Very Confusing Situation

[SweetLittleKitty]

I'll start this by saying I'm new here and hello everyone! So, I've been talking to this guy for about 2 1/2 months now. He shows very dominant traits which I like. A while back, I was concerned about him and how he felt about my little side, so I asked him. He said he can't be a caregiver beyond listening to my rants. We got into talking about his dominant side and he said he may be dominant, but he doesn't have the protective, nurturing nature and his dominant side needs to be challenged. I got confused because it seems like he wants another dominant instead of a submissive. He says it doesn't matter to him but he's more dominant than anything. I feel extremely confused on what he wants and how he wants me to fit into all of this. It honestly feels like he's only dominant for sex. Idek what I'm asking for by typing this lol

[beanbean]

Hello and welcome I would ask him to clarify as what it sounds like to me is is looking for a sub not a little bit conversation is the only way to clear things up 

[SweetLittleKitty]

8 minutes ago, beanbean said:

Hello and welcome I would ask him to clarify as what it sounds like to me is is looking for a sub not a little bit conversation is the only way to clear things up 

Update - He said he grew out of ddlg 2-3 years ago 

[SweetLittleKitty]

Another update - He thinks I should talk to my therapist about this and says its unhealthy for me

[Huggybear]

Nurture should be a coin-flip side of any dominant personality in my opinion. DDLG aside, if youre dominant and especially if you dominate in the bedroom, youre also responsible for emotional and physical safety, upkeeping trust and communication (traffic lights + safe word) and aftercare. Regognizing subdrops and having the required skills and items to take care of them - among many other things that heavily require some form of nurture.

I understand him not wanting a "Little" sub. Sounds to me like he does indeed want his dominance challenged, potentially wants his sub to try to occasionally top from the bottom so to speak. Hard to say, I cannot read minds, but saying "Ive outgrown DDLG" Does not imo give enough information to understand all variables.

More adult talks are required :). I would ask him how he takes care of situations in paragraph one. If he gives solid answers then you both know alot more.

Edit for latest comment:
That is a red'ish flag. What makes him say that its unhealthy? Being interested in a softer kink than he might be is not unhealthy. He is lowkey kinkshaming, potentially even manipulating you out of his dislikes. DDLG is not trauma-based or therapy for all. It can be, but even then its a healthy coping mechanism and not Toxic when done right.

Edited September 7, 2024 by Huggybear

[beanbean]

14 minutes ago, SweetLittleKitty said:

Another update - He thinks I should talk to my therapist about this and says its unhealthy for me

Yeah that's questionable to me who is he to judge this part of you

[Little kaiya]

This guy is just throwing out all sorts of red flags to me. Honestly, sounds like a run and count your blessings for dodging a bullet.

[SweetLittleKitty]

16 minutes ago, Huggybear said:

Nurture should be a coin-flip side of any dominant personality in my opinion. DDLG aside, if youre dominant and especially if you dominate in the bedroom, youre also responsible for emotional and physical safety, upkeeping trust and communication (traffic lights + safe word) and aftercare. Regognizing subdrops and having the required skills and items to take care of them - among many other things that heavily require some form of nurture.

I understand him not wanting a "Little" sub. Sounds to me like he does indeed want his dominance challenged, potentially wants his sub to try to occasionally top from the bottom so to speak. Hard to say, I cannot read minds, but saying "Ive outgrown DDLG" Does not imo give enough information to understand all variables.

More adult talks are required :). I would ask him how he takes care of situations in paragraph one. If he gives solid answers then you both know alot more.

Edit for latest comment:
That is a red'ish flag. What makes him say that its unhealthy? Being interested in a softer kink than he might be is not unhealthy. He is lowkey kinkshaming, potentially even manipulating you out of his dislikes. DDLG is not trauma-based or therapy for all. It can be, but even then its a healthy coping mechanism and not Toxic when done right.

It's so confusing. Some days (mainly in person) he'll encourage all of this and it's simple stuff so maybe I just assumed. I get nonverbal around him and it seems like he knows how to handle it. It's like his actions are completely different from what he's saying.

[Huggybear]

Alright, Actions speak more than words so im glad you feel that way, ill try to be hopeful.

If your man is rather young then its possible that he simply doesnt yet grasp of what he is talking about. He could be in the dark or simply only had bad experiences from DDLG.

He said he has outgrown it, does he actually have experience in it in an IRL relationship, or only through chatting online?

Ps: Forgot to welcome you to the forums ^^! Welcome :).

[SweetLittleKitty]

He says that being nurturing and providing is extra stuff. He goes by the textbook definition of a dominant - someone who takes control in decisions, bed, as well as thinking. He said my definition is describing a fill in for a neglectful parent

[beanbean]

5 minutes ago, SweetLittleKitty said:

He says that being nurturing and providing is extra stuff. He goes by the textbook definition of a dominant - someone who takes control in decisions, bed, as well as thinking. He said my definition is describing a fill in for a neglectful parent

I mean the problem is he is assuming his way is right and yours is not 

[Cebakes]

As mentioned above, sounds like he is looking for a submissive partner. He also sounds young and ill informed.

[Huggybear]

50 minutes ago, SweetLittleKitty said:

He says that being nurturing and providing is extra stuff. He goes by the textbook definition of a dominant - someone who takes control in decisions, bed, as well as thinking. He said my definition is describing a fill in for a neglectful parent

Im sorry but No...

Thats not a textbook definition of a dominant. That is a textbook definition of a narcissist. He sounds like he doesnt want to take responsibility of you or your needs. He sounds like as long as youre quiet and do as youre told he doesnt have a problem with you. Thats Abuse.

Narcissistic personality disorder involves a pattern of self-centered, arrogant thinking and behavior, a lack of empathy and consideration for other people, and an excessive need for admiration. Others often describe people with NPD as cocky, manipulative, selfish, patronizing, and demanding.

You need to assess your situation. Im trying to be positive and take what youre saying with a grain of salt, but I have not seen an ounce of "Good Dom" yet on anything that you are writing.

My biggest concerns are "He does your thinking for you" and "He thinks providing and nurture is Extra".

Honestly, you are walking a very dangerous path here.

Answer me this:
When you argue/fight, does it usually end with you thinking you did something wrong?
Have you experienced gaslighting? (Having done/Said/Remembered something and him arguing it to be false).
When youre non-verbal, is it your decision or is it his personality/energy/mannerism that takes the speaking space?

[DaddyUpNorth]

As a Daddy this guy sounds like one of those Faux Daddys. Wants the submissive little play toy but without the babying and support.

I've seen this story so many times while looking for my little girl, the same story over and over of a guy who says hes into it then once he gets his foot in the door he slowly strips away everything he doesn't want till its not what you wanted.

There is nothing wrong with you at all and should never feel that way and the fact you do shows he's failed as a CG. 

I know its a personal thing for me but my little comes first for everything, i make sure shes taken care of and does whats needed but i always make sure she is happy, fulfilled and shown the absolute compassion and love she deserves. I'll make sure shes fed before me, that she has her day planned before mine and that her "other" needs are given before mine are considered.

Yes i am dominant in the relationship and enforce rules and behavior under punishment but its to ensure she is taken care of even when she doesn't want it.

[MissNMTX]

Sounds to me like a fake Dom truthfully. An insecure guy who just wants to control, be the boss. He says he likes the idea of being challenged.... likely he relishes the idea of winning.

It's true that not all Daddies are also Doms and it's certainly true that not all Doms are daddies. Personally, I need both. This guy seems honestly to be neither. More the predator type who likes to pick out weaknesses and then make you feel bad. Walking giant red flag 🚩🚩🚩🚩

[Capri]

2 hours ago, SweetLittleKitty said:

Another update - He thinks I should talk to my therapist about this and says its unhealthy for me

So basically "do everything I want and in return you get nothing. what you want sounds unhealthy." 

The amount of gaslighting is wild here.  This relationship itself is what doesn't sound healthy imo. 

[shadowrider]

I can't judge 100% since I only have your side of the story, and we all know each story has 3 sides. 

But from reading what you have shared I'm going to venture to guess this guy watched those stupid 50 shades movies. Now he has some fantasy of being that dude and having a sub that sometimes pushes his limits just to work him up. In that fantasy everything leads to him being able to punish someone and it always ends in mind blowing sex. None of that fantasy sounds nearly as healthy as you liking cartoons or stuffies or whatever you are into in this lifestyle.

Take in his actions not his words. In the end those will tell you all you need to know about his true character. 

Stay safe and take care of yourself. 

[Princ3ss-Baby-Bear]

17 hours ago, SweetLittleKitty said:

Another update - He thinks I should talk to my therapist about this and says its unhealthy for me

Holy fudge balls that’s a red flag to me! Like seriously don’t judge someone for who they are or they’re coping mechanisms!!

18 hours ago, SweetLittleKitty said:

his dominant side needs to be challenged.

Could be he simply enjoys challenging submissives such as brats who enjoy pushing back and being disobedient or as you said he needs a second Dominant who’ll fight him for power🤷‍♀️

 

tbh from what I’ve read it sounds like he’s not communicating with you in a good way and that’s never good, both a good Dom and Sub will have good communication even before a dynamic as it allows for proper vetting, from the things he’s said towards you such as seek help for being a little is a definite walk away now kind of situation you definitely don’t want to go down this rabbit hole to find no way back out

 

[starlie]

On 9/7/2024 at 3:35 PM, SweetLittleKitty said:

He says that being nurturing and providing is extra stuff. He goes by the textbook definition of a dominant - someone who takes control in decisions, bed, as well as thinking. He said my definition is describing a fill in for a neglectful parent

he sounds similar to someone i was talking to. from what you’ve shared, at the very least, you guys are not compatible. he doesn’t seem to be willing to meet your needs, he says he’s grown out of the dynamic, and it doesn’t seem like he even fully understands what the dynamic is. 

on a more personal level, “daddies” like this (and people in general, actually) don’t have your best interests in mind and usually just want something from you. that’s just in my experience but generally if someone is contradicting themselves or their actions aren’t lining up with their words, then proceed with caution because they may not be trustworthy. 
 

sending warm hugs and support ~

Edited September 9, 2024 by littlebvnni

[weirdunicorn]

i would wash my hands of him. at this point in my life I don’t have time for any of it. 

[SweetLittleKitty]

Update on all of this - Things have gotten better after explaining more about what I'm looking for. He feels that we should keep having these conversations cause his mind is pretty much just thinking about what he's read and not what he actually needs to do. As much as he says he isn't, he's very nurturing. When I'm over at his place he makes me food, gives me the blankets all nice and neat, carries me to the bathroom (just cause I like being carried), pets my head and gives me little massages. Plus, when I'm upset, he kisses all over my face until I start laughing. I honestly think he doesn't like to admit it, but he is a big teddy bear for me. He comes from a military family background, and I've learned it's easier for him to show affection than say it.

[Alonetogth3r]

Well, it is possible that his dominant persona really only comes out and that he really only wants to express it during sex. As for what he's describing, I've heard doms who heavily favor brats describe it that way. They like to have a dynamic where there's some form of ongoing power struggle and brats offer that. Ultimately you two just don't sound super compatible though if you are a little...

[ExtraCurious]

This doesn't sound like a ddlg relationship. Nor a Dom/Sub one but a vanilla one.

 

Plenty of vanilla people do practice a little dominance ... in the old days is was traditional for men to and still is quite often.