Doing The Work (TW Childhood abuse/trauma)

[PigtailPrincess]

Soooo I am finally posting lol. It takes me a while to get the courage.

I recently started Trauma/EMDR therapy (on my 4th session) and this week I am hurting. For backround my mother has Munchowsin By Proxy and I was regularly poisoned and manipulated and pretty much my whole childhood is a living nightmare. I won't get into it and the trigger warning is just in case not because of graphicness. But it gives background into the level of self work I am having to do.

Today's session was... hard and I feel like it wasn't even that deep. The hardest thing... she asked me to close my eyes and imagine looking at the healed down the line Pigtail and... I had a rough time "looking" at her. Like keeping my eyes closed was physically hard. 

I don't know what it means. Honestly I am used to being super informed and observant and I generally always know what stuff means and some of the shit that I am experienceing I am just like... lost. 

I know i am doing the right thing and it will get better but man this is... more painful than I thought and soooo much grey for a black and white person. 

For today I am going to try and just take it easy. Spend time in my nest and do some things to heal. 

Feel free to share your own experiences or posative words. I just know alot of us have trauma and I have decided to not hide my experience.  Please if I can help by answering any questions or if ypu are just curious feel free. I am an open book and as I said I think it's time we normalize this stuff.

Pigtail ❤️

[Dangerously_Well]

Pigtail ❤️,

It sounds like you're incredibly brave for facing your trauma and doing the hard work of healing. It's okay to not be okay, and it's understandable that you're hurting after your session. EMDR can bring up a lot of difficult emotions, and it's important to be kind and patient with yourself throughout this process.

It's also completely normal to feel lost and unsure right now. You're navigating uncharted territory, and it's okay to not have all the answers. Trust that your therapist is guiding you in the right direction, and that even though it's painful now, it will get better.

Your willingness to be open about your experiences is inspiring. By sharing your journey, you're helping to break the stigma around trauma and mental health, and that's incredibly powerful.

Remember to prioritize self-care, especially during this difficult time. Spend time in your nest, engage in activities that bring you comfort, and allow yourself to feel your emotions without judgment.

If you ever need someone to talk to or just want to share your experiences, please don't hesitate to reach out. 

Sending you love, strength, and gentle hugs. You're not alone. 💕

[PigtailPrincess]

2 hours ago, Dangerously_Well said:

Pigtail ❤️,

It sounds like you're incredibly brave for facing your trauma and doing the hard work of healing. It's okay to not be okay, and it's understandable that you're hurting after your session. EMDR can bring up a lot of difficult emotions, and it's important to be kind and patient with yourself throughout this process.

It's also completely normal to feel lost and unsure right now. You're navigating uncharted territory, and it's okay to not have all the answers. Trust that your therapist is guiding you in the right direction, and that even though it's painful now, it will get better.

Your willingness to be open about your experiences is inspiring. By sharing your journey, you're helping to break the stigma around trauma and mental health, and that's incredibly powerful.

Remember to prioritize self-care, especially during this difficult time. Spend time in your nest, engage in activities that bring you comfort, and allow yourself to feel your emotions without judgment.

If you ever need someone to talk to or just want to share your experiences, please don't hesitate to reach out. 

Sending you love, strength, and gentle hugs. You're not alone. 💕

Hello Dangerously.  Thank you so much for taking thd time to respond to this as I know it is alot and quite heavy. 

I am really glad I am doing it but as ypu said I have alot of new emotions c9k8ng uo in unique ways and I guess I am just trying to roll with it and understand as I go.

Took me a while and lots of hard work to find a therapist qualified too.

You are way too kind, I just know alot of us hide or minimize this stuff and I figured maybe sharing could help someone else too. Plus it helps me make true friends.

Lol a dangerous offer as I yammer alot 

*gives giant hug* Thank you again for the positivity 💚

[MasterPhotog]

10 hours ago, PigtailPrincess said:

Soooo I am finally posting lol. It takes me a while to get the courage.

I recently started Trauma/EMDR therapy (on my 4th session) and this week I am hurting. For backround my mother has Munchowsin By Proxy and I was regularly poisoned and manipulated and pretty much my whole childhood is a living nightmare. I won't get into it and the trigger warning is just in case not because of graphicness. But it gives background into the level of self work I am having to do.

Today's session was... hard and I feel like it wasn't even that deep. The hardest thing... she asked me to close my eyes and imagine looking at the healed down the line Pigtail and... I had a rough time "looking" at her. Like keeping my eyes closed was physically hard. 

I don't know what it means. Honestly I am used to being super informed and observant and I generally always know what stuff means and some of the shit that I am experienceing I am just like... lost. 

I know i am doing the right thing and it will get better but man this is... more painful than I thought and soooo much grey for a black and white person. 

For today I am going to try and just take it easy. Spend time in my nest and do some things to heal. 

Feel free to share your own experiences or posative words. I just know alot of us have trauma and I have decided to not hide my experience.  Please if I can help by answering any questions or if ypu are just curious feel free. I am an open book and as I said I think it's time we normalize this stuff.

Pigtail ❤️

Hey @PigtailPrincess❤️, 

Thank you for taking the time and having the courage to share your story. I’m sure it will help more people and in more ways than you can imagine. Thank you so much.

First off, I want to commend you for your courage and commitment to taking steps toward healing. Starting trauma therapy, especially something as deep as EMDR, is no small feat—it’s an act of immense strength and love for yourself.  

What you’re feeling right now—the hurt, confusion, and discomfort—is a sign that you’re facing some of the hardest parts of your story head-on. That takes bravery. It's okay to not have all the answers right now. Healing, especially from something as complex as childhood trauma, often brings us into unfamiliar territory where things feel messy and unclear.  

The fact that you’re struggling to "look" at future you—the healed version of yourself—makes a lot of sense. It might be hard because that version of you feels so distant right now, or maybe a part of you isn’t sure what healing will look like. Both are valid. But please know that with every session, with every hard moment, you are moving closer to her—the healed version of yourself.  

Taking it easy and creating a safe, nurturing space for yourself today is a beautiful way to honour where you’re at. Give yourself permission to rest, cry, journal, share with your supportive friends, or simply breathe. And remember, it’s okay to feel lost—healing isn’t linear, and sometimes it’s about sitting with the uncertainty until things start to feel clearer.  

You are doing incredibly hard work, and it will get better. Your openness about your journey is inspiring—it helps normalise these conversations and shows others that it’s okay to seek help and embrace the messiness of healing.  

Keep going, taking baby steps. You've already proven how strong and resilient you are just by starting this journey. You’ve got this, and we’re all cheering for you. Keep up the good work❤️!

  

[kryssi01]

Thank you for sharing. Once I have a moment to get my thoughts sorted I would like to share too. 4 years of therapy and its still very hard. Sending long distance comfort to you. 

Edited December 20, 2024 by kryssi01

[PigtailPrincess]

UPDATE: So on top of EMDR (we are doing the first real REAL session of it Tuesday) but we are also doing IFS (Internal Family Systems) which I think is am amazing combo and I feel really blessed to have found it in a therapist.

So we did the first intense IFS session last week and we targeted my 13 year old self. She sits and reads or studies, she doesn't acknowledge words of "It gets better! Things are good! We are safe!" Like not a twitch just a sideways look and continues her escape.

Tonight while meal prepping (of all fucking times?!?!?) I all of a sudden had a thpugh and I said to her "It's ok, we can fix you. It's fixable." And she fucking broke.  Just a tear and a look but... it was a different look and fuck it tore me apart. This all is so hard and I keep getting more and more frustrated with the people who had a huge hand in puting me here. 

I am crying and meal prep is half done but I'm ok. Just an update from the land of Pigtail.

[Dangerously_Well]

Very proud of you!

[PigtailPrincess]

7 hours ago, Dangerously_Well said:

Very proud of you!

Thank you friend!!!