Out of sight, out of mind

[J_Sophie]

I hate sleeping with the light on. The light is harsh and it makes it hard to go to sleep. But I also hate the dark, cause it's the dark. Who knows what little things, or big things, (we don't discriminate here) are hiding in the dark. And I know things can still find you in broad daylight but at least if the light's turned on, I can see 'em coming. 

This is my life now. I make it make sense. And I do a fairly good job at it. It doesn't need to be perfect because again, who really needs perfect. As long as I'm breathing give me a raise and level me up to the bigger challenges of life. I used to be a little. A long ago time I used to be a little. It was easy. In a world where everything else is really hard being myself was easy. But I haven't been in a while. In so long it almost feels like out of sight out of mind. I don't remember how anymore. My days are filled with schedules that run into the next day. And mind you these are schedules of my own making. They intentionally run me ragged and into the ground. When my heart was broken, and everything I knew fell apart, I was crying at least twice every hour. I couldn't help it. Every thought I had inevitably concluded with, oh no, it's over and I'd start sobbing and this chasm in my heart would start widening. But I live on my own. I needed to make sure I still ate, exercised, showered, and you know, make progress in life. And everytime I did one thing, I felt this high that comes with productivity. Like hey, I can do this. I can do life and I can do it well. So I added more and more stuff to my day. And then when there was too much do in a day, I still couldn't leave it alone. You look at me now and I'm perpetually 3 days behind. It's by design. This way I go to bed and I'm thinking oh shoot, I better wake up early tomorrow and make sure I get a head start on this. This has been my life support in every way that matters. But as with all good intentions, blah blah blah. It has left me zero time to be little. And I can feel it. I can feel it in the sleepless nights I have. And the dreams I have when I do manage to sleep. And the way I'm just generally subdued. I feel it in the way the sun seems too bright every day, is this how it's always been? And everything is too vibrant I didn't know leaves were such a beautiful rich green. It's annoying and I stand by it. And that smell of wet soild, it's calling to me. I feel compelled to have a little taste. It smells sooooo good. Everything around me is alive and I'm not. Not really. I haven't been alive since before all of it sort of went to hell. And I'm okay now. He's in the past. It's in the past. But suffocating myself has for so long felt like the only way to get air in my lungs, I don't know how to make time to be little. How to be myself again. Am I even still a little? If it feels like I can't reach it then what do I do? Being little always seemed like the easiest way to be alone with my thoughts. And now I don't know how to do that anymore. So, out of sight out of mind. Is that how this whole thing works? Do I just try harder to be who I used to be? Do I find a new little inside me who's nothing like the old one? Or is this one more thing I add onto the list of things I lost when it all fell apart.

[Andriel_Isilien]

So, are you needing ideas for dim lights in your room to ease sleeping? Are you also asking for help on how to be little or make time for yourself? Just to make sure I understand what it is exactly that you are asking for before I start giving answers.

[J_Sophie]

34 minutes ago, Andriel_Isilien said:

So, are you needing ideas for dim lights in your room to ease sleeping? Are you also asking for help on how to be little or make time for yourself? Just to make sure I understand what it is exactly that you are asking for before I start giving answers.

😂for the dim lights I probably need to save up and buy a soft lamp, but I'm curious about what else I could do. 

With the rest, please, feel free to answer what you can. 

[shadowrider]

I'm not a little so I will leave advice on that to @Andriel_Isilien and our other helpful members that I know will chime in when they have the time.

 I do know about loss and having your world turned upside down and inside out. So I can speak to that aspect. It can be overwhelming and we find ways to deal with it as best we can. Sometimes we bury ourselves so deeply that daylight becomes nothing but a faint memory. The light that we used to carry in us becomes dim and seems to be all but snuffed out. After reading your post I felt like the best advice I could give you right now is to just stop and breathe. Sounds simple I know. But from reading that I felt the need to breathe for you.  Sometimes we just have to stop and close our eyes and imagine ourselves somewhere else. Maybe a cabin in the mountains or sitting by a small creek where we can smell the grass. Close your eyes and inhale through your nose as deeply as you can. Then gently exhale through your mouth until your lungs are empty. No counting, no timers, no outside stimuli, just you and your breathing.  Never set a schedule or time to do this as that adds stress. If you do it for 2 minutes or 20 doesn't matter. As long as you take some time for your mind and body to escape the routine of what they have become accustomed to. 

 I hope you find your little again soon. Whether it be the original little you or a newer you or a combination of the 2 I know there are brighter days ahead for you. 

[Andriel_Isilien]

4 hours ago, J_Sophie said:

😂for the dim lights I probably need to save up and buy a soft lamp, but I'm curious about what else I could do. 

With the rest, please, feel free to answer what you can. 

Happy to help! 😊 I got for myself fairy lights or Christmas lights from the dollar store that I set up around my window. Some people like to have them right above their bed but that's too near and bright for me. I also have a salt lamp which gives a warm orange glow that is easy on the eyes. That one I think  got on sale for like $5 several years ago. It even has the dial to make the lightbulb inside very faint. That has been my absolute favorite, not only because of the color but also the negative ions it releases.

 

For the latter bit of your post I do second what @shadowrider 👍 Taking a couple of minutes to just breathe and be mindful each day can be like a mini meditation. There are studies showing how that can help reduce blood pressure, anxiety, heart rates, and more! That is something I find most helpful for me because it's like, PAUSE and RESET for my emotions. I even have an app on my phone to alert me to do that no matter where I am.

There are several ideas I wrote up in our club Knowledge is Power on self soothing and how to regress, self-care, and more. How to incorporate CG/L into your daily life! - DDlg Forum & Community Take a look through those tips and see what sticks out for you to try.

It sounds like that what you are going through is deep set and prolonged. Like you have been shouldering a lot and/or keeping everything inside. There can be phases in being in a mental funk and then there are severe depression/anxiety/etc that can last a long time. I couldn't regress for nearly two years because of a toxic environment I was in. I was only able to get back to that until I got out, attended therapy regularly for help, and gave myself permission to feel my emotions. Take a look at what your feelings are trying to direct your attention to; such as a need to feel valid, understood, safe, or whatever. I get mental blocks where I need to put things on hold and get some help. Usually, talking to some trusted friends does the trick for me or talking it out in therapy so that I can make sense of it all. I get so hard on myself at times, impatient and frustrated when I can't hold myself together like I was able to in previous times before. I had an awful day recently where my eyes kept filling up with tears against my will several times while at work. My emotions were trying to tell me something needed my attention, but I wasn't giving myself permission for days and days. You're gonna burst from suppressing! Check in with your self care and take inventory.

 

It's OK when you can't give yourself moments to be little on demand. I wouldn't say you aren't little anymore because you couldn't do this according to some timeline or schedule. I think of the movie Kiki's Delivery Service (one of my favorite Japanese cartoon films!) when she loses her witch's magic to fly on a broom. A friend gave her the advice to occupy her time with other hobbies to relax, be focused on, and to stop dwelling on the fact that her magic presently isn't working. We are human and we are allowed to have moments like this. It's like a wheel of highs and lows. This will pass just like those joy filled days have. I'm sure it will come back! Take little moments for yourself during the day to just breathe, have a mantra to assure yourself that you are enough or something, write notes of positive reminders for yourself. At the end of the week, give yourself a lazy day to rest and do nothing. It doesn't have to be big. You got this. You're doing OK 

[Sanguine]

Good morning J_Sophie,

I read your post and it's saddening. I'm sorry for your loss.

When a relationship ends, no matter how big or small, if you really loved that person, it will hurt for a while. There are distractions you can partake in that help move the grieving period along, but it will hurt until you're "over" that person.

The silver lining to break ups is they provide room to grow as a person. You learn more about yourself in these periods of loneliness. You learn to sculpt your own habits, hobbies and patterns; especially if you were dependant on your partner. That's what you're experiencing now, and you should recognise it as a period of growth.

The great thing about my little and I is that we have experienced life solo for a large chunk of our adult lives. When we found each other, we didn't become dependant on the other for that reason. We already experienced life in the way you're experiencing it now; solo.

Our DDlg dynamic is healthy and we discuss what we both like in ways that accommodate our own independent lives too. For example, I set my little schedules for the weekend, because she works a tiresome job during the week, and doesn't want to come home to more work; understandably so.

I think the trick for you is to take some time to allow yourself to become accustomed to your self-little again, but in a solo manner. That way, when you meet somebody new and fall in love again (which I know might seem impossible right now), you don't become dependent on that person. You'll find a healthier relationship in the future that way.

Things will get better. I promise. Just keep going.

Yours,

Sanguine

[Taggy]

17 hours ago, J_Sophie said:

I hate sleeping with the light on. The light is harsh and it makes it hard to go to sleep. But I also hate the dark, cause it's the dark. Who knows what little things, or big things, (we don't discriminate here) are hiding in the dark. And I know things can still find you in broad daylight but at least if the light's turned on, I can see 'em coming. 

This is my life now. I make it make sense. And I do a fairly good job at it. It doesn't need to be perfect because again, who really needs perfect. As long as I'm breathing give me a raise and level me up to the bigger challenges of life. I used to be a little. A long ago time I used to be a little. It was easy. In a world where everything else is really hard being myself was easy. But I haven't been in a while. In so long it almost feels like out of sight out of mind. I don't remember how anymore. My days are filled with schedules that run into the next day. And mind you these are schedules of my own making. They intentionally run me ragged and into the ground. When my heart was broken, and everything I knew fell apart, I was crying at least twice every hour. I couldn't help it. Every thought I had inevitably concluded with, oh no, it's over and I'd start sobbing and this chasm in my heart would start widening. But I live on my own. I needed to make sure I still ate, exercised, showered, and you know, make progress in life. And everytime I did one thing, I felt this high that comes with productivity. Like hey, I can do this. I can do life and I can do it well. So I added more and more stuff to my day. And then when there was too much do in a day, I still couldn't leave it alone. You look at me now and I'm perpetually 3 days behind. It's by design. This way I go to bed and I'm thinking oh shoot, I better wake up early tomorrow and make sure I get a head start on this. This has been my life support in every way that matters. But as with all good intentions, blah blah blah. It has left me zero time to be little. And I can feel it. I can feel it in the sleepless nights I have. And the dreams I have when I do manage to sleep. And the way I'm just generally subdued. I feel it in the way the sun seems too bright every day, is this how it's always been? And everything is too vibrant I didn't know leaves were such a beautiful rich green. It's annoying and I stand by it. And that smell of wet soild, it's calling to me. I feel compelled to have a little taste. It smells sooooo good. Everything around me is alive and I'm not. Not really. I haven't been alive since before all of it sort of went to hell. And I'm okay now. He's in the past. It's in the past. But suffocating myself has for so long felt like the only way to get air in my lungs, I don't know how to make time to be little. How to be myself again. Am I even still a little? If it feels like I can't reach it then what do I do? Being little always seemed like the easiest way to be alone with my thoughts. And now I don't know how to do that anymore. So, out of sight out of mind. Is that how this whole thing works? Do I just try harder to be who I used to be? Do I find a new little inside me who's nothing like the old one? Or is this one more thing I add onto the list of things I lost when it all fell apart.

Sounds like you are running away from your emotions. Fill the day with so much activities that there is no space to grieve or be your true self. I had a bit of the same thing last year. I broke up after a 6 year relationship with someone I deeply loved. It was my own choice, but the pain was deep. At first I started to do so many things. Lost myself in social life and discord/ kik things and the high was high. I recognize what you describe as colors being more vibrant and light being brighter. It's part of the rush. At least that was it for me. But with highs come lows and after the summer holidays I crashed and I crashed hard. It took me many months to find myself again.
So will you. Make time to feel your broken heart. Make time to grief about the things that are lost. Make space for that about an hour a day. It sounds like your high workload is suppressing the calmness and security of your little space. If you make space again in your life it will return as it's part of you. Maybe you do find a new little in you, you never know as you change in life. But don't try harder. Just relax a bit more