Issues with Daddy/Vent

[Guest Coconut]

I’m very new to this community and current daddy and I have just started to delve into ddlg (he’s new to being a daddy and I’m new to being a little) a but we’ve been having some issues. I’ve brought them up such as I want to have more of his attention when I’m in littlespace (and just in general) and I just want him to be more guiding overall. We talked about it and he apologized and said he would try to be more attentive but he hasn’t  he could be hanging out with me the whole day and will barley talk to me until I bring up the fact that he’s not trying to have a conversation then we just spiral into a big disagreement. Maybe I am asking for too much but it’s been stressing me out and I haven’t been able to go into littlespace in the past three weeks. (Good news - I did today though so that helped my stress!) Any advice? 

[Little kaiya]

Actions speak louder than words. There are often a lot of folks in the caregiver role who tell their partner they will try harder or do more and then nothing changes. Although they are saying one thing their behaviour conveys a very different message.

It's not that you're asking too much, more that perhaps what you are asking for and need isn't aligned with what your partner wants and is willing to offer.

A lot of folks, you will see so many posts on this here, keep asking and asking and ultimately nothing changes. The question rapidly becomes how much time and effort do you invest if the other person isn't investing in the same way.

[beanbean]

Yep seems like your partner might not be able or worst might not be willing to give you what you need if you communicate. and they tell you one thing and do another and if it doesn't really feel like he trying then yeah maybe there is a problem 

[CodeName: Trouble]

Hullo Coconut,

Do you two have an in person dynamic or is this a LDR? How long have you been together? How long have you been working on your dynamic?

 

Good on you for bringing this up with him! Sorry it hasn't produced much results yet, thou.

How specific were you able to get when telling him what kind of attention and guidance you wanted?

It can be extremally frustrating when the person you crave attention from most isn't checking all your boxes for needs, just remember they are a person with needs too and this is new for both of you. Try to keep communication Honest, Open, and Kind - and don't be scared to tell your daddy EXACTLY the kind of attention and guidance you are craving, he might just need help navigating his new role!

Every single person who's into this dynamic could have a different preference or idea of what attention and guidance could look like, so It's good to make sure you're on the same page. For some people attention might just be hanging out, while other people might like to be more involved. For some, guidance might be structured and strict while someone else might just be looking for feedback and encouragement. You are both new to this, so be patient and mindful of the learning curve and each others boundaries.

Dynamics don't happen overnight - it's normal for them to take time to come together smoothly. Rushing things can lead to a lot of stress on both parties and misunderstandings, so make sure to take your time and keep talking things out. 

However, you should be on the lookout for other red flags. Adjusting to a new dynamic is one thing, but having your needs ignored when you try to communicate is another. I don't like to assume anyone's relationship is unhealthy, but just be super extra mindful. You two getting into arguments about this isn't good or 'normal', and if you aren't able to have a calm conversation adult-to-adult then it could turn into an even bigger and more volatile issue down the line. If you feel like something is off, you're probably right. It's okay to put your safety and feelings first.

Wishing you nothing but the best ✨

[Guest mortyyy]

4 hours ago, Little kaiya said:

Actions speak louder than words. There are often a lot of folks in the caregiver role who tell their partner they will try harder or do more and then nothing changes. Although they are saying one thing their behaviour conveys a very different message.

It's not that you're asking too much, more that perhaps what you are asking for and need isn't aligned with what your partner wants and is willing to offer.

A lot of folks, you will see so many posts on this here, keep asking and asking and ultimately nothing changes. The question rapidly becomes how much time and effort do you invest if the other person isn't investing in the same way.

I 100% agree with this, unfortunately you can't force someone to change and actions always speak louder than words, ive learnt that the hard way... 

Sending you lots of love and i hope things improve, but if they don't you need to decide if you are going to move on to find a daddy who can give you what you need. 

[Goofy Dad Energy]

 

I would agree with kaiya if this person wasn't new to the dynamic, but I feel like without any context it's safer to assume this person is just in the learning curve of caregiving. Not every person is the same and will have to adjust at their own pace.

 

This being said this person could also discover that caregiving, or even caregiving to the preferences that you would prefer, may not be to his fancy. But with this little context that wouldn't be my first guess.

Try having some more discussions with them and be open to listening to what they say. To me it just sounds like they don't have things down yet is all.

Edited July 18, 2023 by Goofy Dad Energy
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[Guest Coconut]

Thank you so much for the advice guys! This gave me a lot of good things to bring up with him and we talked a bit ago!