Being a sub

[smol.kimbap]

So not only am I little, I'm also a puppy, and submissive. And lately I have no idea how to show it nons*xually. Like when I'm little with a partner sure I'm the sub/little and they do everything for me. But I'm so lost lately because I'm a horribly headstrong gremlin most of the time and it's hard to show submission to a guy. Like handholding, opening their door, ect. But I don't know how to bring myself down to do more than that. Or what else I could do. And like I don't want to be collared (if I am to be collared) 100% of the time unable to take it off or not wear one if I don't feel like it. I just feel like it's when you have a dog and that dog might now be wearing a collar or tag but both you and the dog know it belongs to you. Every time I talk to a guy they don't like that.. because I'm not submissive all the time 24/7 on my knees bringing their drinks or washing their feet. It's just not me. I don't even like for guys to tell me what I can/can't wear or who I can talk to because of past trauma with very abusive ex-daddys. I just dunno what to do or how to find my submissive self if that makes sense. I don't know what I should do.. but I do know I'm a submissive and not a domme/top. I just can't seem to figure out how to act like a submissive. Headspace is good but when I'm not subby I can't bring myself to be a 60s housewife doing every single thing for a man.

[LongTimeMe]

So what I think you are saying is there are times when you want to be a little, there are times when you want to be a pet, there are times when you want to be submissive and there are times when you want to be a straight human. And for all those options there are times when you want non-sexual and (sometimes) sexual contexts.

You need to work out a way of communicating with whoever your partner is a method to announce what mood you are in: Sign's on a chalkboard/whiteboard, specific clothing to portray your mood, etc. That way you get what you want and you both don't get confused or upset. 

Finding a person who understands this and can cope with your changes is not going to be easy, but the one who you choose and chooses you will be a very lucky person.

 

[DaddyDom3238]

Hello, please do not feel badly or that you need to be a certain way. I have been in the lifestyle for a very long time and no Daddy/Dom is the same and no little/sub is the same. No one level of submission is correct over another, and I say this very strongly if any Daddy/Dom attempts to force you into a lifestyle, dynamic, or role that you are not comfortable with or is not you do not think for a second that is ok. Your submission is a gift to whomever you gift it to and they should treat you as such, I have had little/subs that fluctuated from day to day as far as their level of submission depending how they were feeling that day. You are human and should be respected and treated properly. In the end you as the little/sub determine what you are comfortable with, you never know once you feel that level of trust again because of past trauma you may adapt and change. Every dynamic evolves depending on the stage of life that you are in and that is the amazing part of the lifestyle, growing and evolving together. I wish you the best and feel free to reach out if you have any concerns, questions, or would just like to chat. 

[Guest Runa]

3 hours ago, smol.kimbap said:

So not only am I little, I'm also a puppy, and submissive. And lately I have no idea how to show it nons*xually. Like when I'm little with a partner sure I'm the sub/little and they do everything for me. But I'm so lost lately because I'm a horribly headstrong gremlin most of the time and it's hard to show submission to a guy. Like handholding, opening their door, ect. But I don't know how to bring myself down to do more than that. Or what else I could do. And like I don't want to be collared (if I am to be collared) 100% of the time unable to take it off or not wear one if I don't feel like it. I just feel like it's when you have a dog and that dog might now be wearing a collar or tag but both you and the dog know it belongs to you. Every time I talk to a guy they don't like that.. because I'm not submissive all the time 24/7 on my knees bringing their drinks or washing their feet. It's just not me. I don't even like for guys to tell me what I can/can't wear or who I can talk to because of past trauma with very abusive ex-daddys. I just dunno what to do or how to find my submissive self if that makes sense. I don't know what I should do.. but I do know I'm a submissive and not a domme/top. I just can't seem to figure out how to act like a submissive. Headspace is good but when I'm not subby I can't bring myself to be a 60s housewife doing every single thing for a man.

Hihi kimbap! 

It really does sound like you're struggling to find yourself and your submission because the Doms (if they even are Doms?) you're interacting with don't approve of your submission.  But in this dynamic there has to be an agreement, an understanding, of what's going to be expected of you.  If you don't want to be submissive 24/7 then your Dom shouldn't be asking that of you.

It seems to me that you might be better having set times for being little, being a pet and being sub.  And it seems like you need to clear what your limits are - they can be whatever you need and want them to be, there are not "wrong limits".

I'm not sure if that helped at all...

Edit:  I just wanted to add that BDSM isn't about making someone do something they don't want to do.  Nor is it about taking away someone's freedom or forcing them to serve.  There is a balance... you give your submission, your allow them to control but you also set the limits and that should always be respected!

Edited May 19, 2023 by Runa
Added another thought...

[Vampiress]

8 hours ago, smol.kimbap said:

So not only am I little, I'm also a puppy, and submissive. And lately I have no idea how to show it nons*xually. Like when I'm little with a partner sure I'm the sub/little and they do everything for me. But I'm so lost lately because I'm a horribly headstrong gremlin most of the time and it's hard to show submission to a guy. Like handholding, opening their door, ect. But I don't know how to bring myself down to do more than that. Or what else I could do. And like I don't want to be collared (if I am to be collared) 100% of the time unable to take it off or not wear one if I don't feel like it. I just feel like it's when you have a dog and that dog might now be wearing a collar or tag but both you and the dog know it belongs to you. Every time I talk to a guy they don't like that.. because I'm not submissive all the time 24/7 on my knees bringing their drinks or washing their feet. It's just not me. I don't even like for guys to tell me what I can/can't wear or who I can talk to because of past trauma with very abusive ex-daddys. I just dunno what to do or how to find my submissive self if that makes sense. I don't know what I should do.. but I do know I'm a submissive and not a domme/top. I just can't seem to figure out how to act like a submissive. Headspace is good but when I'm not subby I can't bring myself to be a 60s housewife doing every single thing for a man.

Being submissive does NOT mean you have to do everything for your partner and it does not mean you have to be in that headspace all of the time. If you consent to do everything for them, that's one thing, but not all subs do everything for their partner. To give up that much control would probably make you more of a slave type than a sub. As a submissive you have every right to set your boundaries and decide what submission means to you. Your partner does not get to determine what level of submission is comfortable for you. Also, we all have our own lives with worries and stresses and it can be hard to stay in one headspace 100% of the time. Submission could be as simple as your partner takes more of a mentor and caring role with you, or maybe it just means you're more submissive during sex. If a partner is making you feel bad or guilty because you won't serve them like a maid or let them control your clothing that is a RED flag. They are allowed to have their wants, but you are allowed to say no. You do not have to do anything you don't consent to. If they are unwilling to negotiate terms of what they want with what you want, then turn around and walk away because that is a person who does not care about you. Once they put their wants above you, then that is a fundamental incompatibility that is only going to make you unhappy.

[Punographer]

On 5/19/2023 at 9:59 AM, smol.kimbap said:

So not only am I little, I'm also a puppy, and submissive. And lately I have no idea how to show it nons*xually. Like when I'm little with a partner sure I'm the sub/little and they do everything for me. But I'm so lost lately because I'm a horribly headstrong gremlin most of the time and it's hard to show submission to a guy. Like handholding, opening their door, ect. But I don't know how to bring myself down to do more than that. Or what else I could do. And like I don't want to be collared (if I am to be collared) 100% of the time unable to take it off or not wear one if I don't feel like it. I just feel like it's when you have a dog and that dog might now be wearing a collar or tag but both you and the dog know it belongs to you. Every time I talk to a guy they don't like that.. because I'm not submissive all the time 24/7 on my knees bringing their drinks or washing their feet. It's just not me. I don't even like for guys to tell me what I can/can't wear or who I can talk to because of past trauma with very abusive ex-daddys. I just dunno what to do or how to find my submissive self if that makes sense. I don't know what I should do.. but I do know I'm a submissive and not a domme/top. I just can't seem to figure out how to act like a submissive. Headspace is good but when I'm not subby I can't bring myself to be a 60s housewife doing every single thing for a man.

Frankly, a lot of the being submissive 24/7 and thoughts of being more traditionally submissive are not easy things for the modern woman or even the modern person. There are people out there who engage in TPE (total power exchange) and live the 24/7 lifestyle to the extreme. Relationships like this do not just sprout over night or even a couple years. It takes hard work and commitment. Anyone asking for that up front is a red flag whack job looking for a fun fantasy. 

Your honesty about how you feel regarding your submission is a great foundation to build boundaries. You don't have to do things you don't want to (even if your partner really wants you to). It sounds like you're struggling with what a little should look like and how you fit into that image. Is it a bad thing that you only feel little in physically intimate moments? Do you need to be little outside of that? Is there anything wrong with being an awesomely headstrong kickass gremlin? I think you have all the answers inside you, you just need to know to follow your gut and what feels right to you! Journal it out and trust your instincts.

[Bunny Daddy]

I dont think think there is anything wrong with not being submissive 24/7 the whole point in the lifestyle is being yourself and doing what makes YOU happy; yes sometimes that you have to compromise with your counterpart to make sure that you are both happy is extremely important but if you have to leave your comfort zone to make them happy then it's counterproductive. Just be yourself and find that happy medium and if you are with the right person I'm sure they would understand 100%

[Little kaiya]

I think sometimes there is a confusion between being a sub and acting submissively, they aren't synonymous. I am always my Daddy's little and His submissive. I wear a day collar 24/7 that is locked on and can only be opened by my Daddy.

That said, that doesn't mean that I always defer to my Daddy or put His desires in front of mine. It doesn't mean I am always engaged in acts of service to Him either. Being a submissive is a mindset that guides how a person likes to approach life. That said, there are times submissives need to take control, make decisions or stress/prioritize their own needs. It's just like there are times littles need to make adult decisions and behave in adult ways.

Behaviour is one thing. Mindset is another. They are related but not interchangeable.