Trying to move on.

[lillyann]

I have been a little all my life.  I have tried to find a Daddy for a long time and then I found my husband...he was no Daddy but he was a wonderful kind husband.  I lost him almost a year ago.  I'm finding it hard to move on but at the same time my need for a Daddy is always with me.  Is it fair to try and find a Daddy when I need the time to trust him first before I can be intimate with him....I feel like I'm cheating on my deceased husband if I get physical right now.  I do want to eventually have a real life Daddy but not sure how long I will feel this way.  I'm torn.  I don't want to put a Daddy on hold and make him wait for however long it takes....if ever.  I want to be loyal to the memory of my husband but I also need a Daddy.  This is such a dilemma for me. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.   Thanks.

[Cebakes]

So sorry that you lost your husband.   A year is a long time and I don’t think anyone would ever judge you and say it’s too soon. It’s very normal for you to need time with a new partner or daddy before being intimate, especially after losing your hubs.  Most daddies should be able to help you with that and move forward after your loss.   It sounds like you are ready to get back out there…..

[lillyann]

Thank you.  It's reassuring to hear your words.  I hope I can find that right Daddy that will give me the time I need.

[AspiringDaddy]

Sorry to hear you lost your husband. A year is long, and not long at all. I'm pretty sure your deceased husband won't see anything you do as cheating on him and would just want you to be happy again. Nothing ever replaces a lost love, but you can find new love, and why not a daddy this time? A true daddy will understand you and ought to be able to support and help you in moving on at your own pace.

Good luck and take care.

[lillyann]

Thank you.  

[Alisolte]

Oh my gosh. I am so sorry you are going through that. My heart goes out to you!!!! I think it's so important to acknowledge how difficult this must be for you. Then on top of that, knowing what you really need in order to start the healing process, and feeling the way you are about it all.

I think it is PERFECTLY fair for you to try to find a Daddy without being intimate right out of the gate. A Daddy that in on your wavelength is going to understand that and never push you for something you're not ready for. 

Maybe you should talk to someone who is a professional in this stuff? I feel like there is a difference between being loyal to a memory and respecting a memory. I don't really know what to tell you that can make it better because you must have a lot of emotions about all of this. Just please know that you have every right to go at the pace that YOU are comfortable with. If someone doesn't like it then good riddance. 🫣 

You deserve to feel good. 

[MissNMTX]

Going to agree with @Alisolte. It seems to me that speaking with a professional would be most efficient. Sadly, I have a great deal of experience with grief though not of a spouse. I also understand the feeling of needing/wanting a Daddy. Grief and desires are both very powerful. It's a lot to sort out a professional might help.

[Josey Wales]

I’m so sorry . I know how you feel I lost a child last year. I think once we love and in your case the way you feel about your husband is a testament to both of you, you must have had a beautiful relationship! Think about it , don’t you think he would want you to be happy ? I would believe he would feel good if you found a Daddy to take care of you, someone who would try to make you happy ! You won’t be able to replace him in your heart but don’t think if you find a Daddy that you won’t be loyal to your husband . Few people have experienced the love you felt for one another ! I hope you find him. 

[beanbean]

Well you move on when you feel it's right to move on and no one has the reason to judge that .when your ready your ready 

[Andriel_Isilien]

Don't put a timeline on yourself. But I do second the seek professional help to process the grief and pain from such loss. My therapist gave me steps to follow on dealing with death to make sure I don't do a downward spiral mentally. That has been very helpful as it keeps me thinking through my feelings and making sense of them in a healthier way. Focus on the present moment. Don't stress about the "what ifs" future possibilities or try to get "over it" right now. Your feelings are speaking up to you about some needs you have that deserve your attention and patience.  Try to trust yourself that things will work out on your own time as they are meant to.

[lillyann]

Thank you all for your wonderful advice and support.  It's another reason I love this community.  

[SweetIsMyMiddleName]

Hi lillyann, 

First of all I’m sorry for the loss of your husband and I would like to extend an offer for you to see my post on the thread about losing a parent as I wrote about grief in general and how to deal with the loss of a loved one. 
 

Healing is a complex thing and it’s unique to everybody. There’s no definite answer on when or how somebody can heal and sometimes we don’t always fully heal so it can make it hard moving forward. 
 

My advice to you is listen to your heart, listen to your intuition. That wonderful inner voice that guides us to we need to be because it knows what our soul truly wants and what will make us happy. If its telling you something you know you can’t ignore, then take a leap of faith and go with it. See what happens…

I know you feel guilt about your husband being gone and this choice you are wanting to make, but I believe in the afterlife and that our passed on loved ones want us to be happy and they don’t want us to be held back, or to feel bad about making choices that align us with our souls journey. No doubt if you are having these thoughts more often than not, then there’s an undeniable part of you that wants this life experience. 
 

Now having said all that, and as you mentioned, you don’t want to make somebody wait around until you are ready for certain things. I think it would be best in that case, to try work on your self first and the healing needed to move forward and or, be upfront and honest with a potential future Daddy explaining that you may need some time with certain aspects of the relationship. I’m sure if he’s a decent Daddy, then he will be understanding and patient. 
 

I hope you can find peace with your husbands passing and find happiness in what you’re looking for in the future.