The adventures of me and my brain

[Guest PuppyDogTailz]

So my brain keeps bringing me back to my trans man days and making me tell myself that I’m too masculine to be a woman. That I just look like a man and I’ll never be an actual woman. That women don’t want to approach me because I’m
”overly masculine and maybe they think I’m a dude.” And I know that’s most likely not the case, but my brain is trying REALLL hard to convince me. And I don’t want to be a trans man because I’m NOT one. Yes I do enjoy masculine pronouns every now and then but I also could care less if I was called a she or a girl. My brain wants me to think it’s my fault for having the absolute worst luck in talking to people..

- Short, dry texts. Small replies. Barely enough for me to even be able to reply to. End up distancing from each other because I can’t keep the conversation going with their one worded texts. Meet another person, it all repeats again. I thought getting to know someone meant TALKING TO THEM. HAS IT CHANGED OR SOMETHING?? And I get the whole “I have anxiety and it’s hard for me to text people” I know, I used to be that way and sometimes I’m like that when my social battery is dead..but I specifically put in my personal ads that I am NOT looking for someone who can’t give the effort back. I’m not looking for short replies, small texting, etc in the getting-to-know stage. I’m so talkative now that I literally can’t connect with someone if they can’t be talkative back..and I will mention though that I know not everyone’s the same. There are cool ass people and I have some cool ass friends. I’ve had some fun dates in the past and super talkative and fun partners..but it’s just weird to me that everyone I try to meet NOW is just the same in a way. Or they read my “texting warning” on my personal and still try to “chat” with me, which eventually ends in us going our separate ways because the conversation died.

And I’ve NEVER dated a girl. EVER. And I’m going to be patient no matter how long it takes to find her. I’m not making this a “oh no I can’t find anyone” post. I’m just letting off some steam :’D I know I’ll find her one day. I know I will. It’s just super frustrating sometimes. Brains suck. I don’t want MINEEE.

Edited June 20, 2023 by PuppyDogTailz

[MysticSand]

I think the crux of this isn't your appearance or gender expression, but more so it's just kind of difficult to connect with people in general. I can be a heavy wall of texter, but that requires the conversation to be deep and on things that genuinely matter and are interesting. It's hard to facilitate conversation on superficial things alone. So weirdly, I feel like some trauma bonding may be necessary to really spark conversation? On both sides obviously, and doesn't have to be too deep, but just something deeper than the weather or that it's tough out here. 😅

Edited July 17, 2023 by MysticSand