How to explore DDLG when partner isn’t part of it

[lilpincess]

I’ve recently discovered I’m a Little (I’m 37), but now that I know that I am, I realize I pretty much always have been and just didn’t know it. It’s like everything clicked into place. That being said,I’m struggling a bit with this new knowledge. I don’t have any problems slipping into Little space, for the most part. My biggest struggle is that my husband, who is amazing, isn’t part of this lifestyle and has no interest in it. He doesn’t know I’m a Little,though I don’t think it would surprise him. But he’s made comments that make it clear this wouldn’t be for him. In addition, if he were interested, it’s much more likely he’d me a Middle rather than a DD. I’m kind of responsible for most things in my relationship, and I hate it. It stresses me out. He helps if I ask, but not long-term, and rarely by his own initiative. For many reasons, having a DD is exactly what I need, and knowing that there is a dynamic out there that could help me with my struggles is painful right now. I wish I had discovered this about me sooner. I’m not sure what todo. I struggle with depression and anxiety, and honestly, I’ve been feeling pretty down lately. I also have some health issues that make things more difficult, and I just feel like it’s too late for me (I don’t mean that in a suicidal way). I just feel very lost and alone.

[beanbean]

Sorry your going through this not sure there is much that can be done you can talk to him and tell him how you or at least tell him the responsibilitys are choking you and you need help 

[daddyswiss]

I emphasize with how you are feeling. It can be extremely stressful and challenging in a relationship when one party feels like they are putting more into it than they get in return.

You want to feel protected and take some of the weight of responsibility off of your shoulders. You want to have that secure feeling that you could omit to do things and it will be taken care of.

Have you tried couples counseling? It’s not a silver bullet but it might help to work through some of these thoughts in a way that you can feel heard by him, and help to formulate a recovery plan together.

[lilpincess]

Unfortunately I’ve tried that. Eventually it comes back to me because either I do it or it doesn’t get done. It’s one of the only real issues in our relationship. 

[lilpincess]

@daddyswiss Sort of. We’ve both been through counseling, though not together, at least not regularly. What I think it comes down to is that minus the submissive aspect, my husband is definitely a middle. Until recently, he hasn’t really had to “be an adult,” for the most part. We’re very similar, have similar traumas, and that’s what I needed when we met (other than a DD, which I didn’t know I needed at the time). And when it comes to my health issues (I’m diabetic and I have something called ankylosing spondylitis), he has been my rock. I’ve also recently discovered that I have (and have had since I was a kid) ADHD, something that I think a DD could help with (especially when it comes to remembering things, establishing a routine, a time sucks). 

[daddyswiss]

It sounds like you both are dealing with a lot, sending lots of hugs your way

My oldest son is diabetic so I understand managing this condition can’t be easy, so kudos to him for being your rock and support. Like all relationships, they are complex and messy.

Some small amount of appreciation and initiative can go a long way, us men are rather simple, sometimes we just have to be told

I also learned that you can’t turn your partner into someone they are not. There might be some parts of comfort, security and dependability of being a little under DDs care you can meet in the middle and maybe that is a good compromise.

Keep hope and I’m sure you will find a way to communicate your needs to him 🤗

[lilpincess]

@daddyswiss thanks 🙂

[Vampiress]

Hello! Glad you have been able to discover more about yourself, but am sad to hear it's also presenting some complications for you. I'm not really sure how to resolve this in your marriage, especially if you feel pretty certain he wouldn't be interested and would probably rather be a middle if he even tried. I have heard of littles and middles getting together, but it does seem to be an uncommon occurence. I have a few suggestions without going the route of having you consider that you're just incompatible or going through therapy.

1.) If you do bring it up with him and if he has an interest in being a middle, he could still try to take on more of a CG role like a middle who is a babysitter.

2.) You can bring up the potential of having a platonic caregiver. I do not know how common these are, but I know they exist. As long as you can assure him that it will never be inappropriate or cross any boundaries he may end up being open to it. It may be something you can only do online.

3.) Less ideally, you can learn to kind of be your own CG. I know that isn't what you're looking for, but there are a lot of littles here who cope by being their own CG with charts, rewards, etc. There is a lot of advice sprinkled around the forum for this, and might be your best option in the meantime. It might also help to make little friends where you can hold each other accountable.

[Pinkie69]

1 hour ago, Vampiress said:

Hello! Glad you have been able to discover more about yourself, but am sad to hear it's also presenting some complications for you. I'm not really sure how to resolve this in your marriage, especially if you feel pretty certain he wouldn't be interested and would probably rather be a middle if he even tried. I have heard of littles and middles getting together, but it does seem to be an uncommon occurence. I have a few suggestions without going the route of having you consider that you're just incompatible or going through therapy.

1.) If you do bring it up with him and if he has an interest in being a middle, he could still try to take on more of a CG role like a middle who is a babysitter.

2.) You can bring up the potential of having a platonic caregiver. I do not know how common these are, but I know they exist. As long as you can assure him that it will never be inappropriate or cross any boundaries he may end up being open to it. It may be something you can only do online.

3.) Less ideally, you can learn to kind of be your own CG. I know that isn't what you're looking for, but there are a lot of littles here who cope by being their own CG with charts, rewards, etc. There is a lot of advice sprinkled around the forum for this, and might be your best option in the meantime. It might also help to make little friends where you can hold each other accountable.

best advice . my partner n i DO have a DDlg relationship however what u said abt online stuff is great advice. i do online sw. coz when we met i was an escort.  we fell in love and i no longer do meets but i do online stuff. It works for us. i'm just saying online is defs a possibility and it can work 4sure. 

[Pinkie69]

Just now, RagDoll69 said:

best advice . my partner n i DO have a DDlg relationship however what u said abt online stuff is great advice. i do online sw. coz when we met i was an escort.  we fell in love and i no longer do meets but i do online stuff. It works for us. i'm just saying online is defs a possibility and it can work 4sure. 

also the platonic cg is a good idea. u always have great advice @Vampiress also i love how u write in red to represent blood.

[Vampiress]

15 minutes ago, RagDoll69 said:

also the platonic cg is a good idea. u always have great advice @Vampiress also i love how u write in red to represent blood.

Thank you so much! 

[lilpincess]

Thanks for the advice @Vampiress and @RagDoll69. I’m definitely interested in the platonic option, but I’m not sure how my husband will handle that. All the options come with a risk, but I don’t want to ruin our relationship for something that I may ultimately be able to do without, but on the flip side I don’t want to feel like I’m missing out on something that could really help. A big part of the reason why I’m considering looking for a DD is because I have ADHD, and doing things like lists and whatnot is not something I can do. I’ve tried, even posting it where I can see it. Unfortunately, my husband isn’t able to help with much, because while he doesn’t have ADHD! He has similar issues but for different reasons 

[Guest Runa]

17 hours ago, lilpincess said:

Thanks for the advice @Vampiress and @RagDoll69. I’m definitely interested in the platonic option, but I’m not sure how my husband will handle that. All the options come with a risk, but I don’t want to ruin our relationship for something that I may ultimately be able to do without, but on the flip side I don’t want to feel like I’m missing out on something that could really help. A big part of the reason why I’m considering looking for a DD is because I have ADHD, and doing things like lists and whatnot is not something I can do. I’ve tried, even posting it where I can see it. Unfortunately, my husband isn’t able to help with much, because while he doesn’t have ADHD! He has similar issues but for different reasons 

I'm just chiming in here... but would a conversation with your husband about something platonic be possible?  It seems like you're doing a lot of worrying in your head when you could talk to your husband about it and see how open to things he would be... wait, isn't that an ADHD symptom?  🤭

There are definitely people here on the forum who are open to a platonic relationship!

[lilpincess]

@Runa haha yeah, it’s an ADHD thing and just a general my brain thing. For most of my life I’ve had to bottle things up and couldn’t talk about them. It helps to talk things out here first, especially since it’s all so new to me. Thanks for the advice!

[Guest BabyBug]

I actually went through something similar, except that I was little before we got together. I'm surprised my marriage lasted as long as it did. I also have ADHD and I unfortunately had to do all the working and bill paying. I was struggling with lists and alarms and reminders...and failing miserably. I had talked about a platonic caregiver at one point but the idea was shot down.  Of course there's more to the story that I won't share to the public, but in the end...I had to do what was right for me. I wasn't happy, the situation wasn't safe for me or my kid, and it took a lot of courage to leave. I hope that your situation works out better than mine.

[lilpincess]

@Cricket I’m sorry that happened to you. Yeah, I’m in charge of all the money and bills and stuff, even though he knows I struggle a lot with it, though he’s not very good with money either. One of the few things we argue about. ADHD is definitely a struggle. Feels like I’ve tried everything, but nothing really consistently works. I do feel very safe, so that’s good. 

[Guest BabyBug]

2 minutes ago, lilpincess said:

@Cricket I’m sorry that happened to you. Yeah, I’m in charge of all the money and bills and stuff, even though he knows I struggle a lot with it, though he’s not very good with money either. One of the few things we argue about. ADHD is definitely a struggle. Feels like I’ve tried everything, but nothing really consistently works. I do feel very safe, so that’s good. 

Yup ADHD definitely sucks. It's hard to be consistent as it is and when everything falls on you, it's even harder! 💔 Meds don't always work and the side effects are terrible. Your decision making skills are crap. You have poor judgment which can get you in trouble. And all that to being little, it's a mess sometimes. It's good that you're safe.

[lilpincess]

Just now, Cricket said:

Yup ADHD definitely sucks. It's hard to be consistent as it is and when everything falls on you, it's even harder! 💔 Meds don't always work and the side effects are terrible. Your decision making skills are crap. You have poor judgment which can get you in trouble. And all that to being little, it's a mess sometimes. It's good that you're safe.

Yeah, I’m trying to control it without meds because I’m on a lot because of my back, so adding more makes things more complicated. It’s a struggle though. My husband tries to help as much as he can, but he’s kinda forgetful too in general, and we think very differently, so most of it falls to me. At least I know why my brain works the way it does. I didn’t get diagnosed until I was an adult, so I definitely got called lazy and forgetful a lot, although ironically I did pretty well in school all things considered. But that’s partially because I had a routine and we had to use planners and they were checked, so I had someone making sure I knew what I needed to do

[Cebakes]

13 hours ago, Cricket said:

Yup ADHD definitely sucks. It's hard to be consistent as it is and when everything falls on you, it's even harder! 💔 Meds don't always work and the side effects are terrible. Your decision making skills are crap. You have poor judgment which can get you in trouble. And all that to being little, it's a mess sometimes. It's good that you're safe.

Sorry about your ADHD.  I think I have that, but have never been diagnosed and keep it under control.  I’ve read a fair amount about the topic and several of my kids have it.  I do regret putting one of my boys on Adderall. 
 

My middle S has very bad ADHD.  She was on meds during high school and college to help her focus on school.   It’s something that we’ve discussed ever since I’ve known her and her biggest issues are with obsessing over things, impulse control, and having her mind race.  Keeping her calm and focused has always been one of my tasks.

Regarding being with someone not into DDLG, We are both out dating, and one of our fears or concerns is being with someone who is not into DDLG.  S tried to walk away from it and thought it would help her to be with someone her own age, but her daddy needs are too overpowering.   

DDLG and having a daddy is something of high interest to her ever since she was very young and I don’t know if she can walk away from DDLG.  I don’t try to counsel her on this, it’s something that she needs to figure out.  I do want her to be happy and if marrying  someone her own age can work out, that would be fantastic.

Ive been talking and dating women that are kinky and subs, but haven’t met anyone into DDLG.   Several were interested in exploring DDLG, but their location and other issues didn’t make sense.  I know I can’t be with someone who is vanilla and always put a fair amount of info on my profiles to let women know I’m kinky or have strong alpha traits

[lilpincess]

1 minute ago, Cebakes said:

Sorry about your ADHD.  I think I have that, but have never been diagnosed and keep it under control.  I’ve read a fair amount about the topic and several of my kids have it.  I do regret putting one of my boys on Adderall. 
 

My middle S has very bad ADHD.  She was on meds during high school and college to help her focus on school.   It’s something that we’ve discussed ever since I’ve known her and her biggest issues are with obsessing over things, impulse control, and having her mind race.  Keeping her calm and focused has always been one of my tasks.

Regarding being with someone not into DDLG, We are both out dating, and one of our fears or concerns is being with someone who is not into DDLG.  S tried to walk away from it and thought it would help her to be with someone her own age, but her daddy needs are too overpowering.   

DDLG and having a daddy is something of high interest to her ever since she was very young and I don’t know if she can walk away from DDLG.  I don’t try to counsel her on this, it’s something that she needs to figure out.  I do want her to be happy and if marrying  someone her own age can work out, that would be fantastic.

Ive been talking and dating women that are kinky and subs, but haven’t met anyone into DDLG.   Several were interested in exploring DDLG, but their location and other issues didn’t make sense.  I know I can’t be with someone who is vanilla and always put a fair amount of info on my profiles to let women know I’m kinky or have strong alpha traits

Yeah, the adhd is a struggle, and all those symptoms you listed I definitely have. I’ve been discovering a lot about myself recently, because I didn’t really have the opportunity when I was younger, and it’s hard because I feel like a whole new person that doesn’t seem to fit as well in my current life 

[Pinkie69]

On 5/24/2023 at 11:58 AM, lilpincess said:

Thanks for the advice @Vampiress and @RagDoll69. I’m definitely interested in the platonic option, but I’m not sure how my husband will handle that. All the options come with a risk, but I don’t want to ruin our relationship for something that I may ultimately be able to do without, but on the flip side I don’t want to feel like I’m missing out on something that could really help. A big part of the reason why I’m considering looking for a DD is because I have ADHD, and doing things like lists and whatnot is not something I can do. I’ve tried, even posting it where I can see it. Unfortunately, my husband isn’t able to help with much, because while he doesn’t have ADHD! He has similar issues but for different reasons 

i wish i had more for u. @Vampiress gave better advice i just kind of aggreeed with her advice lol