Wondering why I’m feeling this way…

[babyspacegirl]

I’m not sure how to start this. 
 

I’ve been feeling some like…inner turmoil in regards to my little self. I think there’s some fighting going on inside me between my big self and my little self 

 

Its like…my big self is always out there to protect me, never far away. Part of my is /always/ big, no matter how much I want to be fully little.  
 

And then the little side of me is crying and screaming and begging to be let out, it’s almost like I’ve had her in a cage for years, only letting her out for a few minutes at a time, always closely guarded. 
 

I try to get myself into littlespace by myself but it never works, I’m always too worked up, too guarded, too fearful that I’ll be found out. And also I think part of me feels like…I’m too old to still be doing this 

 

It’s continually exhausting. Idk these are just some thoughts that needed to come out I think. 

[Guest BugabooBby]

I'm sorry it's tough for you right now. But I promise your not alone. Please reach out if you need a friend or just someone to listen 🫂 virtual huggggs!

[Alisolte]

I'm 33 and am just now allowing myself to embrace the fact that I am an age regressor. I have been embarrassed my entire life regarding how I slip into childish speech patterns, giggles, "incorrect" levels of excitement, and the list goes on and on. I used to feel like it was a banner to the world, screaming of my childhood trauma and neglect. It used to TRULY embarrass me. 

I took a sociology class once and it talked about the theory of "Dramaturgy," how basically our way of interacting with the world is all about playing a certain role when it is prudent. The thing about being little is that society as a whole is non-accepting of it, and so the mechanisms of safety and security you have internalized by being Big come to the forefront more than that more vulnerable part of you will.

Something that helps me is knowing that all of human concept is literally made up, and just taught over and over again. If they can teach us what is right and wrong, why can't we also teach ourselves what is right and wrong for us? And WITHOUT mountains of social pressure saying "this is how it is meant to be."

I only am ever full-on Little when I am alone, as when it hits and I am in Big spaces I have to pretend it is not happening, slow down, and change my behavior, but I have learned to absolutely LOVE the feeling of disregarding my social training when I can finally be free. I stop thinking and just be myself, and it's almost like a meditative experience of just living in the moment. I don't know how to get you there, but I want you to know that you are never too old to be vulnerable and sweet. You are worthy of more self-exploration and you deserve to enjoy who you are as a person.

Anyone who tells you otherwise can eat dirt. 

Edited October 1, 2023 by Alisolte

[Vampiress]

So, there are different kinds of littles. You've got the agere littles who psychologically regress into a truly child-like state. Then you have the age player littles who do it more as a role play. And then you have the CG/l littles who always have some child-like aspect to their personality rather than playing a role or regressing. Perhaps you are the age play or cg/l type rather than the agere type? I don't really explain this very eloquently, but Evie Lupine has a great video that talks about the different littles and maybe you might find that more enlightening and feel less pressure on yourself. I hope it helps! I've posted this video before on other topics and will continue to do so because I think there's a lot of confusion on what it means to be a little when really there are multiple ways to be little!

 

[babyspacegirl]

thank you to everyone who replied to this. you guys are great ❤️