My Partner Doesn’t See Me As a Daddy

[Greenwriter]

My partner (20F) and I (32M) recently separated after dating for awhile because there was a ton of strain in our relationship, both financial and mental health. We still love each other and still live together, but are no longer exclusive which is something I do not want. I ended things hoping that the stigma of the relationship would ease up if we took it back to where we were before, but I quickly realized this was a mistake. She told me from the beginning that she didn’t see us as being something serious and didn’t want to date. She eventually came forward and wanted to move in together, and then wanted to date. I’m fully aware that she is much younger and I typically find myself attracted to older women than myself.

She is wanting a DDLG but has never had it before, and didn’t know how to explain it to me. It seemed so taboo. And she didn’t get that kind of feeling from me. Earlier this week I discovered that a friend of hers that she has been hanging out with is not only interested in her, but that she is mutually interested in her. I had her phone looking up some information while she had mine to do the same, and a message from him flashed across the screen saying Stop playing games let’s do this. I was shattered. No we are not exclusive, but I was hoping to get back to that point. She sees him as someone who can provide that DDLG for her even though she has never had it, and swears that nothing has happened- just talk. She has been planning to see him later in the week. 

She has much trauma from her family, specifically her dad and does not know how to communicate her feelings. She has apparently been unhappy for some time, which I was not oblivious to. We have been struggling. But there have been many things that I’ve done that have rubbed her the wrong way, albeit unintentionally and I didn’t realize the extent of the damage that had been done. She felt invalidated by simple things like me always being the one to choose what we watched. I felt horrified when she finally confided this in me. Meanwhile, she just doesn’t get that DDLG feeling from me despite the fact she has admitted she has never felt loved the way she does with me, and I’m the only partner ever to make her climax. Our sex is good. But I lack the attitude she’s been seeking. However, after confiding in some friends and discovering more about this dynamic I realize that it isn’t anything like what I thought it was, and I’m desperate to learn for her because in almost every other way, we are an amazing match. She can’t teach what she doesn’t know. And I’m terrified that she will eventually sleep with this guy, who is a drug dealer, even though she claimed it wouldn’t be anything serious. I love her and want to satisfy her. Please help.

[DashingDaddyDom]

From personal experience breaks don't work. It hurts like hell but I'd cut off the relationship.

[beanbean]

I suggest reading the forums a seeing if there is anything that help or clears up your fears about ddlg and talk to your partner and go from there .but there a weath of info on the forums and I suggest you use them and sre if it helps 

[Guest Gentleman_Daddy]

I feel like your trying to put a square peg in a round whole here, but if you really want advice then as Beanbean said I would read all the threads on here and see if it is something that appeals to you.

[Capri]

If you're trying to fit in a role that doesn't come naturally to you just to keep a relationship alive or satisfy someone else, I don't think it will work out as well as you hope it would. 

It's not so easy to change someone's perception of you, and in the end it is her decision who she chooses to see since you both agreed on separating. Even if you live together and you still call her your partner, it is no longer mutually exclusive and you both seem to have different views of what you want from this relationship. 

Might be best to take a step back and re-evaluate your own feelings first. 

[Guest Daddu]

It seems to me that right now your priority should be to protect yourself as you seem to be the most vulnerable.

Take care of yourself first without thinking about anyone else. 

once you've done this sufficiently to get more lucidity and clarity make decisions...

Good luck dear

[Greenwriter]

I mean overall, now that I have a better understanding of some of these things, I’m not all that uncomfortable with it. Much of it is a turn on actually- thing is though we just fell into a pattern of doing things a certain way and my priorities shifted away from her and once I realized it, it was too late. I’m open to learning because there are so many excellent parts of our relationship and I want this to be something that enhances it. We trust each other and make one another feel safe, and I’m hoping she will take a chance to let me show her that I’m willing to work on the communication issues and maybe even thrill her in the ways she’s been desiring. And perhaps not. I truly don’t know at this point. She can be very easily influenced at times, and is often indecisive or knows for sure that something will or will not happen, yet it often turns out the opposite of her prediction. I’ve learned to kind of step back in those situations and gently suggest that maybe things will turn out one way or another and if I end up being right, I don’t make a big deal out of it.

[Huggybear]

I really tried to dive deep into this but all I can think about is she is about to hook up with a drugdealer who is without a doubt using her vulnerabilities and young age to his advantage. Is there anything to be done about this?

Grabbing on your last few lines, it almost sounds like she needs a bit of parental guidance and youre not currently giving it. No one likes to hear "I told you so" so on that youre correct, but if you want her to follow your lead and look at you as a potential dom and a protector, you have to step up and take charge on things that you Know are correct. You have 12 years on her, and if you share about the same level of intellect then your life experience propably wins alot of time. Shes barely an adult, and based on what youre writing she is prone to making some major mistakes. Be the man she needs and guide her, firmly, even if there is conflict (and there will be) - Or stay as friends and let her find her own way. That decision is entirely yours, and both are equally valid.

Just remember that consent is everything, you need to gain that first before taking a step into a more dominant role, if that is what you choose to do.

Edited August 25, 2024 by Huggybear

[shadowrider]

 Tried not to be too harsh or come across as super abrasive but sometimes reality stings.

 My first response is if she is "chatting" with this guy she has already gone too far and you need to lay down some ground rules. She can either stop talking to him or she can move out. Not being exclusive is one thing, if that's what you both want, but putting herself and possibly you in harms way is another. I say this not to be mean but for your safety.

 Best case scenario she goes to him and before they get too close she decides she wants you and comes home. Worst case he comes to see her while you are at work and now has access to your home. A drug dealer is not someone you want hanging around your house. If nothing else your neighbors and potentially the police will see him there and assume you are friends or business partners. Not to mention if they catch him there and he is holding, well that's a new issue you have. And those dudes tend to be the jealous type so her living with you and being told he is not welcome to come over will not sit well with him. The drug dealer has to go one way or another if you want to keep her in your life and keep her safe. 

 You are at a crossroads right now and your options are to let her go and watch as all this plays out. Or let her know you are on here and you want to be the man she thinks she wants and needs. If she loves you she will want you to learn and be the DD she is looking for. She could also join and learn a few things and you could grow together, that suggestion should be made. If she is against this idea then she has already made your choice for you and you need to end it.

 I'm not a big fan of changing who I am for someone else. Those changes either don't happen fast enough for them or they go against the core of who you are and one of you becomes bitter about the way things are going. If this lifestyle truly resonates with you then you will change as you mature into your role. If it isn't in your heart or core then all the reading in the world won't create the change you or she desires.

 TV and dinner choices are just a few of the areas where you have to think of her feelings before just deciding. A lot of littles and non littles for that matter, like when we take charge and order for them at a restaurant. But they also have wants and needs that have to be considered like picking movies and maybe eating dino nuggets instead of grown up chicken strips. Just because she is sitting through a movie with you doesn't mean she is liking the experience. Offer her the remote or ask what she is in the mood for. If she gives you the old I dunno, find an animated movie and see if her eyes light up. 

Honestly sounds to me like she is seeing him for what he is, a dominant man. I've never met a drug dealer that didn't exhibit dominant traits. If she is seeking that type of man you will have to be that type of man. Whether you want to change yourself for a relationship only you can say. Just know there is a difference between dominant and overbearing/controlling. 

I wish you the best of luck and if you have more questions help is just a topic creation away. We have a community full of great people that like reading and offering help.

[Huggybear]

Shadow laying down the wisdom. There is nothing to add to that, agree with every paragraph.

I hope you find a way to make the right decisions, the safe decisions and to make them fast enough. This situation seems volatile.

[MyMy]

Hi, 

I’m glad you reached out about your need for help. That’s really brave so I just wanted to say that first. You have a lot of advice in here regarding the Dom aspect of your post but I want to follow up on the first portion of “financial struggles” mentioned. Financial problems while living with someone can cause even more stress and panic and can be detrimental to mental health. It’s the lead cause for divorce in America. I know you’re not married but I believe the first thing you should do is get your money up. When you have the ability to ease financial burden from littles it shows off your dominant side and allows the little to be in the rightful place as the submissive. Like Shadows example of ordering for her at a restaurant. It would be very dominant for you to order the food she wants for her at a restaurant but if the check comes and you say hey We need to go 50/50 that is -dominant points. Now I don’t know either of you or the developments of your character and I’m only speaking from experience but if she doesn’t see you that way I doubt she ever will. And from the sound of things you don’t really want her, you’re just used to her. You said you find older women more attractive. Now you can use all this advice to get yourself better for your next relationship if you still want to continue in the life. I hope I didn’t offend only wanted to help. 

MyMy