Realistically, Can a Little and a Caregiver be friends with eachother?

[kuuchan]

To elaborate the question a bit: Can Little and Daddies/Mommies be just friends with eachother, or is there an unspoken expectation of the relationship becoming "serious" eventually?

Now i know this the question sounds a bit... presumptuous? Maybe a bit silly even? (kinda like asking can girls have guy friends, cus duh, ofcourse they can) I'm absolutely not trying to come across as rude, judgemental or to accuse anyone of anything! This is a sincere question from a newbie in the community. 

Also, this is NOT to call anyone out!! My experience here so far, has been nothing but positive! I've met nice people, and my boundaries so far have been respected! This is more for future reference and to avoid any possible confusion along the way.

... so with all of those clarifications out of the way! 😅 
What i want to know is, is there any unspoken rules about friendships between littles and daddies. Has anyone been in a situation where they felt like they were being pressured into being "more than friends"? Or just any advice on how to tell when someone is "obviously" flirting and or they might have ulterior motives? AND what can i do to not accidentally "lead someone on" (i tend to be such a people-pleaser...) 

I know that i am naive, and i have trouble navigating social cues. Cus at the end of the day, i just wanna keep myself safe. i don't wanna be hurt and i don't want to cause anyone else hurt!! i know that relationships of pretty much any kind are a two-way street. But i am firm on my stance as an aro/ace person, and i don't need "fixing" or that "you just haven't found the right one yet" (which i know is true to some extent, but you wouldn't say those things to anyone else in the lgbt spec right?)
I hope this made any sense, sorry!! This was just one of these things i didn't know to consider before joining this community. So any advice/experiences are appreciated!

Man this all sounded so good in my head earlier, why does everything i type/say come out as full on word salad jhjfdgd 😂

Edited November 22, 2024 by kuuchan
reframed the title a bit

[OuO Alexibaaa]

There really aren't any "unspoken" rules in the DDLG dating scene- and there can't be, as we're a power exchange dynamic that's part of the much broader BDSM umbrella.

Because of this, we heavily rely on communication way more than the average vanilla relationship, though to be fair, they should technically communicate with potential partners as well.

If anybody is pressuring you into being more than just friends and attempting to break any boundaries, especially if you don't have a personal search listed, then they're the problem. They're a red flag and should be reported to staff for their creepy predatory actions.

And also, your question isn't dumb! It's a valid concern for even those in vanilla relationships! But like I said, if it feels like anybody's pressuring you and won't seem to stop once you've clarified that you're not looking- report them for harassment.

@shadowrider is great at handling the creeps and drama here. 

[shadowrider]

 Bigs and littles can definitely just be friends.

 You can even have what most refer to as a babysitter. Someone that lets you slip into little space and they watch over you with no romantic connections, these can be hard to find. Though over extended periods of time bonds and feelings can form so you have to be aware of that risk when starting any relationship.

 There are no unspoken rules or codes. We do have clearly spoken rules, mainly respect the other person's wants and wishes. Anyone demanding or trying to play mind games to get what they want is here for the wrong reasons and, well, they suck as a human. I said what I said.

[kuuchan]

19 minutes ago, OuO Alexibaaa said:

If anybody is pressuring you into being more than just friends and attempting to break any boundaries, especially if you don't have a personal search listed, then they're the problem. They're a red flag and should be reported to staff for their creepy predatory actions.

And also, your question isn't dumb! It's a valid concern for even those in vanilla relationships! But like I said, if it feels like anybody's pressuring you and won't seem to stop once you've clarified that you're not looking- report them for harassment.

Thank you so much, Your answers are so always straightforward and reasonable!! And not to worry, i haven't experienced harassment here! i did get a few PMs about "daddies looking for littles" (despite my profile stating i'm only looking for friends), but once i let them know i wasn't interested, they politely understood! But yeah, it's just that i've had negative experiences with my naivete being taken advantage of and i'm too nice for my own good sometimes... and i just kinda wondered if this was something that was ok in the community in general fjhddf

waa thank you, it felt kinda dumb after i wrote it all out, cus i'd been thinking about it all day during work and yeah ; ; 

[OuO Alexibaaa]

2 minutes ago, shadowrider said:

 Anyone demanding or trying to play mind games to get what they want is here for the wrong reasons and, well, they suck as a human. I said what I said.

I forgot to mention that Bro has a bit of a sense of humor, my bad.

...I laughed way harder at this, than maybe I should have.

But, humorous shenanigans aside, I actually wholeheartedly agree with this sentiment.

 

[kuuchan]

13 minutes ago, shadowrider said:

Bigs and littles can definitely just be friends.

 You can even have what most refer to as a babysitter. Someone that lets you slip into little space and they watch over you with no romantic connections, these can be hard to find. Though over extended periods of time bonds and feelings can form so you have to be aware of that risk when starting any relationship.

A babysitter! thats a cute idea xD But no that's exactly what i was kind of thinking about! that what if over time, me being little around a big could make them catch feelings unintentionally!  or get them too attached? or cause misunderstandings! Like i know that can happen in any relationship, but that's why i wondered if it's normal for littles and bigs to have that kind of friendship, and am i unintentionally giving "mixed signals". 

But thank you for you response! I will be careful!

Edited November 21, 2024 by kuuchan

[kuuchan]

2 minutes ago, kuuchan said:

But no that's exactly what i was kind of thinking about! that what if over time, me being little around a big could make them catch feelings unintentionally!  or get them too attached? or cause misunderstandings!

this is honestly quite absurd of me to even consider in a way, cus i honestly can't imagine anyone ever catching feelings for me like... so even typing this out is  a bit embarrassing, but for real the misunderstandings bit is also super tough one for me, cus it's something we autistic folk have to deal with a lot so i just want to make sure that i know what to look out for you know? and to not be the one to also cause any harm to anyone else!

[OuO Alexibaaa]

@kuuchan Of course! You're very welcomed! 😊

As a more experienced individual within DDLG, I feel like it's practically my duty to answer these kinds of questions, to the best of my ability.

Of course, I don't know everything. But I aim to be fair at sharing what knowledge I do have, as it helps keep other littles safe.

[beanbean]

For sure like everyone else says. I think it's smart actually to have at least one how we get better is learning and what way to learn better the from the opposite side

[NR_Daddy]

I think some other folk have answered quite well, and one thing I would like to add is that there is no such thing as a dumb question. Communication is key to everything in life and that should never be understated.

One of your replies states that you have concerns about a potential platonic caregiver developing feelings for you in the long run. What I would say to that is that while you state you only want platonic friendships, there is also a fair chance that over time and with a person who makes you feel safe and cared for, you could also develop feelings for them instead or as well. Sometimes as humans we're not as in control of our feelings as we would like to think we are.

[kuuchan]

1 hour ago, NR_Daddy said:

I think some other folk have answered quite well, and one thing I would like to add is that there is no such thing as a dumb question. Communication is key to everything in life and that should never be understated.

One of your replies states that you have concerns about a potential platonic caregiver developing feelings for you in the long run. What I would say to that is that while you state you only want platonic friendships, there is also a fair chance that over time and with a person who makes you feel safe and cared for, you could also develop feelings for them instead or as well. Sometimes as humans we're not as in control of our feelings as we would like to think we are.

Thank you for responding!

Now, I might be a bit blunt and defensive with this... but as i stated above:

7 hours ago, kuuchan said:

But i am firm on my stance as an aro/ace person, and i don't need "fixing" or that "you just haven't found the right one yet" (which i know is true to some extent, but you wouldn't say those things to anyone else in the lgbt spec right?)

I totally get that people can change, i really really do! I've been told this multiple times by people. Even my mother kept pushing the "when are you getting a boyfriend" question on me countless times. It's like, i understand that is a possibility. I just... don't want there to be that expectation that "oh they'll change their mind soon enough if i do this or that" you know... to me, it's unfair...

And like, my willingness to be in a relationship or not, is not really up to anyone else. Like, if it happens it happens i guess, it's just not my goal in life right now.

Ghh i know this sounds a bit harsh and rude, i do not intend to be, it's just... the constant pressure that society pushes on others, where apparently you are a failure if you are not in a relationship or you're a virgin or what ever... it's crushing. It's so much pressure... And i get really defensive about this topic, there's really no harm done! I appreciate you leaving a comment on my post tho! 🙏

Edited November 21, 2024 by kuuchan
so many typooos i'm sorry jhdjg

[Sammykins]

I love that you brought this up! And that you made mention of being a people pleaser because same! I never want to hurt someone's feelings or make them think I'm leading them on, so I appreciate your bravery with stating that and bringing this up. That being said it sounds like you are very upfront with your boundaries that you are only looking for friendship which kudos to you because that is so hard. But i think daddies/mommies can be friends if that is what you are looking for and what is communicated up front. 

[NR_Daddy]

1 hour ago, kuuchan said:

Thank you for responding!

Now, I might be a bit blunt and defensive with this... but as i stated above:

I totally get that people can change, i really really do! I've been told this multiple times by people. Even my mother kept pushing the "when are you getting a boyfriend" question on me countless times. It's like, i understand that is a possibility. I just... don't want there to be that expectation that "oh they'll change their mind soon enough if i do this or that" you know... to me, it's unfair...

And like, my willingness to be in a relationship or not, is not really up to anyone else. Like, if it happens it happens i guess, it's just not my goal in life right now.

Ghh i know this sounds a bit harsh and rude, i do not intend to be, it's just... the constant pressure that society pushes on others, where apparently you are a failure if you are not in a relationship or you're a virgin or what ever... it's crushing. It's so much pressure... And i get really defensive about this topic, there's really no harm done! I appreciate you leaving a comment on my post tho! 🙏

I totally understand your stance on relationships and respect your choice.

I do think you might have misunderstood my comment. I was only suggesting that even with a platonic caregiver, you yourself could end up developing feelings for someone. Obviously whether you choose to act on those feelings will be your choice to make, as it should always be.

Edited November 21, 2024 by NR_Daddy

[kuuchan]

27 minutes ago, Sammykins said:

I love that you brought this up! And that you made mention of being a people pleaser because same! I never want to hurt someone's feelings or make them think I'm leading them on, so I appreciate your bravery with stating that and bringing this up. That being said it sounds like you are very upfront with your boundaries that you are only looking for friendship which kudos to you because that is so hard. But i think daddies/mommies can be friends if that is what you are looking for and what is communicated up front. 

Thank you so much!! ; ; 

But yeah i feel like i have to be firm about my boundaries, especially since the relationship aspect is such a big part of this community (which is ofcourse totally fine!<3). I discovered littlespace about a year ago, and i've been doing this stuff solo. So it never really crossed my mind until now that what if acting little with caregivers might give them the wrong idea you know? 

And yeah i'm also totally okey with being friends with anyone in this community: littles, caregiver, switches, whatever it might be! ;w; I just hadn't considered that aspect of the dynamic and how it can possibly effect friendships in that way!

[Sammykins]

9 minutes ago, kuuchan said:

Thank you so much!! ; ; 

But yeah i feel like i have to be firm about my boundaries, especially since the relationship aspect is such a big part of this community (which is ofcourse totally fine!<3). I discovered littlespace about a year ago, and i've been doing this stuff solo. So it never really crossed my mind until now that what if acting little with caregivers might give them the wrong idea you know? 

And yeah i'm also totally okey with being friends with anyone in this community: littles, caregiver, switches, whatever it might be! ;w; I just hadn't considered that aspect of the dynamic and how it can possibly effect friendships in that way!

Oh i completely understand! Also see where you are coming from too that the relationship aspect is a big part and its sometimes hard to set those lines. I like to try and think of it in the space that just like with "vanilla" people not everyone is trying to push for a romantic relationship. Will some get the wrong idea, absolutely! But i like to think those are few and far between. I think that's one of the great things about being little and in this community is there is a TON of communication. And i would like to believe that platonic or otherwise you can readjust your boundaries if you ever feel uncomfortable or want things to change. 

Right! The more friends the better hehe! I think that when we talk about the dynamic i think a lot of is about the power exchange which is agreed upon! And i think its possible to be friends with bigs with out being a little/big affecting the friendship. 

[kuuchan]

8 hours ago, Sammykins said:

I like to try and think of it in the space that just like with "vanilla" people not everyone is trying to push for a romantic relationship. Will some get the wrong idea, absolutely! But i like to think those are few and far between.

Yeah, you're right! I might be worrying a bit too much, but i made the post mostly for future reference, so that i know what to possibly look out for. Social stuff is such a tricky thing for me~ :,3