Doing The Work (TW Childhood abuse/trauma)

[PigtailPrincess]

Soooo I am finally posting lol. It takes me a while to get the courage.

I recently started Trauma/EMDR therapy (on my 4th session) and this week I am hurting. For backround my mother has Munchowsin By Proxy and I was regularly poisoned and manipulated and pretty much my whole childhood is a living nightmare. I won't get into it and the trigger warning is just in case not because of graphicness. But it gives background into the level of self work I am having to do.

Today's session was... hard and I feel like it wasn't even that deep. The hardest thing... she asked me to close my eyes and imagine looking at the healed down the line Pigtail and... I had a rough time "looking" at her. Like keeping my eyes closed was physically hard. 

I don't know what it means. Honestly I am used to being super informed and observant and I generally always know what stuff means and some of the shit that I am experienceing I am just like... lost. 

I know i am doing the right thing and it will get better but man this is... more painful than I thought and soooo much grey for a black and white person. 

For today I am going to try and just take it easy. Spend time in my nest and do some things to heal. 

Feel free to share your own experiences or posative words. I just know alot of us have trauma and I have decided to not hide my experience.  Please if I can help by answering any questions or if ypu are just curious feel free. I am an open book and as I said I think it's time we normalize this stuff.

Pigtail ❤️

[Dangerously_Well]

Pigtail ❤️,

It sounds like you're incredibly brave for facing your trauma and doing the hard work of healing. It's okay to not be okay, and it's understandable that you're hurting after your session. EMDR can bring up a lot of difficult emotions, and it's important to be kind and patient with yourself throughout this process.

It's also completely normal to feel lost and unsure right now. You're navigating uncharted territory, and it's okay to not have all the answers. Trust that your therapist is guiding you in the right direction, and that even though it's painful now, it will get better.

Your willingness to be open about your experiences is inspiring. By sharing your journey, you're helping to break the stigma around trauma and mental health, and that's incredibly powerful.

Remember to prioritize self-care, especially during this difficult time. Spend time in your nest, engage in activities that bring you comfort, and allow yourself to feel your emotions without judgment.

If you ever need someone to talk to or just want to share your experiences, please don't hesitate to reach out. 

Sending you love, strength, and gentle hugs. You're not alone. 💕

[PigtailPrincess]

2 hours ago, Dangerously_Well said:

Pigtail ❤️,

It sounds like you're incredibly brave for facing your trauma and doing the hard work of healing. It's okay to not be okay, and it's understandable that you're hurting after your session. EMDR can bring up a lot of difficult emotions, and it's important to be kind and patient with yourself throughout this process.

It's also completely normal to feel lost and unsure right now. You're navigating uncharted territory, and it's okay to not have all the answers. Trust that your therapist is guiding you in the right direction, and that even though it's painful now, it will get better.

Your willingness to be open about your experiences is inspiring. By sharing your journey, you're helping to break the stigma around trauma and mental health, and that's incredibly powerful.

Remember to prioritize self-care, especially during this difficult time. Spend time in your nest, engage in activities that bring you comfort, and allow yourself to feel your emotions without judgment.

If you ever need someone to talk to or just want to share your experiences, please don't hesitate to reach out. 

Sending you love, strength, and gentle hugs. You're not alone. 💕

Hello Dangerously.  Thank you so much for taking thd time to respond to this as I know it is alot and quite heavy. 

I am really glad I am doing it but as ypu said I have alot of new emotions c9k8ng uo in unique ways and I guess I am just trying to roll with it and understand as I go.

Took me a while and lots of hard work to find a therapist qualified too.

You are way too kind, I just know alot of us hide or minimize this stuff and I figured maybe sharing could help someone else too. Plus it helps me make true friends.

Lol a dangerous offer as I yammer alot 

*gives giant hug* Thank you again for the positivity 💚

[MasterPhotog]

10 hours ago, PigtailPrincess said:

Soooo I am finally posting lol. It takes me a while to get the courage.

I recently started Trauma/EMDR therapy (on my 4th session) and this week I am hurting. For backround my mother has Munchowsin By Proxy and I was regularly poisoned and manipulated and pretty much my whole childhood is a living nightmare. I won't get into it and the trigger warning is just in case not because of graphicness. But it gives background into the level of self work I am having to do.

Today's session was... hard and I feel like it wasn't even that deep. The hardest thing... she asked me to close my eyes and imagine looking at the healed down the line Pigtail and... I had a rough time "looking" at her. Like keeping my eyes closed was physically hard. 

I don't know what it means. Honestly I am used to being super informed and observant and I generally always know what stuff means and some of the shit that I am experienceing I am just like... lost. 

I know i am doing the right thing and it will get better but man this is... more painful than I thought and soooo much grey for a black and white person. 

For today I am going to try and just take it easy. Spend time in my nest and do some things to heal. 

Feel free to share your own experiences or posative words. I just know alot of us have trauma and I have decided to not hide my experience.  Please if I can help by answering any questions or if ypu are just curious feel free. I am an open book and as I said I think it's time we normalize this stuff.

Pigtail ❤️

Hey @PigtailPrincess❤️, 

Thank you for taking the time and having the courage to share your story. I’m sure it will help more people and in more ways than you can imagine. Thank you so much.

First off, I want to commend you for your courage and commitment to taking steps toward healing. Starting trauma therapy, especially something as deep as EMDR, is no small feat—it’s an act of immense strength and love for yourself.  

What you’re feeling right now—the hurt, confusion, and discomfort—is a sign that you’re facing some of the hardest parts of your story head-on. That takes bravery. It's okay to not have all the answers right now. Healing, especially from something as complex as childhood trauma, often brings us into unfamiliar territory where things feel messy and unclear.  

The fact that you’re struggling to "look" at future you—the healed version of yourself—makes a lot of sense. It might be hard because that version of you feels so distant right now, or maybe a part of you isn’t sure what healing will look like. Both are valid. But please know that with every session, with every hard moment, you are moving closer to her—the healed version of yourself.  

Taking it easy and creating a safe, nurturing space for yourself today is a beautiful way to honour where you’re at. Give yourself permission to rest, cry, journal, share with your supportive friends, or simply breathe. And remember, it’s okay to feel lost—healing isn’t linear, and sometimes it’s about sitting with the uncertainty until things start to feel clearer.  

You are doing incredibly hard work, and it will get better. Your openness about your journey is inspiring—it helps normalise these conversations and shows others that it’s okay to seek help and embrace the messiness of healing.  

Keep going, taking baby steps. You've already proven how strong and resilient you are just by starting this journey. You’ve got this, and we’re all cheering for you. Keep up the good work❤️!

  

[kryssi01]

Thank you for sharing. Once I have a moment to get my thoughts sorted I would like to share too. 4 years of therapy and its still very hard. Sending long distance comfort to you. 

Edited December 20, 2024 by kryssi01

[PigtailPrincess]

UPDATE: So on top of EMDR (we are doing the first real REAL session of it Tuesday) but we are also doing IFS (Internal Family Systems) which I think is am amazing combo and I feel really blessed to have found it in a therapist.

So we did the first intense IFS session last week and we targeted my 13 year old self. She sits and reads or studies, she doesn't acknowledge words of "It gets better! Things are good! We are safe!" Like not a twitch just a sideways look and continues her escape.

Tonight while meal prepping (of all fucking times?!?!?) I all of a sudden had a thpugh and I said to her "It's ok, we can fix you. It's fixable." And she fucking broke.  Just a tear and a look but... it was a different look and fuck it tore me apart. This all is so hard and I keep getting more and more frustrated with the people who had a huge hand in puting me here. 

I am crying and meal prep is half done but I'm ok. Just an update from the land of Pigtail.

[Dangerously_Well]

Very proud of you!

[PigtailPrincess]

7 hours ago, Dangerously_Well said:

Very proud of you!

Thank you friend!!!

[PigtailPrincess]

TW for childhood trauma per usual. Please assume posts here may have a sensative nature.

 

Alright all!! Sorry it has been a little while since I have updated on my therapy/healing. Honestly even when things are going relatively well on this journey it is still alot and it has been hard for me to find energy. Add to that my probable autoimmune diagnosis recently and puting some of this down in words has taken a while. But I wanted to give yall an update.

I am on session 7 I believe with my current trauma specialist therapist. She is my 6th in a row I have tried and she has been the most helpful. I am connecting with her better than any of the others so I am really greatful and hoping the long journey was worth it in the end. Finding the right therapist is sooo important so I urge yall to not give up and do that searching. I have pointers for anyone if they need some help with that. I am actually honestly always willing to give what help I advice I can.

So we have been gently starting to try and make me aware of my mind and body, then reroute some of my "easier" negative self talk. I told her friends are hard for me. That I want them desperately, but I have so many walls and switches as we call them that can keep me from ever opening up. So she asked if I could try and let down an easy one. So I have been trying to interact first and not always feel like I am second choice. I tend to feel there is someone better and that telling someone how i feel is vulnerable and dangerous. I havnt gotten very far there but I am persevering.

Another thing we are doing is bilateral stimulation (touching either side of my shoulders in a hugging motion) when I am having difficult memories of things like my mother poisoning me or when I shower remembering her critiquing my body. I stop and try and identify what negative thing I am telling myself (in this case that I deserved to be poisoned or that my body was ugly) and where I feel the icky in my body. Then I instead I  think of what I WISH I could be telling myself and do the tapping. It is hard. My mind and body are exaughsted and don't wanna do the work but I have been trying. This method of thinking of it as a wish instead of trying to conv9nce my brain it's true works amazing. When I tell myself posatives it triggers my brain to fight it and flood with self hate. This kinda delays some of that.

And believe it or not there is a shift. It's 3% and it's uncomfortable and not at all dependable but something in me is trying. I am trying to be greatful and hopeful but my mind keeps screaming trap lol. It is a journey after all.

My therapist has also cautioned me  about delving too deep too fast. I am 99% sure I have repressed memories and even what I already do have is deep and heavy. I have told her that I never let myself cry for more than 5 minutes because I feel the depth of my grief is so extensive that.... I'm scared of what honoring that properly looks like.

I have mentioned my grannys death but we also have not managed to get into that either. I am hopeful but I did make a step this weekend. My granny and I used to plant dhalias together. I havnt been able to keep any in the 5 years since her death. Daddy and I planted 10 this weekend and I was happy but then felt I couldn't breath with the pain. Ugh. Conflicting emotions are rampant in my brain.

So overall therapy is good. I encourage anyone who is thinking of it to do it, just make sure you are in the right headspace for your particular therapy and understand therapy isn't something you show up to once a week and forget about it. For therapy to work I truly believe you have to do the work like this topic says. This is a long long journey for me. I have therapy in 4 hours and am trying to change my inner voice on how I veiw even that.

If anyone has any questions or comments please feel free. I mean this as a safe space not only for me but anyone following my hermit like mental health journey.

Thanks all.

Pigtail

[beanbean]

Sounds like things may slowly going in the right direction hope it continues to be helpful 

[Dangerously_Well]

So very proud of you and your bravery in sharing!

[Baby Manda]

You are absolutely correct about this being a slow journey. I've been on my therapy journey for over 25 years. I love EMDR, tapping and DBT, but you are right it takes so long to change our thinking. My trauma was different, but still horrible. I keep hoping one day I will find the bottom of this endless pit, and magically be healed,  but my current therapist reminds me the goal is not to complete therapy, the goal is to use therapy to better myself. 

You are doing the hard work of self-improvement.  It is beautiful to read your words. Thank you for sharing. 

[PigtailPrincess]

@Baby Manda I am so sorry you also went thrpugh something horrible but i am proud of you and me for doing the healthy but hard thing and getting help i also really line what you said abput not needing to finish therapy but more usong it as kinda like daily meds, jyst a tool to get better.

Honestly today's session really upset and did me in so I slept after like i had never slept before

[Baby Manda]

5 hours ago, PigtailPrincess said:

@Baby Manda I am so sorry you also went thrpugh something horrible but i am proud of you and me for doing the healthy but hard thing and getting help i also really line what you said abput not needing to finish therapy but more usong it as kinda like daily meds, jyst a tool to get better.

Honestly today's session really upset and did me in so I slept after like i had never slept before

I need to sleep after therapy most of the time. It's ok. Abd sometimes stuff comes up days later, and I think "where did this come from?" But it's just my brain working stuff out.

Big hugs and know that you are not alone in your journey.

[PigtailPrincess]

14 minutes ago, Baby Manda said:

I need to sleep after therapy most of the time. It's ok. Abd sometimes stuff comes up days later, and I think "where did this come from?" But it's just my brain working stuff out.

Big hugs and know that you are not alone in your journey.

Thankies for that reassurance friend! It means alot to hear from others that this is a normal process and I am not alone

[Baby Manda]

It is a lonely process, but you are not alone. Like you said earlier  it takes time. Our brains are amazing and are capable of healing, but it is exhausting work. Rest, and health to you.

[PigtailPrincess]

2 minutes ago, Baby Manda said:

It is a lonely process, but you are not alone. Like you said earlier  it takes time. Our brains are amazing and are capable of healing, but it is exhausting work. Rest, and health to you.

Thank you friend. And please know if you are ever struggling and need someone please know I am there for those in need 💚

[MissAnna]

I'm so sorry you had to go through all of this, I'm so proud of you though for being so brave and coming out and sharing your story with us. 

Your story is one that shows bravery and adversity through all of it. It takes courage to be able to speak up what you went through. 

In times like these is when we need friends, someone to lean on someone to talk to.  we are here for you, we hear you, we see you and we love you.

Your strength shines through everything you've been through, you are so strong so brave and so kind. We are all so lucky to know you and have you here with us. 

Therapy can be hard and scary at times, one step at a time, one day at a time.  I understand about not being able to look down at the little pigtails, it's hard because you still see that inner you that inner child broken and alone. That takes time to be able to look down at yourself inner child to know that you are not broken and you are not alone. 

You're doing great though, you are, and  in time you'll be able to smile at yourself in the mirror, knowing you one the fight. Your past does not define you, it just showed you how strong you truly are. 

Until we meet again remember you matter, you are loved, and you are worthy of being loved 💖

[PigtailPrincess]

Sorry for the late response @MissAnna But thank you and thank you to everyone following my journey