Love in an instant. Is it sustainable ?

[shadowrider]

Rant incoming. Those easily offended should stop reading now.

  This has nothing to do with any status updates or posts I've seen but the amount of come and go members I've dealt with lately. All with the same problem, "I can't find anyone".

  There would be no single people left if finding your soulmate were as easy as joining a forum and 1 week later poof, there ya go. Your perfect mate all wrapped up and delivered like a present on your birthday.

  Honestly makes me wonder if some people's lives have been so easy or blessed that they never had to wait or work and struggle for anything they wanted. Things just magically appeared as soon as you wanted them.

  If so I'm happy for you but let's be realistic for a moment because that hasn't been the case for most of us. Some of y'all wait longer for an amazon or temu package to be delivered than you are willing to wait for a partner, and don't complain once about UPS or the post. But for an actual human with something in common with you and a desire to be yours and you theirs you can't wait more than a week ? C'mon now.

  As wonderful as this place is you can't expect us to keep mr or miss perfect on the shelf waiting for you to just pop in and scoop them up like a new toy. It's hard enough to find someone you are semi compatible with out there in the world where there are billions of people. Now you are dividing that number into a small section of like minded people scattered all over the globe that happened to realize what they are interested in and that managed to find our community.  Add to that those who are worried about the stigmas or have to hide who they are because of their jobs and it narrows it down even further. And lets not forget location is important to most. I'd compare that to fishing an entire ocean knowing there are only 1000 fish in it and only 1 of those is attracted to the bait you have. Pretty sure you won't be successful immediately, but you don't give up.

  If you give up your search and delete after a week or two because "you can't find anyone", that tells me you aren't the kind of person that is emotionally ready for a relationship. Relationships are amazing but they are also hard work. No one wants to hear that nowadays but I think we sugar coat and water down the truth too much any more. If you want a 3 day to 1 month fling then by all means have 1. Grab the first person in your inbox and be happy, until you are not. Then try it all over again. Just be sure to accept some of the blame for that failure as your own and don't place it all on the other person. You cannot expect a true "ride or die", "love at all costs", "here for you no matter what comes" relationship to just fall in your lap and be easy peasey from day one till death do you part. That is not realistic and doesn't happen overnight.

  Too many people mistake lust with love and that leads to nothing but problems. We have been fooled by tv and movies to believe we can just bump into someone at a coffee shop or the bread aisle and fall deeply in love in that moment and happily ever after follows. That's not reality. Love at first sight does not exist, what you feel are emotions like lust and desire. Love is something you have to develop over time and takes work. There's that word again, work. At least the disney movies show there is struggle and work involved before they all run off to their palace for lifelong happiness. But most of us will face things that last longer than the short lived bad guy chases they face. They always defeat the bad and move on rather quickly. Real life has struggles that aren't so easily defeated. Once you move past that initial dopamine rush and "honeymoon" phase is when you really get to know someone. That is when most decide to cut and run because it seems "hard". Life is hard and everything has a cost. A relationship worth having is worth way more than any amount of work you put into it. 

  If love were just about the warm fuzzy times there would be no old couples out there. Because as you grow together life presents new problems. But if you have put in the work and have a strong foundation there is nothing you can't face and overcome. 

TLDR

Stop chasing fairy tale romance and do the research and work to create something real.

Rant over.

If anyone wants to chime in with some real world stories of struggles or how to work through them that is always appreciated. 

This is not a section to bash anyone or air dirty laundry, just so we are on the same page.

Stay safe and be the best person you can in life.

[Little kaiya]

Like many of your posts you hit the nail on the head.

[shadowrider]

Thank you kindly

[PrincessCarmilla]

The current relationship I have needed to be built up to where we're at now. It started as a long distance one when I was alone during the pandemic. Before that I would only do anything irl but the loneliness removed this inhibition.

And so we chatted for years. First time I had someone who I'd text with back and forth each day. Getting to know each other better week by week, becoming more familiar. Eventually we started video chats on and off to further get to know each other. We'd try our best to emotionally support each other as best we can through a screen. Honestly, initially we weren't even going to be partners, just close friends.

Eventually there came a point where a year ahead we started planning on moving together. That's when everything went wrong. So much was sold beforehand and at one point we were living in a hotel for a bit. We did find a place eventually, in a completely different city, hours away from where we were planning. To say it's been rough would be putting it mildly. Frankly, the brief houselessness, a horrific breakup earlier, completely uprooting my life, plus everything else that happened that year truly broke me. It's the point when I when from just having a littlespace to being a regressor.

It was hard.

But I went through it all with my now caregiver right beside me and it was never expected to turn out this way. Honestly, if we met as a date, we probably wouldn't of gotten together. But we've grown close because of how we've been by each other's side despite of life's difficulties and because of it, we've discovered how well we compliment each other.

My grandmother always told me to wait until you and your partner go through something stressful before you get married. That most people can get through the best of times together, but it's the rough times that truly determines if you're compatible. At this point, my caregiver and I joke about how we'll get married one day with a ringpop on my finger. But that's going to be at least a few years down the road. In the meantime, we are trying to pace ourselves. Rome wasn't built in a day and nothing that will last will be built quickly. But I'm hoping and aiming that we'll be together for a long time

[shadowrider]

Sounds like you may have found the right one and are building a relationship instead of hoping to fall into one. Congratulations to you both.

[Capri]

Thank you! This is a great reality check especially for those of us who have yet to experience this type of dynamic relationship. 

We live in an age of instant gratification through swiping apps and social media. Seeing seemingly perfect couples and comparing ourselves to that. It's easy to feel jealous and impatient. 

This place is unique because it allows people to say their deep desires publicly without much judgement. Sometimes I get into this mentality where I just think "waah i want a daddyyy" but if a bad person saw that thought vocalized as a status update they could use that vulnerable state of mind to take advantage of a little. Those who are not yet mature enough to recognize it might fall into that trap and get hurt. 

I think deep down most of us understand that real love takes time and work to build together.  Or I'd like to hope so. 

Stay safe out there y'all. ♡

[elusive.effie]

I'm trying to become more confident on the forum, so I'll add a shortened experience of mine to the conversation.

In my last relationship, my partner and I met and became exclusive within three days, and it was the fourth day when we said "I love you." At the time, it felt amazing. I thought I had found the person I was destined to be with, and it all happened so quickly. In my mind, that was further proof that it was meant to be.

A year in to the relationship, I moved across the country to live with him, and we shared that home for two very turbulant years. In the beginning it felt magical - was with my DD and I was safe to be in littlespace around him in our own personal haven.

It didn't last long. It wasn't that he was awful or anything like that, but I realised that we hadn't really just existed in the same vicinity together for an extended period of time before. One of the issues, for example, was that I am unfortunately quite clingy, and he indulged that online but in person he absolutely hated it. I became heartbroken because this behaviour he had feverishly encouraged was suddenly inconvenient and annoying in person, and he grew to be frustrated.

Our whirlwind romance was just that, a whirlwind. It wasn't built on communication and healthy expression, just short-lived emotions. We romanticised one another online and fell in love with the idea of the other person, but that didn't really translate face-to-face.

I don't think I would ever put myself in that situation again. It feels intoxicating in the moment, but long-lasting relationships need  a substantial amount of communication, collaboration, and effort. 

[shadowrider]

Thanks for sharing that. It sucks going through it but you seem to have taken that experience as a lesson and grown from it which is good.

I always heard older people say if you want to find out who a person is take a road trip with them. And its true. Getting caught in traffic or a really long drive will usually bring out at least subtle hints of what a person is like. 

More recently I have heard the same applies to turning off their wifi. If they flip their lid the moment they lose signal and their connection to the virtual world. You may want to think about that for a bit. 

Life is full of things that could set someone off. But success in life is how you react to those things in my opinion. 

[dldaddysprincess]

My partner and I were friends first. It's okay to not rush things. We've been together almost a year and we're still in no hurry. We're confident about where our path is headed, the important thing is that we're on that path together.

Give yourself time to make it past the sharing phase of the relationship. I think the hard part comes after you're all shared out...then what? I like the idea of spending undisturbed time together and I agree, turn off the wifi and put your phones down. It's also okay to have time apart. We had are first real test this summer. Daddy works in AK on his boat during the summer months. He leaves late May and comes back early August. I was really worried, the weather gets really bad and sometimes he couldn't reach me to tell me he's alright. I'm so happy he's okay and back and I know next year will be hard too but we'll be okay. 

Give yourselves time to weather the quiet and the storms so you come out of it together on the other side. I don't know if that applies to this rant but I tried and I'm not very good at talking to strangers.

[beanbean]

6 hours ago, shadowrider said:

Rant incoming. Those easily offended should stop reading now.

  This has nothing to do with any status updates or posts I've seen but the amount of come and go members I've dealt with lately. All with the same problem, "I can't find anyone".

  There would be no single people left if finding your soulmate were as easy as joining a forum and 1 week later poof, there ya go. Your perfect mate all wrapped up and delivered like a present on your birthday.

  Honestly makes me wonder if some people's lives have been so easy or blessed that they never had to wait or work and struggle for anything they wanted. Things just magically appeared as soon as you wanted them.

  If so I'm happy for you but let's be realistic for a moment because that hasn't been the case for most of us. Some of y'all wait longer for an amazon or temu package to be delivered than you are willing to wait for a partner, and don't complain once about UPS or the post. But for an actual human with something in common with you and a desire to be yours and you theirs you can't wait more than a week ? C'mon now.

  As wonderful as this place is you can't expect us to keep mr or miss perfect on the shelf waiting for you to just pop in and scoop them up like a new toy. It's hard enough to find someone you are semi compatible with out there in the world where there are billions of people. Now you are dividing that number into a small section of like minded people scattered all over the globe that happened to realize what they are interested in and that managed to find our community.  Add to that those who are worried about the stigmas or have to hide who they are because of their jobs and it narrows it down even further. And lets not forget location is important to most. I'd compare that to fishing an entire ocean knowing there are only 1000 fish in it and only 1 of those is attracted to the bait you have. Pretty sure you won't be successful immediately, but you don't give up.

  If you give up your search and delete after a week or two because "you can't find anyone", that tells me you aren't the kind of person that is emotionally ready for a relationship. Relationships are amazing but they are also hard work. No one wants to hear that nowadays but I think we sugar coat and water down the truth too much any more. If you want a 3 day to 1 month fling then by all means have 1. Grab the first person in your inbox and be happy, until you are not. Then try it all over again. Just be sure to accept some of the blame for that failure as your own and don't place it all on the other person. You cannot expect a true "ride or die", "love at all costs", "here for you no matter what comes" relationship to just fall in your lap and be easy peasey from day one till death do you part. That is not realistic and doesn't happen overnight.

  Too many people mistake lust with love and that leads to nothing but problems. We have been fooled by tv and movies to believe we can just bump into someone at a coffee shop or the bread aisle and fall deeply in love in that moment and happily ever after follows. That's not reality. Love at first sight does not exist, what you feel are emotions like lust and desire. Love is something you have to develop over time and takes work. There's that word again, work. At least the disney movies show there is struggle and work involved before they all run off to their palace for lifelong happiness. But most of us will face things that last longer than the short lived bad guy chases they face. They always defeat the bad and move on rather quickly. Real life has struggles that aren't so easily defeated. Once you move past that initial dopamine rush and "honeymoon" phase is when you really get to know someone. That is when most decide to cut and run because it seems "hard". Life is hard and everything has a cost. A relationship worth having is worth way more than any amount of work you put into it. 

  If love were just about the warm fuzzy times there would be no old couples out there. Because as you grow together life presents new problems. But if you have put in the work and have a strong foundation there is nothing you can't face and overcome. 

TLDR

Stop chasing fairy tale romance and do the research and work to create something real.

Rant over.

If anyone wants to chime in with some real world stories of struggles or how to work through them that is always appreciated. 

This is not a section to bash anyone or air dirty laundry, just so we are on the same page.

Stay safe and be the best person you can in life.

Maybe you should stock your shelves  better 😂. No but your right of course sometimes waiting is a good thing and much needed lol 

[shadowrider]

Times apart can definitely test you. But making past east test or trial, no matter how big or small, strengthens your foundation. And that is what we all need to work on. 

 

Binxie if I knew where to find a quality stockpile of partners I would definitely share that info with my peeps. Not sure we could warehouse them though, that's kinda frowned upon.

[NR_Daddy]

Relationships that stand the test of time are those where each person puts the effort in, and essentially keep putting the effort in.

Too many people are quick to walk away when the going gets tough these days. It's "easy" for them to find someone who will apparantly give them "what they need", until they don't and they then look for someone else.

Real relationships are ones where you communicate and you try to work things out if something is making you unhappy, and that means talking and making compromises. You shouldn't always get your own way. That's just unhealthy and making you expect the unrealistic, and expecting people to change for you instead of them being themselves, and it's not you liking them for who they are.

You should be aware that there is no such thing as a perfect match. We each have the things we like in life and they're not always going to align. As a partner you should show an interest in the things your partner likes and the same goes for the other person, even if it's something you'd not ordinarily be interested in. This shows you have an interest in them.

Even if your partner likes things you don't, that doesn't mean you're not compatible. The chances are there are things you like that your partner won't. This is a perfectly normal thing, and you should have time to follow your own interests as part of a healthy and normal relationship. Following your own interests, including seeing your friends on your own, means there is something to talk about together.

By the way, you can find me in aisle 6, 4th bay on the right side and on the 3rd shelf where i have been gathering a bit of dust

Edited August 10, 2024 by NR_Daddy

[Little kaiya]

My Wife and I celebrated 18 years married this year. We've been through medical issues, job losses, threats of violence and actual violence because of my work, burnouts, loss of a parent, me coming out as genderfluid, the addition of a partner who we've now been together with for seven years and so much more.

We get folks who ask how and the answer is very, very simple even though the execution isn't, because we chose and continue to choose to put in the work. A relationship shouldn't always feel like work but there are times where it will feel that way and that's when the choice needs to be made.

Too many folks confuse lust and love. They expect love to be enough but that ignores that relationships like life require hard work sometimes. Long term relationships  are absolutely possible but they aren't something you fall into, they require effort, communication and commitment