Dating Non-Kinky People

[Guest puppies4]

Hi everyone!

For those of you who have dated vanilla people. How and when did you introduce or let the person you're dating know what you're interested in without overwhelming them? I don't expect a vanilla person to suddenly fulfill my kinky desires or be a Daddy to me, but I would like to let them know what I enjoy.

[Little kaiya]

In general if I was dating someone vanilla, which was pretty rare, I would wait until we had established a relationship that went beyond initial dating. Now to be fair I generally didn't date vanilla people because I knew it would be unlikely to work out so I was open very early on in all of my relationships because it's an important part of who I am and so was not really a negotiable for me.

[Vampiress]

This is a hard one for me to answer because I can see a couple of ways of doing it.

I think the posts before me explain very well why it might be good to wait a while and establish a connection before bothering, so I don't feel I need to expand on this much because they've done a good job of explaining that side of things.

I think bringing up the interest earlier on is not inherently a bad thing. I am not saying bringing it up and then engaging them in it, but if this lifestyle is very important to you... it can be hard to establish a connection with someone, then find out they aren't interested in that at all. So then you have to break up after some feelings are already building and then you both get hurt, and that kind of sucks. I'd say it may be safe to at least give someone a heads up that you are into something like that so that you don't put a bunch of time into someone you'll have to part ways from just because it's an absolute no for them. However, once you've brought it up if it hasn't scared them off then definitely take your time in introducing them to it or engaging them in it.

I would not bring it up on a first date or if you're dating around. I'd say at least go out with them a bit and then if you're sure this is getting to be a thing you'd like to continue then that'd be a good time to bring it up. I think it can wait in more casual scenarios.

[Will]

Some valid points in all the posts above. Me personally, I think it’s better to signal I’m not vanilla very early on, it saves a lot of wasted time and avoids hurt feelings.

 
 

 

[MasterPhotog]

20 hours ago, puppies4 said:

Hi everyone!

For those of you who have dated vanilla people. How and when did you introduce or let the person you're dating know what you're interested in without overwhelming them? I don't expect a vanilla person to suddenly fulfill my kinky desires or be a Daddy to me, but I would like to let them know what I enjoy.

That would depend on, among other things and unless he initiates it himself, how responds to your subtle hints and non-verbal queues. 
Keep in mind that if he is Daddy-type and interested in dating  someone younger, he may already have some kinky idea. 

[Cebakes]

I think it’s best to always be upfront about things with potential partners.  Most non-kinky people are not going to understand DDLG. Certainly some will, but it can be a hard kink or lifestyle for people to get their arms around, or join in.  

What  is not good for either party is keeping things a secret and then springing them on your partner six months or a year down the road.  

I told a woman tonight that I was a daddy Dom. We’d been chatting since about Friday, and it was clear she desired a strong dominant man.  She is in her early 30’s and we met on Hinge.  We really didn’t flirt, talk about sex, and I certainly didn’t mention DDLG, until I told her tonight I was a DD.   Listening to what people say or write is just so important in understanding what they desire.

I told her what my definition of a daddy Dom is and described it in detail. I did not use terms like DDLG, Little, or middle.    We had already made plans for dinner on Tuesday night, and she told me that she is now even more excited to meet me…

[Guest puppies4]

Thank you for your responses everyone!

I typically only date kinky people myself but after my last two LTR kink relationships, a good portion of the kinky men I've spoken to don't share the same non-kink long-term goals I have in my life which is why I'm using dating apps now. It just sucks because while the men on dating apps have similar goals, I can never tell if they're kinky or how willing I am to continue dating a vanilla man knowing what I prefer. I have noticed Dom-like tendencies in some of the men but that could be just their personality and not kink related. I don't plan on letting the men I'm dating know I'm into kink right away, but I'm wondering at what point I'd feel comfortable sharing.

[Guest UnicornSprinkles]

On 8/5/2023 at 2:00 PM, GayKitten said:

Honestly I think this is a very healthy and realistic outlook to have!

So, I was dating my wife for like 7 years by the time I discovered interest in ABDL and MDlg stuff. I'd say I felt like I needed to bring it up to her after like 6 months of exploring on my own? By that point I was thinking "Ok, just in case something comes up in a browser history or something that catches her off guard, I should broach this subject and explain it a little" -- and frankly at that point, I was just looking for acceptance from her, and to reassure her about the common misconceptions about those kinks.

From there, I'd say it was probably another 2 or 3 months before we felt comfortable with me wearing diapers around her, and another couple months before we tried any roleplay scenes with them together?

But yeah, all that to say -- I think bringing it up as a "this is a kink I'm into, I explore this myself and would like to know I have your acceptance about that, and possibly would like you to think about if it interests you too" type conversation is a very normal, mature talk to have with someone who you're dating seriously. And how long that takes is of course very individual -- but if I found myself suddenly single and was dating non-kinky people, I'd probably open up about it after....somewhere in 3-6 months. I think by this point in my life, that's long enough for me to gauge whether I can trust people with vulnerable details like that and reasonably expect them to be empathetic and accepting toward me.

Great question, and I'm glad you started this thread! ❤️ 

Very good advice! Are you wanting acceptance or participation. I've a good vanilla relationship, we're still friends today, and wasn't apart of some of the things that I was into. He accepted it and would help where he was comfortable.

[Cutelilgirl]

I understood when part from the above posts… however i am not very clear on how part…like telling a vanilla person i need a daddy…especially when it is used in sexual way by todays generation…. I mean i am little and that is like non sexual thing for me..so after i get an idea when i m ready to tell him..i dont know how can i go about it without making him feel overwhelmed or making him feel weird..i am already bad at communicating…can someone give examples on how to ease your vanilla oartner into it?

[Cebakes]

28 minutes ago, Cutelilgirl said:

I understood when part from the above posts… however i am not very clear on how part…like telling a vanilla person i need a daddy…especially when it is used in sexual way by todays generation…. I mean i am little and that is like non sexual thing for me..so after i get an idea when i m ready to tell him..i dont know how can i go about it without making him feel overwhelmed or making him feel weird..i am already bad at communicating…can someone give examples on how to ease your vanilla oartner into it?

Is there any chance he knows what DDLG or a little is?  Is he a caregiver type, protective, a provider, have daddy vibes?? Or would this be totally foreign and strange to him?  Do you act like a little around him?  Has he picked up that sometimes you act like a little?  

Since  you feel you are bad at communicating, you want to make sure you write your thoughts down on paper before you tell him.  Do you feel you know why you need a daddy?  

[Cutelilgirl]

.

Edited August 20, 2023 by Cutelilgirl

[Cutelilgirl]

1 hour ago, Cebakes said:

Is there any chance he knows what DDLG or a little is?  Is he a caregiver type, protective, a provider, have daddy vibes?? Or would this be totally foreign and strange to him?  Do you act like a little around him?  Has he picked up that sometimes you act like a little?  

Since  you feel you are bad at communicating, you want to make sure you write your thoughts down on paper before you tell him.  Do you feel you know why you need a daddy?  

Right now i m mot dating because i dont know how to date someone vanilla..

however i think i cant help being little in certain situations…but i dont think that would be enough for anyone to guess i m little if he is not fully aware of the lifestyle because everyone acts silly sometimes i guess…i take care not to act too little infront of people even when i really want to..

I belong to somewhat conservative society in terms of kinks…so i would assume even if he knows about bdsm (from fifty shades movie which i think is not good movie to portray bdsm) i dont think he would be aware of ddlg lifestyle…

also how do i get to know if someone is being protective, provider, caregiver or he is being controlling…?? Like it may be hard to differentiate..maybe i think he is being protective when he is being controlling? I dont wanna controlling person..i need someone who cares for me and pampers me…gives me attention and cuddles and guides me when i m little..

writing about thoughts is a good idea..i have recently started writing diary which helps me organise my thoughts…

[KhariKub]

I've not brought this up before in the past with vanilla people but I feel like it will be something I have to eventually do. I think it is better to be upfront rather than waiting down the line to share anything

[Cutelilgirl]

But if someone is vanilla.. it may be too much for them... 

[Little kaiya]

Somebody could be kinky and it still could be too much for them or something they aren't interested in. Vanilla doesn't automatically mean it will be too much for someone just as kinky doesn't automatically mean acceptance.

[Softie.Sleepy]

I told my fiancé Straight out I was into DDLG and was kinky. I didn't beat around the bush with my Fiancé. IT went really well. I personally believe that it is a lot easier to just tell them straight out how you feel. doesn't matter how you word it or how slow and careful you are if they are not into it they are not into ad sadly there is nothing anyone can do to make them change their mind, so I'd rather not stress about it and just tell the straight out what I am into. 

[irishrabo]

I usually wait until we’ve spent some time together and there’s a sense of trust. I don’t go into all the details right away, but I might drop a hint or two to gauge their reaction. If they seem open, I’ll share more. That said, if you’re looking for people who are already into the same stuff, I’ve found platforms like https://tosituhma.com/kik-seuraa.php are a good way to connect without having to tiptoe around the conversation.

Edited December 7, 2024 by irishrabo

[ohyeahmetoo]

I'm polyamorous and ENM. I am perfectly happy to date vanilla or kinky. If really depends on the connection we're able to create. 

[browniecookie]

Recently I saw someone on tik tok, recommending to ask the person you're interested in, if they watched the movie "the secretary" and what he or she thinks about it, in the case they didn't, watch it together and look at the person's reaction. also ask to the person, what are they into in the bathroom, which is a pretty basic or normal question I would say, and base on the response you can kind of see if their likes alings with yours.

[Barney048]

I usually just put "BDSM ✅" on my tinder profile. Or if I met her somewhere outside and I saw this has potential, i' be like "Hey just so you know, I'm someone that's into BDSM. If you have any questions or if it bothers you, let me know". I want to have "the BDSM talk" before any emotions are involved as a preventive measure. If you are a woman a lot of men will just see you as a sex thing as soon as u mention BDSM. But you can spot those dick-thinkers from a mile away, so I wouldn't worry about that. 

 

After you put it out there, you just observe how he/she reacts. Do they try to learn about it on their own? Do they ask about non-sexual things as well? Do they express themself propperly and vocalise their opinions?..... I don't want to educate someone about BDSM if they don't try to learn about it on their own and show propper interest. I don't wanna be "selling" bdsm to a vanilla person. I am just here to explain what they are uncertain about. If they conclude it's not their cup of tea after that, then we just go our seperate ways.