Looking for advice (maybe resources)

[Saprobic]

Hi all, 

Super new here and new to the whole dynamic (6ish months). Was trying to keep it short, kinda failed. Open to all and any advice or input. 

I started dating a woman about 8 months ago now and shortly after our relationship began she started testing the waters. At first it was little things like using Daddy, Little Girl in dirty talk and moved on slowly from there. I have never been involved in any Dom/Sub relationship but without knowing it have always acted in a caregiver type of way. The day to day is easy. She is happy and I am happy, like over the moon happy. 

Where things have been more difficult is in the bedroom. She is very fixed on the idea that every time we have sex it needs to be a roleplay of her first time. She is big on consensual non consent and admittedly I needed time to come around to this and its been a slow and uncomfortable bit of learning for me. Her reaction to this coupled with my request that sometimes maybe we could just be grown ups having sex was to say that I was not her Daddy anymore and said could only have vanilla sex now and she had many times said to me before that she derives essentially no pleasure from vanilla sex. 

I was very hurt by this and essentially had a period of mourning that lasted a few days. I expressed to her that I was sad and felt like I had lost something with her pulling away from me like that. Her response has been primarily frustration and anger. 

We never had a conversation about little space or how the dynamic should play out I was very naïve and didn't realize I was creating that role in every other aspect of our lives together and am left worried that I may have just ruined a very good thing. Any advice on how to broach the topic of returning to that dynamic would be helpful. Although I had asked for things to not be 100% DDlg all of the time I would much rather have that than not have any of it knowing that all she wants is to have that back but believing that I am not really that into it despite my insistence to the contrary. 

 

[PrincessBinny]

Currently on the other end of this. I've been on and off crying for a while and getting very frustrated that my partner doesnt share the DDLG interest that I do. I feel like part of me is missing because I emotionally regress.

Im currently figuring out whether to keep pushing for communication on the matter or to just shove it all back in the closet for the rest of my life sk I'm mourning too. She probably is mourning aswell but it's coming out to you as frustration because she's embarrassed and feels undesirable maybe.

My two cents.

[Saprobic]

I think that is exactly how she feels. I just wish I could explain in a way she understands that I want all the same things she does. It’s just that she has been doing this forge whole life and playing catch-up is difficult but difficult doesn’t mean bad. 
 

thank you for sharing. 

[PrincessBinny]

@Saprobic

Is it alright to private message you?

[Vampiress]

Wow, it seems pretty unfair for her to punish you just because you requested some compromise to have vanilla sex sometimes. To me it sounds like you've been very accomodating and trying to give her what she wants, but she is giving you no room to have some of what you want or need. I think variety is a good thing, I can't imagine roleplaying the same scenario over and over again, it would just get boring. I think this deserves a talk about how you do enjoy the things you do together, but that you do have your own needs as well and that it was not meant in a way to hurt her. It'd be different if you had said you don't like it or never want to do it again, you only asked to sometimes do something else. You were being reasonable. It is hard for a lot of people to do the DDLG thing 24/7, and is a very high standard to hold someone to.

[Guest mortyyy]

12 hours ago, Saprobic said:

Hi all, 

Super new here and new to the whole dynamic (6ish months). Was trying to keep it short, kinda failed. Open to all and any advice or input. 

I started dating a woman about 8 months ago now and shortly after our relationship began she started testing the waters. At first it was little things like using Daddy, Little Girl in dirty talk and moved on slowly from there. I have never been involved in any Dom/Sub relationship but without knowing it have always acted in a caregiver type of way. The day to day is easy. She is happy and I am happy, like over the moon happy. 

Where things have been more difficult is in the bedroom. She is very fixed on the idea that every time we have sex it needs to be a roleplay of her first time. She is big on consensual non consent and admittedly I needed time to come around to this and its been a slow and uncomfortable bit of learning for me. Her reaction to this coupled with my request that sometimes maybe we could just be grown ups having sex was to say that I was not her Daddy anymore and said could only have vanilla sex now and she had many times said to me before that she derives essentially no pleasure from vanilla sex. 

I was very hurt by this and essentially had a period of mourning that lasted a few days. I expressed to her that I was sad and felt like I had lost something with her pulling away from me like that. Her response has been primarily frustration and anger. 

We never had a conversation about little space or how the dynamic should play out I was very naïve and didn't realize I was creating that role in every other aspect of our lives together and am left worried that I may have just ruined a very good thing. Any advice on how to broach the topic of returning to that dynamic would be helpful. Although I had asked for things to not be 100% DDlg all of the time I would much rather have that than not have any of it knowing that all she wants is to have that back but believing that I am not really that into it despite my insistence to the contrary. 

 

I think that there are a lot of things to consider here. 

I think however, it is unreasonable of her, to not have a sit down conversation with you and discuss the boundaries and limits of your ddlg relationship. I think that part is so important and is the backbone of any kind of bdsm dynamic.

You need to sit down with her and have a real chat about what you need and what you feel comfortable and uncomfortable with and what you are willing to compromise. 

If you two can't reach a situation were you are both happy, you should think about splitting because, ultimately, you will just end up continuing to hurt each other, because the structure of your relationship was  never initially discussed / communicated. 

I wish you two lots of love and i hope you can obtain a ddlg dynamic that works for both of you xXx

Edited July 18, 2023 by peppper

[Saprobic]

Thank you Vampiress I appreciate that. I don’t believe she is trying to be unfair. She does have very high expectations and it is one of the things I love about her. It can be draining too though

She is working through a lot of trauma from past relationships and I am happy to help where I can. 
Is it not the norm for people to maintain the dynamic or do people have on and off days? I guess there is probably no standard answer here?

in any case I appreciate the support. 
thank you again.

 

  

[Saprobic]

Pepper I feel what you are saying. She actually has been pretty clear about what she needs. It Just came in little bits. I think your point about what I am willing to compromise is a big one.  
I don’t even know for sure.  Everything else is so amazing that this seems like a small sacrifice if I can just get it back. 
Thank you

[Vampiress]

2 hours ago, Saprobic said:

Thank you Vampiress I appreciate that. I don’t believe she is trying to be unfair. She does have very high expectations and it is one of the things I love about her. It can be draining too though

She is working through a lot of trauma from past relationships and I am happy to help where I can. 
Is it not the norm for people to maintain the dynamic or do people have on and off days? I guess there is probably no standard answer here?

in any case I appreciate the support. 
thank you again.

I am not saying the intent is to be unfair, she may not realize she is being unfair... but the fact of the matter is, her expectations in this scenario are unfair. That's why it is important to discuss these things with her at length. She is punishing you by recoiling and taking things away from you just because you were asking to do something different sometimes. It can definitely be discussed in a gentle way that isn't accusatory, but this is something that has to be fixed if you are both going to reach a happy compromise without anyone feeling like they're being deprived or having their needs ignored.

I think in general it is very rare for anyone to maintain all parts of a dynamic 24/7 forever. Most people definitely have their off time during the day. Especially if both partners have a job and other adult responsibilities. If you provide for her 100% and make it so she has no responsibilities it'd be easier to keep up that dynamic on her end of things, but it's okay if you have needs that sometimes requires the dynamic to be set aside  for a little bit every now and then. It is a great responsibility to be a caregiver to another adult, and it's fair to want a break or to do other things. I can imagine it'd be exhausting to keep it going at all times. It may lead to burnout. If you are the dominant partner, you could still maintain that without the ageplay or having to roleplay the same scenario every time. Just because you're not doing the same thing every time doesn't mean you're not Daddy in your heart. It could be as simple as going back to babying her during the aftercare portion. Or you could put it as her way of giving you care and aftercare by occasionally having vanilla sex. Caregivers need that kind of stuff, too.

[Cebakes]

I will share my experience with this and have spoken about my last middle S frequently.  She is 25, highly sexual, craves.DDLG, and has many kinks.  She is a former college athlete, honors grad, and a surgical charge nurse managing six nurses on the floor. She’s a pretty talented person and overall wonderful woman. 

We’ve known each other since 2019 and have been together for a solid three years during that time. The only reason we are not married is our age gap.  It’s just too large.  We’ve always talked about her getting married to someone her own age and she’s attempted to go out and date at least three or four periods of time during our relationship. 
 

She is running into a problem of meeting, vanilla and non-dominant males. As mentioned, she is highly sexual, without a doubt, too sexual.   The guys seem somewhat decent and once again, she is dating an individual about six years older than her, but it’s just so obvious that he is not meeting her desires in the bedroom in any way.

there are people that are highly sexual, kinky, and have needs that they require to be met. I have counseled S on this, but  it is hard for people to change their wants and desires.  Your friend has let the genie out of the bottle, and the truth is out.  This is who she is and I don’t think she is going to change. 

Being honest,  I have certain kinky and primal urges that I would not be able to hold back, and am always very careful to make sure I line up well with someone who compliments that part of me.  She really should have let you know of these desires, much earlier in the relationship. 

Edited July 18, 2023 by Cebakes