Having a bad time (TW: loss)

[CodeName: Trouble]

At the moment, I am going through what will be the one of the biggest losses of my life.

One of the people who raised me is passing away right now and I have no family, friends, or much support really. I am 2,500 miles away and can't really get in contact with anyone about this, because I've gone no contact with most of my family years ago because of past abuse and mistreatment. This is the person who helped take care of me, made sure I was fed, and put a roof over my head when I needed it starting from the time I was born. I would not be here without them. I knew they were doing bad so I visited a few weeks ago, I'm so glad I did...but.. it doesn't make the hurt less..

I feel so alone in this world and not even my emotional support dog (who is old and now probably has cancer) is making me feel better right now. I feel so beaten and I'm trying to hide it and be good, but I just want to break crayons and fight the world and I can't calm down. I'm sensitive and frustrated and keep saying and doing the wrong thing and making my boyfriend frustrated too, (though he is still lovely to me) I feel like a horrible girlfriend. It's almost our 4th anniversary and with all the sadness in me right now I feel like a weight that will drag him to the bottom of the sea. I just want to be good again.

idk. I'm not even sure why I'm typing this. I'm just a bleeding heart right now I guess. I don't think anyone can help, and I don't expect anything out of this and not sure I'm even in the headspace for advice, but I'm at my wits end and needed to vent I guess. I'm safe and stuff, Just so so so inconsolably sad. 

I'll probably delete this later, but blah. Sorry if any of this doesn't make sense.

[beanbean]

10 minutes ago, CodeName: Trouble said:

At the moment, I am going through what will be the one of the biggest losses of my life.

One of the people who raised me is passing away right now and I have no family, friends, or much support really. I am 2,500 miles away and can't really get in contact with anyone about this, because I've gone no contact with most of my family years ago because of past abuse and mistreatment. This is the person who helped take care of me, made sure I was fed, and put a roof over my head when I needed it starting from the time I was born. I would not be here without them. I knew they were doing bad so I visited a few weeks ago, I'm so glad I did...but.. it doesn't make the hurt less..

I feel so alone in this world and not even my emotional support dog (who is old and now probably has cancer) is making me feel better right now. I feel so beaten and I'm trying to hide it and be good, but I just want to break crayons and fight the world and I can't calm down. I'm sensitive and frustrated and keep saying and doing the wrong thing and making my boyfriend frustrated too, (though he is still lovely to me) I feel like a horrible girlfriend. It's almost our 4th anniversary and with all the sadness in me right now I feel like a weight that will drag him to the bottom of the sea. I just want to be good again.

idk. I'm not even sure why I'm typing this. I'm just a bleeding heart right now I guess. I don't think anyone can help, and I don't expect anything out of this and not sure I'm even in the headspace for advice, but I'm at my wits end and needed to vent I guess. I'm safe and stuff, Just so so so inconsolably sad. 

I'll probably delete this later, but blah. Sorry if any of this doesn't make sense.

Sometimes the breaking of crayons is not a bad thing let your emotions out in ways you don’t always do helps being far away from a loved one that’s not shape is hard but being close to them can be hard too .I won’t really give you advice just know I am your friend 

[PigtailPrincess]

@CodeName: Trouble I wont offer advice since you arnt sure you want it. What i will say is i am so so sorry, things do get better, and if you ever need someone who might understand or just distract feel free to reach put. I know it sucks to be struggling and feel very alone dping it.

[MasterPhotog]

On 1/6/2025 at 11:46 PM, CodeName: Trouble said:

At the moment, I am going through what will be the one of the biggest losses of my life.

One of the people who raised me is passing away right now and I have no family, friends, or much support really. I am 2,500 miles away and can't really get in contact with anyone about this, because I've gone no contact with most of my family years ago because of past abuse and mistreatment. This is the person who helped take care of me, made sure I was fed, and put a roof over my head when I needed it starting from the time I was born. I would not be here without them. I knew they were doing bad so I visited a few weeks ago, I'm so glad I did...but.. it doesn't make the hurt less..

I feel so alone in this world and not even my emotional support dog (who is old and now probably has cancer) is making me feel better right now. I feel so beaten and I'm trying to hide it and be good, but I just want to break crayons and fight the world and I can't calm down. I'm sensitive and frustrated and keep saying and doing the wrong thing and making my boyfriend frustrated too, (though he is still lovely to me) I feel like a horrible girlfriend. It's almost our 4th anniversary and with all the sadness in me right now I feel like a weight that will drag him to the bottom of the sea. I just want to be good again.

idk. I'm not even sure why I'm typing this. I'm just a bleeding heart right now I guess. I don't think anyone can help, and I don't expect anything out of this and not sure I'm even in the headspace for advice, but I'm at my wits end and needed to vent I guess. I'm safe and stuff, Just so so so inconsolably sad. 

I'll probably delete this later, but blah. Sorry if any of this doesn't make sense.

 

I’m so sorry to hear about what you’re going through, which, as you said, will be one of the biggest losses of your life.

Even though you’re 2,500 miles away and unable to contact anyone about this, sharing your feelings with others, including us, can help lighten the burden.

Regarding your relationship, I’m sure your significant other understands the stress you’re currently facing. Take some time for yourself to reflect and begin taking the necessary steps forward. Remember, the first step is always the hardest but also the most courageous. We’re here to support you whenever you need a helping hand.

Lastly, I hope your emotional support dog, who you mentioned is old and now possibly battling cancer, recovers soon.

Please stay strong—our thoughts and prayers are with you.

[CodeName: Trouble]

The silence in the house is deafening while I wait for the call. I got ahold of the hospital/hospice or whatever last night and they held up the phone for me as I said what will be an insufficient goodbye. I hope she heard me. I am thankful I got the chance still, but it did very little to help the feeling. Now I just sit in agony, the inevitable looming. There is no hope, only crushing sadness. I tried to check my voicemail, to hear the silly messages that she used to leave me, but it was empty. I went through my photos and only have 2 of her... it isn't enough. I am so sad. Every time I calm down the world crashes on me again and I crumple.

I keep thinking the feeling can't get worse, but I'm always wrong.

On 1/7/2025 at 12:01 AM, beanbean said:

......being far away from a loved one.. is hard but being close to them can be hard too .I won’t really give you advice just know I am your friend 

You're right... i'm not sure being there would be better. It might have made things way harder in some ways 😔 thank you for being such a good bean ❤️ 

14 hours ago, PigtailPrincess said:

....things do get better...

Thank you ❤️ We will see 😢

10 hours ago, MasterPhotog said:

I’m so sorry to hear about what you’re going through...

 Regarding your relationship, I’m sure your significant other understands the stress you’re currently facing. Take some time for yourself to reflect and begin taking the necessary steps forward. Remember, the first step is always the hardest but also the most courageous. We’re here to support you whenever you need a helping hand...

... Please stay strong—our thoughts and prayers are with you.

I shouldn't be so worried about the relationship thing, i'm just being extra insecure because other feelings 🥺He has been amazing and mostly understanding even when my mood is all over the place. H e yelled at me for trying to deal with stuff myself ❤️‍🩹I couldn't ask for a better guy.

I'm not sure what steps forward would even look like... but i'm sure he will be with me through it. Neither of us have had the misfortune of going through this inevitable part of life before though so it's all very unknown and scary.

I really appreciate you all, thank you.

[CodeName: Trouble]

I got the call this morning, she passed and is no longer hurting 😔

I spent today in the dirt planting rose bushes, which she had also planted in her yard the day I was born. I'm working on a memorial garden, and got a stain glass cardinal (her favorite) with an LED inside to sit and light up the night among the soon to be flowers. I also hung some extra family pictures and lit some candles. I've been staying busy, in some ways I'm less sad now that it's over, and in some ways it's worse. It really comes in waves, some more like tsunamis. Don't know about the funeral plans yet and my boss won't give me leave without an obituary in hand.. so that kind of sucks.

Thanks for letting me vent guys, I appreciate it.

[HopeMuffin]

@CodeName: Trouble 

*Sending great big bear hug* 

I'm sorry for the heavy weight of darkness and pain you're trudging through.

What you're doing to memorialize her is truly beautiful. Everyone grieves in their own way. Thank you for sharing this with us; I empathize with your situation. 

Fuck your boss* 

*Ik jobs are important. But this person you've lost means more than your meany boss. 

[beanbean]

On 1/10/2025 at 9:47 PM, CodeName: Trouble said:

I got the call this morning, she passed and is no longer hurting 😔

I spent today in the dirt planting rose bushes, which she had also planted in her yard the day I was born. I'm working on a memorial garden, and got a stain glass cardinal (her favorite) with an LED inside to sit and light up the night among the soon to be flowers. I also hung some extra family pictures and lit some candles. I've been staying busy, in some ways I'm less sad now that it's over, and in some ways it's worse. It really comes in waves, some more like tsunamis. Don't know about the funeral plans yet and my boss won't give me leave without an obituary in hand.. so that kind of sucks.

Thanks for letting me vent guys, I appreciate it.

A memorial garden that’s a great idea . Always happy to listen to our friends fer sure !!!

[MasterPhotog]

Sorry for the late reply. I hope the funeral went as well as it could, and that you're feeling a bit better now, knowing that her pain and suffering are finally over.

One of the best ways to honor her memory is by keeping her love and support alive—by focusing on doing what's best for you, and what makes you happy and strong.

Wishing you all the best, always!

[CodeName: Trouble]

Unfortunately we could not hold a funeral. They said the ground is too frozen to dig.. I don't want to think about all that means. I also wasn't given leave to grieve by my boss even with an obituary because there was no funeral, and I was also informed I'm losing my job soon and should essentially be thankful for any hours I get until then. (The business is closing) I'm hoping I'll figure out how to fly north for her birthday in a few months, when family is hosting a small celebration of life/reunion in her honor. That is looking financially bleak however. It was a bad year to decide to go back to school.

I'm still not doing well at all, but I'm still trying. My rose bush and flowers are growing beautifully already and watching them grow gives me a bit of joy. My boyfriend continues to be amazing through this all and I'm very thankful for him.

Allot is on my mind lately and I'm trying to find peace, but the world just feels pretty bleak right now and I'm not catching much of a break on any front. 😔 Might need to plant some more flowers.

[beanbean]

1 hour ago, CodeName: Trouble said:

Unfortunately we could not hold a funeral. They said the ground is too frozen to dig.. I don't want to think about all that means. I also wasn't given leave to grieve by my boss even with an obituary because there was no funeral, and I was also informed I'm losing my job soon and should essentially be thankful for any hours I get until then. (The business is closing) I'm hoping I'll figure out how to fly north for her birthday in a few months, when family is hosting a small celebration of life/reunion in her honor. That is looking financially bleak however. It was a bad year to decide to go back to school.

I'm still not doing well at all, but I'm still trying. My rose bush and flowers are growing beautifully already and watching them grow gives me a bit of joy. My boyfriend continues to be amazing through this all and I'm very thankful for him.

Allot is on my mind lately and I'm trying to find peace, but the world just feels pretty bleak right now and I'm not catching much of a break on any front. 😔 Might need to plant some more flowers.

The world at these times does seem bleak.but it will get better and you will carry piece of your loved ones forever and ever . Hopefully your flower beds is beautiful and you get a better job and hopefully you get to fly out there but even if you don’t I hope you find your peace