*TW* Feeling Helpless and Confused, No Hope *TW*

[Bunnigirl]

TW: mentions of suicide and SA feelings

Hi everyone, this post may be a bit long so please bare with me ^^
 

I’ve been into DDLG for every relationship I’ve had, but recently have had issues with my long term daddy of almost three years. I’m feeling beyond helpless and would love any and all advice. 
 

Me and my current daddy met almost three years ago, and instantly we clicked emotionally, although sexually things were strange at first as he is very inexperienced with being a daddy, and the sex was pretty awkward and unenjoyable for a while. One thing about me is that in all my relationships I have told my partner I am not comfy with them watching porn, because I lived in the hospital for an eating disorder for three months, and porn is incredibly triggering to my body dysmorphia. I would say this is the single most important thing to me in a daddy dynamic is that i am their only sexual object of desire, even though I am more than comfy with exploring non-monogamy and such in the future assuming I am in a very stable dynamic that this does not feel threatening to me. 
 

so…. Right off the bat I told him I do not have sex with people who watch porn. I set this immediately right when we met so he knew, and he told me that he doesn’t watch porn and that would be easy for him. We proceeded to have sex for the next year and eventually move in together, and that’s when I found porn tabs open all over his phone. It was all creepy Asian fetish porn, and people with drastically different body types than me and I was absolutely devastated. I confronted him, where he told me that it was just a sometimes thing and it wasn’t a big deal.
 

TW: self harm

I ultimately spiraled so much so that I ended up attempting suicide and had to stay in the hospital. During this time he promised he would stop. I was beyond hurt and didn’t think I could heal from it, but still tried to move on. 
 

skip forward one year, and the exact same thing happened again. This time I felt like I was going crazy, and honestly, I really feel like this time what he did to me was incredible sexually abusive. There were times where we’d be about to have sex, and I would start crying and tell him I was scared he was watching porn again. He would tell me I was crazy and would never do that to me, and would even yell and get upset at me for “accusing him”, and would proceed to have sex with me. This entire year he was still watching porn. 
 

Finally, in December of 2022, I felt like he was lying and sat him down to talk about it again. I knew he was lying, I could just tell. I told him I knew he was doing it again, and he admitted it. I kicked him out of the apartment and made him sleep in his car. I was so devastated I broke up with him and since then, all my friends and family believe we’ve broken up. 
 

however, he ended up coming back in and telling me he would stop for good, that he’s not interested in doing it and gave me a whole speech about how it’s an addiction, but he’s done and is going to get it under control. This lasted a few months. I let him sleep in the spare room next to mine and told him if it happened again he was back out on the street. 
 

just a few weeks ago, while he was still in the spare room and we were separated, he told me that he had done it AGAIN while he was in the spare room while I was sleeping in the other room. I literally feel so heartbroken and devastated and abandoned and neglected and disgusting  and ugly. My body image issues and confidence have been crushed to such a low level I never thought. I’ve gone back to a lot of ED behavior and talk badly about my body most of every day now. I truly cannot explain how devastating this so for me, and yet I feel so weak and so desperate for his approval and love, I don’t know how to advocate for myself and stop this horrible cycle. 
 

I had reached a breaking point and took his phone and crushed it. I had a major episode that involved me staying up for 2 days without sleeping and harming myself, and he told me that he needs to be here so I don’t continue to hurt myself and forced his way back in. He is now living without a phone, and tells me every day how much better he feels n told me that he really wants to fix it and make up for it and understands what he did was bad but I just don’t understand anything anymore. 
 

I don’t know what real and not real, I believe he has truly stopped this time as he has no phone or computer right now, but I don’t know if it’s even near enough to build back all of the confidence and trust I’ve lost. I feel so desperate for a daddy to take care of me, and so betrayed that someone I call a daddy would ever do this to me. He has seen me try to kill myself over him doing this, and yet has done it multiple times afterwards. 
 

I feel crushed. I feel heartbroken. I feel empty. I have put my whole life on hold for my Daddy just for the hopes to finally get the DDLG dynamic I’m looking for, and I feel so close to giving up entirely or breaking down. 
 

If you read this far, thank you so much for your patience and care. Any advice is appreciated.  

[shadowrider]

 I am sorry you are going through this and want you to know you are not alone. There are people here that will listen and there are support groups you can reach out to. 

 From what you told us the only thing he said that I believe is that porn can be an addiction. Nothing else he said do I believe. My opinion, and take it as only that, just my opinion. He is addicted and you can't cure him, you can't be the reason he quits. Only the addict can decide to beat their addiction and they have to do it because they truly want to. I know addicts, they have kids and families that love and need them. They still have not reached that point where they want to change. So they put on an act that they changed until they get caught again. Just like he did. You said you destroyed his phone, phones are cheap and easy to get. I'm willing to bet you he has another one already. If he has social media check his profiles for recent updates. I could be wrong and for your sake I hope I am but I doubt it. 

 If he truly wants to beat this he needs to give you space and he needs to seek help. There are places he can go to get counseling and start the road to recovery. But forcing his way back into the apartment so he isn't sleeping in the car is not the way to help either of you. He needs to go so you can start to heal. Seeing him every day is not helping you and you have to put yourself first right now.

 I know you struggle with this but read this part carefully and more than once. His addiction and the type of things he was watching have nothing to do with you. They are no reflection of reality or what you need to try and be. Do not let someone else's addictions or fantasies make you second guess your own worth. As humans we are special and deserve to be treated with care and respect. He is showing you neither.

 It will hurt but he needs to go so you can look after yourself. You also need to find a professional to talk with. Either one on one or in a group. I would suggest one on one because it is more personal and I'm not a huge fan of discussing my personal life in groups. Either way you need to talk to someone. 

Take care of yourself

[Andriel_Isilien]

I'm so sorry. 😥 My ex had a porn addiction which they would try to hide and gaslight me when I had concerns about it. I also struggle with self-harm as an outlet to cope. I am always one to give people second chances but with this, there not much that can be done when the person isn't willing to work on their addiction. They should be able to prove themselves without getting another person entangled. Because that turns you into collateral damage. It's called an addiction for a reason, meaning that it is harming their life and the lives of others around them. An addict won't stop until they have had enough. That can only happen when people stop giving in their demands to enable the behavior. To promise and give one's word only to go back is soul crushing. Love isn't enough, sadly. That was a HARD lesson I learned and had to suffer with. What helped me is a long process with professional help in being enough for myself (still working on). My ex knew what their choices were doing to me, and they STILL actively chose their selfish indulges. All words of honor, vows to be better, and heartfelt assurances that they would get help only meant something in the moment when caught. Then it was straight back to hiding the problem from me and others around. It would have been better for me to have put my foot down from the very beginning (get called a bitch and a prude) instead of pursuing a relationship with a liar, dragging this mess out. 💔 Maybe some people can be the stability to help someone get out of an addiction or hold them accountable enough to own up to it. However, this sounds like you need yourself more.

He said he doesn't watch porn. Turned out he does. Then he promised he would stop. Turns out he still does. His behavior contradicts his own words. You were honest from the start. He wasn't. His apologies don't mean shit at this point. You, however, do. You mean a lot more than a blank check of hope. My advice is focus on you and only you. Get yourself somewhere safe. This is his own problem to sort out. Staying together seems to be threatening your life and well-being. Get help if you can from counseling, therapy, friends, family, or someone to talk this out and start healing. You deserve to have yourself back. Please please please be safe!! 💗 

[DaddyDom3238]

Hello, First and foremost I am so sorry for the pain, stress, and difficulties you are having right now. From a D/D's perspective while I am on the outside looking in I feel that he is manipulating you and taking advantage of your insecurities knowing that you will take him back. My bigger concern is that you need to take care of yourself first and foremost, if you are not with someone that makes you a better person, supports you, and makes you feel good about yourself then I feel that person does not deserve you. Please be careful, be good to yourself, know that you deserve to be cherished, adored, loved, and cared for always. 

[Cebakes]

He is clearly addicted to porn, and his brain has become wired so that porn is necessary to create higher levels of dopamine in his brain.  Having sex with a partner won’t be enough to satisfy his brain.  No doubt he is a compulsive masturbator as well…lol  many people have porn issues, my old middle S was pretty much addicted to porn.  It certainly is a part of sexual addiction. 

As far as you, I’m sorry to hear about all of your medical issues. Hopefully you can continue to get help and get better.

[Saprobic]

Hi Bunnigirl

I am so sorry you are having to go through this. I have worked with recovering addicts for a long time and sadly your story is far from unique. It does sound like he is dealing with addiction. Asking someone to give up a thing they enjoy and asking someone to overcome addiction are very different things. 
If you ask around you will eventually find that most people that have loved an addict eventually find that the addiction required a total lifestyle overhaul to correct if that was even enough. 
it is not a reflection on you! It is not only not your job to fix his addiction you can not do that. That can only come from him. The fact that on multiple opportunities over a prolonged period of time he continued to make and break promises has created a pattern. That pattern will continue until it must change. You can only control yourself and through that communicate how you are willing to be treated. I expect this sounds very harsh and I am sorry for that but the situation you find yourself in has only difficult paths forward at this point but not all of those difficult paths will be bad. 
You sound very strong, dig deep, surround yourself with people that care about you, make a plan, and stick to it. 
you got this. 

[Erasmeus71]

The fact he gas lighted is disgusting enough itself. That is cause to leave and for self harm. The porn just made it worse. I hope you are seeing counseling for medical issues. I would break off from the creep. He is not protecting you. He is just hurting you. You told him about the porn and that just caused more psychological harm.

[Bunnigirl]

thank you so much to everyone who responded, your responses were just what I needed to have the push to do what I’ve known is right the whole time. I’ve broken it off with him and hope to be stronger with my boundaries moving forward. Thank you especially to the people with personal experience that posted with their kind words 💕