People who lost a parent

[PincessCaitlin]

My mom just died this morning. I dunno how to deal with it. I put a picture of her up on my wall to remember her, but I’m just wondering if anyone here has lost a parent, how do you deal with the loss? Like my mom was my best friend and my everything. I don’t know how my dad and I will get by without her… she fought her cancer hard my brother said to tell everyone she fought for as long as she could and she tried hard to beat it.  But I dunno how to deal with this… but I miss her  so much 

[Kali]

(((Hugs))) My mom passed two years ago. She had ataxia of the cerebellum, a degenerative disease which slowly caused her to lose muscle control. She lost the ability to walk early on and it eventually progressed to the point she could no longer control her tongue and her ability to swallow food and drink. I'm still unable to look at pictures or watch videos of the chats we made towards the end. I don't know if I'll ever be able to. 

Instead, I concentrate on our happy memories and pictures from better times. There is a photo album of memories on my livingroom table with her picture on the cover. On her bday, I buy her favorite food and light a candle on the day she passed. Between times, we still "talk" and i ask for advice. She'll always be one of those voices i hear, ya know. 

There aren't many members of my family still around. I've taken to thinking of those who have passed as all hanging out like they did when I was little... playing cards, family dinners, talking smack. Lol. 

It also makes me smile and happy to think that wherever mom is... she's able to eat and drink anything she wants now. 🙂

[Kubi207]

I'm not sure if this will help but it may give some perspective. My father passed when I was 11, it was very tough and confusing for me. I kind of got through it by focusing on the good times/memories I had with him. Later on I assembled a scrapbook of the photos I could obtain of him. Mind you this would be 2000ish before everyone was walking around with a 50 megapixel camera in their pocket. This eventually evolved into a chest that I found that had slots for photos on it on the outsides. I populated them and it had room inside store other things of his I had acquired such as his watch and other mundane objects with memories attached. You can look around to see what other cultures do. Some have rituals or more formal shrines. As for me I just have this photo box on a shelf in the living room.

As for how to move forward it's said people die twice. Once when they leave their corporal form and finally the last time they are remembered. They can continue to live on in your memories and experiences you shared with others. My fathers passing made me realize that every day you spent, every memory you formed with someone is precious. Try and end on a good note with them and not hold a grudge. It could be the last time you can speak with them. My father for example passed away in his sleep. There weren't any symptoms or ongoing illnesses so you never know. Another thing is to look how fortunate you are with the time you had with them. Not to be a downer but three of my four grand parents have passed on as well and I'm only 33.

I also just remembered I have another object as well. Someone had given my mother a peace lily at my fathers funeral. My mother has kept that plant alive throughout my childhood and has given both me and my sister a shoot of that plant to care for and all three are still alive 22 years later. If you're a spiritual person you could say he's living on through that plant.

[PincessCaitlin]

Thanks for giving your perspective guys. My mom was a nice woman, she always thought of others before herself, she was also a teacher, she loved to read, sewing, she loved to take photos, she loved scrapbooking and lots of other things as well. But she is now hanging out with her dad (who passed in 2008) and her mom who she hasn’t seen since she was 22 (her mom died due to a illness,) but my best friend is gonna be checking up on me for a while, she’s been through the same thing, her mom passed when she was in her 20s so I was there for her and now she’s there for me. 

[SweetLu]

I'm so sorry. I think losing a parent is one of the hardest things we have to go through. 

We lost my dad 5 years ago. He'd survived a brain tumor (& resulting paralysis), 2 strokes, a heart attack where we should have lost him & he lost his fight with the second heart attack a year later. That year was the greatest gift! I really like to think of him playing cards with my aunts & uncles, drinking his Falstaff or Hamms beer (shudder) & water skiing like he used to. I still talk to him every day.

I kept several of his shirts with the idea of making pillows for each of the grandkids (spraying each with his favorite cologne). Couldn't do it until this year, but each grandchild will be getting their pillow this Christmas (his favorite holiday). If I had to make a suggestion, remember what her favorite things & events were, celebrate them & include her in them (even if it's just saying to yourself "See mom? I remember & I love you.")

[MasterPhotog]

PincessCaitlin, I'm sorry to hear about your loss. Having lost both my parents years ago and my 12-years younger brother recently, I know it's going to be difficult and will take time to heal the pain.
However, please remember, as your brother said, she bravely fought cancer for as long as she could and now she is out of her pain.
Please continue to be strong and know that your mother and best friend will always continue to be with you in your heart and mind, therefore, continue to seek her advice and follow your heart. 
Please take care and continue to be strong. 

[MissNMTX]

Firstly, I am sincerely sorry for your loss. My Mom passed it will be 11 yrs ago this year. My Mom's passing was a shock (at the holidays too which is a special kind of suck) her heart just stopped. Everyone knows cancer is a bitch.

It's all so new to you. Please don't expect to.process anything now. Just mourn and grief as a family (so grateful you have people around you) Time doesn't heal, but it does help. Your loving memories will help over time..you will find ways to laugh and smile as you remember her. I promise. Sending hugs.

[PincessCaitlin]

Thanks everyone who replied to this and continue to do so. I like to think she’s up in heaven chatting with her dad ( who she lost in 2008) and her mom (who she hasn’t seen since she was 22 cause she died due to an illness) but I decided to write letters to her everyday telling her how everything is going and then maybe publishing it into a book like my mom did (she was an author, she wrote 3 kids books)

[littlebunnyboy]

Sending very big hugs!

It's not easy, at all. I lost my father last year in a plane crash and although the site has never been found so far, it's really hard. I held onto hope for so long that he could've survived. But in the end, he's gone and as I write this, I still can't believe it. I still feel like he's a phone call away, but I know that if I call it will end up nowhere.

Sadly I believe it's something you never get over. Losing one of your parents is like losing a limb, you lose some of your balance in life. There's better days and there's worst ones. The better days will come, where you'll be able to do things and push through it. But there will be days where you really feel the rawness of the loss again, and there's crying and mourning all over again. It's a process. I don't think I'll ever totally heal from it. But please do know that your mum is with you always. She loves you and will cheer every little victory you have in life. She's still by your side and always will be.

Sending much love your way x

 

ps: My messages are always open if you need someone to talk to!

[Guest Runa]

I'm sorry for your loss, Caitlin.  I haven't lost a parent so I can't pretend to know what it's like.  I think your idea of writing letters is such a wonderful thing.  Your mum sounds like an incredible person who loved you and had a really positive impact on your life.

[313grown]

It sounds like you loved each other very much. My father died 8 years ago, I continue to think of him everyday. The pain and sadness has faded, morphing into a feeling where I know he would be proud and happy with me and my accomplishments. He loved cardinals and bluejays, so whenever I see one, I smile to myself thinking that he's checking up on me.

Your idea of writing letters sounds like a great way to process your grief, but don't feel obligated to do it everyday. Allow your sadness to evolve, don't let it consume you.

I'm happy to listen if you want an understanding ear. Sending positive energy your way!

[Däddy]

**hugs everyone at least once**

 

My Father lost his battle with bone cancer mid April this year. When it was discovered that he had bone cancer doctors found over 50 tumors in his body and told us that he'd maybe live for another few months, since some of them were on the inside of his skull and even inside his spinal canal (which was why he went to see a doctor in the first place because one morning he woke up and his leg was paralyzed due to one of the tumors pushing against the nerves that run through the spine). That was in late 2018. He defied all odds and fought this war like an absolute madman 'til the bitter end for almost five years.

And he didn't even die because of the cancer. He suffered a severe brain hemorrhage where the brain stem meets the cortex while in hospital for cancer treatment - which took his live within just four hours. There was nothing that could have been done to save him due to the location of the hemorrhage, the chances of surviving surgery that deep inside the brain are so close to zero that they're basically in the negative digits.

Luckily we have no speed limit in Germany so I could make that 350km trip in under two hours, so that all of us, my mother, my sisters and me, could be present and hold his hand the moment he passed.

My Father was a trucker for all his live, he loved this job with all his heart and soul. When I was a kid I'd often come with him on his international tours during the school holidays. I cherish these memories. On his funeral all of his colleagues showed up with their trucks to pay respect, it was so beautiful. They all had white roses on their front grills and would let their horns sound for one minute straight to wish him farewell.

But he also had this one sentence in his last will letter that he wrote when he was diagnosed with cancer. It reads: "If I die, remember that each of you [my children] is made of 50% me and thus I will live on a solid 150% even after my bodily death." His sense of humor was always a very special one.

Some of the most important words he ever said to me were something like this (I don't remember his exact words): "All life must end one day or another, death is the way of all flesh. I don't fear death, it is a crucial part of life, the last step one needs to take in order to complete the human experience. I don't know when my day comes but once it's here just know that I am never truly dead as long as you remember me." And I think that's a beautiful way of looking at it.

[SweetIsMyMiddleName]

From somebody who lost both their parents to terminal illness…

1. you are not alone. I send love and hugs to all of you going through the loss of a loved one. 
 

2. Make sure to look after yourself during this time as I know it’s easy to forget about self care and that includes eating and getting sleep as well as being compassionate and understanding with yourself. 
 

3. Your pain is real and it is VALID. Don’t let anybody tell you otherwise. It’s important to try not suppress any emotions at this time because acknowledging these emotions helps to heal and you will heal. By healing I mean you will get come to terms with your loved ones passing and that doesn’t mean you won’t miss them any more, or have days where you feel sad because you will, but you will eventually get to a point where you can find a form of acceptance that allows you to move forward but that doesn’t mean you have to forget them as they will always be in your heart. 
 

4. You don’t have to cope on your own. If you want to be alone to gather your thoughts, to process your emotions then do  that, but if you have support being offered to you, don’t be afraid or ashamed to take it. Let people in, let them help if it takes the weight off your shoulders and let’s you breathe while you go through this heavy time.

5. People will most definitely say the wrong things, not know what to say or even not say anything at all. Don’t get angry at them, don’t resent them because they most likely don’t understand what you’re going through, but one day they will and that is a sad truth. 
 

6. There are no commonly shared stages of grief (in my opinion), as we all process things differently and therefore our ways of cooing will vary. You do you, and heal in the way you need to and take all the time you need to do it. Healing takes as long as it takes so don’t feel pressured to do it in record time. Do it right and take it one step at a time. 
 

I hope this helps somebody. 💗