The difficulty of asking for things

[Verbose Validator]

In the course of my caregiving over the years, I've noticed that all of my littles have had one thing in common: struggling to ask for things.

 

This, of course, is extremely understandable, but with this struggle there often comes a sort of embarrassment or a feeling of foolishness. Sometimes they don't even know what to ask for, other times they are too shy or even scared.

If it can put anyone's mind at ease or help offer perspective, I'd like to share my thoughts on the matter.

 

To the little first: if you've ever struggled with asking for anything, there can be many explanations. It's normal and to be expected, especially if you've had a history of being dismissed, disappointed or made to feel like you had to work to be "good enough" at any point in your life.

 

Particularly, those who have been gaslit and belittled/patronized can easily get it in their head that they shouldn't ask for anything. Either because they think they won't get it or perhaps even that they don't deserve it. These ideas, while untrue, can be deep rooted and can take a lot of work to recover from.

 

Whether you are embarking on your journey of self discovery or are many years into it, it's important to remember that you're not alone. This is a common struggle that can be worked through and triumphed over. As with anything worth gaining, it simply takes a bit of effort to sort out.

Trusting others is difficult as it is; in the capacity of a little/CG or sub/dom relationship, it can be ever more difficult.

If you find someone to build trust with, it is important to begin to ask for things. It may feel selfish or strange, but you will actually be doing a great favor to your CG. There are few things as fulfilling as being able to give a little what they want, and many caregivers are left scratching their heads trying to guess when there's no communication.

 

It's hard at first, but it gets easier. Starting out with small things is a great way to practice. Any CG who becomes upset by the question alone is likely unfit to be a CG in the first place.

Remember, wanting things is not selfish: we all need things to survive, but real living happens when we can be fulfilled and help fulfill the needs and desires of others! These are the fundamentals of any successful relationship, not as a "quid pro quo" but as a symbiotic pairing.

 

To the CG: patience, friend. It can be frustrating to deal with a little/middle that doesn't ask (or doesn't know how to ask) for things. Be gentle and try to offer ideas, but don't fall into the trap of constantly being the "giver" of ideas. It's healthy for littles to think for themselves and to stretch their minds. Trauma can be so hard to work through and few things help more than patience and adaptability from a trusted source.

It can also be helpful to ask for things from them. Again, it may feel selfish, but most littles/middles are happy to do things for their CGs. Often we must be the example. The relationship becomes much more natural that way and soon asking for things for both parties becomes second nature!