I don’t think my partner is really a daddy.. 😣

[Brattylittleprincess7]

Hi everyone, I’m new here and could definitely use some encouragement and support. Several years ago my husband and I began exploring kinks and fantasies. A few years ago we discovered DDLG. It immediately clicked with me and I realized I have always been a little but sadly had been suppressing that part of me due to childhood trauma. Along with therapy, little space has allowed me to heal so much, as well as love and embrace all parts of myself. My husband has always known he enjoyed dominant and intense play and also seemed to enjoy the daddy roll when we discovered DDLG. When I realized that this was a very real part of me, I instigated many conversations asking if he was as serious and truly felt that he was a daddy dom. He assured me that he wanted this too and was just as into the lifestyle as I am. That he needed it just as much.  However, I have seriously questioned that many times over the last few years and brought the conversation back up several time and assured him that I would understand if it wasn’t for him. He always says that he needs it too and is very into it but it’s hard to believe. He will have weeks or a couple months that he is very attentive and definitely fits the caregiver roll, although not as firm as I would like (except in the bedroom), followed by weeks or months that he doesn’t seem to be interested in that dynamic, or that part of me, at all. I know sometimes that corresponds with him being extra busy or stressed, especially with work, and I try really, really hard to be understanding. It just seems like it’s too inconsistent for it to be important to him. I don’t know anyone else in real life that is a part of the lifestyle, so he is the only person I have to share this side of me with.
 

Maybe I have just read too many DDLG books and expect too much? Do people actually live with aspects of age play as a part of their everyday life? I desperately want that. I crave a firm, but loving daddy and I want that from him so bad. I have given so many subtle and not so subtle hints over the last few years as to what I want, even straight out telling him some things and nothing ever seems to come from it, or at least nothing that sticks. It seems like everything is always my idea and that also makes me think that it’s not really real for him.
 

We set rules at the beginning and they are never upheld, I act out for attention and punishments- which he threatens but never gives, I have purchased Little supplies like special dishes, sippy cups, a soother etc that we never use. I have even asked for support with things I struggle with little drinking enough water, getting a task done by a certain deadline, eating healthier etc and although he always agrees that he can do it and wants to, he never follows through. Whenever I try to gently discuss it, I feel like he gets frustrated and sometimes even says that I’m confusing and he doesn’t know what I want. I don’t know how much clearer I can be. I have straight up told him many of my needs and desires. My little ranges from 1-3. I enjoy being non-verbal if I’m feeling especially little or subby but usually enjoy being a mix of sweet, sassy and cute. The only time he seems truly interested in the DDLG dynamic is when it comes to sex, or sexual play. I honestly think it’s more about being in charge or role playing and dominating than actually being a daddy dom, or perhaps even a dom at all. Last night really forced me realize that.
 

We had been engaging in some pretty intense play, which we both really enjoyed, but the second we were finished, he got an email and immediately picked him his phone. No after care at all. Not even kisses or cuddles or sweet words. I waited for about 5 minutes and when it became apparent that he was not going to give me those things, I got up, got dressed and went to the washroom to clean up. When I came back and crawled into bed, deep under the covers,  he seemed to realize that he messed up. He tried to cuddle me and apologize but I honestly just felt like crying and told him I wanted to go to sleep. He asked if he could cuddle me while I fell asleep and I said yes. He kept saying sorry but immediately following it up by trying to explain himself or justify the behaviour, rather than truly apologizing and assuring it wouldn’t happen again. That’s all I really wanted. For him to say I’m so sorry, that wasn’t okay. I should have been focused on you and what we were doing. I know that everyone messes up and I know the email was work related but it’s so hard to let the feelings of sadness and disappointment go when it just seemed like he was trying to make excuses and make it about his work stress.
 

I had already patiently waited for his attention for 2 1/2 hours while he worked more after getting home. Not work he was expected to do right then, but work he chose to do. Just like responding to the email. It was after 10 at night. It’s a new work role for him but no one would have been upset if he waited until the morning to respond. The email led to a phone call, which he took right after asking if he could snuggle me, and getting snuggled in. He left the bedroom for about 25 minutes to take the call, while I was still visibly upset. He did ask if he could take the call first but at that point it didn’t even feel like I could say no. He seemed to think I was either over reacting, or that the play had been too rough. Despite me clearly telling him that I enjoyed the play but was upset because for the first time ever I felt more like a toy than like his very loved wife, because of the direct change to work when we finished. I just didn’t want to deal with it anymore right then. Part of my childhood trauma was psychological abuse and if someone seems upset by my feelings or reactions I tend to shut down to avoid conflict. It’s often hard for me to tell if someone is upset at a situation, or at me. I always end up feeling like I’m to blame and that makes me extremely anxious, which leads to me downplaying or backtracking my feelings and my needs. 

All of that said, he is the most amazing husband in every other regard and I love him so much. We have been together for 20 years, married most of that time. We have built a wonderful life together. He is the first person to love me unconditionally and he is my biggest fan and my biggest supporter. Our marriage is definitely much happier and much more passionate than most of the people around us. For that reason I feel horrible for being so disappointed and sad about the lack of DDLG dynamic. I just don’t know what to do. Now that I’ve found this part of myself, I can’t imagine living without it. I’ve spent the last few months mostly engaging in little space while he is out of the house. It’s easier to slip into little space alone lately. When he is around I feel like his heart is not in it and like he is just trying to fill a role for me. That makes me feel self conscious and anxious. It also secretly makes me wonder if he is judging or resenting me, but I know that is probably my anxiety talking. I am a little. I can’t turn that off. My needs are not being met and don’t know where to go from here. It makes me feel so sad and so lonely to imagine never having a real daddy and never being able to play or share this part of myself with anyone else. But I also know I cannot force him to be something he is not. If I’m right, I’m sure this situation is hard for him and I keep getting hurt emotionally. Part of me just wants to pack away all my stuffies and little gear and cry. 
 

Has anyone else ever been in a situation like this? I guess I just want to feel like I’m not alone, or a weirdo for wanting things like a chore chart and a naughty chart. For wanting to play in a non sexual way while in little space. For wanting someone to give me “that look” when I’ve been naughty or bratty and know that I will be getting a spanking later. To have messages or calls from my daddy checking in through the day to make sure I’ve been a good girl and drank my water and ate healthy foods.  I feel really alone and like maybe I’m wishing for something that doesn’t exist in real life. 

Edited April 25, 2023 by Brattylittleprincess7

[abyss]

Hi i'm so sorry to hear this  you deserve better. By the looks of it i don't think your husband really understands the role of a daddy and is misunderstanding it as purely sexual/purely dom without understanding its much more then that. Maybe talk to him about how he sees DDLG and what he thinks his role is in the relationship :). I'm extremely new to this myself so ignore me if I'm wrong lol

[gemmy]

This is really tough and I think it's brave of you to pour your heart out here for some answers.

I do think the distractability regarding work is a separate issue from the rest, but it certainly doesn't help. I am guilty of responding to work emails at all hours of the day. That could be something you speak with him about when you're in a grounded, adult headspace. Work is for work and home is for home.

The most important thing you can do right now is have a candid conversation about his expectations and yours. I know you mentioned wanting to avoid conflict, but it is ok (and responsible) to check in. You may experience some big feelings when you bring it up and that's ok too. Maybe lead in with "Hey, I just wanted to see where we were at with the DDlg stuff. How are you feeling about it? What do you like or dislike?" and also discuss where you're at. He may not want to engage as fully as you do, which can be disappointing but is also within his right. I've had partners like that - there wasn't anything wrong with me, they just weren't into it. Be gentle with yourself, be honest when you talk to him, and be ready to hear him out too. You've got this!

[Cebakes]

No you are not a weirdo.  On a positive note, you do bring up many great things that you and your husband have.  Not everyone has all the good things you’ve mentioned after being together so long. 

It sounds like he has a pretty demanding job. I assume he is in his 30s or 40s.?  When I was that age, I probably would not have had the time to be a great daddy.  Nevertheless, it sounds like there are things that he could be doing that a man should do for his partner in a relationship.  Things like aftercare are pretty basic.  
Giving attention is key in all relationships.  There can never be enough cuddles, or leg rubbies.  
 

Is there any chance that he is so physically and mentally exhausted from work that he is not able to function as a daddy right now?  How is he doing in his new role?   Unfortunately, the other explanation may be that he has lost interest in being a daddy and DDLG.   
 

I don’t think being a daddy is something that you can turn on and off like a light switch or play daddy when it’s suits you.   It should be effortless, easy, second nature, enjoyable, and consistent.   

[Brattylittleprincess7]

18 hours ago, Cebakes said:

I don’t think being a daddy is something that you can turn on and off like a light switch or play daddy when it’s suits you.   It should be effortless, easy, second nature, enjoyable, and consistent.   

This is exactly what I mean. I feel the same way. I can’t just turn on and off being a little, it’s always a part of me. When I go to work each day, or am out with friends, or being a mom to our children, who are older now, I am in adult mode but the little side is still there, it’s just not at the forefront. I need to have that adult time just as much as I need time in little space. I also understand that sometimes stress and life does just wear you down and you get tired. There are days I am not in the right headspace to be in little space. I know he would also have days that he wouldn’t be in the right headspace to be a caregiver. On those days I try to do things to care for him and fill his bucket. I have really, really tried to be understanding and have realistic expectations.

 

He is within that age range. He is putting extra pressure on himself to make a good impression right now. The demands are not being put on him by his hire ups. I understand there is an adjustment period and again, do take that into consideration. However, I don’t think I’m wrong in expecting that if he can take the time to engage in sexual play and have his needs fulfilled, he can also spare enough time to make sure that mine are met with aftercare. 
 

you are absolutely right. I know that in the grand scheme of things we are very fortunate to have the marriage we do after so many years together. It’s not something I take for granted as we have certainly worked hard throughout the years to stay connected and to constantly be building our relationship up. 

Edited April 26, 2023 by Brattylittleprincess7

[Brattylittleprincess7]

1 hour ago, gemmy said:

The most important thing you can do right now is have a candid conversation about his expectations and yours. I know you mentioned wanting to avoid conflict, but it is ok (and responsible) to check in. You may experience some big feelings when you bring it up and that's ok too. Maybe lead in with "Hey, I just wanted to see where we were at with the DDlg stuff. How are you feeling about it? What do you like or dislike?" and also discuss where you're at. He may not want to engage as fully as you do, which can be disappointing but is also within his right. I've had partners like that - there wasn't anything wrong with me, they just weren't into it. Be gentle with yourself, be honest when you talk to him, and be ready to hear him out too. You've got this!

I completely agree, a conversation is needed. The problem is actually having one. Every time I bring it up and try to check in the conversation is over is less than 2 minutes. He just confirms he’s still into it and changes the subject. I try to go into specifics and I get no feedback. 
 

I know that communication about needs and feelings can be hard for him, for reasons that are not mine to share, so I have been extremely patient. However, trying over and over and over and never getting and real contribution from him is hard. I totally understand that he might have different ideas or comfort levels and I’m honestly fine with compromise and working together to figure out what works for our relationship. But I need him to communicate in order for that to happen. 

[Brattylittleprincess7]

1 hour ago, GayKitten said:

But to answer your question directly: yes, many people here live with aspects of ageplay in their everyday life, but we are all adults who have to navigate that with the demands of our adult lives and the non-kink aspects of our relationships. For some that will mean only engaging with this kink during sex (pretty much true for my Mommy and me), and for some that will mean having littlespace items with them everyday in discreet ways, and for some it will be an occasional scene-based role play…..etc etc.

But what I’m getting at is that we as individuals have a lot of different ways we engage with this kink (frequency, sexual vs non, scene-based or not, etc.) — and even if some of us incorporate “everyday” aspects of ageplay into our lives, that still looks very different from the 24/7-always-in-kink-mode portrayal in ddlg stories.

Absolutely! I completely agree and understand that this isn’t a one size fits all thing. I have older children and a job outside of the home. I need that adult time and am not looking for someone to care for me 24/7 or care for me in every way. I feel like that would be an exhausting task for anyone and personally wouldn’t ask or expect it, although I’m sure it works for some people and that’s okay!

I just need to be able to have a candid and honest conversation with him to reset expectations for us both, but I don’t know how to do that when he won’t discuss it or tell me how he is feeling. I’ve tried so many times over the last few years. I’ve expressed how I feel that it’s only a sexual thing for him annd that it’s okay if it is, but told him I would just like the clarity to adjust my expectations. He denies it and gets defensive. I think the hot and cold thing is such a trigger for me because the the physiological abuse I endured as a child. It always makes me feel like I’ve done something wrong, like I’m too much or like he isn’t interested in this lifestyle when he suddenly stops being attentive and engaged. I hate the constant state of second guessing that I feel trapped in. 
 

Truly, I would be fine with 2-3 texts though the day to check in and him using his special nickname for me on days or weeks that he is busy, stressed or just not feeling it. I just don’t feel like that’s unreasonable. I just need to still feel that special connection, even in the smallest way. 

 

 

 

Edited April 25, 2023 by Brattylittleprincess7

[Erasmeus71]

Pardon me for just briefly going through this as all the words are exhausting my mind. Do the two of you have a communication problem? I had a Uncle get divorved three times because he did not talk a lot. My grandmother quote. One has to communicate to have a good marriage"

[Brattylittleprincess7]

17 hours ago, Erasmeus71 said:

 One has to communicate to have a good marriage 

You have a very smart grandma. Communication is definitely important.

Edited April 26, 2023 by Brattylittleprincess7

[Cebakes]

1 hour ago, GayKitten said:

I actually disagree on this — it may be true for some, but I think it’s an unreasonable expectation to apply to all daddies/caregivers. For some, the role is a HIGHLY compartmentalized and/or roleplayed identity only.

Not to say that the emotional aspects (i.e. being caring, empathetic, doing aftercare after intense play, etc.) shouldn’t exist in a person outside of roleplaying as a daddy — but taking on that role doesn’t mean signing up for being in that role/expected to “behave like a daddy” without interruption.

Like, sometimes my Mommy just DOESN’T want to be addressed that way or be in that role with me, because despite us both engaging in this kink, it’s still VERY loaded — sometimes one or both of us want to step away from the roles. We shouldn’t discount that for some, engaging in this kink requires effort and is taxing, and that doesn’t make them less valid or worse partners for feeling that way.

I should not have made such a broad sweeping statement about daddies and caregivers.  Everyone and their relationships, expectations, and definitions are different.  I should have clarified that that was my personal vision.

[Vampiress]

This is a complex situation. I think many of us have a fantasy of what an ideal relationship would look like, and this often starts very young. For some of us that might start with the fairytale romances of Disney movies, only to realize when we grow up that real love isn't really like that. That's also the issue with some movies and stories, is that it's an idealized fantasy that doesn't really work in real life. I will say that sometimes on the forum I see some littles and Caregivers who seem like they have that fairytale ideal of what a DD/lg relationship some of us might want, but I think we have to remember that we don't know what struggles they deal with as a couple. It's kind of like social media where people post all the good parts and fun photos, but we never really know what they're going through.

I think you have the benefit of a good foundation in your relationship that has years worth of testing to know that its solid and good overall. I know you keep mentioning how good it is, and please don't lose sight of this as you go through the struggle of figuring out your DD/lg relationship with him.

It sounds like you've gone through a lot trying to communicate your needs, and I really don't know at this point what it'll take for him to be completely open and honest with you. I don't understand why he says this is important to him but doesn't seem to have the actions that back up his words. I think maybe he's convinced himself he's really into it.  Have you considered finding a kink-friendly therapist to try to work through these things? Sometimes it takes someone else to translate relationship problems when the couple is having a breakdown of communication and not really understanding each other.

In the meantime, I think you'll have to focus more on being little on your own and maybe making little friends in the community. At the end of the day, if he really can't come to some compromise with you then it may just be that you'll have to explore this side of yourself solo or consider asking him for a platonic caregiver if you'd even be open to the idea yourself. I think you've done a good job of making your needs known, so at this point it sounds like trying to pull teeth in getting him to really work this out.

[Brattylittleprincess7]

8 hours ago, Vampiress said:

It's kind of like social media where people post all the good parts and fun photos, but we never really know what they're going through.

I couldn’t agree more but always a great reminder!!

I am definitely not going to let this tear us apart, but I definitely needed a space to vent to others who would understand. I really grateful that I found this website. I have tried searching up local kink communities and there does not seem to be any.. except for swingers groups. I’m excited to hopefully make some little friends that I can share that side of myself with. I feel like that could help to ease the loneliness I feel when it comes to that part of me. 
 

Neither he or I like feeling off in our relationship and after the incident the other night, things have definitely felt off. This morning he broached the topic of things feeling weird and asked if we could talk about it tonight, which is huge for him to initiate as communication doesn’t come as easy for him and he has worked really hard over the years to improve in that area. I agreed and told him that I think the biggest thing we need to discuss is our DDLG relationship and what each of us really wants from it, or if it is even for both of us anymore. I expressed that I’ve tried to broach the topic before but that it always ends up being a very short conversation and that it needs to be a bigger, more serious one. He agreed, so I’m really hoping that we can have a real conversation this time.

I’ve written down all my thoughts and outlined three possible scenarios. One in which we have a DDLG relationship with aspects of DDLG in our everyday life (like nicknames and check in text messages) and non sexual playtime a couple of times a week along with rules for little space and punishments. One scenario in which we only have a sexual DDLG relationship and I spend time in little space on my own, and lastly one where we do not engage in any DDLG relationship or play and I explore that part of myself on my own. I’ve sent it off to him so that he has time to reflect before we discuss it together. I’m hoping that seeing each scenario laid out will help him understand my expectations if we do continue in this dynamic; as well as assure him once and for all that I can live with whatever it is he wants, but that I just need a clear understanding of what he really wants. 
 

Thank you all so much for taking the time to read and to respond. Just having a place to share my feelings is so nice!! Especially with people who understand the dynamic. One of the hardest parts of being a little, at least for me, is the stigma most people have about it and the lack of understanding. Because of those things, it feels much safer to hide that part of myself from everyone and that can definitely get lonely!

[Brattylittleprincess7]

Last update 😊 We finally had a real conversation about our dynamic and our wants and needs last night. Turns out that he was feeling a bit uncomfortable with certain parts of the dynamic because we didn’t specifically sit down and discuss them at the beginning. He said that he didn’t want to come off as a jerk that was just taking liberties. He said it really helped to see my wants and needs written down and we agreed to have a couple of follow up discussions to really get on the same page about a couple parts of the dynamic, like punishments. We both definitely want to continue and for the first time, I feel like we both really are sure and mean it. 

Thanks again to everyone who read my posts and who commented. I am really thankful to have found this forum. I think just not feeling so isolated and alone, and being able to talk to other littles and caregivers is going to be so helpful going forward!

[Vampiress]

I'm so glad you had what sounds like a productive talk! I hope it's the first of many and the beginning towards a more satisfying dd/lg relationship with each other!

[Kittenlikestocuddle]

I'm so happy that you shared this problem you are having openly because in truth, you are not alone and there are other littles who have and are experiencing this same thing. I'm one of them! Here is a link to a post I made about this and what my conclusions were. And yes, the ultimate take away was that I in fact was trying to have a ddlg relationship with a regular Dom who was trying to fulfill a role for me in kink and NOT a real Daddy/Caregiver! I hope this encourages you that you're not alone. And I would never tell you to leave your husband! I can imagine couples therapy a great way to have him understand that it's not just a game or hobby to you but a real need that you have in order to live a more fulfilling life for you now that you've discovered this part of you! Which in itself may be taboo for me to say since there are therapists who think we're crazy for wanting ddlg in our lives. But somehow communicating for sure that this is a NEED that you have and not just a fun thing. Good luck to you! ❤️

https://www.ddlgforum.com/topic/57671-why-do-regular-doms-try-to-be-daddies/#comment-297810

[lilDarkling]

I agree with Kitten! You're not alone and I hope you find happiness. :3
Kitten's post was very helpful for me so I hope it gives you the same clarity it did for me. ^w^

[Josey Wales]

Besides his being Daddy issues it seems you have a fantastic marriage. I can only say maybe you should just embrace your little when the mood strikes you , be yourself no matter what time of day it is or what’s going on be you ! In my experience of being Daddy it comes natural for me to react as such when my partner is in little space but ive always had Daddy traits   I know it must be hard and frustrating for you , my only advywoukd be just be who you are , live in the moment , if it isn’t just play for him he will show his Daddiness. Well that’s my 2 cents.  Good luck ❣️