I feel so broken (TRiGGER WARNING ⚠️)

[sophieR]

What to say, how to title this....it's everything that just keeps growing. I guess it's no secret how I'm not doing too well, trying to get my head from all the negative thoughts and crawl out of the darkness. My grandma passed today, she was the person who brought me up. I haven't seen her since I was 15 as I became involved with my best friend...lots of drama from Muslim family but I still think of her as the one who would care enough to brush my hair and the one who made sure I had food. 

I just can't breathe from the crushing of my heart. 

Add that to the complete breakdown of my relationship.. I came here trying to find myself as it had broken down to the point that we didn't speak and she made it clear we were getting divorced as soon as we sold the house... Well, turns out that's me making it out when she found me moving on. Kicked me out of the house I half own and basically forced me to be back into a relationship if I want to live here. (Until we sell, id have to still pay mortgage etc so stuck not to be able to have a place with a dog who has anxiety too so she needs her space)

I was told my nan had limited time and I might have needed to fly out and she interjects and speaks over me that I needed to rely on her and she will obviously need to go with me. My family is a mess with drama etc, so not the time and place. Not to mention she had to bring up that I told her I was a little before our "make up" and she laughed today saying that I had a nerve laughing at my mum babying my brother and wanting his gf to look after him as I wanted to be a baby... Sounded condescending and insulting. Like I'm going through enough and you want to really have it in. She likes to remind me she isn't into that, like I'm happy she isn't as I don't think of her like that.. hell I don't feel anything for her past her being a friend after all these years.. but as I respect your choice. Don't insult mine. 

For anyone asking as soon as I sell, going to arrange for payment to be split and literally run for the hills. If she doesn't want her own dog then fine but I'm whatever. Hate being blackmailed to stay... I've realised the trauma masked alot of toxic traits and controlling and abusive behaviours, she is great at being the victim while acting like that's all I try to be when I try and say the way she acts is wrong.. even my mum was surprised when I mentioned it's me who has been doing all the cooking etc, she thought I sat and let my partner cook every night. She is better now but I know it's cos she's trying since the split and trying to keep me here.

Not to mention my mum and the tumultuous relationship with her. Do I believe that she had no clue about the police report and the threats my father made to me... Is it more manipulation? At least my brother is calling her out on being hard on him, she treated me the same starting age 6 but hey for a 37 year old man it's too hard but wasn't for me, no one stood up for me. She's the type that thinks she needs to be cruel to make us strong. I didn't need to be strong, I was a child. 

But I'm choosing to deal with all of my trauma and just accept her as someone who is human. 

My "father" has disappeared back to the Philippines and hope he stays there and gets all the karma for being a horrible and abusive person.. well not before allowing my mum to pay him to be a property manager for years and not bother to do it after about 6 months but continue to keep the cash. 

Im trying to get myself diagnosed as AUDHD and RSD (rejection sensitivity disorder) with OCD and get my life and head sorted but how much can one person deal with before there is no hope left of anything changing. 

[Dangerously_Well]

Oh, sweetheart, my heart absolutely breaks for you. You are carrying so much right now, and it sounds incredibly overwhelming. Losing your grandma, the person who provided you with love and care, is a devastating blow, especially when coupled with the turmoil in your relationship.

Please know that you are not alone in this. This community is here to support you, offer a listening ear, and send you love and strength during this incredibly difficult time.

It's understandable to feel lost and hopeless when facing so much pain and uncertainty. It takes immense courage to confront your trauma and seek help, and you are doing an amazing job. Remember to be kind to yourself and allow yourself to grieve and process everything at your own pace.

It sounds like you're in a very difficult living situation. Please prioritize your safety and well-being. Reach out to friends, family, or support organizations if you need a safe place to stay or someone to talk to.

You are incredibly strong and resilient for facing all of this. Don't give up hope. Things will get better. Focus on taking things one day at a time, and remember that you have a community here that cares about you and wants to support you on your journey.

Sending you the biggest and gentlest hugs, and if you need an ear to vent to, or a shoulder to cry on, please feel free. 💖

[sophieR]

Thank you.. thats all I can say right now. ❤️ 

[MasterPhotog]

2 hours ago, sophieR said:

What to say, how to title this....it's everything that just keeps growing. I guess it's no secret how I'm not doing too well, trying to get my head from all the negative thoughts and crawl out of the darkness. My grandma passed today, she was the person who brought me up. I haven't seen her since I was 15 as I became involved with my best friend...lots of drama from Muslim family but I still think of her as the one who would care enough to brush my hair and the one who made sure I had food. 

I just can't breathe from the crushing of my heart. 

Add that to the complete breakdown of my relationship.. I came here trying to find myself as it had broken down to the point that we didn't speak and she made it clear we were getting divorced as soon as we sold the house... Well, turns out that's me making it out when she found me moving on. Kicked me out of the house I half own and basically forced me to be back into a relationship if I want to live here. (Until we sell, id have to still pay mortgage etc so stuck not to be able to have a place with a dog who has anxiety too so she needs her space)

I was told my nan had limited time and I might have needed to fly out and she interjects and speaks over me that I needed to rely on her and she will obviously need to go with me. My family is a mess with drama etc, so not the time and place. Not to mention she had to bring up that I told her I was a little before our "make up" and she laughed today saying that I had a nerve laughing at my mum babying my brother and wanting his gf to look after him as I wanted to be a baby... Sounded condescending and insulting. Like I'm going through enough and you want to really have it in. She likes to remind me she isn't into that, like I'm happy she isn't as I don't think of her like that.. hell I don't feel anything for her past her being a friend after all these years.. but as I respect your choice. Don't insult mine. 

For anyone asking as soon as I sell, going to arrange for payment to be split and literally run for the hills. If she doesn't want her own dog then fine but I'm whatever. Hate being blackmailed to stay... I've realised the trauma masked alot of toxic traits and controlling and abusive behaviours, she is great at being the victim while acting like that's all I try to be when I try and say the way she acts is wrong.. even my mum was surprised when I mentioned it's me who has been doing all the cooking etc, she thought I sat and let my partner cook every night. She is better now but I know it's cos she's trying since the split and trying to keep me here.

Not to mention my mum and the tumultuous relationship with her. Do I believe that she had no clue about the police report and the threats my father made to me... Is it more manipulation? At least my brother is calling her out on being hard on him, she treated me the same starting age 6 but hey for a 37 year old man it's too hard but wasn't for me, no one stood up for me. She's the type that thinks she needs to be cruel to make us strong. I didn't need to be strong, I was a child. 

But I'm choosing to deal with all of my trauma and just accept her as someone who is human. 

My "father" has disappeared back to the Philippines and hope he stays there and gets all the karma for being a horrible and abusive person.. well not before allowing my mum to pay him to be a property manager for years and not bother to do it after about 6 months but continue to keep the cash. 

Im trying to get myself diagnosed as AUDHD and RSD (rejection sensitivity disorder) with OCD and get my life and head sorted but how much can one person deal with before there is no hope left of anything changing. 

@sophieR
Thank you for reaching out and sharing what you're going through. The challenges you’re facing show how strong you are. Even with everything going on, you keep moving forward, and that’s amazing. Losing your grandmother, who gave you so much love and comfort, must feel very painful. On top of that, dealing with a difficult relationship, family problems, and mental health struggles would be tough for anyone. Please remember how much strength it takes to keep going and to talk about your feelings. That is something to be proud of.  

You’ve already done important things, like noticing unhealthy patterns and getting help to understand yourself better. These are big steps forward, even if they don’t feel like it right now. Change is not easy, but your wish to heal and build a better life for yourself is truly inspiring.  

Please take things one day at a time. Celebrate small wins, even if it’s just getting through the day. Stay close to people who truly support you—friends, family, or even your online friends. You are not alone, and there are people who care about you and want to see you happy.  

Your grandmother’s love is still with you in your heart, and I believe she would be so proud of your courage. Hold on to the love and light she gave you—it will help guide you through the hard times.  

Please know that you are stronger than you think. Keep moving forward, even if it’s just one baby step at a time. And please take care of yourself—eat well, rest, and be kind to yourself. Wishing you all the best! 💛