Always a cg but new to ddlg and confused

[GentleDady]

2 hours ago, Cebakes said:

Sage advice as always.  The first steps need to happen at home with the wife and determine what they both want.  GentleDady needs to be open about his desires and DDLG.   Couples or individual therapy would  be a great idea as well.  It’s also probably a good idea to get to the bottom of what’s causing the lack of hot romance at home.  A sexless marriage is no fun.

I do empathize with you, as I am out there dating and meeting some women that clearly would never be into DDLG.  I do wrestle with that.  Good littles are hard to find and you need to keep that in mind in all of this. This is a VERY niche lifestyle or kink.  

What is your relationship and caregiving skills like with your boys?  They have to be the priority.  I recommend open communication with your wife, counseling, and taking time to consider all the ramifications of going down this path.   You say you want to remain faithful and don’t want things to change at home, but if you pursue DDLG, things will change.   Best of luck.

 

Sexless relationships are definitely not fun😞

I have very close relationships with my boys.  I am very present with them and spend a lot of time with them.  We work on snowmobiles, cars, tractors and household projects together spend time boating or just hanging out, definitely very much boy stuff.  I care for and love my boys but completely different dynamic from a ddlg relationship 

[lilpincess]

It sounds like you have a great relationship with them 

[GentleDady]

Even if I don't pursue it I think it's been really helpful just finding the ddlg community and recognizing this missing piece

[lilpincess]

Sometimes just having a community and know that there's people you can talk to helps immensely

[Suzette]

20 hours ago, GentleDady said:

I wish I was so confident.  I think I have a lot to offer a little but I'm afraid a long journey to get there

Possible or not ! But, the trip is worth it. We have only 1 life ! But, you received good advices. You have to be mature and intelligent, for take right choices and don't hurt your wife and childrens.

[LilLamby73]

I’m in an extremely similar situation except not being the caregiver part. Married, spouse isn’t into it and just discovering this part of me exists and the need to be taken care of.  Husband is 14 years younger and I have often felt like I have 3 children. But also not wanting to cheat on him either. 
 

I’m available for a chat if you ever want or need. 

[Nixie]

Platonic littles definitely exist! I'm aroace.

My perspective may be a bit different because I'm also polyamorous. It sounds like you want to stay with your wife, but she doesn't even really wanna put effort into the relationship currently. If she's open to other avenues, ethical non monogamy may be an option. I believe it's not really fair to expect one person to meet *all* my needs, and I can have different relationships for different things. 

 

I'm currently a single Pringle (my queer platonic partner/former daddy broke up with me last week 😭😭) but anybody I get with is gonna need to be okay with it. The way I see it is...it's kind of a relief. I love chocolate, and I love ice cream. Sometimes I'm not in the mood for ice cream but I don't stop loving it, I'm just in the mood for chocolate. Neither takes the full burden but it's spread around.

I hope that makes sense. Lol 

[GentleDady]

12 hours ago, Nixie said:

Platonic littles definitely exist! I'm aroace.

My perspective may be a bit different because I'm also polyamorous. It sounds like you want to stay with your wife, but she doesn't even really wanna put effort into the relationship currently. If she's open to other avenues, ethical non monogamy may be an option. I believe it's not really fair to expect one person to meet *all* my needs, and I can have different relationships for different things. 

 

I'm currently a single Pringle (my queer platonic partner/former daddy broke up with me last week 😭😭) but anybody I get with is gonna need to be okay with it. The way I see it is...it's kind of a relief. I love chocolate, and I love ice cream. Sometimes I'm not in the mood for ice cream but I don't stop loving it, I'm just in the mood for chocolate. Neither takes the full burden but it's spread around.

I hope that makes sense. Lol 

It definitely makes sense. 

It's difficult that the standard is that we need to find one person that meets as many needs as possible and that's it.

Also speaking of ice cream and chocolate they're great medication for loneliness and sadness 

Edited July 1, 2023 by GentleDady

[GentleDady]

On 6/30/2023 at 11:28 AM, LilLamby73 said:

I’m in an extremely similar situation except not being the caregiver part. Married, spouse isn’t into it and just discovering this part of me exists and the need to be taken care of.  Husband is 14 years younger and I have often felt like I have 3 children. But also not wanting to cheat on him either. 

Sorry you're going through this too.  Life is interesting just when you think you've figured yourself out you realize there's a whole bunch more in there to unpack

[lilpincess]

21 minutes ago, GentleDady said:

Sorry you're going through this too.  Life is interesting just when you think you've figured yourself out you realize there's a whole bunch more in there to unpack

I understand that. While my situation is somewhat different, things changed a lot when I discovered I was a little. Luckily it’s been for the better. Just take baby steps. You’ll figure it out 🙂

[LilLamby73]

3 hours ago, GentleDady said:

Sorry you're going through this too.  Life is interesting just when you think you've figured yourself out you realize there's a whole bunch more in there to unpack

Amen to that.  And thank you.  But what is life if not a journey? Things began to turn around mentally when I decided to quit compromising major parts of myself. I began to create again and took back small pieces at a time, like the clothes I wanted to wear. I still need to have a conversation with my husband, and I haven’t. My therapist asks me “what are you afraid of?”  Honestly, if my marriage ended, I’ve been through worse and came out a better person.  For me it’s been a timing issue. Good thoughts towards you and your situation.  Lots of good listeners here, that’s for sure, of which I am just one. 

[LittlespaceCaregiver]

I understand that you're going through a complex situation and it's important to talk about your feelings. Exploring new desires and interests can be confusing, especially when they conflict with your current relationship dynamics.

Firstly, it's essential to acknowledge that there's nothing inherently wrong or strange about having different preferences or desires, including those related to ageplay or the DDLG dynamic. People have diverse interests and forms of expression, and it's important to approach them with open-mindedness and respect for everyone involved.

However, it's crucial to prioritize open and honest communication with your partner about your feelings and needs. Having an open conversation can help you both understand each other better and find a way to meet each other's desires within the boundaries of your relationship. It's possible that your wife may be open to exploring aspects of your caregiving tendencies or finding a compromise that satisfies both of you.

If you feel that discussing this topic directly with your wife is challenging or may not yield the desired outcome, seeking the assistance of a qualified therapist is indeed a good idea. A Kink aware therapist can provide a safe and non-judgmental space for you to explore your feelings and help you navigate your desires while considering the impact on your marriage and family.

Remember that seeking a secret relationship outside of your marriage without your partner's knowledge and consent is not a healthy or ethical solution. It's essential to prioritize open communication, mutual consent, and respect for everyone involved.

 

 

Edited July 2, 2023 by LittlespaceCaregiver

[MissNMTX]

First, I want to say I think it's very brave to be so open about your situation. Also so open to learning and receiving advice. I wanted to let you know that what you are experiencing actually is very common, maybe not the already married part, but definitely the rest. Whenever, each of us discovered our "alternative" needs there is always such a learning curve. So much self exploration involved. Trying to figure out who we are, what we really need, and what works for our lives. All of that is very normal. It's a very long, possibly neverending journey.

Maybe I missed this in the midst of all the comments, but you said you were most attracted to the caregiving aspects, can you not do that for your wife? I'm almost certain that as a wife and mother she has needs as well. I definitely think counseling could help you both sort through all of this.

Platonic caregiving relationships do exist. Though if I'm honest, I've never understood how they work. For me the dynamic (when done well) is far to deep and intense for that. But of course, platonic should always be the foundation because trust and communication have to be formed.

There really is so much that could be said here. For now I'd encourage you to stay and learn, invest that time. Communicate with your wife as you learn. At the very least she deserves to be kept in the loop about what is on your mind and heart. Of course, we're always here as well.

[Cebakes]

On 6/29/2023 at 8:45 AM, GentleDady said:

Sexless relationships are definitely not fun😞

I have very close relationships with my boys.  I am very present with them and spend a lot of time with them.  We work on snowmobiles, cars, tractors and household projects together spend time boating or just hanging out, definitely very much boy stuff.  I care for and love my boys but completely different dynamic from a ddlg relationship 

You seem like a good dad and a caring person who is in a tough spot.  I started writing this earlier in the day and got sidetracked, and I see that the question has now been asked that I was curious about.  When you first met your wife, and you guys were younger, did your caregiving traits come out with her?  Can they be rekindled? What about salvaging things in the bedroom between you two?  
 

You’ve gotten some pretty good advice here with the constant theme of starting discussions at home with your wife as the first step.  If you two can’t get on the same page about some of these important things, see if she would ever consider the two of you having ENM or poly relationships.  They are much more common out there these days.

[GentleDady]

5 hours ago, Cebakes said:

You seem like a good dad and a caring person who is in a tough spot.  I started writing this earlier in the day and got sidetracked, and I see that the question has now been asked that I was curious about.  When you first met your wife, and you guys were younger, did your caregiving traits come out with her?  Can they be rekindled? What about salvaging things in the bedroom between you two?  
 

You’ve gotten some pretty good advice here with the constant theme of starting discussions at home with your wife as the first step.  If you two can’t get on the same page about some of these important things, see if she would ever consider the two of you having ENM or poly relationships.  They are much more common out there these days.

Early in the relationship we would shower together and I'd wash her hair, help her dry and brush her hair but as the relationship progressed that went away.  I hope some of that will come back but we'll see.  It was something but still fell short of the ddlg/caregiver dynamic.  I feel like a loving little would appreciate all that on such a deep level and want to make sure her daddy knows it.  I would love to see someone excited to be spoiled, I'm a sucker for a big smile and enthusiastic hug.  Some of the problem now is even when I try to caregive a bit it never seems appreciated. 

We are definitely still partners in raising the kids and enjoy spending family time together. 

Risking getting too personal- it's not completely sexless but rare.  When something happens it's not very intimate, and she never starts it. 

I don't plan to do anything now just processing everything.  I want to make things work even without any ddlg dynamic.  It's mostly been really helpful just figuring out there's a name for it and people out there.  

[Will]

Your wife not being interested in intimacy is a serious issue, trust me this can often become permanent. Women who express they are no longer sexually interested are often in fact highly sexually in need, and often seek it elsewhere.

So if I were you I’d confront this head-on, and my own experience is that being a default Mr Niceguy isn’t particularly sexually arousing for women. Check this by reading profiles of married women on elicit affairs sites, almost all seek masculine traits and strong dominant men as they say hubby cannot arouse them as he is too soft n unexciting. Men on average seek feminine traits in female partners and likewise women on average seek masculine characteristics. Of course there are exceptions but you only have to watch reality shows like Love Island to note which types of guys get the strongest attention from women.

So my personal take is to max out your masculinity to:

1) satisfy your wife if u want a healthy marriage 

2) Attract a potential other partner, perhaps for DDLG role.

My experience is whether DDLG or otherwise, for the most part your sexual value is determined by your masculinity. Billions of years of evolution to include the unbroken chain of our animals ancestors, was shaped by maté selection and in animals and Humans certain characteristics are selected based around health/ genetic prowess/ strength etc, and this genetic software is as pronounced as ever.

Enjoy the journey my friend 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Little kaiya]

I honestly cannot disagree more with the reply above, not to mention be amazed at the amount of the response that promotes masculinity in a very toxic way.

There are tons of women who are looking for something other than masculine traits and dominance. That us a very antiquated notion that perpetuated garbage stereotypes like "real men don't cry". The idea that a person's sexual value is determined by masculinity is so wrong it's unreal.

As for a healthy marriage being based on "satisfying your wife" . . . . There is so so so much more to it than that.

[Cebakes]

8 minutes ago, Little kaiya said:

I honestly cannot disagree more with the reply above, not to mention be amazed at the amount of the response that promotes masculinity in a very toxic way.

There are tons of women who are looking for something other than masculine traits and dominance. That us a very antiquated notion that perpetuated garbage stereotypes like "real men don't cry". The idea that a person's sexual value is determined by masculinity is so wrong it's unreal.

As for a healthy marriage being based on "satisfying your wife" . . . . There is so so so much more to it than that.

That was a pretty myopic view on what women seek and came close to questioning the op’s masculinity.  There are a large amount of women out there that seek a dominant male, but you can’t use such a broad brush stroke to say what women want.   I used to use the word alpha male, but I no longer use that term because of some of the toxic masculinity traits that many associate with the words. 

[DaddysMonkey]

13 hours ago, Will said:

Your wife not being interested in intimacy is a serious issue, trust me this can often become permanent. Women who express they are no longer sexually interested are often in fact highly sexually in need, and often seek it elsewhere.

So if I were you I’d confront this head-on, and my own experience is that being a default Mr Niceguy isn’t particularly sexually arousing for women. Check this by reading profiles of married women on elicit affairs sites, almost all seek masculine traits and strong dominant men as they say hubby cannot arouse them as he is too soft n unexciting. Men on average seek feminine traits in female partners and likewise women on average seek masculine characteristics. Of course there are exceptions but you only have to watch reality shows like Love Island to note which types of guys get the strongest attention from women.

So my personal take is to max out your masculinity to:

1) satisfy your wife if u want a healthy marriage 

2) Attract a potential other partner, perhaps for DDLG role.

My experience is whether DDLG or otherwise, for the most part your sexual value is determined by your masculinity. Billions of years of evolution to include the unbroken chain of our animals ancestors, was shaped by maté selection and in animals and Humans certain characteristics are selected based around health/ genetic prowess/ strength etc, and this genetic software is as pronounced as ever.

Enjoy the journey my friend 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Just stopping by to say this is pretty laughable in my opinion. I don’t mind being an asshole and saying that. 
 

Is that the type of woman you want to spend your life with ? One you model after chicks on affair sites ? Unless you’re a deviant that’s not expressing your true intentions…. Perhaps. 
 

As an extremely masculine female ; I can say that I look for balance in my partners of their masculine and feminine sides. Dad bakes , he can sew very well and doesn’t mind doing house chores. Brother is very in tuned with his emotions and expresses them very well and he does not shy away from artsy activities and indulging me in my feminine moments such as complimenting my make up. Majority of these traits considered feminine to most looking from the outside in. They love that I’m strong and work out , I can fend for myself AND for them , they enjoy that I’m able to fix things by myself (I just enjoy them helping) as well as my VERY unfeminine language choices. 
 

I hate the phrase “toxic masculinity”. I believe it exists on the same planet as “extreme feminist”. These terms have been morphed so much over time that it means something different to everyone , such as what is masculine or feminine. In my book , you’re either a good human or a piece of garbage doo doo person , and sometimes there are some grey babies in there that are working to becoming a good human. 
 

Is it being a good human to cheat on your partner ? To try to reinforce the idea that someone has to be an “alpha big ole dick swinging hog of a man” to get laid or to have a meaningful partnership ? 
 

To the OP ; I hope you can have a sit down with your partner and discuss different ways you might be able to implement caregiving in a way that they are comfortable with and you can get enjoyment and fulfillment at the same time. I will preach this until I am beyond dead in my grave :

C O M M U N I C A T E ! 
Nothing will ever beat simple communication and talking to each other. This lifestyle can be played out in SO many ways. You’ll find your footing , just don’t rush or stress it. There is a lot of wonderful and knowledgeable people on this forum from all different walks of life. Some are single because they want to be , some are sad they’re single. Some go through partners like bubble gum on the bottom of your shoe , and there’s people like me who have been in a partnership for 11 or so years. All of us and our lifestyles are different , educate yourself , express yourself , and most of all… try to filter out dumb dumb advice. You’ll know it when you see it if you genuinely want this lifestyle for more than just fun and games. 
 

✌️ deuces 

Edited July 5, 2023 by DaddysMonkey

[Andriel_Isilien]

I cannot shake the fact that a child (or children) may be affected by your choices whether you like it or not. They cannot consent to any of this. Please be very careful. Yes, your needs matter too. Your wife is an adult, granted, but her consent is valid because this will affect her as well. What she decides will also affect your kids.

I cannot condone seeking intimacy (sexual or not) outside of marriage without the partner knowing. I strongly disagree with keeping secrets. It's good to process what you are feeling here. I hope you are able to find some good advice.

[Vampiress]

20 hours ago, Will said:

Your wife not being interested in intimacy is a serious issue, trust me this can often become permanent. Women who express they are no longer sexually interested are often in fact highly sexually in need, and often seek it elsewhere.

So if I were you I’d confront this head-on, and my own experience is that being a default Mr Niceguy isn’t particularly sexually arousing for women. Check this by reading profiles of married women on elicit affairs sites, almost all seek masculine traits and strong dominant men as they say hubby cannot arouse them as he is too soft n unexciting. Men on average seek feminine traits in female partners and likewise women on average seek masculine characteristics. Of course there are exceptions but you only have to watch reality shows like Love Island to note which types of guys get the strongest attention from women.

So my personal take is to max out your masculinity to:

1) satisfy your wife if u want a healthy marriage 

2) Attract a potential other partner, perhaps for DDLG role.

My experience is whether DDLG or otherwise, for the most part your sexual value is determined by your masculinity. Billions of years of evolution to include the unbroken chain of our animals ancestors, was shaped by maté selection and in animals and Humans certain characteristics are selected based around health/ genetic prowess/ strength etc, and this genetic software is as pronounced as ever.

Enjoy the journey my friend 

 

Oh you sound delightful. This post is throwing up so many red flags for me. You have a very jaded view of women, and your words are full of misogyny.

I don't need to repeat a lot of what has already been said.... but any other Doms/Daddies/men reading this? Take note, and do NOT aspire to be or think this way. It's not going to get you anywhere good.

Please do NOT assume if a woman loses interest in sex that she is wanting or looking for it elsewhere. There are a lot of reasons. Maybe there isn't enough harmony in the relationship? Hormones changed? As women age or have children, things in their body change and their interests in sex may differ. Maybe she just realizes she is not as into it anymore because she finds out that maybe she was doing it to people please or as a reaction to past trauma. There are SO MANY OTHER REASONS. Better to ask, listen, and see how you can support her. Maybe you can help her get that desire back (therapy and seeing a doctor might be good if the change is based on hormones or past issues), and if you just can't then you need to then decide if this is a relationship you can continue to make work either by accepting it, maybe opening up your relationship with her consent, or moving on if you really have to have those needs met.

Edit: I should also add that things like depression, anxiety, and things like that can also greatly affect how interested in sex someone is. Another reason why therapy and seeing a doctor can potentially help resolve this issue over time. 

Edited July 6, 2023 by Vampiress

[GentleDady]

2 hours ago, beanbean said:

Whoa this thread went crazy lol 

Yes, yes it did. 

I'm the OP and received some really good advice before it derailed.  It's been helpful just hearing advice and thinking more about it.

My masculinity is doing just fine.  My wife is just more into parenting right now and our relationship has taken a back seat.  I'm not doing anything until I think it over and discuss with my wife.  Really not at a time in my life I want to start over.  

I think I got the help I need for now so if this post keeps going crazy I recommend that the moderator shut it down 

[shadowrider]

@GentleDady First I would like to apologize for the derailment of your topic. It has been cleaned up to some degree and you are welcome to resume your discussion. If you as the OP see anything else that needs removing please do not hesitate to message me.

I trust that everyone involved from this point on will remain on topic.

If we cannot stay on track and focus on the OP and their questions and concerns like the intelligent and caring people I know y'all to be I will remove more than just comments next time.