Insecurities concerning being a daddy

[Gamerdaddy94]

Hey guys.

 

So in march this year I joined the forum explaining who I was and that I have, honestly, alot of insecurities concerning my role as a daddy to my little boyfriend. Ever since I've never taken the step to actually talk about it on here but I've definitely thought about it, and I guess I should take that step now. I'm hoping to get much needed advice and hopefully some comforting words as well since I'm quite an emotional person and tend to talk down on myself or blame mysef for things, but I shan't ask for them since that's kinda weird. 😛 So yeah, here goes.

 

I've been with my boyfriend for 11,5 years now, and we've been through thick and thin together. About 6 years ago he gathered the courage to tell me about his desire to be a little. Well, not specifically to be a little since that's his most recent finding which he made a couple years ago, but he did admit that he wanted to be submissive and for me to be dominant over him in one way or another. So we tried several things, several dynamics, and we eventualy landed on him being the little and my being the daddy. It's what he's most comfortable with and what makes him feel best. Naturally (well, naturally for me), I do what I can too make him happy.

 

What I struggle with intensely, though, is figuring out how to make it enjoyable for myself, as well as not being so freaking insecure about everything I do. He likes to be disciplined by being put in the corner, for example. Or by being spanked for misbehaving, including sort of tiers of punishments based on the behavior. And as much as we've talked about it for years now, I still feel incredibly insecure about everything. I'd love to like all of it and I really try to do my best and to do everything right, but while I'm doing these things I'm always so incredibly focused on doing it right (and mostly just wondering if I'm even doing it right) that I'm not really enjoying any of it. Often, this just brings me to tears either before or after, as it is typing this. It's stupid. Why's this getting to me so much and why can't I just be a ''normal'' daddy and just be good at this stuff, you know?

 

I'm starting to go on a bit of an emotional rant so I need to calm down lol. But what I guess I'm asking is, how do other daddies do it without worrying about what they're doing? We've tried having weekly sessions where writes in a diary about the week that had passed and he'd read it to me while laying over my lap, and often we'd discuss it a bit after. He'd usually just tell me what had taken place, how he liked it and usually there'd be a tip or two. But we stopped doing that because in the end, all I could really remember were the tips which just made me more worried that I wasn't doing things right.

 

My boyfriend tries talking to me about it but he often gets frustrated (understandably) because he'd like to know what -I- like in the dynamic and what -I- like sexually but I fear that the porn addiction I had during most of my childhood and part of my adult life ruined my ''appetite'' or something 'cause I simply don't know what I like. Sometimes I think I might have lost interest in actually having sex.

 

Before anyone suggests it I'll beat you to it and admit that I often wonder if the DDLB lifestyle is even for me. But I refuse to believe that it can't be and I can't imagine how horrible I'd feel if I can't give him the lifestyle he really wants. I should be able to enjoy it, or at least not be so fucking insecure about it and just do it for him.

 

Help? 😅

 

(Sorry if I posted this in the wrong section.)

Edited July 8, 2024 by Gamerdaddy94

[beanbean]

I mean what I would say does you little seem unhappy are is it you stressing about it and he is happy?I know how incredibly difficult it is to say something like this but how much harder it is to put it in to action.but if he is happy maybe your not doing anything wrong at all .or maybe you just don't enjoy punishing him that happens too . I would talk to your boyfriend and see if there is something you both can do to work it out 

[RavenclawPrincess]

I'm not a caregiver myself but I've had caregiver friends that would talk about journaling/taking notes as a way to "review" their experiences either individually or with their little and it seems helpful for figuring out where bad feelings/insecurities come from and that sort of objective analysis via writing things down and looking over them after calming down could help with figuring out solutions. I'm not sure if that sort of a method would be helpful for you personally but I think it's worth a try especially considering you had your little doing a journal at least for some period of time.

 

It sounds like some of your issue involves a need for self-reflection due to the fact that as you said, you don't necessarily know what you like and get caught up in feeling bad.  I kind of get the impression that you have some deep-rooted feelings towards yourself that can be tricky to sort through, and therapy could be a good option for working through those feelings outside of the dynamic if you aren't already doing that and think you could benefit from outside help on a professional level.

 

It sounds like your heart is in the right place with your willingness to accommodate your partner but don't forget that you also deserve accommodation, and doing the work to figure out what you like/don't like could make a big difference in how you're feeling. There's any number of punishments/rewards and other aspects of engaging in a dynamic with a partner that could be utilized, it's just a matter of realizing what works well for both of you. It sounds like your partner is on board and wants you to be happy in your dynamic as well, so it might be a matter of personal fact gathering/getting to know yourself some more especially where kink lifestyle is involved so you two can adjust accordingly to make everyone happier and more comfortable. Remember that safe, sane, and consensual means that everyone involved is enjoying what's going on and it's ok for you and your partner to do things your own way, there's no need to try to shove anyone into a mold that doesn't fit. 

[Gamerdaddy94]

3 hours ago, beanbean said:

I mean what I would say does you little seem unhappy are is it you stressing about it and he is happy?I know how incredibly difficult it is to say something like this but how much harder it is to put it in to action.but if he is happy maybe your not doing anything wrong at all .or maybe you just don't enjoy punishing him that happens too . I would talk to your boyfriend and see if there is something you both can do to work it out 

Well he's not entirely happy at the moment because we've been on a bit of a hiatus but we've actually had a pretty good talk tonight, I'm really happy with that. We got a bit closer to understanding eachother and I think I was able to finally understand a little more of what I enjoy in the dynamic and how I'm best able to enjoy it. You're right about something, though. I don't really enjoy punishing him. Not because it's him getting punished or anything, it's just kind of boring to me...

 

3 hours ago, RavenclawPrincess said:

I'm not a caregiver myself but I've had caregiver friends that would talk about journaling/taking notes as a way to "review" their experiences either individually or with their little and it seems helpful for figuring out where bad feelings/insecurities come from and that sort of objective analysis via writing things down and looking over them after calming down could help with figuring out solutions. I'm not sure if that sort of a method would be helpful for you personally but I think it's worth a try especially considering you had your little doing a journal at least for some period of time.

 

It sounds like some of your issue involves a need for self-reflection due to the fact that as you said, you don't necessarily know what you like and get caught up in feeling bad.  I kind of get the impression that you have some deep-rooted feelings towards yourself that can be tricky to sort through, and therapy could be a good option for working through those feelings outside of the dynamic if you aren't already doing that and think you could benefit from outside help on a professional level.

 

It sounds like your heart is in the right place with your willingness to accommodate your partner but don't forget that you also deserve accommodation, and doing the work to figure out what you like/don't like could make a big difference in how you're feeling. There's any number of punishments/rewards and other aspects of engaging in a dynamic with a partner that could be utilized, it's just a matter of realizing what works well for both of you. It sounds like your partner is on board and wants you to be happy in your dynamic as well, so it might be a matter of personal fact gathering/getting to know yourself some more especially where kink lifestyle is involved so you two can adjust accordingly to make everyone happier and more comfortable. Remember that safe, sane, and consensual means that everyone involved is enjoying what's going on and it's ok for you and your partner to do things your own way, there's no need to try to shove anyone into a mold that doesn't fit. 

So the journaling thing is actually what we did for quite a while, yeah. He'd lay over my lap and read to me what he'd written about the week before and there'd be some tips but also just a general idea of how he experiences things, what he likes and dislikes, etc. There's essentially nothing wrong with it, but I tend to allow the tips to outweigh everything else by a ton.

Concerning the deep-rooted feelings towards myself you're definitely right. I've actually gone to therapy a couple times already and finished my last session only recently and recently got a diagnosis for anxiety. One thing I'm always afraid of is not being good enough for my boyfriend, and for as long as he's known me I've always put myself aside to do anything he wants. It's something I've been working on for the last year orso, maybe two. I struggle giving myself some space as well, but I definitely try these days. At least to understand that my needs are just as important, EVEN if they don't exactly align with his or anyone elses.

Like I said to beanbean, we actually had quite a good talk today. I'm quite glad that we did 'cause I managed to understand myself a bit better. Came to realise that I prefer the dynamic to be a bit more chill and more spread out over the week instead of concentrated on the weekends.

 

Thanks for reading and responding, btw. I hate to be naggy and all 'me me me' but I felt the need to vent somewhere I'd be safe to do so.

[RavenclawPrincess]

I think having a conversation about the issue with your partner is a great step to take! Don't be afraid to bring up the things you need to talk to him about/need help working through as needed. I'm not really sure of any other ideas to offer for your consideration other than pointing out that it might help your confidence to implement you being able to get some form of reassurance, either during after care (doms should get after care that they need too!) or maybe have a feedback session weekly/whenever that focuses more on the positives/what you do right to help you remember that you don't just do everything wrong. Feedback on improvements that could be made/tips can be helpful, but it seems like that sort of thing is backfiring a bit and you also need more reminders about the positive side of the coin for the sake of helping out your mental health. I'm sure there's also plenty of things that you do right that your little would be glad to point out if it helps mitigate some of your negative feelings. 

 

No worries! This is a great place to get some perspective and advice from others in the community and you don't need to feel bad for bringing up the problems you're currently having when you're looking for someone to talk to about it. No one on this site is obligated to respond to you if they don't want to so it's a safe bet that the people replying want to engage in the conversation and you don't need to feel any guilt or shame over it. 

[Hannah04]

I am not a daddy but I have been a caregiver/mommy and one thing that always helped me and my little is just simply communicating which y'all have done, sometimes my littles would like something or would want me to do something and I just couldn't get into it and I would talk to them about how I felt and I would have them view it from my point of view, and if I just wasn't into something I would tell them straight up and I hated to do that because I knew it was something they liked but I didn't want to do it if I didn't like and be bad at it. I am also a little and some of past caregivers weren't into some things that I was and for the sake of them I pushed it away because I didn't want to cause a disturbance in our relationship. I even had one guy who loved me being a sub but wasn't into the whole little thing and so I sometimes pushed it away or I would find a platonic caregiver. I guess what I am saying to sum it up is that communication is important even if someone gets frustrated during the talk it lets both of y'all know each others feelings without saying them.