Why don't you believe me? TW: mentions of medical trauma/gaslighting/extreme pain

[intothe_ravenwood]

*taps mic* 

I have no idea if anyone will read this, let alone respond. I'm in a bad headspace and just need to scream into the void for a second, so bear with me.

I'm so godsdamned tired of hurting.

A friend of mine (who is also a spoonie) sent me a tiktok not too long ago, that said "The normal level of pain is ZERO." That not even 15 second video absolutely wrecked me. Zero pain? What even is that?

I sat for probably about an hour the day I was sent that and honestly tried to recall the last time I didn't feel pain. 

Answer: I DON'T FUCKING REMEMBER. 

Because even as a child I felt this pain, not as bad as it is now, but it was still there and very real. I very clearly remember telling my doctor that I was in pain when I was maybe 7 or 8 and his response was that I shouldn't lie to get attention. After that I learned very quickly that no one would believe me, my own parents didn't even believe me.

How could a child know what pain is? I didn't LOOK sick. And if you don't look sick, you aren't sick. You're exaggerating. You're a hypochondriac. You're dramatic. Ultimately, you're just full of shit.

You want to know what happens to a kid when they are told over, and over, and over again that they couldn't possibly feel what they say they're feeling? That kid believes that. I internalized that. To this day, I downplay my pain. I hide my exhaustion behind humor. I disguise my misery with a smile.

Being gaslit my whole childhood about my own experience just lead me to not get help. EVER. Why would I? No one believed me before, what would be different now?

I've only just recently gone to the doctor for the first time in nearly 10 years. It was the same doctor that my friend (mentioned earlier) goes to and this doctor is the FIRST to actually listen, to believe me, to look at me and say "this isn't ok, you aren't imagining this." Which is amazing, don't misunderstand. But it's hard to have hope that anything will actually get better.

That's all I really want. I don't want the world. I just want to be okay.

I wish that didn't feel so impossible.

[Redneck-Kitty]

I'm so sorry you are going through so much. Feel free to message me if you need to talk more.