The curious case of "Online Wannabes"

[LittleNyx]

I've been thinking about this topic for some time now. I have 15 years of experience with online environments and virtual worlds including D/s communities. I've seen all of the red flags, yellow flags, and scammer techniques. I've heard the word "wannabe" many times. Wannabes who have no idea what they are doing. They roleplay...they're having fun, then they can just hit the big "X" button on the top and never come back. They are the ones who enjoy some aspects of D/s but only on the surface. They have some desires regarding D/s except they're not coming from the heart. But it's so cute to play the princess when I want...or it's so cool to pose like a powerful Dom/me although I have no clue what a Dom/me is. Right? The worst is when they cause more harm than a few sad days. Sadly, I know people who got so damaged mentally and emotionally in an online D/s relationship, they needed therapy in real life.

The reason why I wanted to write this post is because "wannabes" don't always display the typical red flags. Sometimes they just run away when they realize that it's not enough to play a cute baby girl or a dominant guide. When it becomes clear that D/s comes with a form of trust and communication that don't exist in any other type of relationship, they get scared...and their partner gets hurt. 

Yes, sometimes the person just needs to learn and grow. The lack of experience or education doesn't mean they are fake; lack of responsibility does. Besides the typical red flags, I think it's useful to watch out for other signs including overexcitement. Someone who literally jumps at you, wanting to be your sub or Dom/me after 10 seconds (or worse, they jump at everyone), may not be a genuine sub or Dom/me. Just my 2 cents

 

Edited June 13, 2023 by LittleNyx

[beanbean]

The sad fact the internet makes everything easy so you can skip steps so that does sometimes does attract people the want it easy or just to have fun or whatever .so the thing about those kind of people's if you take it slow not of the time they poof cause the can find an easier mark. So that why getting to know a person slowly is better imo 

[AspiringDaddy]

( Does aspiring count as wannabe? Asking for a friend  )

I jumped into this knowing that I know nothing. Which is more than what wannabes know. There's no rule book. Just a few vague guidelines.

The golden rule, as you point out @LittleNyx, is it has to come from the heart. IMO, you should already have what it takes; I'm not sure it can be learned. Anyway, that was my gut feeling. And yes, then there's responsibility. Take responsibility of the consequences of your actions on your partner. When you consider the amount of trust that is involved, you must realize that breaking it would be heart-shattering and absolutely devastating. What responsible person could click the big "X" button and ghost in such a situation? This isn't a game. We're dealing with a person's core. A person's deepest feelings, laid bare for you, for the taking. Freely given.

Handle with utmost care.

[beanbean]

28 minutes ago, AspiringDaddy said:

( Does aspiring count as wannabe? Asking for a friend  )

I jumped into this knowing that I know nothing. Which is more than what wannabes know. There's no rule book. Just a few vague guidelines.

The golden rule, as you point out @LittleNyx, is it has to come from the heart. IMO, you should already have what it takes; I'm not sure it can be learned. Anyway, that was my gut feeling. And yes, then there's responsibility. Take responsibility of the consequences of your actions on your partner. When you consider the amount of trust that is involved, you must realize that breaking it would be heart-shattering and absolutely devastating. What responsible person could click the big "X" button and ghost in such a situation? This isn't a game. We're dealing with a person's core. A person's deepest feelings, laid bare for you, for the taking. Freely given.

Handle with utmost care.

Lol I don't think knowing nothing counts because you seemed to want something real and wanted to work for it that's the big difference 

[sweetgirl222]

Where’s the “on the nosie” button when you need it - lol. 
 

@AspiringDaddy - learning curves are ok as long as you’re honest about where you are. Since you’re taking the time to evaluate  yourself…I’d say you don’t fell into those categories.

[AspiringDaddy]

14 minutes ago, sweetgirl222 said:

Where’s the “on the nosie” button when you need it - lol. 
 

@AspiringDaddy - learning curves are ok as long as you’re honest about where you are. Since you’re taking the time to evaluate  yourself…I’d say you don’t fell into those categories.

Thanks @sweetgirl222 

I have the privilege to have this fantastic girl who patiently nudges her Daddy. I couldn't have hoped for a better guide. ❤️

[sweetgirl222]

Lucky both of you - yay!!!

[LittleNyx]

By learning, I meant learning about D/s. A lot of people feel it in their core that they are submissives or Dominants but not sure where to go from there. 

[MysticSand]

17 hours ago, LittleNyx said:

Yes, sometimes the person just needs to learn and grow. The lack of experience or education doesn't mean they are fake; lack of responsibility does.

I think this is a great point you bring up! Do you think these people that are surface level/inexperienced, are self-aware enough to know this? Do you think it's purposeful when they run away? I don't mean to say "purposeful" in the sense that they're out to hurt people, but maybe they're out to fulfill their own needs and desires without taking into consideration that they are indeed playing a special role in someone else's life. Perhaps that big "x" is them willing away responsibility like you say.

I understand it's so much easier to ghost and be invisible or mean online, but it's still such a strange fact that people can go around knowingly and willingly hurting people. Do they have no conscience? No empathy? What a wild concept, but maybe that's the norm? Particularly for those that have grown up with faceless strangers being such a large part of their lives.

[LittleNyx]

I think they may, but I pointed out to that because I don't want people to feel that not being able to communicate the "D/s way" for example is a sin  Also, being new to the lifestyle can be very confusing...but yes, running away from responsibility has nothing to do with that. There is no excuse for that. 

[Cebakes]

8 hours ago, MysticSand said:

I think this is a great point you bring up! Do you think these people that are surface level/inexperienced, are self-aware enough to know this? Do you think it's purposeful when they run away? I don't mean to say "purposeful" in the sense that they're out to hurt people, but maybe they're out to fulfill their own needs and desires without taking into consideration that they are indeed playing a special role in someone else's life. Perhaps that big "x" is them willing away responsibility like you say.

I understand it's so much easier to ghost and be invisible or mean online, but it's still such a strange fact that people can go around knowingly and willingly hurting people. Do they have no conscience? No empathy? What a wild concept, but maybe that's the norm? Particularly for those that have grown up with faceless strangers being such a large part of their lives.

I think communication norms on these alt sites as well as regular dating sites have dramatically changed over the past five years.  I see it and hear it and it’s especially bad on free sites.   We live in an instant gratification society and people are quick to move on if they don’t get what they like. Men and women are both guilty of this.   
 

It is strange how some people are wired and don’t feel bad when they hurt someone.  Many times these people are narcissists or have other psychological issues that cause this type of callous behavior.  Sometimes their actions are intentional, other times they don’t even realize they are hurting someone.

Ghosting is just so bad.  All it takes is a brief email/text or two to explain your thought process and end things.   

 

Edited June 14, 2023 by Cebakes

[Goofy Dad Energy]

I think it unfortunately comes down to what cebakes said above. People have been conditioned to have short attention spans meaning they are always chasing a "high." 

 

I am also weary of using the terms fake, wannabe ect. Because if a person is being abusive or manipulative that's what they should be called instead. Kink communities and similar communities already have it rough when it comes to bad actors so downplaying the abuse with other names is a disservice.

 

that doesn't get rid of the hurt that it can cause, I think most of us have been there, but at least can help others learn and potentially help identify the signs of someone like this.

Edited June 14, 2023 by Goofy Dad Energy

[LittleNyx]

I understand what you wrote about words. Abusers would need a brand new post...sadly. On the other hand, what's even more sad is that some abusers don't even think that what they're doing is abuse. Speaking of psychological issues, people with BPD and Bipolar disorder are also ones who don't realize when they are abusive. And then there are the narcissists who know and enjoy it  This is a very complicated issue.

I also agree that the quality and style of communication have changed in online environments (and in reality too). However, it affects paid sites as well. It's not better at all  

[sweetgirl222]

2 hours ago, Goofy Dad Energy said:

I think it unfortunately comes down to what cebakes said above. People have been conditioned to have short attention spans meaning they are always chasing a "high." 

 

I am also weary of using the terms fake, wannabe ect. Because if a person is being abusive or manipulative that's what they should be called instead. Kink communities and similar communities already have it rough when it comes to bad actors so downplaying the abuse with other names is a disservice.

 

that doesn't get rid of the hurt that it can cause, I think most of us have been there, but at least can help others learn and potentially help identify the signs of someone like this.

Or we call some of them predators.