New daddy needing lots of help

[LearningToDaddy]

Hi everyone, this is my first post on the forum. I've been in a relationship with my little for a year now, and we've had our ups and downs, but the downs are mostly my fault. 

I'm 19 and she is 21. She wants a daddy who is strong and makes her feel safe and secure. She needs someone who can hold her hand and guide her through whatever troubles she faces, and she needs someone who can comfort and coddle her when she’s upset.

l was told this when we started dating, and promised her I would try to become everything she wanted, but my progress has been extremely slow and leads to us fighting/her getting upset frequently. 

I've tried asking her what she likes or how I can do better, but she is unable to put exactly what she wants from me into words. I’ve tried looking across the internet for advice, too, but it’s all generalized and doesn’t work for me. I’m young, inexperienced, and new to ddlg, so I really need someone to hold my hand so that I can hold hers. I’m hoping you all can give help tailored to my circumstances.

I care about our relationship more than anything in the world, and want to do better for her, so I’ve made a list of things I need to improve about myself. All of these things are related to each other, and if I’m able to improve them, they would all work in tandem to make her very happy.

 

1. Comforting - one of the biggest issues I have with my little is that I’m almost never able to comfort her in the way she wants when she’s upset. When she’s upset, I become very hesitant with what I say to her because it is very easy to make her angrier. My hesitancy also upsets her, because she doesn’t like it when I go quiet. When we started dating, I tried to “solve” her problems for her by using logic and talking her through them, which was the wrong play. Through repeated failures, I was finally told I need to “focus on handling the emotions,” but I struggle extremely with that. She tells me I need to “baby” her, but I don’t know how to do that either. When she repeatedly comes to me stressed out about her appearance or how she’s unprepared for an exam, what am I supposed to do? When she refuses to say a word to me after I upset her, what am I supposed to do? 

 

2. Inexperience - me being unable to comfort my little in certain situations is highly due to inexperience. For example, she has a very hard time finding clothes she likes and feels she can’t leave the house or her room till she’s dressed properly, but feels like nothing can ever look good on her. She wanted me to help her find a style and tell her what looks good on her, but she tells me I’m not helpful. I think everything looks good on her and because I don’t know anything about fashion or really clothing in general, but I like the way she looks in the clothes she shows me. She doesn’t have anyone else to talk about fashion with, so she gets very upset that I can’t help her. I know experience comes with time, but I need to figure out at least something so I'm not useless when she comes to me. What do I do?

 

3. My voice - my little tells me I often sound nasally and that she can’t stand that type of voice. There are times when I’m talking and she goes quiet or gets very upset because of my voice. And, there are times where she’s upset and my voice only makes things worse. My voice is a little deep, so I can speak more calmly and with a lower tone, but I can’t seem to do that when I’m with her. How do you talk to a little? What do you want your voice to sound like? How do I sound more like a daddy and less like a boy?

 

4. Power dynamic - For whatever reason the power dynamic we have is always askew when she’s angry. When she’s with me (for the most part) she’s happy and behaves like my little girl, but when we’re texting or calling and she gets upset she doesn’t act like a little girl and is usually rude to me. I shouldn’t let her rude behavior slide, but pointing it out only seems to make things worse and when I point it out after she’s calmed down she tells me she feels bad but can’t control it because she has poor control over her emotions. Sometimes she tells me she feels like she can’t respect me because of all the things I’ve listed: not very confident, annoying voice, young and inexperienced, doesn’t make her feel safe and secure when she’s upset. What can I do to regain power?

There is a lot more I could write, but I think it’d be better to respond to comments and add more information instead. I don’t expect anyone to give me advice or solutions to all of these issues at once, so any help is appreciated.

Also, the way I’m describing our relationship makes it seem like it’s full of misery, but that’s not the case. We have plenty more ups than downs, the downs just hit much harder because of my incompetence. I know it won't be that way forever and that I can change. I want to change.

 

TLDR:  I’m young and don’t know how to be a proper dd/cg for my little, which frustrates and upsets her. I need to fix my voice, our relationship’s power dynamic, my lack of experience, and learn how to properly comfort her when she’s upset. Please help me.

[PrincessPeachy95x]

If she can’t communicate her needs, in my opinion you are not at fault for not guessing correctly. My advice would be using some communication tools together and work out needs from there. Loads of tools on google and probably here somewhere. Best of luck 🐼

[MoJo]

It takes two to tango. 
For now, I think providing her the space to express herself, your role as a Daddy to provide that safe space. You don’t need to “fix” the situation. That comes in a different setting. 
 

Respect is the basis of all dynamica, so her being rude is a no go. Being bratty is fine but as long as it doesnt cross the boundaries of respect. 
 

generally, I suggest reading more about Domination and submission since ddlg can/is considered a subset of the D/s dynamic. 
 

 

[Punographer]

This sounds like a tough situation to be in and you've taken a good step in trying to get input on how you can be a better daddy. I am not a daddy/mommy but have strong caretaker tendencies. So here are my two cents.

1. Comforting - one of the biggest issues I have with my little is that I’m almost never able to comfort her in the way she wants when she’s upset. When she’s upset, I become very hesitant with what I say to her because it is very easy to make her angrier. My hesitancy also upsets her, because she doesn’t like it when I go quiet. When we started dating, I tried to “solve” her problems for her by using logic and talking her through them, which was the wrong play. Through repeated failures, I was finally told I need to “focus on handling the emotions,” but I struggle extremely with that. She tells me I need to “baby” her, but I don’t know how to do that either. When she repeatedly comes to me stressed out about her appearance or how she’s unprepared for an exam, what am I supposed to do? When she refuses to say a word to me after I upset her, what am I supposed to do? 

• Perhaps reverse roleplaying would help a lot here for you to understand what she wants and for her to see what your perception of her is. Might need to preface the purpose of this and the outcome you'd like to see.
• Research Research Research!!! If you are ever unsure or lacking knowledge/confidence the internet has so many resources to help put more tools on your belt. 
• Now tying in the research and applying it to ddlg. As an example, I looked up how to help a stressed student who is unprepared for an exam. From what it sounds is like your little doesn't want the responsibility of taking the exam and would like to be babied, sheltered, and coddled. I didn't realize this but an article I was reading suggested a "calm kit" to which you might prepare for her and might put a stuffie, binky, and squeezy ball in. She can hug the stuffie and practice big breathing exercises with you. Now I don't know you or your little so this is an arbitrary example but apart of caretaking is learning to be flexible and creative to finding the best remedies. 

2. Inexperience - me being unable to comfort my little in certain situations is highly due to inexperience. For example, she has a very hard time finding clothes she likes and feels she can’t leave the house or her room till she’s dressed properly, but feels like nothing can ever look good on her. She wanted me to help her find a style and tell her what looks good on her, but she tells me I’m not helpful. I think everything looks good on her and because I don’t know anything about fashion or really clothing in general, but I like the way she looks in the clothes she shows me. She doesn’t have anyone else to talk about fashion with, so she gets very upset that I can’t help her. I know experience comes with time, but I need to figure out at least something so I'm not useless when she comes to me. What do I do?

• The clothing thing, I personally feel like is a universal guy issue. xD My partner has similar feelings about how things look on me then I just kick him out because I'm frustrated. haha.
• If your little likes structure then perhaps putting in conditions like their out fit should contain black and white or should be inspired by beauty and the beast and she has to tell you a story about it when she is done. Make it fun! My personal approach is to make things into games where everyone can win. 
• Outside of being little, in her more vanilla day to day is she someone who likes being stylish? Maybe create a fashion pinterest board with her on her style as a bonding exercise. OR even have her create on with you.
• Unfortunately there is not much you can do about being unprepared besides learning in the moment, researching, and showing up better for next time. Other than that you just have to keep living your life to gain the experience.
   

3. My voice - my little tells me I often sound nasally and that she can’t stand that type of voice. There are times when I’m talking and she goes quiet or gets very upset because of my voice. And, there are times where she’s upset and my voice only makes things worse. My voice is a little deep, so I can speak more calmly and with a lower tone, but I can’t seem to do that when I’m with her. How do you talk to a little? What do you want your voice to sound like? How do I sound more like a daddy and less like a boy?

• This one rubbed off on me the wrong way. Someone doesn't like my voice and tells me to change but wants my affection? Uh no, they can fuck off. If your natural voice is nasally to her and she doesn't like it then she can go. There's nothing more insulting than someone telling you that they don't like you at your base self. 
• How to sound more like a daddy? It's having the confidence factor of knowing who you are and what values you will not let people compromise. Now if you are talking about actual sound, there is no one true way a daddy should need to sound like because some daddy's sound like a boy when baby talking to their littles! haha

4. Power dynamic - For whatever reason the power dynamic we have is always askew when she’s angry. When she’s with me (for the most part) she’s happy and behaves like my little girl, but when we’re texting or calling and she gets upset she doesn’t act like a little girl and is usually rude to me. I shouldn’t let her rude behavior slide, but pointing it out only seems to make things worse and when I point it out after she’s calmed down she tells me she feels bad but can’t control it because she has poor control over her emotions. Sometimes she tells me she feels like she can’t respect me because of all the things I’ve listed: not very confident, annoying voice, young and inexperienced, doesn’t make her feel safe and secure when she’s upset. What can I do to regain power?

• I think you both should be asking why you what to be in a power dynamic. What do you both like/dislike about it? Are you both willing to put in the work to improve it? How often are you partaking in a power dynamic? What does it look like? How far does it go and where are the limitations?
• What can you do to regain power? Reading all this it just sounds like you are just getting slogged and feels like your giving up your own power. Take some self care for yourself and know that yeah you might be not very confident, young and inexperienced but oh man the journey is going to be amazing because you're working to be the best daddy you can be. Keep the positive self talk. 

You're doing great in asking for help and ideas. I would really like for you to think about your own needs because I hear a lot about what you are doing to care for your little and being the best daddy possible for her. DDlg can be so exciting but DO NOT lose yourself in another person and trying to be everything they need so quickly. Allow yourself some space and independence to grow. Being EVERYTHING someone needs is a tall ass glass to fill. Just strongly cautioning for you to take a step back and see if this relationship is right for you.

[sophieR]

I second what's been said so far.. you are looking at being a great caregiver but would like you to explore what kind of person you want to be, what your relationship needs to look like for you. It's an unfortunate thing, but sometimes people are just not compatible. 

As for your voice... If that is how you speak but sorry that's you. She kinda knew that about you beforehand... You can do voice training but again, how do you want to sound. Do you have a problem with being nasally. I don't think people usually have a problem with how they sound. I might think I sound like a squirrel but will I change. Hell no. That's who I am, I can't really change my natural pitch. 

As for on the phone being rude, that might be a way for her trying to push your buttons. Are you able to call time out and discuss it? Explain how you are feeling. 

I personally don't feel offended for a daddy to say the safe word and discuss something. As above, it takes two to tango. I always say a little job is to support the daddy so the daddy can fulfil his role. If I'm not doing the supporting role and collaborating, both of us are going to be lost. 

To be honest, it sounds like there's work on both sides to improve if you want it to work. Maybe invite her to the forum.. she could be the best little she can be. (Not sure if other littles disagrees but I find myself thinking of ways to make a daddy happy too as I could improve on myself)

[Lullaby]

I know almost nothing about DDLG dynamics, but I do a little bit about power in romantic relationships.  The reality of your situation is that she's in charge and she knows it, which is conflicting with the role that she wants to be in.  Of course there's more to the story than you could fit in your post, but everything you wrote is about you changing yourself in various attempts to please her - the opposite of dominance (even soft dominance).  She wants a daddy, but it sounds like you're her sub.  How are you supposed to guide her or make her feel safe if she has to be in charge when she doesn't want to be?

You asked what you can do to regain the power that you've given away.  The simple answer is to take it back.  The reason you feel powerless is that you need her more than she needs you.  You'll do anything to keep her approval and affection.  If you want the power back, you have to change that.  You have to (at least temporarily) stop framing the relationship around what she wants, and reframe it around what you want.  That means you need to know what you want. 

So what do you want?  

 

 

[beanbean]

16 minutes ago, Lullaby said:

I know almost nothing about DDLG dynamics, but I do a little bit about power in romantic relationships.  The reality of your situation is that she's in charge and she knows it, which is conflicting with the role that she wants to be in.  Of course there's more to the story than you could fit in your post, but everything you wrote is about you changing yourself in various attempts to please her - the opposite of dominance (even soft dominance).  She wants a daddy, but it sounds like you're her sub.  How are you supposed to guide her or make her feel safe if she has to be in charge when she doesn't want to be?

You asked what you can do to regain the power that you've given away.  The simple answer is to take it back.  The reason you feel powerless is that you need her more than she needs you.  You'll do anything to keep her approval and affection.  If you want the power back, you have to change that.  You have to (at least temporarily) stop framing the relationship around what she wants, and reframe it around what you want.  That means you need to know what you want. 

So what do you want?  

 

 

Just set your little down and talk get a piece of paper each and write down what your looking to get out of it and discuss and see if a ddlg relationship is right for y'all 

[Guest LAM]

Okay, so ... Uhm ....herm.... It's the lack of control over  her emotions and belittling you that's standing out right now, it's concerning. When that happens a line was crossed.... I have no idea what your relationship really looks like, but even in the heat of the moment... I DO know as a Sub (naturally) and as a human being and as a female, if I love and respect the man in my life, especially in a Dom/Daddy dynamic that there should be a full stop before your belittled by a little or a sub.... Your both inexperienced I can see, but that doesn't matter, that's basic principle for any relationship. Uhm... Maybe an actual therapist is needed if there are outbursts and extreme self esteem issues (that's not something a person can always fix in another) your support is what she needs, how it looks needs to be talked about CLEARLY. Even if the answer is 'i don't know'. It's not okay to be belittled for trying, if the other cannot communicate directly what is needed. Also, sometimes (this is my personal experience) if you try the best you can over and over again and it still falls flat I'd start looking at compatibility, especially in a ddlg or Dom/sub dynamic. Love looks different with different people, same as these roles. The change in the way your treated via phone is weird as well. Your not an annoyance, your her superior/caretaker in a sense. Idk. If this makes sense and you want to talk about it, reach out and I'll be here.   (I'm aware I may be wrong, and I'm aware I have my own faults as well, I hope this isn't seen as me being judgmental) 

[Guest LAM]

1 minute ago, LAM said:

Okay, so ... Uhm ....herm.... It's the lack of control over  her emotions and belittling you that's standing out right now, it's concerning. When that happens a line was crossed.... I have no idea what your relationship really looks like, but even in the heat of the moment... I DO know as a Sub (naturally) and as a human being and as a female, if I love and respect the man in my life, especially in a Dom/Daddy dynamic that there should be a full stop before your belittled by a little or a sub.... Your both inexperienced I can see, but that doesn't matter, that's basic principle for any relationship. Uhm... Maybe an actual therapist is needed if there are outbursts and extreme self esteem issues (that's not something a person can always fix in another) your support is what she needs, how it looks needs to be talked about CLEARLY. Even if the answer is 'i don't know'. It's not okay to be belittled for trying, if the other cannot communicate directly what is needed. Also, sometimes (this is my personal experience) if you try the best you can over and over again and it still falls flat I'd start looking at compatibility, especially in a ddlg or Dom/sub dynamic. Love looks different with different people, same as these roles. The change in the way your treated via phone is weird as well. Your not an annoyance, your her superior/caretaker in a sense. Idk. If this makes sense and you want to talk about it, reach out and I'll be here.   (I'm aware I may be wrong, and I'm aware I have my own faults as well, I hope this isn't seen as me being judgmental) 

Uhm I'd like to add that Daddies need care too. Dom's need care too. They need the support and understanding as well. You need that too. Your right to reach out.