What is wrong with me? (Trigger Warning!)

[pandaprincess29]

Hello everyone. I’m understanding that this is a very kind and welcoming space. Regardless, I can’t help but feel shame for even writing something like this. 
 

Before I continue I wanted to first address what I think most people are going to say in an attempt to make me feel better. 
 

Yes, I know I am young. Nonetheless that doesn’t mean that I WANT to spend the rest of my life dealing with what I am as of now. 
Mentioning my youth will only make me feel as if unlike others I’ve seen, I for some reason, have to wait to be loved. It’s very othering and I don’t like it. 
 

Okay. Now that that’s out of the way. I’ve been through a lot. No that isn’t a challenge. I have a lot of trauma and as a result I’ve been diagnosed with many things. 
 

C-PTSD, Depression, Anxiety, and BPD to be exact. 

Sadly, I’m used to not being happy but lately it’s been debilitating. I’m still on my self-improvement journey when it comes to going through life as someone with severe mental health problems. I think as much as I want to be loved by someone, the process of looking has made me realize not only how hard I am to deal with but how easy it is for me to be taken advantage of due to low self-esteem.
 

Some people have this belief that the LAST thing people who are struggling mentally need is a relationship. I can understand that if the person struggling isn’t actively working on themselves. I am, but regardless I think to say something like that is very wrong, as it implies people can only be loved at their very best and obviously for people with mental health disorders it’s not a linear process. 

Almost every potential romantic partner I’ve encountered has wanted me for sexual pleasure, affection, and to stroke their ego. Nothing more. They know that because of my BPD I get attached and will do anything to please someone I love and someone I want to love me.

I’ve grown severely sick of it because there hasn’t been a moment in my romantic life where someone has had good intentions when it comes to me. I’m starting to feel like giving up on looking but I think that if I do I’ll give up on every form of close relationships in fear that everyone is horrible because in my life that’s what it’s been. Either horrible one-sided interactions or loneliness. I’m fine with being alone but I can’t be lonely. That is a recipe for disaster. 
 

Recently I was told by someone that they want to be in a relationship, just not with me. And that they’re open to being very close friends. I would’ve been okay with this if this person hadn’t taken my virginity and never disclosed this information until MONTHS afterwards. 
 

Personally, I’m struggling with mentally processing this because I don’t sleep with my friends. I’ve never been a “sneaky link” or “FWB” type of person. I purely thought this was part of vetting. 
 

It’s hard for me to cut off this person because I feel like if I do, my first time that I consented to actively would be another showcase of my own naivety. This is hard because every sexual experience I’ve had prior has been non-consensual. I know most people don’t have a “good” first time or even still speak to the person they were active with anymore but that’s not necessarily my issue. I simply cannot shake the feeling that I was manipulated.
 

Upon first meeting, this person told me they would be open to dating if after a couple of in-person dates/hang outs they were interested. I didn’t think that one of those meetings would involve sex but because I wanted them to like me I was down. Out of nowhere they started behaving differently and when I called out their behavior they just flat out said that they cared about me but didn’t like me romantically and the main reason they stated it was a possibly to do so was because they genuinely believed that to be true….maybe I’m just hurt but that sounds ridiculous.
 

I truly believe that if I’d never said anything about them acting differently, we would’ve continued to be sexual as “friends” and that’s the LAST thing I wanted. They also said they see sex and dating as two different things and that’s how I KNOW it’s all lies. Yes there are people who can do no strings but there is genuinely no difference from our situation and dating besides the labeling or lack there of. This person reached out TO ME at the end of the day. 

I promise you this specific situation isn’t my sole reason for feeling unlovable (I’d rather not talk about the others because it’s traumatic) but it is my last straw. My confirmation. I can no longer take being this vulnerable anymore. It’s making me hate myself and everyone else. I just don’t think I can trust myself to determine whether or not a person is trustworthy or genuine. I’m not stupid. I’m just traumatized and I like to hope that people can have grace and treat me normal. I’m obviously just an easy target and I need to stop putting myself in these positions. 
 

That’s all. 

[MasterPhotog]

4 hours ago, pandaprincess29 said:

Hello everyone. I’m understanding that this is a very kind and welcoming space. Regardless, I can’t help but feel shame for even writing something like this. 
 

Before I continue I wanted to first address what I think most people are going to say in an attempt to make me feel better. 
 

Yes, I know I am young. Nonetheless that doesn’t mean that I WANT to spend the rest of my life dealing with what I am as of now. 
Mentioning my youth will only make me feel as if unlike others I’ve seen, I for some reason, have to wait to be loved. It’s very othering and I don’t like it. 
 

Okay. Now that that’s out of the way. I’ve been through a lot. No that isn’t a challenge. I have a lot of trauma and as a result I’ve been diagnosed with many things. 
 

C-PTSD, Depression, Anxiety, and BPD to be exact. 

Sadly, I’m used to not being happy but lately it’s been debilitating. I’m still on my self-improvement journey when it comes to going through life as someone with severe mental health problems. I think as much as I want to be loved by someone, the process of looking has made me realize not only how hard I am to deal with but how easy it is for me to be taken advantage of due to low self-esteem.
 

Some people have this belief that the LAST thing people who are struggling mentally need is a relationship. I can understand that if the person struggling isn’t actively working on themselves. I am, but regardless I think to say something like that is very wrong, as it implies people can only be loved at their very best and obviously for people with mental health disorders it’s not a linear process. 

Almost every potential romantic partner I’ve encountered has wanted me for sexual pleasure, affection, and to stroke their ego. Nothing more. They know that because of my BPD I get attached and will do anything to please someone I love and someone I want to love me.

I’ve grown severely sick of it because there hasn’t been a moment in my romantic life where someone has had good intentions when it comes to me. I’m starting to feel like giving up on looking but I think that if I do I’ll give up on every form of close relationships in fear that everyone is horrible because in my life that’s what it’s been. Either horrible one-sided interactions or loneliness. I’m fine with being alone but I can’t be lonely. That is a recipe for disaster. 
 

Recently I was told by someone that they want to be in a relationship, just not with me. And that they’re open to being very close friends. I would’ve been okay with this if this person hadn’t taken my virginity and never disclosed this information until MONTHS afterwards. 
 

Personally, I’m struggling with mentally processing this because I don’t sleep with my friends. I’ve never been a “sneaky link” or “FWB” type of person. I purely thought this was part of vetting. 
 

It’s hard for me to cut off this person because I feel like if I do, my first time that I consented to actively would be another showcase of my own naivety. This is hard because every sexual experience I’ve had prior has been non-consensual. I know most people don’t have a “good” first time or even still speak to the person they were active with anymore but that’s not necessarily my issue. I simply cannot shake the feeling that I was manipulated.
 

Upon first meeting, this person told me they would be open to dating if after a couple of in-person dates/hang outs they were interested. I didn’t think that one of those meetings would involve sex but because I wanted them to like me I was down. Out of nowhere they started behaving differently and when I called out their behavior they just flat out said that they cared about me but didn’t like me romantically and the main reason they stated it was a possibly to do so was because they genuinely believed that to be true….maybe I’m just hurt but that sounds ridiculous.
 

I truly believe that if I’d never said anything about them acting differently, we would’ve continued to be sexual as “friends” and that’s the LAST thing I wanted. They also said they see sex and dating as two different things and that’s how I KNOW it’s all lies. Yes there are people who can do no strings but there is genuinely no difference from our situation and dating besides the labeling or lack there of. This person reached out TO ME at the end of the day. 

I promise you this specific situation isn’t my sole reason for feeling unlovable (I’d rather not talk about the others because it’s traumatic) but it is my last straw. My confirmation. I can no longer take being this vulnerable anymore. It’s making me hate myself and everyone else. I just don’t think I can trust myself to determine whether or not a person is trustworthy or genuine. I’m not stupid. I’m just traumatized and I like to hope that people can have grace and treat me normal. I’m obviously just an easy target and I need to stop putting myself in these positions. 
 

That’s all. 

@pandaprincess29, Thank you for sharing your feelings so openly and honestly. Your words reflect the depth of your pain, frustration, and self-awareness. I want you to know that your feelings are valid. It takes courage to express what you’ve been through, and I deeply respect you for that.

You’ve faced so much, and despite the challenges, you’re demonstrating resilience by working on yourself and continuing your journey of self-improvement. This path is not easy, but the effort you’re putting in is meaningful and valuable, even if it doesn’t feel that way right now. Healing is not linear, and it’s okay to have moments when everything feels overwhelming.

What you’ve shared about your relationships and how people have treated you is heartbreaking. I’m so sorry you’ve experienced such hurt. You deserve to be loved and valued for who you are, not for what you can give or do for someone else. Feeling manipulated or vulnerable in those situations doesn’t make you naive or weak—it highlights the complexity of seeking connection while carrying past wounds. You are not at fault for wanting love and genuine connection; that’s something we all long for.

The way this person handled your situation—especially withholding their true feelings until later is definitely unfair and hurtful. It’s natural to feel betrayed or manipulated when someone’s actions don’t align with their words, particularly when intimacy is involved. Your instincts about what feels right or wrong in relationships are valid, and it’s okay to trust them. It’s also okay to step back from people who don’t honor your boundaries or your worth.

Your self-awareness is clear, and it’s a strength, even though it might feel like a double-edged sword at times. You, like anyone in a similar situation, are not "unlovable" or "an easy target." Trauma may make us more vulnerable, but it does not define your worth or your ability to create healthier relationships in the future. You’re learning to navigate this, and even when it feels like you’re taking a step backward, it’s all part of the process.

Please be kind and gentle with yourself. You’re not alone in this, and there are people who want to support you in ways that are respectful and compassionate. If it feels overwhelming to process everything on your own, reaching out to a trusted therapist or someone supportive might provide clarity and relief. You don’t have to carry all of this by yourself.

Above all, remember that you are worthy of love and respect exactly as you are—not when you’re "better" or "perfect," but in this very moment. Please continue to take care of yourself and staying strong. 

[Dangerously_Well]

I'm so sorry you're going through this. It sounds like you've experienced a lot of pain and hurt, and it's understandable to feel overwhelmed and unlovable. Please know that you're not alone, and there are people who care about you and want to support you.

It's incredibly brave of you to share your experiences and feelings here. It takes a lot of courage to be vulnerable, especially when you've been hurt in the past.

You're absolutely right that people with mental health challenges deserve love and connection just as much as anyone else. It's not fair or accurate to say that relationships are only for those who are "at their best." Healing is a journey, not a destination, and you deserve support and companionship along the way.

It's also understandable to feel frustrated and hurt by the people you've encountered who haven't treated you with respect and kindness. It's not your fault that you've been taken advantage of. You deserve to be with someone who values you for who you are and cherishes your vulnerability.

The situation with the person who took your virginity sounds particularly painful. It's okay to feel confused and betrayed by their actions. You're right to prioritize your own well-being and set boundaries with people who don't align with your values.

It's important to remember that not everyone is like the people you've encountered in the past. There are kind, compassionate, and genuine people out there who will appreciate your sensitivity and treat you with respect.

Please don't give up on finding love and connection. It might take time, but you deserve to be with someone who sees your worth and cherishes your heart.

Here are a few suggestions that might help:

• Focus on self-love and healing: Continue your self-improvement journey and prioritize your mental health. Therapy, support groups, and self-care practices can be incredibly helpful.
• Set boundaries: Don't be afraid to say no to people and situations that don't feel right. Protect your energy and prioritize your well-being.
• Find supportive communities: Connect with people who understand and accept you for who you are. This forum is a great place to start, and there are many other online and in-person communities where you can find support and friendship. (I have had, friends, and little's in the past that have been through horrible trauma, and have been fortunate enough to assist them in their journey of growth from that, I offer my ear and shoulder if you wish.)
• Don't rush into anything: Take your time getting to know people and building trust. It's okay to be cautious and protect your heart.

Remember, you are worthy of love and belonging. Don't let past experiences define your future. Keep believing in yourself and the possibility of finding genuine connection.

Sending you love and strength. 💖