Unable to express my thoughts, need some help

[LittleMomi]

Hi, It's Momi, I've been quite silent for months..

I often find myself feeling blocked and unable to express my thoughts and feelings to my Best friend, who also plays a significant role as a caregiver or "daddy" figure in my life. This emotional barrier is deeply frustrating and affects our relationship, also he's not at all into the DDLG thing, he's a Master not a Daddy, he's trying to soften himself for me. I'm struggling to understand why this happens and, more importantly, how I can overcome it.

A significant part of my difficulty stems from past traumas. I have endured SV at the hands of others, which has left deep scars on my psyche. These experiences have created an immense fear of vulnerability, for a lot of time I thought I was asexual and I didn't like s3x at all but I do like it. When I try to open up, memories of the abuse resurface, and I become paralyzed by the fear of being judged, misunderstood, or hurt again. This fear extends even to someone I care about deeply and trust, like my partner.

Additionally, I find that the things that arouse me are also the ones that terrify me the most. It feels like an internal conflict where I can't engage in sexual activity without incorporating these elements, yet they also trigger intense fear. This duality complicates my sexual experiences and emotional well-being. Because I feel kinda guilty for this.

I am seeking guidance on how to move past these traumatic experiences. What steps can I take to heal from the SV I endured and build a sense of safety and trust in my current relationship? How can I start to dismantle the walls that these traumas have built around my ability to communicate openly and honestly? How do I reconcile these conflicting emotions of arousal and fear in a healthy way?

Moreover, I am curious about how others have navigated similar complexities in their sexual and emotional lives. How did you find the strength to confront and overcome your past traumas? What strategies or therapies have been effective for you in reconciling fear and desire? How do you balance these intense emotions and ensure a fulfilling and safe sexual experience? Does your caregiver take care of this kinda thing? I am eager to learn from those who have walked this path before me and have successfully reclaimed their voice and confidence.

Understanding that this journey is deeply personal, I would appreciate any insights or advice you can offer. Your experiences and wisdom could be invaluable as I work towards healing and developing a stronger, more open connection with my daddy and with myself too.

 

Momi xx

[libbyshome]

Your post affected me deeply as I read it. My heart aches for the trauma you have experienced, while at the same time it also rejoices at the strength and bravery you have for sharing and seeking help and guidance.  

I cannot give you any specific advice because that is so far outside my area of expertise that it would be irresponsible of me to do that.  but what I will say is very simply, you are stronger and more resilient than you might realize.

I'm sure there are support groups and professionals out there that can give you more help than I ever could, but I couldn't read what you wrote without expressing my awe over what I saw and while I'm repeating myself... What I saw was a very strong, brave and resilient person. 

I hope you find what you need.  I don't know you, but I am rooting for you big time!

[puppyskull]

Hey there... I hope my advice helps a bit...

1) Understand how you feel. Sometimes we feel something but we don't fully get it's origin or how it affects us. Try different methods to know yourself more. Sometimes writing a journal or recording yourself talking about your problems like a podcast helps... Write/speak as much as you want without any guilt. I find that writing a journal works for me because a) I decide when and what to write, b) It helps me evaluate different scenarios for the same problem. Maybe talk to someone outside of your dynamic so you can get a different perspective. Therapy is always an option, too.

2) Communication and honesty is key. Once you understand a bit better yourself, find the best way to tell your partner how you feel and what you want, it could be by chat, by a long email, through a letter, etc. You say this person is your best friend and also your caregiver, so take that in mind when thinking about what you want for your relationship... A best friend is someone who supports you no matter what, and a caregiver is someone who takes care of you. You have two different dynamics there, so you can work together to see how you want things to be. Listen to your partner. You say he's more of a master and not a daddy... I'd recommend not forcing anything just to make the other person happy... It usually doesn't work. 

3) Take your time. Since you have trauma around intercourse, I think you should re-start with physical touch slowly. There are some useful apps to reconnect with your partner... You can start with simple things like holding hands and touching each others face and arms... Talk thoroughly on how you feel while doing it, how you would like him to do it, etc. Go slow! Then when you feel comfortable you can move on to more personal areas, and repeat the process. 

I'd suggest maybe trying out more non sexual activities until you feel more confident. 

I also struggle with this type of trauma and it's not easy. There's not a simple answer for this problem... 

I wish you the best of lucks 🍀

Edited July 22, 2024 by puppyskull