etc” so it’s best I keep it to me, I have come to terms with the fact that I won’t see hogwarts, or visit diagon alley any more that’s just how it is. 
 

in terms of what you are describing in your situation however, I do feel from any partners perspectives that you would perhaps come across as quirky or even they may sense your little side given you use little space to help deal with everyday anxiety’s etc. I would imagine that you would have that conversation early, maybe it’s just “I like to draw and play toys/watch cartoons to relax” in the same manner that I myself like to play video games to do so,

 

TLDR, every situation is unique, I guess it comes down to how comfortable you really are at the start of the relationship..

[SoulEater]

That’s also just made me realise and think… damn.. anyways

 

all the best for the future 

 

soul 🦇 

[beanbean]

2 hours ago, SoulEater said:

Hello, Hi,

 

so I can see the argument from both sides, as someone whom is in a muggle relationship and has been for a length of time I don’t plan on revealing that I am a mudblood, if you catch my drift. I can see what the likes of Bean is saying, yes it does come across as something that I have “hidden” but I also feel that had I been upfront and brave enough at the start of our relationship that I could have said something then I wouldn’t have to hide it now. If I bring it up now I fear that I would cause more harm than good, I can already feel the anxiety and concern of “where did this come from? You didn’t say anything day 1? Why now? Etc” so it’s best I keep it to me, I have come to terms with the fact that I won’t see hogwarts, or visit diagon alley any more that’s just how it is. 
 

in terms of what you are describing in your situation however, I do feel from any partners perspectives that you would perhaps come across as quirky or even they may sense your little side given you use little space to help deal with everyday anxiety’s etc. I would imagine that you would have that conversation early, maybe it’s just “I like to draw and play toys/watch cartoons to relax” in the same manner that I myself like to play video games to do so,

 

TLDR, every situation is unique, I guess it comes down to how comfortable you really are at the start of the relationship..

Yeah not sure if I worded it right I can definitely see times and places that I might want to keep it quiet or a secret I see that .because I embrace kink it’s easy for me to say that but there are many situations where I can see it being for the best might.. tho also being true to yourself is always important and to ing  utterly miserable is also not good so with everything it’s a balance and you got to do what’s best for you

[Little kaiya]

For me personally agency over our own lives is absolutely critical and especially in a relationship. Personally I would never hide a part of me that is important to who I am. In the same way I don't think it's fair to hide something important from a partner. What if they have a major issue with whatever is hidden? Is it fair that they were made to decide about entering a relationship when perhaps what is being hidden may be a hard limit for them? For me it's an unfair thing to do to someone you love. 

I know people are worried about disclosing but if you hide it hoping that once there's a relationship history that the other person won't leave . . . If I ever was ever put in that situation I'd be livid. I just don't see how a relationship that starts without trust has any chance to succeed.

Lastly, secrets like this often lead to resentment, anger and later separation or divorce. There are VERY few examples of hiding something like this from a partner and having it turn out well. Everyone has to make their own decisions but Personally I would never hide an important part of myself from a partner as I don't think it's fair to me or them.

[Liamo]

In my humble opinion, secrets are never good for any type of relationship. If you read the book 12 rules for life, one of the rule is to always speak the truth, no matter the consequences. 

[NR_Daddy]

I dislike the idea of secrets personally. Having been lied to and cheated on in the past, it just seems like deception and fraudulent to me.

Besides, for me, the whole idea of having someone in my life would be to have the kind of relationship where we would tell each other everything without worrying.

 

IDK ... maybe I'm asking for or expecting too much.

Edited Wednesday at 12:32 AM by NR_Daddy

[Little kaiya]

You're definitely not asking or expecting too much. Full honesty, transparency and openess is exactly the kind of relationship my Wife, Daddy and I have. We just don't believe in secrets or hiding part of who we are as people.