I'm so tired of trying to heal alone

[kryssi01]

FRIST I WANT TO SAY TRIGGER WARNING

 

So where to start. Christmas should be such a happy time especially as a little but it takes everything in me to fake being happy. 

I feel like my entire life has just been one traumatic event after another. As a child I was all but ignored by my parents and picked on by my siblings and peers. I was the quiet one who said nothing and never fought back. I was SA by a family member for a number of years (of Christmas breaks) and even after I found the courage to tell my family told me to keep my mouth shut about it. This lead to SI AND SH. I didn't want to live. After yeats of isolating myself I trusted a male friend to take me out on my 18th birthday. Big mistake because he r*ped me. I never felt safe enough to tell anyone. 

I jumped at the chance to leave my parents house and quickly married someone I barely knew from AOL. He has cheated, manulipated, emotionally, mentally and financially abused me for 20 years. We have 4 special needs (autistic) children together and I want to leave but I'm stuck. In 2018 I had a bad fall which triggered a rare brain injury I was born with. Chairi malformation. Now I am disabled as well. I hardly get to leave the house, my mobility was affected by the injury and all I have ever been in the brunt of everything that goes wrong and responsible for all the childrens needs alone. I went on a retreat in may of this year for special needs parents. It was supposed to be a break and rest but I was SA and drugged over the 2 days I was there and my husband blames me. 

I miss being able to be a little. I have to hide it in my own home. She gets to come out and play when everyone is at school/work. The husband (hopefully one day Ex husband) is very vanilla and hasn't touched me or talked to me kindly  in years. Which really isn't a bad thing, the touching at least.

But I want to be cuddled, I want someone to take care of me. Check in, notice that I am drowning here. I spent a week in the hospital this year after I started SH again (After the attack) . Don't worry I haven't slipped again in 7 months! I see a therapist and psychiatrist. Meds and talking helps work through some of this but not everything. (My children are all in therapy too. ) I just want to finally feel safe and loved. 

Sorry its long. 

Edited December 20, 2024 by kryssi01
added trigger warning

[MasterPhotog]

6 hours ago, kryssi01 said:

FRIST I WANT TO SAY TRIGGER WARNING

 

So where to start. Christmas should be such a happy time especially as a little but it takes everything in me to fake being happy. 

I feel like my entire life has just been one traumatic event after another. As a child I was all but ignored by my parents and picked on by my siblings and peers. I was the quiet one who said nothing and never fought back. I was SA by a family member for a number of years (of Christmas breaks) and even after I found the courage to tell my family told me to keep my mouth shut about it. This lead to SI AND SH. I didn't want to live. After yeats of isolating myself I trusted a male friend to take me out on my 18th birthday. Big mistake because he r*ped me. I never felt safe enough to tell anyone. 

I jumped at the chance to leave my parents house and quickly married someone I barely knew from AOL. He has cheated, manulipated, emotionally, mentally and financially abused me for 20 years. We have 4 special needs (autistic) children together and I want to leave but I'm stuck. In 2018 I had a bad fall which triggered a rare brain injury I was born with. Chairi malformation. Now I am disabled as well. I hardly get to leave the house, my mobility was affected by the injury and all I have ever been in the brunt of everything that goes wrong and responsible for all the childrens needs alone. I went on a retreat in may of this year for special needs parents. It was supposed to be a break and rest but I was SA and drugged over the 2 days I was there and my husband blames me. 

I miss being able to be a little. I have to hide it in my own home. She gets to come out and play when everyone is at school/work. The husband (hopefully one day Ex husband) is very vanilla and hasn't touched me or talked to me kindly  in years. Which really isn't a bad thing, the touching at least.

But I want to be cuddled, I want someone to take care of me. Check in, notice that I am drowning here. I spent a week in the hospital this year after I started SH again (After the attack) . Don't worry I haven't slipped again in 7 months! I see a therapist and psychiatrist. Meds and talking helps work through some of this but not everything. (My children are all in therapy too. ) I just want to finally feel safe and loved. 

Sorry its long. 

@kryssi01, 
Thank you for being brave enough to share your feelings. It’s heartbreaking to hear about all the trauma that you’ve endured all by yourself, starting in childhood and continuing even after marriage. Despite everything, I hope you recognize how strong and courageous you are.  

Having four children with special needs is also no small challenge, and yet, given your own experiences with a difficult childhood and marriage, I’m sure you’ve done your best to care for them, making them feel loved and safe. That’s a remarkable achievement, and it speaks volumes about your resilience and dedication.  

Please remember, we’re here for you if you ever need someone to talk to or seek advice from.  

You’ve shown great strength to get through everything you’ve faced, and my advice is to take a moment to acknowledge and congratulate yourself for all that you’ve accomplished. At the same time, continue prioritizing your well-being and your children’s care to the best of your ability.  

It’s completely natural to feel down from time to time. When those moments arise, remind yourself of your amazing qualities and how much you’ve managed in life. And if ever you feel overwhelmed, please don’t hesitate to seek professional help or reach out to someone caring and supportive. You don’t have to face it all alone.  

Best wishes! 
 

[beanbean]

7 hours ago, kryssi01 said:

FRIST I WANT TO SAY TRIGGER WARNING

 

So where to start. Christmas should be such a happy time especially as a little but it takes everything in me to fake being happy. 

I feel like my entire life has just been one traumatic event after another. As a child I was all but ignored by my parents and picked on by my siblings and peers. I was the quiet one who said nothing and never fought back. I was SA by a family member for a number of years (of Christmas breaks) and even after I found the courage to tell my family told me to keep my mouth shut about it. This lead to SI AND SH. I didn't want to live. After yeats of isolating myself I trusted a male friend to take me out on my 18th birthday. Big mistake because he r*ped me. I never felt safe enough to tell anyone. 

I jumped at the chance to leave my parents house and quickly married someone I barely knew from AOL. He has cheated, manulipated, emotionally, mentally and financially abused me for 20 years. We have 4 special needs (autistic) children together and I want to leave but I'm stuck. In 2018 I had a bad fall which triggered a rare brain injury I was born with. Chairi malformation. Now I am disabled as well. I hardly get to leave the house, my mobility was affected by the injury and all I have ever been in the brunt of everything that goes wrong and responsible for all the childrens needs alone. I went on a retreat in may of this year for special needs parents. It was supposed to be a break and rest but I was SA and drugged over the 2 days I was there and my husband blames me. 

I miss being able to be a little. I have to hide it in my own home. She gets to come out and play when everyone is at school/work. The husband (hopefully one day Ex husband) is very vanilla and hasn't touched me or talked to me kindly  in years. Which really isn't a bad thing, the touching at least.

But I want to be cuddled, I want someone to take care of me. Check in, notice that I am drowning here. I spent a week in the hospital this year after I started SH again (After the attack) . Don't worry I haven't slipped again in 7 months! I see a therapist and psychiatrist. Meds and talking helps work through some of this but not everything. (My children are all in therapy too. ) I just want to finally feel safe and loved. 

Sorry its long. 

I could see how that would make a holidays a very bad but your very strong and brave to talk about it and you seem to be working hard to stay afloat and hopefully you can keep it up and maybe even find what you’re looking for

[kryssi01]

Thank you @MasterPhotog for your kind reply. I have read it a few times and it helped me get through yesterday and today.

Also thank you to @beanbean for your support as well. 

[MasterPhotog]

4 hours ago, kryssi01 said:

Thank you @MasterPhotog for your kind reply. I have read it a few times and it helped me get through yesterday and today.

Also thank you to @beanbean for your support as well. 

@kryssi01, you're welcome. Remember you're stronger than you think, and all are here to help you continue to be strong! Sending you virtual hugs! 🤗

[HopeMuffin]

I find myself struggling to express the right words, but I want to sincerely apologize for the immense trauma you've had to face alone. You are an incredibly resilient individual, a true fighter in every sense. Your bravery shines through your experiences, and your strength is evident in the way you've navigated such challenges. Please remember that you matter; your existence holds significance in this world. You are needed, cherished, and loved deeply, not only as a remarkable person but as a mother as well. Your presence is invaluable.

I want to take a moment to commend you for taking those vital steps toward prioritizing your health and well-being. It takes immense courage to recognize that you deserve a life filled with safety and happiness, and I am genuinely proud of you for acknowledging that.

If it feels right to you, I encourage you to have an open conversation with your husband about the possibility of counseling or exploring ways to heal your relationship. However, if you've already tried those avenues without success, it may be time to consider leaving him. Before making any decisions, it’s wise to prepare yourself for a smooth transition. Think about who you can trust to help you pack and move, what resources might aid you during this process, and where you could find a safe yet comfortable place to live.

Reach out to counselors, supportive friends, and compassionate relatives who can assist you in this journey. If the idea of making these changes feels overwhelming right now, focus on saving some money discreetly. Consider setting up a separate account or hiding funds in a place where it won’t be discovered. Remember, the paramount goal here is your peace of mind. My mother is facing a challenging situation, but I believe your struggles are on an entirely different level. Take care of yourself. 🫂❣️🫂

 

[Aikko]

Firstly, as @MasterPhotog @beanbean and @HopeMuffin have said, you’re an incredibly brave, strong, courageous and resilient woman. As a fellow domestic abuse, r*pe and SA survivor, I am so incredibly sorry to hear you’ve experienced similar/same. I don’t know your inner thoughts as I am not you, but I know how dark it can get and I want to say I’m so so proud of you for speaking your truth here. This community is an incredible resource to utilize for support and friendship, as well as advice. 
I have been a little for probably around 8 years now, and was with my ex husband for 10. He was also emotionally, physically and financially abusive and I was only ever able to be little by myself, so I can relate to that aspect of your situation. I don’t have children with him, thank God, so I can’t give any solid advice about how to begin separating yourself from him to eventually be in a place to leave, but know I am here if you need a friend to talk to, bounce ideas off of or just generally have a friend. It can feel like the world is closing in on you when you’re in such a state of isolation, so please please please continue to reach out like this. 
I used to feel like I was burdening people asking for help, even for small stuff, but having recently been in a horrible car accident and finding myself temporarily handicapped, I can see now how it’s imperative to our human state to have community. And you taking advantage of that and seeking help for yourself is so incredibly courageous. This quote isn’t quite applicable 100% because you’re not complaining, but I heard this from someone when I apologized for complaining again: “Honey, I’d rather hear you complain to me for hours every day, than have to sit at your funeral because you stayed silent.” So thank you….thank you for being here, for pushing through and trying to maintain when all life has done is smash you in the teeth. I sincerely hope you are able to be in a position one day to leave and be free to be your true self. My DMs are open and I’ll send you a follow if you ever want to talk. Doesn’t even need to be about anything serious if you don’t want, I’m happy to be a friend. 💜💜💜 BIIIIG little Aikko hugs to you. 💜💜💜

[kryssi01]

I want to cry my therapist made me reset my tracker. Because I scratched w/ intent to self-harm. She said that I had to be honest with myself and take accountability for it. I was days away from 7mo. Now I am back to day 5. I am so angry at myself and feel so defeated. 

[Aikko]

4 hours ago, kryssi01 said:

I want to cry my therapist made me reset my tracker. Because I scratched w/ intent to self-harm. She said that I had to be honest with myself and take accountability for it. I was days away from 7mo. Now I am back to day 5. I am so angry at myself and feel so defeated. 

It’s natural to feel defeated when having to reset your tracker, but that app is great too! Share your struggles with the community there too if that will help since it’s specifically for SH. Don’t give up, you can get there and beyond again! Hugs to you.

[kryssi01]

I just feel like I am never going to get out of my situation. It's so hard not to just give up. I'll never kms because my children need me but SH is hard to stop when everything is just so overwhelming. I want to be able to go to little space instead.

I told my therapist about that as well. I was scared to say anything at first but she was pretty open to it as long as it doesn't interfere with my ability to be there for my children. Which it won't. 

[beanbean]

2 hours ago, kryssi01 said:

I just feel like I am never going to get out of my situation. It's so hard not to just give up. I'll never kms because my children need me but SH is hard to stop when everything is just so overwhelming. I want to be able to go to little space instead.

I told my therapist about that as well. I was scared to say anything at first but she was pretty open to it as long as it doesn't interfere with my ability to be there for my children. Which it won't. 

Your children are lucky they have such a great mom that’s got to be a plus right?