In need of advice?

[SweetIsMyMiddleName]

Hi all, 

I am a new account though not new to this forum. I was a member some time ago and was once a little. Forgive me for posting this here not sure where it fits and I certainly hope I don’t offend anybody by what I’m about to say but I am at the point where I don’t know where to go anymore. 
 

so I’ve been a submissive (as in identified not necessarily an indication of the number of years I’ve been participating) since I was 18 I’m now 37. I started out actually finding a mentor Dom who helped me get my footing when I was finally ready to take the leap into a D/s relationship. After we parted ways I had two DDlg relationships. One of them I was ghosted by my DD and the other broke up with me because he felt I couldn’t differentiate little me from adult me. He caused me a lot of pain with the breakup as I had just lost both my parents to terminal illness and I needed him more than he knew at the time. He was right though, I had lost myself and let myself get washed away in a little space that I never wanted to end. This was unhealthy for me and I later decided that any relationships from here on out would be just adult me (long story as to why I decided that and it’s complicated) and I let little me go. 

My next relationship ended up being a toxic vanilla relationship because I couldn’t deal with my parents passing and the loss of my previous Dom (I’m sure many of you know what it’s like to seperate from your partner in such a dynamic and try to figure things out on your own again). Anyway he came into my life and I just went with it but was obviously not satisfied and I ended the relationship. I had another Dom after that who just couldn’t commit to me time wise he had other things going on so this ended as well, and then eventually I met another man who was also vanilla and we gave it a shot. I actually fell madly in love with him and even though he was vanilla he didn’t seem put off or awkward when I told im that I am a submissive. I had already made some observations that he had some natural Dom like qualities and thought maybe with a little encouragement I could get him to express more of that and I tried but he tried to express to me that it wasn’t his thing but confusingly still projected such behaviour and qualities. I thought about it how I really felt about him and decided that I truly loved him and it didn’t matter if he didn’t want to.. maybe I could learn to just.. be? He ended up breaking up with me when I thought things were going great and left me heartbroken. 
 

To make things more complex, I have depression and GAD and don’t have the best mental health and have struggled to try work through all this myself. So here’s my question..

What do I do now? I know I can’t ignore my sub side if I go into another vanilla relationship I won’t be fully satisfied but I don’t think I can go back to being a little (please know I mean no offence by this and still respect this part of the community) and so I know I want another Dominant and I want a D/s relationship but how am I going to find a Dom now? Finding my forever partner just seems impossible and I’m tired of having waited even now 37 years for my person wherever he is. I also need to find a Dominant that will be ok with my mental health issues and be understanding and supportive. 
 

I came back to this forum because I remember feeling so safe here. I hope you all don’t mind.. 

Any advice is appreciated. Thank you. 

[beanbean]

Of course we don't mind having you here . Mostly you seem the know what you need yes I guess you should be looking for a Dom not a daddy and just never starting anything without explaining what you need and go from there

 

[SweetIsMyMiddleName]

Thank you, your response is appreciated and your kind welcome. Yes it gets hard to know what to do. Of course having had a DD, I know they can be great caregivers and so gentle and understanding when needed aside from the other aspects and I do wonder if I’ll find that the way I need it in another Dom in the future. But I just don’t feel taking the role of a little is right for me anymore but I’m still a big kid at heart that will never change. 
 

I am not wanting this to sound toxic in any way as I understand how this could be unhealthy but I wish I wasn’t alone right now. I wish I had my Dom whoever he is wherever he is.. I’m in much need of support and guidance. I would be lying if I said I don’t still have feeling for my last partner, I do, but I can’t make him want what he doesn’t want. I know it would take some work to get us into something that satisfies both our needs but I was hoping to get that chance. I even wanted to call him Master which I actually don’t do in D/s relationships. It’s been Daddy (I feel weird about that title now and I mean no offence only because my dad passed away and I love been struggling with my parents passing so the Daddy title isn’t something I can associate with right now) or Sir and I have always said no to the title Master as my personal preference but oddly, when I met him and felt so connected to him in many ways, I wanted to call him Master. Not sure if he would have let me though. Although he was always reminding me (literally) who’s boss. Lol. 
 

Anyway I just wish I knew where my forever  Dom was and I wish I could find my place again as a submissive. 

[beanbean]

Naw I get and you don't send toxic you always got to do what is best for yourself and what your saying makes a lot of sense

[Vampiress]

I am so sorry about all you've been through, and no offense taken by anything you've said. I am just glad you feel comfortable here. There are all kinds of Doms so I do think you can find one who is sweet and caring even if he isn't a Daddy. I know the term "pleasure Dom" has become more common for a while now, and perhaps you may find the kind of partner you are looking for amongst the pleasure Doms if that includes (to them) being caring, sweet, supportive, etc. They usually seem more focused on what their submissive wants and needs rather than making themselves the focus all of the time. I hope you can find what you need, you seem really ready to have your person and I think you deserve that.

[Andriel_Isilien]

I agree with the friends above. Dealing with loneliness is so hard. The longing you described makes a lot of sense! I'm sure that you are still welcomed to be here even though you aren't a little and this is forum is named "Ddlg". There are slaves, pets, bottoms, and subs here not just littles. Being sweet and caring isn't only reserved for Daddies. There are Gentle Doms, Soft Doms, Pleasure Doms, and I'm sure more as I'm relatively new in the community. I mean, those are just labels. People make their dynamic their own and unique to what they prefer. It sounds like you are on the right track with having a sense on what you are looking for! We talk about improving relationships, ourselves, fun hobbies, mental health, BDSM, and just life on here. It's not strictly Daddies and littles only. Know that you are welcomed here for however long you'd like. I do hope you are able to find your Dom and more 💖 

[SweetIsMyMiddleName]

Thank you everybody for making me feel so welcomed and have a place here despite not identifying as a little anymore. But im still a child at heart so I will join in on the fun posts and stuff when I can and hope to contribute to the other more serious posts as well from my sub side and any other wisdom I might have to offer based on my experiences.

It has been a long road and the loneliness makes it harder. But coming back here has been a positive so far which is nice and needed.

Thank you for all the support and I hope to return the favour when I can. Hugs to you all! 

[SweetIsMyMiddleName]

Hi Gigi! 
 

Awws thank you for the care and support. 💗

Things have definitely been a struggle at times, but then again, nobody said life was going to be easy. I’m definitely learning a lot this lifetime and about who I am as a person! 
 

Things have been getting better recently, as I now have somebody kind, loving and supportive in my life and I know I’m a lucky woman because of that. 🥰

Hugs to you! 🙂