A difficult situation I need help with

[LearningToDaddy]

Hi everyone, this is my first post on the forum. I've been in a relationship with my little for a year now, and we've had our ups and downs, but the downs are mostly my fault. 

I'm 19 and she is 21. She wants a daddy who is strong and makes her feel safe and secure. She needs someone who can hold her hand and guide her through whatever troubles she faces, and she needs someone who can comfort and coddle her when she’s upset.

l was told this when we started dating, and promised her I would try to become everything she wanted, but my progress has been extremely slow and leads to us fighting/her getting upset frequently. 

I've tried asking her what she likes or how I can do better, but she is unable to put exactly what she wants from me into words. I’ve tried looking across the internet for advice, too, but it’s all generalized and doesn’t work for me. I’m young, inexperienced, and new to ddlg, so I really need someone to hold my hand so that I can hold hers. I’m hoping you all can give help tailored to my circumstances.

I care about our relationship more than anything in the world, and want to do better for her, so I’ve made a list of things I need to improve about myself. All of these things are related to each other, and if I’m able to improve them, they would all work in tandem to make her very happy.

 

1. Comforting - one of the biggest issues I have with my little is that I’m almost never able to comfort her in the way she wants when she’s upset. When she’s upset, I become very hesitant with what I say to her because it is very easy to make her angrier. My hesitancy also upsets her, because she doesn’t like it when I go quiet. When we started dating, I tried to “solve” her problems for her by using logic and talking her through them, which was the wrong play. Through repeated failures, I was finally told I need to “focus on handling the emotions,” but I struggle extremely with that. She tells me I need to “baby” her, but I don’t know how to do that either. When she repeatedly comes to me stressed out about her appearance or how she’s unprepared for an exam, what am I supposed to do? When she refuses to say a word to me after I upset her, what am I supposed to do? 

 

2. Inexperience - me being unable to comfort my little in certain situations is highly due to inexperience. For example, she has a very hard time finding clothes she likes and feels she can’t leave the house or her room till she’s dressed properly, but feels like nothing can ever look good on her. She wanted me to help her find a style and tell her what looks good on her, but she tells me I’m not helpful. I think everything looks good on her and because I don’t know anything about fashion or really clothing in general, but I like the way she looks in the clothes she shows me. She doesn’t have anyone else to talk about fashion with, so she gets very upset that I can’t help her. I know experience comes with time, but I need to figure out at least something so I'm not useless when she comes to me. What do I do?

 

3. My voice - my little tells me I often sound nasally and that she can’t stand that type of voice. There are times when I’m talking and she goes quiet or gets very upset because of my voice. And, there are times where she’s upset and my voice only makes things worse. My voice is a little deep, so I can speak more calmly and with a lower tone, but I can’t seem to do that when I’m with her. How do you talk to a little? What do you want your voice to sound like? How do I sound more like a daddy and less like a boy?

 

4. Power dynamic - For whatever reason the power dynamic we have is always askew when she’s angry. When she’s with me (for the most part) she’s happy and behaves like my little girl, but when we’re texting or calling and she gets upset she doesn’t act like a little girl and is usually rude to me. I shouldn’t let her rude behavior slide, but pointing it out only seems to make things worse and when I point it out after she’s calmed down she tells me she feels bad but can’t control it because she has poor control over her emotions. Sometimes she tells me she feels like she can’t respect me because of all the things I’ve listed: not very confident, annoying voice, young and inexperienced, doesn’t make her feel safe and secure when she’s upset. What can I do to regain power?

There is a lot more I could write, but I think it’d be better to respond to comments and add more information instead. I don’t expect anyone to give me advice or solutions to all of these issues at once, so any help is appreciated.

Also, the way I’m describing our relationship makes it seem like it’s full of misery, but that’s not the case. We have plenty more ups than downs, the downs just hit much harder because of my incompetence. I know it won't be that way forever and that I can change. I want to change.

 

TLDR:  I’m young and don’t know how to be a proper dd/cg for my little, which frustrates and upsets her. I need to fix my voice, our relationship’s power dynamic, my lack of experience, and learn how to properly comfort her when she’s upset. Please help me.

[beanbean]

First off you are you and you can't change that I say communication is still very important. but you need to sit down before and see how your going to control the outbursts.if you decide to leave the outbursts go that's one thing but it might effect how she sees you as a Dom so it something you guys need to work on for sure . self control can be worked on . As for your voice I don't know if it's controllable. If she gets angry sometimes you need to give them time the come in and comfort when needed . hopefully some of this can help

[Little kaiya]

My point may be unpopular but it's something that I think is very important be raised and acknowledged. Being a little does not mean someone gets to abdicate the need to communicate their desires or blame everything on someone else.

A lot of what described sounds like she is putting all the onus, responsibility, accountability and pressure on you and that isn't how a relationship works. Blaming you for not knowing what she wants isn't fair and doesn't make sense. It isn't on you to be a mind reader, communication is a two way street. 

Being upset with you about clothing when you're expressing how you feel sounds more like you are being used as an emotional punching bag than you being unhelpful. Age has nothing to do with being a good Daddy. My Daddy was 18 when we got together and I was 39. He was and is a great Daddy because WE communicate and support one another. When things are one sided they fail. It sounds like you're putting in a lot of effort to make her happy but that the reciprocal support isn't there.

The voice part really made me angry to be honest. Your voice is your voice. Her being upset with something that is part of you and isn't controllable sounds way more like emotional abuse than anything helpful or valid.

You've placed all the blame on yourself but where is her part in the relationship? Where are her efforts other than just blaming you? At the end you stated all the thing you need to fix but even if you do that it sounds like she's going to just demand more and more without putting in her part of the effort.

 

 

[beanbean]

56 minutes ago, Little kaiya said:

My point may be unpopular but it's something that I think is very important be raised and acknowledged. Being a little does not mean someone gets to abdicate the need to communicate their desires or blame everything on someone else.

A lot of what described sounds like she is putting all the onus, responsibility, accountability and pressure on you and that isn't how a relationship works. Blaming you for not knowing what she wants isn't fair and doesn't make sense. It isn't on you to be a mind reader, communication is a two way street. 

Being upset with you about clothing when you're expressing how you feel sounds more like you are being used as an emotional punching bag than you being unhelpful. Age has nothing to do with being a good Daddy. My Daddy was 18 when we got together and I was 39. He was and is a great Daddy because WE communicate and support one another. When things are one sided they fail. It sounds like you're putting in a lot of effort to make her happy but that the reciprocal support isn't there.

The voice part really made me angry to be honest. Your voice is your voice. Her being upset with something that is part of you and isn't controllable sounds way more like emotional abuse than anything helpful or valid.

You've placed all the blame on yourself but where is her part in the relationship? Where are her efforts other than just blaming you? At the end you stated all the thing you need to fix but even if you do that it sounds like she's going to just demand more and more without putting in her part of the effort.

I

56 minutes ago, Little kaiya said:

My point may be unpopular but it's something that I think is very important be raised and acknowledged. Being a little does not mean someone gets to abdicate the need to communicate their desires or blame everything on someone else.

A lot of what described sounds like she is putting all the onus, responsibility, accountability and pressure on you and that isn't how a relationship works. Blaming you for not knowing what she wants isn't fair and doesn't make sense. It isn't on you to be a mind reader, communication is a two way street. 

Being upset with you about clothing when you're expressing how you feel sounds more like you are being used as an emotional punching bag than you being unhelpful. Age has nothing to do with being a good Daddy. My Daddy was 18 when we got together and I was 39. He was and is a great Daddy because WE communicate and support one another. When things are one sided they fail. It sounds like you're putting in a lot of effort to make her happy but that the reciprocal support isn't there.

The voice part really made me angry to be honest. Your voice is your voice. Her being upset with something that is part of you and isn't controllable sounds way more like emotional abuse than anything helpful or valid.

You've placed all the blame on yourself but where is her part in the relationship? Where are her efforts other than just blaming you? At the end you stated all the thing you need to fix but even if you do that it sounds like she's going to just demand more and more without putting in her part of the effort.

 

 

The voice part really seemed crazy to me . That's something that can't be controlled 

[libbyshome]

I realize that we are only getting a snippet of your dynamics with your little girl and that there is a lot more going on. With that being said, the things you listed and how you described what you felt you needed to fix, raised a number of red flags for me.  I agree with Little kaiya...communication is a two way street. I'll add to that that a healthy relationship takes all parties involved putting forth effort and not dumping everything on just one person and expecting things to work. That will only lead to resentment. 

You say you never know how to comfort your little girl when she gets upset, etc. This is a prime example of how communication is essential. Since I'm guessing you are not a mind reader or psychic, the best way to know what she needs is for her to tell you. Not when she is feeling little or upset, but when the two of you are able to talk candidly as adults.  Maybe she needs a hug or to be held, maybe some quiet time coloring or reading would work wonders, maybe cuddling while watching tv. Or maybe she is stressed out and needs a spanking or time in the corner to focus on things but doesn't know how to ask, so she acts out hoping you'll figure it out.  You will never fully know if she doesn't tell you.  

That leads to the second point you mentioned, inexperience.  Again, communication is key here. She is well aware that this is new to you. It sounds like she's thrown you into the deep end with weights on without a lifeline.  Did you by any chance talk about what you both wanted and needed in the relationship? What you were comfortable with? What your limits might be? This is a relationship where someone is gifting the other with their submission and trust. Were rules, guidelines, rewards and punishments discussed? Were you given any information as to what she wants and needs? Did you do the same for her? Were safe words mentioned? This is still a form of D/s, even if it is on the softer side. They're not just for the submissive or little, but for the Dom or Daddy as well. Anyway, as far as inexperience goes, the best advice I can give is communicate, be patient and give it time.

Your third thing you mentioned needing to fix or work on simply made me angry with your little girl.  If she has a problem with your voice...that's really her problem, not yours.  If by your voice she means that there are times when she needs to hear a firmness and a resolve in it especially if she's being a pill, then that is another thing altogether. And that will come from experience. 

Your last concern listed can be fixed through, and brace yourself because it's a shocker....COMMUNICATION!!!  See my paragraph on inexperience for ideas on how you can lay the foundation for the power dynamic you both seem to want.  Once that foundation is laid, she needs to not top from the bottom or in other words, accept your authority and decisions as her Daddy. Her sense of security will come from having boundaries and from you reminding her of them in whatever manner you both agreed upon. For example, you say she can get rude and that pointing it out only makes things worse. How differently would she respond if one of her rules/guidelines/boundaries (whatever you want to call them) was that if she was rude, the consequence would be to stand in the corner for a certain amount of time reflecting on her behavior... Or writing a lines like "I will not be rude to Daddy" or "I'm sorry I was rude to Daddy" a certain number of times. She would know in advance what she could expect from being rude and you standing firm and following through would give her a sense of security.  Not only would she know what to expect, you'd also know what to do which would make you less hesitant and more confident in your role as Daddy. 

I could go on and on...but I shall step down off my soap box and simply wish you all the best. I hope you both figure out and get what you need....and kudos to you for reaching out for help and guidance. Your little girl is very lucky to have you.