RopeDaddy Posted July 24, 2024 Report Posted July 24, 2024 (edited) Hello, please let me know if this is the wrong place to post this. I've known I was a Daddy for a long time, but never had a DDlg rel. before. I posted in Reddit and after much catfishing and BS, I found a girl I like. For the moment we are online only and she is also very new to the concept but says she's wanted a Daddy for a while and she sought me out. I guided her to some edges and then to play with herself in a safe place she had a VERY small chance to get caught (on the up-n-up, promise) She said she liked being pushed. I again realized I don't know what she wanted fully. I mentioned something like, "Before we actually get into any kind of dynamic, we should discuss what we both what in the dynamic." Her response was unsatisfying, "Look I feel like starting off, we should both try stuff. Our needs are similar and I enjoy being told to do stuff. I want you to make rules and stuff, some things I'm a bit new to. But we've agreed on a safe word and I'll say yellow if I'm ever uncomfortable. You're genuinely my type and I hope things work out." I informed her that we HADN'T talked about a safeword -- prompting that conversation -- but showing that she's making assumptions. I read in another post on this site, as little say "my daddy helped me realize that I had no idea what I wanted from that sort of relationship. I just 'wanted a daddy/mommy' so bad." and I feel my new little is in this same state, I want to guide her forward from it, so I know how to best support her, her vanilla life, and her kinky explorations. I'm also continuing to read more on here, but there's a lot to sift through. I know we need the conversation about what we both want in DDlg and our relationship, general expectations, etc, but I'm so new to that, I've never had the conversation before and guiding her through it is extra challenging. I know I will have to plant my Daddy foot down and say, we need to discuss this (in a nice, guiding way) but I don't know what to say once IN the conversation. I know a 'contract' is a bit much for now, but knowing her wants and discussing mine will really help how I push her and to where/what. If anyone can respond with advice, articles on questions for new littles, etc would greatly help this. Edited July 28, 2024 by RopeDaddy
Little kaiya Posted July 25, 2024 Report Posted July 25, 2024 Having the conversation as adults instead of while inside the dynamic. A lot of folks try to have a boundary setting discussion while in DDlg space and it rarely goes well. Other than that it's about having open, honest and patient discussions, yes I used the plural for a reason as everything won't be settled or resolved in one discussion. 2 1
puppyskull Posted July 25, 2024 Report Posted July 25, 2024 (edited) Hello there, from experience any BDSM dynamic needs these things: Talk about your interests. What kinks do you like or wanna try? how do you want your dynamic to be? if you are new, you can read a bit about different ddlg dynamics and see what catches your eye. There might be some kinks that sound interesting, but after trying them you realize you don't really like 'em, that's okay, you gotta try out stuff. What titles will you use? Are you gonna be a flexible or strict daddy? are you gonna order her around only in the bedroom, or also in her everyday life? those are very important starting points. Talk about what you expect and what you definitely NEED from each other. I'd suggest making a list of interests and a list of boundaries. Are you gonna be monogamous? poly? open? Talk about consent. This is really important. Do you want to do cnc? or do you just wanna dominate her more softly? what does she want? talking about this, you'll know when it's ok to 'push her', as you said. But you gotta be truthful... Usually people get very excited and end up agreeing to things that in their everyday-normal-life, would not agree to. Decide what safewords you are gonna use and how are they gonna work. Also talk about availability. Once you've settled that down, you can try starting off with some rules... make it simple, you do not need 50 rules right from the beginning, just try what both of you might like and go on from there. You must offer an open, safe space to re-talk boundaries, limits, and interests. ALSO it's important that you get to know each other outside of your dynamic. Maybe you match on interests, but not as people... it happens sometimes. That's all that comes to mind at the moment... I don't think reddit's the best place to meet people, I gotta admit I find it kinda weird she said you already had a safeword when you didn't... maybe she had another d/s dynamic before? Anyways, good luck and safe play! Edited July 25, 2024 by puppyskull 1 1
RopeDaddy Posted July 25, 2024 Author Report Posted July 25, 2024 11 minutes ago, Little kaiya said: as adults instead of while inside the dynamic ... everything won't be settled or resolved in one discussion. Absolutely, outside the dynamic, though I hope to praise her for the effort of communicating. I also expect needs change and look forward to updating them with more future conversations. 15 minutes ago, puppyskull said: What kinks do you like or wanna try? ... if you are new, you can read a bit about different ddlg dynamics ... What titles will you use? Are you gonna be a flexible or strict daddy? ... only in the bedroom... everyday life? ... what you expect and what you definitely NEED... I'd suggest making a list of interests and a list of boundaries. Are you gonna be monogamous? ... Talk about consent... ...starting off with some rules... make it simple, ... ...get to know each other outside of your dynamic. Maybe you match on interests ... gotta admit I find it kinda weird she said you already had a safeword when you didn't... maybe she had another d/s dynamic before? ... Her kinks will be harder to pin down, I think I'll have to take one of the online quizes to get more info. Her messages sound like she herself is fuzzy on this. Any recommended places to read about other's dynamics? AO3 is very fantasy, Reddit is very porn. Daddy and Princess/Kitten, but i expect these to evolve, like everything else. Like most, somewhere between strict and flexible, but more flexible with funishments. I already understand she wants praise and isn't very bratty, but we're learning about each other. Bedroom or otherwise: Good question, it's on my list to discuss. Really this is all about how to approach need vs expect List of boundaries and interest was kinda the plan, but making a real list is a very important idea, thank you. We discussed Monogamous, but we are on opposite sides of the country, so I agree re-discussing it is important. We have safewords now, similar to stoplight. CNC yes, but knowing her wants will make a HUGE difference there. Rules: I'm writing an idea list to see here interests in them and start with only a couple and see how/if it evolves as we re-discuss Interested/outside-dynamic: we already have a short list of common shows and interests and I plan on offering date nights to watch a show together, though remotely. I look forward to finding more of those! Pre-existing safeword: Ya, I assume she met someone before and got a little mixed up. I plan on asking if I am the only Daddy now while discussing monogamy, but I don't see a need to ask about past reddit/other conversations beyond gauging some experience things -- I think that information is like prodding for past BFs.
puppyskull Posted July 25, 2024 Report Posted July 25, 2024 14 minutes ago, RopeDaddy said: Any recommended places to read about other's dynamics? AO3 is very fantasy, Reddit is very porn. There's a resources tab right here on the forum that might be helpful. Personally, I always recommend looking for Evie Lupine on Youtube. She's the best BDSMtuber there is, she makes videos about any topic you could imagine... I've also seen some blogs and pages about BDSM, but I can't really remember the names... Try looking on google and you'll probably find more of what you need. 1
shadowrider Posted July 25, 2024 Report Posted July 25, 2024 Other than what LK and PS mentioned, which covered most of the bases. Kinks can be hard to nail down until you've tried them for sure. Some things you fantasize about may not be so great in real life. You both being open to try new things is a plus. I would discuss any hard limits and potential soft limits. There are things we don't have to try to know we won't do them so that would be a good way to start exploring kink territories and boundaries. I would also make sure she doesn't have any allergies to leather, latex, plastics, or allergies in general. Just so you know now. This also shows your level of care for her and lets her know you are taking this and her safety seriously. If it will be outside of the bedroom also. Is she or are you looking for a 24/7 lifestyle ? Meaning she stays home and is in little space as much as she likes and you work and take care of her and the home chores. This would be a question for once you are in the same house since I think that is your ultimate goal. Correct me if I'm wrong, just looking down the road for potential speed bumps. Or is she more independent in her big self and still wants to work or be a homemaker ? Are you ok with either answer she may give ? Also I always say lay a solid foundation first. Kinks may come and go and you may take breaks from them but you have to build a relationship that can stand up to life. Movie nights and game nights are a great idea. Long distance is tough. It can be done but it takes as much or more work than an in person relationship. As long as you are both willing to put in the work and have the talks you'll be ok.
RopeDaddy Posted July 25, 2024 Author Report Posted July 25, 2024 34 minutes ago, shadowrider said: allergies to leather, latex, plastics, or allergies in general. Very good point! 35 minutes ago, shadowrider said: Is she or are you looking for a 24/7 lifestyle? ... Or is she more independent in her big self and still wants to work or be a homemaker ? It's all Online right now, so that is difficult. I'm uncertain if I should even bring the idea up with her. On one hand, I want to know how often she wants that, but on the other, I don't know that she would know yet and it's likely a question that might be scary at first. I will have to feel this out as we go and continue re-discussing. And frankly, I would love any/either answer. Thank you for this! And I'm getting excited about the work, but I know it is new and we are new, so I know this may just be the first time I'm getting excited by this path -- only time will tell. 1
Hannah04 Posted July 25, 2024 Report Posted July 25, 2024 I would tell her that in order for you to fulfill the role of a Daddy that y'all need to have a discussion about everything you both want from the relationship, I would even test some kinks out to see if you are into it or not, the relationship only works if there is clear communication between the two of you because even the she is the sub/little girl in this relationship your opinions and thoughts matter just as much as hers. Anytime that I would start a relationship with someone I would make it clear that our relationship would not move any further until I knew we were on the same page. They would tell me what they wanted from me and what they didn't want and I would tell them what I wanted from them so that we had a mutual respect for each other. It can be hard especially when your new to it all but I thinks it's necessary to have these conversations so the relationship can work and no one gets hurt or upset. 2
RopeDaddy Posted July 25, 2024 Author Report Posted July 25, 2024 4 minutes ago, Hannah04 said: They would tell me what they wanted from me and what they didn't want and I would tell them what I wanted from them so that we had a mutual respect for each other. Yes, I agree with it all, and I know the importance of that conversation, discussion. The dilemma, me being new as a Daddy, is pinning down what those wants are. I have a growing list of questions for her. I also have a journal for me where I'm working to flush out exactly what it is that I want from a DDlg relationship -- beyond the surface level: loving caring dom me, little obedient/bratty her. This is helping, my wish is becoming more flushed out. I look forward to the discussion, and I plan to let it be over some time, not all at once. This forum thread has been very helpful and educational! I'm greatly appreciative. 2
Hannah04 Posted July 25, 2024 Report Posted July 25, 2024 2 minutes ago, RopeDaddy said: Yes, I agree with it all, and I know the importance of that conversation, discussion. The dilemma, me being new as a Daddy, is pinning down what those wants are. I have a growing list of questions for her. I also have a journal for me where I'm working to flush out exactly what it is that I want from a DDlg relationship -- beyond the surface level: loving caring dom me, little obedient/bratty her. This is helping, my wish is becoming more flushed out. I look forward to the discussion, and I plan to let it be over some time, not all at once. This forum thread has been very helpful and educational! I'm greatly appreciative. I would ask her those questions because it may help you figure out what she wants.
RopeDaddy Posted July 27, 2024 Author Report Posted July 27, 2024 Sadly, It appears my little no longer wishes to talk, but all this help and these resources have been greatly beneficial. I look forward to putting it all into practice soon! Thank you
OuO Alexibaaa Posted October 9, 2024 Report Posted October 9, 2024 (edited) I might be alone in thinking this, but anybody giving you a safeword right off the bat like that... yeah, no. I feel like you dodged a bullet with this one. Kinks should, imho, always come *after* the vanilla talks. If anything, she sounds painfully unaware of what DDLG actually is, and is just desperate to call her partner daddy. Good luck on finding your little! Edited October 9, 2024 by OuO Alexibaaa
Recommended Posts
Create an account or sign in to comment
You need to be a member in order to leave a comment
Create an account
Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!
Register a new accountSign in
Already have an account? Sign in here.
Sign In Now