Love: What, How, and Why? A deep dive articulating love so you can too

[Jmeurry]

When I say "love", what do you think of? On this site, it probably suggests desire, care, and value placed upon a person based on one's merit of that person. I've been trying to understand love better, for I have faced great conflicts like many others in the world... Perhaps everyone in the world- and not just "our" world as in those who use this site and subscribe to a tribe of ddlg. Love is incredibly difficult to define and in each of my relationships it has cursed and vexed me by being so challenging to describe what is pressing under my chest and drowning my mind. At times, it is radiant and warm, and at others it is heavy and hurts. The pain of love can feel like someone spat in your face and an anger boils within; when rejected, when hurt. The sorrow of love can feel like you've been immersed in an inky blackness and whether by your own accord or that of another, you're cast down by the shadow or else losing grasp of what you hold dear. 

The times when I've needed to express my love, define its "tier" or "depth", or justify its existence and merit, I have been vexed by my feeble mind and its inability to speak all that my heart is aching to release. To realize the depth of love that I feel, I have been able to describe it through this progression: 

- We are acquainted, and I selfishly desire you - a glimmer of light across a vast and empty ocean. You draw me in like a beacon through the darkness of solitude.
- Your qualities merit my devotion, as you reveal glimpses of your truest self - like dawn's first light promising a beautiful day. Each revelation of your heart beckons me deeper into your world. 
- Our minds dance in perfect synchronicity, our bodies speak in harmonious rhythm. We share more than breath between two lungs - we share life itself, flowing between us like music. [1]
- We are bound by something greater than our physical forms. Across time and space, through every incarnation, our souls recognize each other. This connection transcends common choice - it simply is, as natural as gravity, as inevitable as dawn. [2]
- Our cores have touched, creating something greater than our individual selves. We are a unified whole, stronger together than apart. What we've built is unshakeable - a fortress of mutual devotion that neither time nor circumstance can breach. [3]

So whether you have only just barely known one another, have teased what lies truly within, made love so great it hardly feels true, believe you are soul mates, or have finally proven to one another that you were meant to be, the depths of love are tiered if only by a grey veil. For my part, these levels have helped me position myself and though they do not help when we have been apart due to difficult times, they tell me where I have been and where I wish to be if we are to reconnect. 

Determining where you are is all well and fine, but how do you convey to someone why you love them? Sometimes, it's difficult for me to determine what they are even asking and the oweness feels unfairly upon myself to examine the meaning of their question. And yet, you must, for love is defined by many things and of those morality speaks clearest here. But that doesn't mean you are helpless, it doesn't prevent you from communicating directly or indirectly that you need them to clarify their request, for they too gain by articulating what it is they are asking. Both parties deserve to know the question and the answer, but sometimes no individual can ask or answer alone. [4]

At times, your partner may ask you why you love them, sometimes directly, or sometimes indirectly by way of an anniversary card or another form of dedication to them. You both deserve to know, and to flounder at such a crucial moment may cause offense and be very hurtful. But to answer untruly or inadequately is just as likely to injur them. The justification of love is derived from many things, and those "things" are often what motivate us to be who we are to them or why we do what we have done for them. But who we are and what we do are not justifications in or of themselves. To break this down, we need to see what love is, and this is where philosophers have done a very good but lengthy and technical job. So to save us all the trouble, I will summarize it here as best I can in one short paragraph:

Love is a deeply personal commitment where two people choose each other repeatedly over time, characterized by a unique combination of emotional intimacy, sustained care for each other's wellbeing, and a willingness to grow together. The moral foundation of love rests in its capacity to elevate both partners toward their best selves. When we love someone, we commit to supporting their growth and wellbeing while maintaining ethical boundaries that respect their autonomy. This moral dimension manifests in the daily choices we make to be honest, faithful, and considerate of our partner's needs. This definition offers us the ability to create a foundation for justifying our love, which I'll do my best to outline next. 

Our partner's inherent value extends beyond their qualities or achievements. We love them for their essential dignity as a person, their unique perspective on life, and their capacity for growth and change. This intrinsic value creates a foundation for love that persists even through life's inevitable changes and challenges. [5]

The specific merits of our partner - their kindness, intelligence, humor, or resilience - provide concrete reasons for our continued appreciation. These characteristics initially attract us but evolve into deeper appreciation as we witness how these qualities enrich our shared life. Their merits aren't just static traits but dynamic expressions of who they are and who they strive to become. [6]

The emotional connection, perhaps the most profound aspect of love's justification, develops through shared experiences, vulnerabilities, and moments of joy and challenge. This bond creates a unique emotional landscape that belongs only to the couple - inside jokes, unspoken understandings, and a sense of home in each other's presence. The emotional resonance grows deeper with time, making each partner increasingly irreplaceable to the other. [7]

What truly justifies our love is not any single element but rather the intricate weaving of all these aspects - moral commitment, recognition of value, appreciation of merit, and emotional connection - into a unique tapestry that becomes stronger and more beautiful with time. We love our partners not just for who they are today, but for the entire journey we've shared and the future we envision together. This comprehensive understanding of love's justification acknowledges both its rational foundations and its mysterious, ineffable qualities that make each love story unique...

And those are the foundational justifications, definitions, and depths of love. Each paragraph was written from lessons I've learned and experiences I've had through many rewarding and sometimes very challenging relationships. Yet no relationship leaves me with a lack of need for expressing my love, and so for everyone's sake, I hope this writing truly helps. 

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**Notes:**
- 1 - Between Two Lungs by Florence + The Machine was the inspiration for how this tier/depth was described: "*Between two lungs it was released; the breath that passed from you to me.*"
- 2 - Cloud Atlas was the inspiration for this tier/depth of love, please go watch it if you haven't. 
- 3 - "Up" 2009 was the inspiration for this tier/depth of love, please go watch it if you haven't. 
- 4 - Communication, communication, communication. If you feel like I should expand what I am saying here or create another post, I would gladly go into more detail on what is meant and how it can be accomplished to clarify a request of any kind when it is related to justifying love. I spent a lot of time shortening and refining this work to save everyone else time, but I know I cut out a lot of value, too. 
- 5 All humans add value, whether they try or not. A lazy coworker may never assist you, but by demonstrating that example you are given their perception, their impact in life, and your sense of them. Maybe you never wish to be them or now know what to avoid in a potential friend or partner. The intrinsic value of a partner is not always apparent until you see the opposite of that value or absence of it. It's important to appreciate those positive values, help them grow, and find new ones. 
- 6 - Realizing this paragraph in my head was one of the inspirations for this writing. Justifying love can be so difficult for the inept, the unpoetic, and the analytical (so basically me). When you live in the world of the tangible, the intangible feels so distant, blurry, and without form. Writing this took a lot more effort than I had imagined and it almost resulted in me trying to summarize five draft paragraphs in ChatGPT. 
- 7 - This is perhaps the most touching personal piece, and I hope it feels the same for others. Expansive trips with your partner, decorating the home, supporting one another through devastating loss or challenges, these add such context and connection between two people that home alone for extended periods can feel like you're in a stranger's house. Up 2009 really hits the feels on the noggin' here with Carl after Ellie passes away.  

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This writing was originally published on Fetlife, but I decided to publish it here because of how meaningful it is. You can find the original post here: https://fetlife.com/users/9398069/posts/11646158