Bunny’s place to brain dump <3

[xolilbunnyprincessxo]

******* The post that started it all******* Venting is therapeutic and an open diary gives a sense of release wether or not anyone reads or interacts with it 😂 so now that I’m done throwing a temper tantrum this is more of a daily brain dump of randomness. Part of me is like delete the bitch-fit but this is who I am lol it’s not the first and probably not the last. When I get hurt I cry and get angry and go through all of that mess but I’m also very loving and vulnerable so take it for what it is. Feel free to avoid the mess and skip ahead to page 2 🤣

 
So many feels. Mostly the big sads. He just up and left the day before Easter. It wouldn’t have been so bad if there was a discussion or a warning or a hey I can’t do this anymore I’m moving out on Monday but there was nothing. Just a text while I was at the zoo and he was safely 1.5 hours away with all of his stuff. Abandonment fear unlocked. I feel a lot better now than I did yesterday and better than I felt this morning when I woke up at 1:30am and was up for the day. I texted with him a bunch today to try and process and understand things and I get it but I don’t. I wouldn’t have made him stay if he just told me everything but I need time like 1 -2 days to come to terms and say goodbye. And part of me is like if he just stayed, if he just came to the zoo with us we had so much fun we went on the carousel and road the train and saw the gorillas hunt for Jello Easter eggs and after 3 hours at the zoo came home for a bit than out for smoothies and to the park and it was so nice and today we had Easter morning and took it slow until it was nice outside and went to the park for a few hours than to get ice cream and it was the kind of days we’ve been missing that just felt so good. I feel like he would have remembered how fun things were when we could get out all the time a big part of our relationship was going out and doing fun hikes and outdoor activities and up until now it’s been too cold so we haven’t had that great part of things. I just feel like he wouldn’t have wanted to leave anymore. I think I’m finally done crying and just at the acceptance stage of things but it hurts I have that weird headache and feeling in my stomach that comes with strong negative emotions. I’m not as angry I just feel sad maybe let down. But also I’m like it has to be me, what is so wrong with me. Was I not little enough, was I not what he expected.Was it because Our whole relationship dynamic changed when my daughter came to live with me, it’s a big adjustment and stressed me out and with a kid around you can’t exactly act certain ways. Plus the pull for attention from both of them It was hard. IDK I don’t know. I don’t like feeling this way. rawr. I just wish he would have come with us, it’s too late now but I it could have been so different.

Edited April 5, 2024 by xolilbunnyprincessxo
Change of direction :)

[beanbean]

As I grow older I tend to not overthink what happened and why or blame myself as much or rage.it still bad and I feel that but stuff happens and sometimes it's just better to move on  it still hurts but I know I am not in unhappy place in my life can't let anyone ruin that if something comes up great. But if not that's okay too but that's just me 

[xolilbunnyprincessxo]

I agree thinking about all the what ifs doesn’t change anything it’s just so easy to fall down that rabbit hole.  Lol I feel intensely. Although it helps just to word vomit it all out, I felt a bit of relief after just getting that all out. Like a little bit was swept away with the keyboard.

[Juju]

I'm am so very sorry you're having to go thru this!  

The "If only's" and the "What if's"  will turn you inside out and not make anything better. Believe me, I know! Over thinking it and basically blaming yourself, doesn't help either. Because it's not your fault. It takes two to make a relationship. And if one decides to leave, it's not necessarily anyone's fault. Especially when one decides to leave without discussing it first.

Focus on you and your daughter now. She should always come first no matter what. If he couldn't make things work, that's on him. Not you. And certainly not her. 

Things will get better. Just hang in there. Annnnnd breath. 

I hope this helps. Remember though, you're not alone. 

[beanbean]

26 minutes ago, xolilbunnyprincessxo said:

I agree thinking about all the what ifs doesn’t change anything it’s just so easy to fall down that rabbit hole.  Lol I feel intensely. Although it helps just to word vomit it all out, I felt a bit of relief after just getting that all out. Like a little bit was swept away with the keyboard.

And that's very normal we all do it from time to time it's what humans do I know it's got to be real hard .as the great Dory said just keep swimming all we can really do

[MissNMTX]

I'm so sorry you have to go through this. The timing does seem bad. A breakup at the holidays is the pits for sure!

I'm glad you reached out to communicate and at least try to get some resolution. Please don't blame being a mother for this...it's your most important job. The trick is and it is VERY tricky, is to find a partner that loves, supports, and encourages ALL the parts of you. I know, I know, easier said than done. Just know wanting good things for yourself is bad and there are people rooting for you.

[Daddy dom 82]

Sorry ur going through what u are , i have lost a few women they gave me a choice them or my son , needless to say my son won every time as a parent u will make the same choice , have kids can be hard but can be fun also. Depending their age u can still act little an play with them. The guy has to understand kids come first then so on . Then take time for ur self an the relationship. Their all right the what ifs will only eat at u an makes it hard to move on , yes it  hurts but does get better an easier as u go . Take time for u an ur child then try again when ur ready .. Dont think it was u , could be hes not ready to be a dad .. It dont take much to make a kid but takes a real man to be a dad to a child thats not hiis.. My self i have 1 child an im with a little who has 2 of her own , an if the next one has kids or wants kids so be it . Sorry so long just some of my life experience.. The right person or people will come along believe when it happens u will learn from what u been through an will know its right

[xolilbunnyprincessxo]

Thanks guys ❤️ IDK his kids where grown and he was really good with mine but it was a big change I don’t think the kiddo was problem but more all the changes I went through that dampened things. Going from living alone to single mom killed my budget all my extra money I was putting towards getting a house went straight to childcare it took me months to catch up after the costs of moving her down here that stressed me out than adjusting myself to no free time no gym my entire routine gone it was a lot for me so I probably changed quite a bit.  He was really good and there whenever we needed him. I just needed to get all the thoughts out in my post. When going through everything that could be wrong there is always some thoughts that are there but of little possibility. I don’t think at the core that was problem, he’s had a lot of stressful things going on too recently that now I’m just confused about because if he went through all of that because he thought I needed him to do that…. I didn’t. I knew his situation when we started dating I thought things changed on his end so I was just super supportive and proud of the actions he was taking but than there where some bumps in the road that I think he couldn’t figure out how to get over. He never talked about anything though so I had no idea what was going on or how he had started to feel towards me. He said he trying to be something he wasn’t to make me happy and I thought he was just being motivated. He made so many changes and actions during our relationship for himself I was so happy and proud but maybe that’s what was making him miserable because he didn’t really want to do those things for himself just to impress me. Which I feel bad that he felt that way because he was amazing when he decided to do something I think maybe he just took it too far. Oof who knows day 3 starting off feeling better than day 2 ended. We all have our flaws I sure have mine lol I used to tell him I don’t know how you put up with me because we where very different and I can be bossy and stubborn. Maybe he was right and it would have never worked out long term. I just saw so much potential in him as a partner and a person maybe that’s the problem though I saw what he could be not what he was. I am just picking up the pieces and working making my life better happier. It’s all I can do. I don’t think I’m angry anymore just bummed. I don’t like being alone so everything so sudden kind of got me real hard. 

[xolilbunnyprincessxo]

Ooof I cried on the way into work please don’t let me cry when people ask about my Easter weekend. I can do this. Going to go sit in the massage chair and set up the office for the day before anyone else gets here.

[Daddy dom 82]

you can do this

[xolilbunnyprincessxo]

So far so good. I tell you what a massage chair really hits when you’re sad. Talked to one of my coworkers about it that helped me feel better too. lol it’s like a lil emotional roller coaster. 

[xolilbunnyprincessxo]

Well I survived the day, having a poke bowl at the park while munchkin runs around. Didn’t feel much like cooking. 

[Hannah04]

Breakups are the worst especially when there is no communication on what happened for it to lead to it but it always helps to just talk and get all your feelings out so that they don't bottle up inside. I am glad you had a good day. You are strong you will get through this.

[xolilbunnyprincessxo]

Agreed the worst. All I can do is try a lil harder each day to get back to normal. 

[Hannah04]

Exactly, you focus on you now and if you ever need to vent you can always come to me.

[xolilbunnyprincessxo]

Day 3 is over I’m safe in my bed with all my squishmellows and ready for sleep. Here’s to a good night of sleep and a better day tomorrow. Hopefully no crying on the way to work lol. I did good picking up dinner at Publix and going to the park until 7 with the kiddo. Got outside got my steps while she played. Tomorrow I need to meal prep I had green beans and pineapple for lunch today and like 7 Linder truffles 😅

[xolilbunnyprincessxo]

Everything inside of me wants to scream this morning 🤫 

[beanbean]

Sometimes screaming does help

[xolilbunnyprincessxo]

Yeah but than you look crazy 🤪🤣

[xolilbunnyprincessxo]

Day 4 survived with no screaming. The mornings seem to be the worst for me and right before bed. I have to say having a job you love with awesome people helps a lot ❤️ So what better way to cure the sads than retail therapy. I just restarted the loan process with my mortgage guy and got back in contact with my realtor. Hopefully I can get approved and find something I like in my price range. Broke girl Ballin 😛 lol I hope anyways. I want my own house so bad, I've always wanted my own little house with land and chickens and garden space. I just never thought I'd be doing it myself or alone.

[xolilbunnyprincessxo]

Hoping to here back from the mortgage guy this afternoon  I submitted all my updated documents last night. Curious if I can afford the price range I need for a decent house in my area. I want small and rural I don’t like town homes or giant boogie houses. But I have no idea what I can afford yet to even start looking at places with the realtor. They don’t really like to show properties around here unless you have your finances secured first. Understandable though from a business standpoint. 

[xolilbunnyprincessxo]

I feel pretty decent today I just have that dull heavy feeling that sits in your chest, back of your throat, and head. It’s funny how there are physiological responses to psychological/emotional states. It puts the feel in feels lol.  

[beanbean]

Hopefully you start feeling even better😊

[xolilbunnyprincessxo]

Day 5 lol Today was pretty good. Got awesome news at work and had a good working day on top of that. I think this is just going to become my little diary thread. I feel better doing this. Texted a bit with the mortgage guy we have a phone call arranged for tomorrow. I really want a house. The only good side to this is that I use awful experiences to motivate me to do good thing. Discomfort is the mother of productivity I suppose. I’m just tired of being motivated lmao. Every man I’ve been with has made me harden a little, ya’ll wonder why there’s no soft girlies left. We try to be and ya’ll emotionally destroy us in one way or another. I think it hurts so much more in this relationship dynamic as well at least for some of us there’s an extra kind of attachment/longing for something we’ve been missing and to have someone fulfill 2 rolls and than just poof gone no notice….is crushing. I am very uptight on the outside and there’s a million reasons for that but to find someone I can be comfortable relaxing around and being little is such a special and trusting thing. It’s also something your partner has to nurture as well. I so easily fall into a masculine lead role  that I don’t want to be in at all I hate it all of it. I want to be taken care of, I want to be able to trust someone to take care of me, I want someone who just does shit because if I have to ask….I’m never going to ask because in my head “I should just do it myself because it’s not right to ask other people to do things or it’s not fair to a situation”  I was having a conflict with my daughter the one night because she needed to go to bed and I wasn’t going to read to her and it was frustrating and a bit drawn out and after my Ex new I was stressed and looked at me and was like do you want me to read you a bedtime story and everything inside of me was going yes, yes i really do but I didn’t answer him because I felt it was unfair for him to read to me when I refused to read to her, so we just went to bed and I cried because I felt like a horrible parent and he said some nice things trying to comfort me, I really wanted that story though. I hate that I fall into such a cranky adult role but when I’m tired, worried about how I’m budgeting, worried about being a shit parent, worried about how I’m supposed to clean everything and do all the things there’s no logical time for relaxing and letting go. I’d feel like I was being selfish and ignoring all these things that need taken care of.  

[beanbean]

Hopefully the good news keeps coming